Married to someone with Asperger's/ASD/ND: support thread 12

[Daftasabroom]

New thread.

This thread is for those of us seeking to explore the dynamics of long term relationships with our ND partners. Some of us are ND ourselves, very many of us have ND children. It is a support thread, and a safe space, it does get emotional at times. Avoid sweeping generalisations if possible, try and keep it specific to you and your partner.

It's complicated and it's emotional.

The old thread is here.

Yes to all that. I feel that I'm pretty much 'spent' from caring for DD and yet DH is then demanding attention, energy and affection from me that I simply don't have (plus I can't bring myself be affectionate with someone who acts abusively at times, intentionally or not). My therapist was very heavy on the importance of me looking after myself and I'm finding that I am getting better at this as I've been 'told' to.

DH and I had an interesting chat about emotional intimacy lately. He felt like I only wanted him to share his happiness and not his (regular) anguish and distress. I recognised how that might have been hard because there’s no simple rule of what’s ok to share and when.

I explained that emotional intimacy happens for me when both parties feel recognition. So much of him venting his distress is a one-way communication and there’s no recognition of me at all. It really could be anyone he talks to but I am (or maybe was) his ‘safe’ person so he never shared with friends etc. Now I won’t play that role he doesn’t have a ‘safe’ person really. I wonder if it will be possible to find this mutual recognition or not?

Does that ring a bell for any of you? I find I’m trying to put words to my own subtle expectations.

@MySocksAreDotty my partner won’t share anything with me. He has no idea about how he feels about anything but I know it’s effecting him because he becomes hostile. I wish he’d share something but I don’t think he knows he is getting stressed. His go to is to sweep it all under the rug and avoid but the rug is a mountain now. I often feel like I’m talking to a child and he behaves a lot like one. It would be nice to have someone join me in solving issues.

I think the buying of gifts/thoughtful acts/booking tables etc… that Busty and some others have described as wonderful parts if the relationship or signs of apology after conflict are possibly sincere and certainly nice. But they rapidly become a burden and a set of golden handcuffs when they substitute for true interpersonal apology and direct communication.

In some cultures seniors don’t negotiate with or apologize to juniors but they will offer treats or money after conflict. In western society, as within romantic relationships, calm interactions or light conflict should be able to be resolved respectfully and repair should happen organically and honestly whether by word or deed.

This drunken high conflict, torrent of abuse, refusal to discuss, DARVO etc…followed by gift giving ends incident from Busty’s OP’s point of view (until he wants to rake it up). But though the gifts or thoughtful gestures are nice they are really not more than a payment to shut up. And they are wholly under Busty’s husband’s control to give or withhold. That puts Busty in a very dependent position. Being treated like a Queen feels nice, until you find out you are Marie Antoinette and not Queen Elizabeth.

Yes exactly this! It feels like it’s all on his terms. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice and all, but the price is high. My autonomy, my integrity, my self respect…,, a high price to pay really.

@BustyLaRoux That was shocking to read. Absolutely shocking.

This is blunt but it doesn't matter what the reason was. His behaviour was so far beyond the pale that frankly he shouldn't be in a relationship with a budgie, never mind another human being.

It was shocking.

The only way this is ever going to change is if you stick your little froggy head up over the boiling pot and jump out.

Ah @BustyLaRoux the hols were going well when I was on here last weekend!

I was reading your post from a few days ago, for the first few paragraphs I was laughing, interesting image of him battling with a fishing line and you having to drive the boat somewhat, er, underdressed 😂

But then you said he called you a cunt. That’s totally unacceptable in my book, no matter how much dw drives me up the bloody wall at times I would never use that word to her, or to anyone for that matter.

Sorry to hear the hols took a bad turn and hope you are doing ok 😞

I would leave my dh if he called me a cunt. Honestly. It’s unforgivable. The whole scene is just so selfish, hysterical, and self indulgent. I don’t think there is any amount of “nice treatment “ that excuses that amount of shitty abuse in one afternoon.

I know. I feel paralysed though. He owes me a lot of money and I need to back. If I leave him there is no chance he’ll give it to me. I would prefer to live with just me and my DC but I’m very worried about money. I know that a shit reason to stay. I need to carefully work out what to do.

Had he grovelled his apologies to me for the other day I would have found it in my heart to forgive him. But the fact he thinks he is owed an apology and has said he deliberately called
me a cunt every time I said “that was what I didn’t want to happen!” I mean I don’t remember saying that over and over again. I could have done maybe. I was talking calmly all the while he was shouting at me. Even so, even if I did repeat that, it absolutely doesn’t warrant that level of abuse. And the fact he thinks he’s owed an apology and makes it all about how wronged he is. He doesn’t seem to realise my lack of forthcoming apologies isn’t because I struggle to apologise when I’m in the wrong, it’s because it usually him who has behaved terribly and it’s him who owes me the apology. Not the other way round! But he can’t see it. He genuinely thinks he’s been wronged and I have issues apologising. Tells me off all the time for being defensive. But that isn’t the reason! I’m not apologising because I don’t owe him a bloody apology!!!!!

