He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Not being funny, but if you read the OP's last couple of posts, she HAS asked him, and he was evasive and weird and wouldn't give an answer other than, hmm 'maybe I dunno well one day who knows.....' 🙄

He is being cruel. Very cruel. The 'he's been all smiley and cuddly' line made me cringe too. He is only being 'nice' to the OP, because he's scared she may leave, and he'll be on his own, with no-one to houseshare with, and share the bills with, (and no-one to do his laundry and ironing, and cook his meals, and do all the wifework and home admin.) Keeping her dangling on that piece of string he is!

And the exchange of 'don't know, maybe, 'one day, not sure, blah blah blah,' was infuriating to read. The bloody bloke doesn't want to marry her, and it's horrible to witness a woman who has scales permanently glued to her eyes! I'd be so angry, and sad if this was my daughter.

If he hasn't after 13 years, he's not going to.

As a general rule, if a man hasn't propsed by the two year mark, bye bye. He doesn't want you, but you'd best believe he'll mess you around and exploit your labour until his dream girl comes along.

So your sister was married to him, then he left her for somebody else?

Hmmm, I wouldn't say 2 years really. I know quite a few couples where the man didn't want to get married, who met at 20-23 y.o. and were still not married 6-7 years later.

Then he suddenly proposed when they were 26-28. Like after 6 to 8 years together. Then they got engaged quickly, and married within a year to a year and a half.

13 years though, both around 40, and no sign of a wedding or marriage, or even an engagement ring?! Nope. Not gonna happen.

I'm willing to give a little bit of leeway to under 25s, but over 25? Two years is more than enough to know whether or not you want to marry somebody. Though I think 7-8 years is still a bit iffy.

13 years is an absoloute piss take.

7-8 years is ridiculous, 13 definitely means the bloke isn't going for it.

Yeah fair enough. If a couple meet at 26 say, and he has not wanted to commit by 32-33 I would be a bit concerned. And yeah over 40, not gonna happen. Especially when they have been together 13 years.

It's 2024 and you're in your 40s why can't you just have a mature adult conversation about it?
He probably just doesn't want to get married, doesn't mean he's not committed, he just isn't that bothered. Tell him how much it means to you and if it's a hard no from him then you need to consider your options

7-8 years isn't ridiculous. As a pp said, 7-8 years is OK if they met at say 19-22, as they would still be only mid to late 20s when they got married. Bit different (and a bit weird) to wait that long if they're 26-28 when they meet, as you are a bit older then.

I don't agree that a man does not want to commit EVER if he is still not mentioning or thinking about marriage after 2 years. That's no time at all. me and DH weren't even living together after 2 years! (Moved in together after 2.5 years, married after 5... (he asked me after 4 years together.)

Exactly.

And none of that "oh, we'll get engaged when we move to this house. Oh, we'll get engaged when I earn this much."

It's never going to happen. The goalposts will always move. Just cut it loose and find someone who does legitimately want to be with you without conditions.

@Elliegeez better get on with it by asking him. Or it will never happen.

This sounds like something from another century to me! So, so old school!

I’ve been with my oh for nearly 30 years. Son of 20+
i just said I want to go to (destination) next year on holiday and I think we should get married while we are there, incase one of us dies. It’d make things far easier and we need to get it done.

he said ok. That was it, we are now married.

Well, I think it is. It doesn't matter if you got together at 20. If 8 years have passed, someone doesn't want to commit.

She did ask him. He basically gaslit her by pretending it was a hypothetical conversation and then shut her down by smiling and cuddling her.

24 hours on now and if it were me my suitcases would be in the hall with the taxi on the way. A no contact week in a local hotel would be in order.

I appreciate the comments and advice but I am amazed at how many people, who know very little about a situation can say so surely to someone that he doesn't want to be with you, he's just with you for an easy life.

I admit, the very little information you have about our relationship is not that great.

It makes me sad that so many of you think that men will only get married if they want sex and should be forced into it. Threatening him with an ultimatum. It makes me feel like you have never experienced true love where you absolutely, without doubt know that you were meant to be together.

He shows me constantly how he feels. I can't go into all of the things he has done for me on here.

Not wanting children was my decision, it's not something he has "brainwashed" into me, i have my reasons that i do not wish to share here. I have checked many times and he is happy.

I don't share my feelings very often. I will often mask things.

I have no doubt he loves me and I love him. I posted here to ask for advice on how to start the subject. So many of you helped me do exactly that lastnight. Our conversation may not sound like a big deal to anyone else but I honestly think he's seen it as me giving him the green light to propose. He is the type to do the proposal. I really think that he thought I didn't want to get married.

I didn't want to push any further because I don't want to take that chance of a surprise proposal away. We have a special trip planned to celebrate my 40th birthday soon. It would be the perfect opportunity. If he doesn't do it by then, I will start a more serious conversation about it.

Marriage itself is really not that important to me. If he told me he didn't want to get married, for whatever reason, I really would accept it. He is my other half I could never threaten him with an ultimatum or leave him.

You may think I'm naive but I am in a very happy, very loving relationship. The only problem is when this proposal pops into my head and it makes me feel sad. I know it needs addressing which is why I asked for advice and I've got the ball rolling.

My friend was in the same situation. I asked my DH to speak to her bf who is his best friend. To say that this whole marriage thing really mattered to her and was making her so sad. He proposed pretty much straight away
He said he simply hadn't realised it was so important to her

Exactly. I don't understand why a woman would stay with a man who keeps coming up with excuse after excuse to not get married.

Propose to him. It's 2024.

Read her comments.

@CatrionaBalfour If a couple meet at 18-20, it's not that weird to still not be married within 7-8 years. They'd still only be in their mid 20s.

Have to agree to disagree. I'm not going to change my mind.

OP please do not feel that we are attacking you in any way. After all, is your life. And we are, in a way, projecting our life experience in the reply we given you.And is up to you whether to take it or not.

As I say only you can decide where to go from here. But please protect yourself financially - you can never be sure of anybody but yourself. Make sure your name is on the deed, he has named you in the will and beneficiary in the event of death and most importantly, keep your own savings. Without the protection of marriage, you are after all, a housemate in the eye of the law at best.

All the best OP

@Elliegeez your update is full of contradictions. You wax lyrical about your loving relationship, yet can't have a proper adult conversation. You say marriage isn't that important to you, but having no proposal makes you sad. You're critical of responses, but people are reacting to your problem and request for help, viz: why won't he propose?
You want to get married, you want a proposal. 13 years is a long time, you're almost 40. It's not like you're both young and naive.
I think you're backtracking a bit. Are you embarrassed? Just ask him directly for a yes or no.

Nor me. That's why they're called opinions, they vary! 😄