Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

@Rainbow03 I hear you totally. I might get a ‘sorry to hear that’ and that will be that. There’s absolutely zero geunine interest or care. It’s like a token comment.

My mum died about 10 years ago and randomly I ended up speaking to her first boyfriend who hadn’t seen her after he was 18. It was so sad - he told me how much he loved her and how he never really got over them splitting up. He’s 80 now. He asked me how her life had been and if she’d been cherished and loved.

And it just made me cry. How beautiful to have someone who cares so much about you.

How many of us have that?

@Rainbow03 have you ever tried to write to your H about the excess of stuff, how it’s impacting you and what you want to change? I just suggest it on the off-chance, since writing has worked for us, and maybe anything simple is worth a try?

For some reason when I say things I just have a hard time getting them to land with DH. I think he has some sort of auditory processing issue. Then they get lost and don’t get prioritised like you all so brilliantly describe. He can still get hyper focus or get distracted or need a lie down, but I’m ‘in’ his head more as text somehow.

When I hear something I’m immediately able to take in the content of the talk, and it’s delivery, including body signals. It’s as if my DH is listening to a bad radio, he’s listening so hard to get the message, then it takes time to unscramble the content and then the situation has moved on and the tone and gesture seem to be lost.

Where to start, this thread has prompted me out of Mumsnet retirement.

DH has had counselling for about 2 years now to deal with other issues and I think a combination of that and the diagnosis of colleagues which has led him to the conclusion he may have some form of ASD - something I’ve probably suspected since our DC were born. @CinnamonTarts note above really struck a chord - I’m quite a chatty, empathetic person and, having previously said to DH that I struggle when he doesn’t respond to things, he now gives an ‘I’m sorry about that’ response which I actually find more hurtful as it just feels so robotic and transactional. I realised I’ve learnt to completely suppress my emotions, even during some really challenging life events as the lack of reciprocity or even support is too painful.

There are many other things I need to unpack but the kids are waking up so duty calls…

I’ve sent him numerous messages telling him that i am overwhelmed by his stuff. I’ve tried to explain how unfair it is that he takes up so much room that I have had to get rid of my things. When he moved into mine I got rid of all my furniture that I kept from when my dad’s parents passed, it was cool ercol furniture but it wasn’t family furniture so I sold to make space for us as a family. He now has all this stuff from the passing of his grandparents but he can’t part with any of it. He doesn’t see how unfair this is. He has the shed full to the top and front door, you can’t step inside. The garage, the outside storage container, his van, most of the loft and half the spare room. I can’t put his clothes or everyday items away as his drawers are full of wires and souvenirs and rubbish. He will not enter into a conversation, he shuts me down completely, refuses to open is mouth, he won’t answer a single of my questions. I’ve had enough of it all now. It’s simply not fair. I am starting to think his relationship with his things means more to him. The only time he shows any emotion is over the stuff and that mostly anxiety or anger.

I do! I thought I had it. He does go out of his way to make me happy quite a lot. So it looked like I had it! But then I realised I didn’t.

It must be wonderful to feel adored. I think that’s why DP to spends so much time with his DC as they revere him (all v strange if you ask me! Why don’t they sulk and answer back like most tweens/teens?!). If they’re in their rooms chilling he calls them downstairs. Not for any reason. Just to be with him. At first I thought how nice that was. But then I realised he craves their company as he wants the attention, enjoys the adoration they give him. What about what they want to do? (Chill in their rooms). He gets bored though and thinks we are here to serve his needs. Same as my dad.

My mum’s husband absolutely adored her and she him. It did become a bit of an unhealthy dynamic though as they became quite insular once they retired and the drinking got really out of hand. He’s bereft without her and just waiting to die/join her and posting sad things on social media and drinking too much now. So maybe it’s good to have a degree of emotional detachment!!

Emotional detachment feels like something I’d like to have please! Im fed up of feeling stuff now!