I am gutted he thinks the other day wasn’t that bad. Everyone else (mainly people on here but also my family) are really quite shocked by how awful his behaviour was. But he thinks he’s owed an apology!!! It’s like talking to an insane person! But I don’t really know what to do. I’d love for him to understand that his behaviour, the constant criticising of everyone, the raging and unpredictable outbursts, the utter hypocrisy I have to endure on a daily basis, the victim complex, the egocentric approach to everything, the complete lack of self awareness is just not tolerable. But does it matter? My exDH also doesn’t accept his behaviour towards me was abusive. I spent a long time trying to persuade him to accept it was. In the end I realised it didn’t matter what he thought. I’d like him to acknowledge it, but he never will and actually I don’t need him to. I suppose I feel so raw now from DP that it feels important to me that he does understand. But really why should I care??

I have so much to think about. I feel trapped and paralysed by fear and anxiety.

And yet according to him I owe him an apology and he’s not very pleased about my behaviour!!!!

Busty, this stuff is so difficult, but I am not sure I’d let money get in the way of enforcing a red line boundary. What he did was really wrong, in violating choices to show your body and then verbally abusing you.

Now, he is showing that he has learned nothing (that’s being charitable) or he’s so totally unable to accept criticism he’s projecting massively that you should apologise. With kindness, how will you ever respect this person again?

It's not at all my business to tell you what to do, but I don’t want his gaslighting to work! What he did was completely unacceptable and easily a dealbreaker.

Hi all,

I have 1 ASD/ADHD child, 1 potentially ASD child and undiagnosed ASD/ADHD husband.
I hear you all!
I used to have a great job prior to kids/marriage but that's all gone. I'm now a permanent PA/carer/cleaner/cook etc.

I'm permanently irritated by a husband's inability to remember simple things.
How long to 'cook' things in the microwave so it's perfect texture for child to eat (he won't eat if it's not).
The bins that is the single task husband is responsible for - please empty ALL of the at night. He will purposely not do that bc 'wasn't full'. But it's got remains of a curry, so will smell.
I do all kids birthday parties/christmas presents/holiday booking and packing etc.
All he has to do is turn up and be present. But his head is always somewhere else!
Like when I ask him to put bikes in the garage (1min job) just as we are about to put kids to bed. He will do that but then starts organising something in the garage/tinker with car. Then when I tell him to help with putting kids to bed, he feels I'm telling him off/criticising etc.

It's frustrating!
I know it's not his fault (he had depression since 14), but everything is viewed through this dark cloud.
We home ed as no suitable place and it's a constant worrying he does about future, that's really demoralising. Kid is making progress. Amazing at history and geography. Taught himself to read. He is behind the curriculum but will be fine. Much more calm at 10 now. It's the constant 'will he be going to school'?, 'do you think he is doing better'? that is getting irritating.
comes from a man who has a major school trauma that he admits to and who studied engineering as a choice he didn't even want to do, who then ended up in a basic job, because can't work out how interviews are done

Just a flavour here 🙈

You’ve hit the nail on the head of course when you say he’s so totally unable to accept criticism that he projects on to me. If he had just said how sorry he was I would have (again) forgiven him. But all I got was a terse “sorry for shouting” and then storming off as I felt unable to accept his pithy apology. And now I’m being told he thinks I behaved badly and should apologise to him as well. I cannot get over that. I just can’t.

That sounds really tough. You have an awful lot on your plate!

@Rainbow03 that's my dh too. Not a word about how he feels. I think that’s the alexithymia there.

@MySocksAreDotty im always finding it fascinating that our dh have suck skewed ideas of what some words means.
I fully agree with you that his idea of emotional intimacy isn’t what he thinks he it is. I mean the possibility of offloading to someone wo feeling judged is really important but that’s just one part of it.
The emotional connexion and, as you said, the ability to have a conversation around your deepest feelings are also essential.
I know my dh is unable to have a simple conversation around … well anything that requires negociation and a difference of opinion. There is no way he’ll ever be able to do that around feelings.

@BustyLaRoux i completely get your fear around money. In a big way, That’s what keeps me there if I’m really honest.

