Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

So glad this thread exists! I'm relatively new to MN and am about to get married to my partner who I strongly suspect is autistic/ADD. (He agrees, and doesn't feel the need to get a diagnosis, which I am happy to support)

I adore him and want to understand him better and, for the most part, our relationship is wonderful.

However, I'm really struggling with how to approach any kind of conflict in our relationship. If I raise any issues connected to us as a couple, no matter how sensitively I phrase it, he becomes overwhelmed and shuts down. As a result, I tend to keep things to myself and am left feeling lonely and misunderstood.

(I can also feel a bit overburdened with practical aspects of the relationship - I do most of the household chores, life admin etc as it's easier - but maybe that's for another post!)

Things I've tried so far:
Using i" statements and owning my feelings.
Using an x, y, z formula: when x happens , I'm l left feeling Y, I'd prefer z to happen.
Prefacing any potential conflict with "I love you and I'm here for you and help me understand this issue between us...."

The only thing that does tend to work is when I speak purely about my feelings, leaving out all content. eg If i say "I feel really anxious today" He responds with kindness and empathy. But if I say "when this happened between us, I felt really anxious" he becomes angry and defensive and then shuts down.

Any tips for communicating through conflict or just some empathy would be gratefully received :)

I have exactly the same issue SheSlays. My partner in wonderfully supportive about other things. But he cannot work to repair our marital issues. I can tell you now that 20 years in, the facade is crumbling! If repair isn’t possible the relationship degrades. In my case I feel my partner experiences rejection sensitivity and is naturally avoidant. This is such a difficult combination.

He heals himself with time and space but I require a repair to be made of our shared fabric. I do not seem to be able to self-repair, I need relational repair. I’m not sure he has the capacity to do this ultimately. I’m not sure he knows either.

So far we’ve moved from talking to writing, but all is hard won. With kindness, it’s worth considering that your partner may never be able to repair, and think about what happens then? To accept in advance is important lest sow and years in good that may never come. I’d say this for any relationship where one party cannot repair btw, not just a mixed neurotype situation.

@SheSlays does he acknowledge that he struggles with communication with regard to your relationship. Would he be open to counselling to understand his response. My DH has done a lot of work to understand his responses so we can figure out the best way to communicate with each other.
Have you tried writing it down so he has space to process without feeling like you are demanding an immediate response? That may help.....does he generally treat you with respect. If he does then you can probably get somewhere and find a balance. With regard to you doing everything, I've ended up being a SAHM and so I handle almost everything, that works for us but I've also realised recently, following him receiving an ADHD diagnosis, that I've spent the last 20 years scaffolding him! But the big thing here is he supports me to do whatever I need to do and still respects me and regards me as equal in our relationship. So worth considering if that is what you are getting from your fiancé. Do you need to ask him to take on certain jobs to help equalise things, what could he cope with? Good luck.

Thank you for the new thread.

@MySocksAreDotty thanks so much for your kind and honest response, it's given me a lot of food for thought.

I am very relational and tend to search for a relational repair to most issues. I'm trying to learn how to do things differently for myself though. But whether that will be enough in the long run, I just don't know. It pains me to write that.. it scares me so!

Like your partner, mine partner experiences rejection sensitivity and is naturally avoidant. 100%. It's hard for him and for me.

I like your idea about writing, giving him time to process. I'll try that.

Thank you!

Marking place on this new thread.
Thanks as always @Daftasabroom

Thank you for the new thread @DaftasaBroom

@Jobsharenightmare about your interesting post about the causes of personality disorder - it's worth mentioning that in some cases there is a genetic predisposition. I've heard it said that genetics loads the gun, the environment pulls the trigger and that fits with my observations.

@Mistresstotheworkwife your post on the 16 July at 13:30 was really useful to read. Thank you.

@Pashazade he does acknowledge he struggles to communicate but he won't go to counselling, unfortunately. He finds the idea terrifying and thinks he wouldn't know where to start - has has quite a difficult family history.

In terms of respect: that's a good question. He does treat me with respect and kindness. It's one of the things that attracted me to him. And he speaks highly of me to others. He can be very loving and compassionate. He is capable of self reflection in some areas.

It's just concerning relationship issues that we struggle to find our way. I will try writing things down and see how that works for us. Thanks for the suggestion.

re chores: he will always do ad hoc chores if I ask him to. But he never notices that anything needs doing and, if we agree that a certain chore is "his" then he just won't do it regularly enough.
I think I need to get better at asking and ask more frequently!

I think that my partner and I were able to get along with accommodations and understanding until we had children. When the stress increased, things deteriorated. I also think that by making too many accommodations, he was less prepared to help and to appreciate my contribution. I think I would be careful about doing too much of the emotional work in the relationship if I were starting out again.

I’m having trouble with my partner. He’s the first person I met after my I left my marriage of 12 years. We’ve been together 4 years. I feel a little bit of a twat. So I have ADHD and he is Autistic (it’s obvious but he won’t talk about it). I met him before I did some serious work on myself. When we met I looked up to him and his ability to show no emotions and just get on with things. I wanted to be just like him. We keep having arguments lately because his way of dealing with anything remotely difficult is to just ignore it. So if it’s an emotional person he just ignores them and sometimes takes the piss. He very clearly has no empathy. What I thought was a good handle on emotions is literally just he doesn’t have any. He has been ignoring my oldest (not his child) she is having an ADHD referral. This is making the situation spiral. He thinks she is behaving the way she does on purpose. He can’t see a very vulnerable child underneath who really needs us. I’ve just about had enough. I feel like I’m alone in all of this. I feel stupid for getting myself into another relationship with an undeveloped man.