It really does sound overwhelming @Rainbow03 ! I would hate that. DP and his DC have a tendency to take over spaces bit by bit. And I hate it the creeping of their stuff so that my spaces become smaller and smaller. It feels so oppressive.

Would he notice if you started to squirrel items away here and there. Wires disappear. Some of the souvenirs get binned. Gradually a drawer is cleared, gradually the loft thins out a bit….Would he notice if you did the odd bit while he was out? How would be react? Would he be furious? And could you just refuse to discuss it if he said “oi, where’s my [insert useless piece of crap]??” Just ignore as if he hasn’t spoken. Or shrug dismissively. As he does when you try to raise it.

Oh and sorry about your lovely Ercol stuff. And being replaced by his grandparents nasty massive useless stuff. That must be awfully upsetting. 😞

@BustyLaRoux I started to give stuff to my mum to put in her bin as he would look in ours and take it out. The task is monumental. It’s basically 2 houses in one house to clear out. He notices every single thing, I’ve no idea how. He is not happy. He will end up just hating me, whatever I do it affects our relationship. The stuff is so important. Nothing I own means more than anyone in my family, I’d get rid of it all if I was causing this much distress. The back room has boxes of stuff, expensive stuff and 1000s of DVDs, no one watches them, I really want this to be a toy room for the kids.

I acknowledge that his brain is wired differently and that it gives him comfort. I think a 10 by 12 foot shed and the garage should be enough acknowledgment. It’s not that I’m saying no you can’t have anything but I don’t want it in the house, this is our safe space for the kids not for him alone.

How annoying that he notices stuff going missing! How about very plain language that does not require him to respond?

“Your stuff is here, here, here, here and here. It is too much and you are using far more space than is fair. You can keep the loft, the shed and the garage and that is more than fair. You do not get to have stuff in the spare room as well. If you do not clear this room by x date then I will do it. This isn’t a conversation. This is me telling you about the action I am going to be taking. How and when that room is cleared is up to you, but it will be cleared and I am unwilling to have a discussion about it”.

And then when he’s out just clear it. I cleared out loft on my own one day. It is hard work but it is possible. Where are you? I’ll come and help!!

I have come to the conclusion that the autism means a complete lack of empathy or emotional connection. It’s just not there so I don’t even try looking for it now. Another step which has been a big one. I can’t carry on in this situation. Sending love to everyone here. It’s lonely 😞

@ANiceLittleHouseByTheSea Thats exactly the overwhelming emotion I feel. The thing is, I can see him trying, it’s just that it doesn’t land and all feels very scripted. He adores me and the kids and is amazing with them, but it’s exhausting having to prompt everything.

I feel like my life has no joy anymore. My child my partner my mum my MIL all autistic in their own ways. All I do is manage people. I’ve lost my house, it’s now a logical place to store everything that we might possibly ever need. My life as a parent is managing my daughter’s awful temper and her complete lack of empathy, she just repeatedly tells me she hates me. My partner is someone else to manage. My in-laws laugh at me because I try and carve out some emotion in my laugh. I’m just one big laughing stock, one stupid emotional of no use person to anyone in my life. I’m starting to just hate my life and there is no way out. There is no time for hobbies or friends and it’s going to be like this forever.

@Rainbow03
Sorry if I haven’t read back but what happens if you stop looking after them - do they get by in their own way or can your DP fundamentally not cope with your DC? Sounds like you desperately need that window of time to dedicate to yourself to see friends and do things for you.

I've felt like this too, it's really hard to have to be everything for everyone else. This spring I had a 6 session course of counselling and the therapist recognised this and we spent most of the sessions working on ways to re-claim a bit of 'me'. )This also helped me gather the strength to tell H I want to separate but I'll post more on that later as it's proving hard!).