But you have a huge advantage vs me. You still work. You’ve been able to look after yourself and your dcs on your own before (financially but also practically and emotionally).
Please don’t make the mistake I did. To wait and wait until you are making yourself ill. I did and I’m now unable to work. The result being that I am even more stuck in a relationship that is making my health worse (because stress in general is making myself worse).
No amount of gifts and monetary possessions will be able to make up to the impact it has on you. Physically, emotionally. And in some ways, the impact it has on your dcs too.

Oh yes, the emotional connection.
They want to off-load their things but when we want to do the same, we get half-way through our talk before they start talking about their issues. I wasn't finished!
Or they don't listen properly or give advice that's not needed.
And then we don't bother because we don't feel listened to. And they get accused of 'not sharing' anything 🤷‍♀️

@MySocksAreDotty what annoys me the most is that he thinks how he feels is normal and I’m abnormal and too emotional. I find that gaslighting. He should recognise (as I do about my limitations) that how he thinks is not the “normal”. It’s extremely dangerous to tell someone how they feel is stupid and not important because you don’t feel it. That’s where I kind of draw a line. The person needs to accept their diversity and see it’s not how everyone feels. I accept I am extremely sensitive with rejection and I can’t expect everyone to tip toe around me and I accept that most people don’t feel like me and I don’t expect them to. He can’t accept however that he has very little feeling and that it’s quite the “norm”.

I personally would feel lack of money is a relevant situation, especially when kids are involved. Social welfare has never been enough to support women and children escaping bad relationships and the cost of housing now is historically unprecedented in our lifetimes. The cost of living is at national crisis point. Especially if your earning power or health is affected by the stress.

So it’s a personal judgement and everyone has to find the line of what is bearable and what’s not but there is no shame (quite the opposite) in doing what you have to do to keep everyone fed and clothed and housed.

Sometimes working out your best safest next move has to be a long process. I think there’s a lot of understanding and support on here for the complexities of breaking up and of staying together when you have kids and ND is in the mix. We’re all finding different routes through it.

@Rainbow03 I’m putting the inability to accept people won’t feel like him as an issue with putting yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Which wouldn’t be such a problem IF dh had a real understanding of his own limitations. His lack of self understanding is at the root of a lot of the issues I have. It’s probably true for a lot of our dh/DP too.

It’s extremely dangerous to tell someone how they feel is stupid and not important because you don’t feel it. That’s where I kind of draw a line.

Very much agree. I struggle with this all the time in my own reactions and other people’s reactions. I find it very demanding.

I’m having such a difficult time with him lately. We are always arguing because he has absolutely no idea how I feel. We are arguing this morning because I’ve asked him to take the toddler so I can pack myself and the two children’s things for holiday next week. He’s come out the room with the toddler and said see look it isn’t hard to pack with children as I’ve done mine easy. It’s not the point I can pack with them but I need a break. I’m with them all week climbing all over me and I just want a small amount of time on my own to pack. He hasn’t a clue how I feel and now made it into a competition.

@ThischarmingHam yep that is true.
(And things are also usually much more complicated than just money. Well at least in my case)

But where do you draw the line?
I think we can often think about some obvious stuff. Like relief of not having to deal with angry outbursts all the time. Or fear of not having enough money just right now. That’s one thing that kept me in my marriage when the dcs were small. It’s still what is keeping me now - because how in earth am I going to live on £800 a month and still get the support I need (like a cleaner, supplements and therapies that give me some quality of life).
What we much less often think about is the trade off of staying which goes so much further than ‘having to deal with the anger/bring a PA etc…’. That’s what I was getting at.

It’s not that the financial side isn’t important. It really is (incl the stress of being on bread line) . It’s that there are so many other things to think about long term too.

I agree SpecialMangeTout there is so much complexity in all this, it is very hard and lonely trying to weigh things up and trying to feel confident of what is the right thing to do. Things change all the time and relevant factors rise up and sometimes fall back. This thread is such a rare resource in allowing these things to be expressed.

Special "im always finding it fascinating that our dh have suck skewed ideas of what some words means"; autism is a social communication difference, so this is key. DP's rigidity around language, meaning, lack of interpretive capacity and difficulty with processing input in any other format than what he has expected, had always frustrated me, but once DC1 was diagnosed with autism and we worked with SaLT and developed supportive language use, the penny really dropped concerning DP.
Now I know it really is a huge blind spot which he lacks the capacity to develop, I have ceased feeling frustrated with him and resigned myself to a life of ultra-unambiguous communication, a bit like talking in programming code. And, sadly, only really communicating about practicalities. DP still requires me to fill the function of 'anxiety dump' (he feels this is emotional intimacy) and benefits from being able to thrash out ideas aloud with me as a 'listening ear' but in my mind, I no longer think of this as us 'communicating' in any meaningful way; I am providing a useful service. It'll hold for now.