Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

I’ve asked my partner that before. The response I get is “uhhhh oh I dunno”. He can’t comprehend the future, he lives in today only. I remember when I was pregnant asking if he was excited to be a dad. He couldn’t answer the question. Couldn’t imagine her here, couldn’t imagine being a dad, didn’t have any dreams for her, it was like she didn’t exist because she wasn’t in front of him. Tomorrow isn’t in front of him so he had no forward ideas of it.

@Rainbow03 I'm so sorry, things sound so incredibly hard for you on so many levels. I wish there was something I could do or say to get you out of all of that.

@LittleSwede Based on my experience do NOT go to the relate session. I really think you need someone who is a specialist in autism and in how it affects relationships. Its such a specific thing. I've had really, really painful experiences speaking with counsellors who are not specialist. I simply would not put myself through that again.

You can say 1) I won’t go. Its too late. 2) You shouldn’t go, I hear they always take the woman’s side. Or 3) go and say upfront that you are separating and he needs help accepting this reality.

I had a friend who was a counsellor and she had no.3 happen in a couples session. The couple arrived. The husband said, ' The marriage is over and I am leaving you.' And then got up and walked out.

Its a perfectly reasonable thing to say. I am a therapist and it wouldn’t surprise me in the least. I wouldn’t presume to think the person stating that was in the wrong. I would probably think the marriage was so bad that the person had to be direct in order to be heard.

I bet that must have come as a shock! My ex husband used to love going to places to talk to people. He point blank refused traditional western therapy but he would go to these retreats. But he always came back with various reasons of why he behaved the way he behaved, almost like a free pass to excuse himself. He never changed. I think he just enjoyed people giving him attention and sympathy for his appalling behaviour. He never took accountability and he never understood the impact on anyone else. Just a yeah I did this to you and behaved this way because my dad died, my parents didn’t love me enough, this that whatever!

hes jumping on our shared daughters ADHD referral and now using this as an excuse. What the hell does he think this is teaching her. It’s ok I destroyed your mum and its ok to destroy someone because you have ADHD and it’s not your fault!

Thank you @MetooOP and @pikkumyy77 It's either 1 or 3, although I feel like telling him that maybe he needs some individual therapy to help process my separation decision. I think he's managed to re-write what happened and all those times I've explained why I can't continue and thinks he just needs to promise me change and I will back down. I've been meaning to speak yo him again to reiterate that although I know he is hurt I still want to separate (I mean I have said it so technically we are but not made it official). I think he sees it as something that hasn't happened yet and that he has a say in ot.

Your exH sounds so much like my H, he is now also using his potential ADHD as an excuse and also bereavements over the years.

Oh and it turns out he has spoken to at least three of his/our friends, including a couple who have offered to banysit DD so we can go to relate! No idea what he has told these people but I bet it doesn't include his behaviour!

They have no concept of self reflection. I wouldn’t entertain his inability to not accept the relationship is over. Even now he wants your energy, I would just put my blinkers on, head down and plough on with what I need to do to move on and remove all his needs entirely. It’s his job not yours to come to terms with it, even now he’s dependent on you for the break up. It’s me me me.

Yes, he comes to me several times every single day for long hugs as he is so sad. He even told DD how his heart has been ripped to shreds (emotionally manipulation I think?) When she told him he was being mean to her last week. He shared woes about not sleeping and how he has lost weight. No idea why I'm even entertaining the idea of a house share but I don't know if I can go anywhere else.

And yes, I'm going to try to put blinkers on and move stuff to spare room as soon as I can. Set a rota for who is responsible for DD when and just get-out of the house on his shift!

It doesn’t matter if it intentional manipulation but it’s manipulation. He’s dependent and trying to use whatever he can to draw you into a dependency, trauma bonding, any bloody thing he can grab onto because he’s probably drowning in abandonment issues. You sound like you are getting drawn in.

He is emotionally a very dangerous person exactly like my ex!

Yes, I think I know this and I am getting drawn in. I might phone citizens advice to see if I can get some help with applying for UC etc.

He drains me of my life-force it feels like.

I’m sorry you are in this situation. I tried to house share. He tried desperately to draw me into a dependency over the emotions of the break up, he tried to tie us together with it. I lost my mind, I screamed at him that it is over after several months of pussy footing around. He told me to get out or else he’d do something he’d regret. I moved into a room in a house and I slept in a bed with my daughter for 3 years. I do not regret a single thing. The emotional pulling of him was killing me. You have to leave.

If he is like my ex he won’t stop and when you are dead he won’t stop. He doesn’t see you.

Deep down I probably know this, and am putting off the inevitable because I feel so trapped. I may have to have an imminent minor operation which will rely on him looking after DD for the day and be around for a few days after in case I can't care for her. I'll know more about this after hospital appointment next week though.

Amazing gow a morning on this thread has just clarified things more, of course I can't go to Relate.

No you can’t. He wants to use it to tie more emotional noose around your neck. But that is my opinion based on my experience.

Time to come up with some kind of plan that involves one of us moving out.

I’ve been there and have several of the T-shirts. They give you just enough to think they are in this break up together, they are working for the same outcome and you get lost in the fog. They aren’t working for the break up, they are working to keep you. You can’t stay in a house with someone like this because they will eventually break you. The weight of the emotion and the confusion of the fog is heavy and they don’t care.

I definitely feel that there is a sense of bring lost in the fog about this, one day I can see it all as clear as day then the next I get pulled in again. My anger earlier today has actually been helpful as it made me think less about H and how he is coping with this, and more about me.