In terms of sneaking stuff off etc I can tell you that my late MIL fought a 40 year battle against FILs hoard. After she passed FIL was going to sort his things out and move to a smaller place (his idea) like a bungalow. Well, he spent 5 years moving piles of stuff arpund the same rooma, not parting with anything and when he passed away H was left to sort a 3 bed house, a shed and a garage full of stuff. Some of which is now cluttering up our house further. It never ends xx

I don’t even know anymore what I like to do. I don’t really have many friends because I’ve just not had the time or energy to grow any friendships. My life is not what I thought it would be, neither is my family or my children. I know that’s horrible to say as you never know what your children will be like. We can’t even go away and enjoy family time because my eldest can’t cope. We are always at war it feels, I’m on edge all day everyday and my chronic fatigue is appalling .

It sounds hard, big hug x

I’ve spent all weekend on my daughter’s room. Bought her a loft bed, all new furniture. I’ve hurt myself, I’m extremely fatigued. She came home from the weekend with her dad and has been appalling at school all week. She’s come home shouting at me, ripped all the Halloween decorations I put up and then went upstairs kicking the brand new furniture screaming she hates me. I just can’t cope.

Interesting comments about how for some DPs and DHs it seems to be about how their OH or children makes them feel, I think this might be true for H too. Initially when we were dating I was probably a dream come true, extremely attentive to his needs, affectionate and in my eagerness to people please, willing to go along with most of his suggestions and agreeing with everything he said. Following birth of DD I wasn't able to keep this up which ended up with him becoming resentful of me as well as making me feel guilty for not being enough and calling me a 'joy remover' when I didn't immediately jump with joy at whatever his latest crazy idea was. Now I have dropped the people pleasing a bit but he still relies on me and DD to help him feel better when he is down, or to use as emotional punchbags when things don't go his way.

If I sound bitter it's because I am. H told me yesterday that he's called Relate and wants to start joint counselling. I'm feeling really angry about this, which is not like me, and am trying to un-tangle why and how I feel and how to respond. They always say never do joint counselling with an abuser, well H has certainly been abusive, but it's coming from a different 'source' to traditional abuse (if that makes sense). Sigh, I can't see how this will help ME, it feels like this is about HIM, he will no doubt make the therapist feel sorry for him (he is very good at that) and I'll come out the bad guy. And, if I was to list the reasons why I want to separate, he will be so unpset and it will be harder to do this 'house share' amicably. If the counselling is focused on how to separate amicably and co-parent well I would give it a go, but I suspect it's him trying to get me back. I don't want to, I've already said I want to separate 😔

Upthread someone said how impossible it is to leave when there is a housing crisis, no income due to being a carer/chronic illness etc. I wish I could physically leave but will have to house share which means trying to keep on good terms.

Way back I tried to describe how I felt DWs internal translator didn't work properly - anything going in seems to get mangled, with hole chunks going missing or turned inside out, anything that comes out doesn't correlate to the message she is trying to get across.

I've been told "I know that's what I said, but you know it's not what I meant".

We've been together 25 years and I couldn't really tell you what you she really thinks most of the time. It's like there's some kind of barrier in her psyche, or compartments perhaps with rigid walls.

It feels like a filter where everything gets twisted into something personal. Every message they hear is to do with them, it’s a personal attack. Even just a simply “did you put the bin out” becomes an incident because “I was busy, too busy, much more busier than you, I’m so annoyed you’ve insinuated that I’m now bad because I didn’t”…. I’m asking because I haven’t either and I just want to know if I should go off and do it quick. I’m tired becomes a personal competition. I’ve absolutely no idea what my partner hears but it’s not what I’m saying. So difficult.

@Rainbow03 yes. The conversation we need have is whether we see our long term futures together. If so what do each hope, want, need from that? What do we both need to do to go from here to there? But I know, I absolutely know, that the chances of us having that conversation with any kind of successful outcome are almost zero. Which probably, and very sadly, provides the answer to the question.

(And hoarding is on the list, I feel your pain.)