@SheSlays what I did with dh is that I asked to do a certain chore and told him it was his responsibility. Then I stopped.
I never reminded him but nor did I actually step in for him.

Reminders etc… would have triggered the ever present rejection sensitivity.

At some point everything got done. (How well it is been done is a different discussion altogether)

@Daftasabroom thank you, as always, for the new thread! Unmumsnetty hugs x

What I thought was a good handle on emotions is literally just he doesn’t have any.

@Rainbow03 this is me too!
I dint have any answers though. Dh very often acts as a child (in the psychological sense). No amount of approaching things as an adult (adult state) changes that.
Its exhausting. And yes not very attractive.

I’m more worried about the effect on my daughter. She already feels abandonment very strongly and he literally physically and emotionally abandons her. He in turn abandons me because he leaves me to deal with it all and the fall out mentally on my own. He has refused to pick her up from school now as twice she has been too sad to come out of the class room. If he doesn’t collect her I have to try and arrange a childminder or just bloody give up bothering to work the small shift I do. I really don’t blame her not wanting to come out to him as he won’t give a shit about her feeling sad about something. He is a baby.

Thank you #LifeLine ❤️

We have a chore chart on the fridge. I used to have a cleaner who had never been in my spare room. She assumed I had children because of the chore chart.

It was a bit amusing to tell her that the chart is just for me and DH. 😅

Thanks for the new thread @Daftasabroom. Not posting as much, but still check in regularly. Dh and haven't spent much time together the last 6 weeks, either I was away or hè was. Sad to say but it's the best 6 weeks I've had in a long time😔

Also thanks everyone for the nice messages. I wasn't sure whether to post and then realised I'd written an essay. I actually have way more struggles with the relationship between me and my ASD mother than with my non-autistic partner, but this is the support thread for partners, not parents, which is... unfortunate at times 😂

Uh oh! I think this might be my problem. Someone said this thread saved their marriage. Can someone save money? It isn't good

My ex with ADHD and ASD, who I broke up with recently, used to go to his boat at weekends when I had my girls, and I missed him terribly those times. We got on brilliantly over the phone, and I could never wait for him to get back, but once he was home, all the underlying tensions and incompatibilities reared their heads, and we were back to square one. I found it so sad and frustrating, and was very confused by it, until I realised that I was pining for the guy he’d been the first few months of the relationship, and pining for the promise of ‘us’ that I thought we were gonna be together. The stark contrast of the reality of ‘us’ was just too painful though, and I longed for the peace I felt when he was at his boat. It’s heartbreaking to have to acknowledge that sometimes we’re better off apart.

@Eclipseboatwoman48 Unfortunately I know exactly what you mean. Dh works away, always has done. I used to really miss him when he was gone, now I look forward to him leaving. Our house has a completely different vibe depending on his presence.
Even though we have lived this life for 27 years, him coming and going, it always feels as though he doesn't fit. Since he has no interest in me or the kids, he doesn't interact, he's not involved, he's just here.

Even though we are very much concentrating on our partners, I’d be very happy to support you re parents too!

I dont think any of it is easy (looking at my dcs relationship with their dad….)

I’m sorry to hear this Rainbow. You’re not stupid at all! Similar situation to you: me ADHD as well as both my DC and my DP is autistic. He lacks understanding that my eldest isn’t being lazy or disrespectful (although as a 14 year old there is an element of the “Kevins” to manage as well), he cannot help it. He uses something of someone’s because he needs it. He leaves it wherever he happened to be (on the floor, in the garden…) He didn’t think of it as stealing or being disrespectful about someone’s property. In fact the point is he didn’t think at all. He probably has zero memory of where he left it. It isn’t conscious. Whereas DP is meticulous with things. He cannot conceive of someone not knowing what they’ve done with an item so assumes DS must be lying and has left it in the garden because he couldn’t be bothered to put it away. This is the issue: he thinks everyone must think like he does. And he cannot ever be wrong. So when someone else tries to explain their reality isn’t the same as his, he can’t see it so thinks they’re lying or they’re mistaken.
This is just one example of the difficulties we face. I didn’t know my child was ADHD and I didn’t know my DP was autistic when we got together. Both are good people but so different and DP really lacks empathy and has to have people explained. Even then he dismisses the explanation if it doesn’t align to his view!

Things have been better because I got to the point where I couldn’t stand the arguments and bad feeling. I told DP I would be moving out unless he drastically changed his attitude towards my DS. (And I told my DS he also needs to try to be more mindful of people’s things and to try and speak more respectfully, which I know he could manage). I’m pleased to say things have been better and both have been trying quite hard. I’m not looking forward to my DD turning teenage as she is the most strong willed child I’ve ever met and I can safely say DP (who expects silent compliance and “respect”) is not going to manage this very well!!!

The same as @SpecialMangeTout here @SheSlays;
DH takes the recycling bins and dustbin out each week. It's regular and predictable. It's not a big deal if he very occasionally forgets.

@Rainbow03
He thinks she is behaving the way she does on purpose. He can’t see a very vulnerable child underneath who really needs us.

I'm sorry I've no solution but just wanted to say we have the same problem.