He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Why did he not realise? What terrible communication.

Also, we're not attacking you, OP. People are genuinely giving good advice, you decide whether to take it or leave it. Just reflect on 13 years, though.

Oh OP 💔 I think you’ll be waiting a long time for what you want. You really think his wishy washy response about maybe wanting marriage was him realising he had the green light from you to propose? 😨

This. ^ People aren't attacking you @Elliegeez A few are probably being a bit coarse and harsh, but it's because people are frustrated to read what you're saying. And people are concerned about your denial, and insistence you are happy and he is Mr Wonderful, when you started the thread very down because he won't propose, and keeps making lame excuses.

We have seen it all before; a man keeping his woman dangling on a string for years and YEARS, and making excuse after excuse to not put a ring on it. Then leaving her heartbroken and distressed when he fucks off with another woman often 5-10 years younger, gets married within a year, and has a baby with her within 2 years!

I think the scales need to fall from your eyes, and that you are being very naïve. Like some others I hope I am wrong, and that you get the proposal you want (or manage to get him down the aisle!) in the next 2-3 years. He is 40 now, and you've been together 13 years, so I honestly cannot see a marriage occurring between you and him.

I don't wish to upset or stress you out any further - and have said all I want to say now (several times over!) So I'm off the thread now. All the best to you. Good luck, and I hope things turn out how you want them to. Over and out.

So, in other words, you're no nearer.
You won't be getting married unless you push harder than this. He clearly doesn't want to do it.

You are trying to convince yourself by convincing us. We don't matter. We are strangers. But you are contradicting yourself massively.

It's very rude and patronising to say that we must not have experienced real love.

Real love is not fudging a question, not being honest, smirking and shutting down, making fun, taking the piss.

Real love is I don't want to get married for this reason. I know you want to so can we discuss my concerns. Let's see if we can work through them. Then saying will you marry me or saying I still don't want to be married so do you want to leave?

@Elliegeez I think it’s good you had a conversation with him, but I’d go back and be more direct. My boyfriend talked about us getting married one day. So I said ‘I’m ready now, I want to get married now’. Then he said ‘ok, will you marry me?’ Not the most romantic, but I did get a slightly more romantic one later with a ring (only slightly more). I always imagined a big grand proposal. But, we had a wonderful, small wedding and we have an even more wonderful marriage. I think if I hadn’t been so direct about wanting to get married ‘now’ he still wouldn’t have proposed all these years later 🤣

Give it another 13 years

Discuss it like a grown up, tell him what you want. He either wants the same or he doesn’t.

Re-read your OP, and then come back again and tell us that this is True Love, the likes of which other posters couldn't possibly know...

Hi OP tricky one.

I think you can only be honest with him and say marriage is so important to you and you want to get married in say a years time.

Tell him you want to be married to him by X date.

Do you need the proposal? Or could you just agree you're engaged, set a date and get married?

My DH is the kind of person who, providing he's happy, will stay "as is" forever. Unless he's told something needs to change. So I told him we were getting engaged and to sort that out (he did). I set the date and we sorted the wedding. I told him we were buying a house so he started looking. But if I don't tell him what I want out of life next, he doesn't know and I won't get it from him. So, I tell him, we talk, then action happens.

Tell him. Just say it.

After 14 pages of replies this is all starting to sound silly.

The OP intends to stay, whether married or not. After all, this is True Love.
She doesn't see it as a lack of commitment.
She just wants to get married because well no logic reason really just wants a romantic proposal and things.
No kids involved, so the risk is all on the OP. If you wanted to be really scientific about it, her desire to be married, doesn't trump his, to not be. If she doesn't care enough about to leave, why should he?

I don't see the problem here really. Also, if he's the one with more assets, he'd be an idiot to marry her with no discernible benefit.

The OP could leave, and never find someone else as compatible as her DP, let alone one willing to marry her.

So the status quo is a non problem.

So if marriage is so important to you why haven’t you told him in 15 years?

Do you generally tip toe around him so much when it comes to expressing your needs or does this only happen with the marriage issue? Sorry, just curious 🧐

From your conversation with him when he said he did want to get married, it wasn’t all that clear that you wanted to. Maybe he’s not sure that that is what you want. Well done for bringing it up though, I’m sure you’ll both get there in the end. 💍

OP, I’m going to be very blunt.

You say you often mask.

Your partner’s reaction to your questions was deeply odd for a couple who have been together 13 years.

Neither of you can communicate your wants and needs to each other effectively and yet its True Love.

Are you and your partner neurodiverse? Is that the thing we’re not understanding?

I'm not very good at talking about feelings generally. I open up to him more than anyone. It's just this one subject

Have you not read the billions of threads on this site previously from women in your exact position? Do you not think 13 years is plenty of time for him to get his act together? He doesn’t want to marry you. And whats worse is he is deliberately keeping you in limbo.

I don’t doubt you love him, and in his own way he might love you . But love doesn’t mean keeping someone dangling for 13 years. 13 years! Some people get less for murder .

I was not referring to “expressing your feelings”, I was talking about “expressing your needs“, similar but different. I don’t understand why in 13 years he’s never told you what’s stopping him from marrying, it’s plenty of time to discuss what’s stopping him (unless of course it’s not in his best interests to tell you the real reason which would make sense as why he’s keeping mum about it).

It’s because people have been in your situation and they know what’s coming. My heart breaks for you as I know this has more chance ending the same way mine did. Except I wasted nearly 20 years……twenty fucking years. If only I listened, but I thought I knew better, I thought we was in love, turned out it was just be who wanted to get married. 20 years of him saying he wants to as well, 20 years of being strung along, always found a reason not to in the end. We even went and looked at venues together!!! They play a convincing game, but you’ll never walk down the aisle with him waiting at the end of it. If he wanted to marry you, you would have been married years ago, he would have been chomping at the bit to make you his, but he hasn’t….why is that?

If he really is your partner and soulmate he would absolutely KNOW that you want to get married and that it means a lot to you.

Been there myself. Been with my partner almost 8 years, we gave twin 2 year olds. We spoke about marriage loads earlier on and then it stopped. 2 years ago a good friend of ours proposed to his GF of 2 years and they married last year. On Jan this year his brother proposed to his GF of 4 years. I just lost the plot. The resentment was too much and we started arguing constantly. We did counselling and it really helped him see my point. He proposed at the end of may. Some people don’t understand how the resentment of waiting can really mess up a relationship. You need to have a chat with him and see what the issue it. Tell him how it makes you feel.

i ont get why he still cant give you a straight answer after all these years

hope your name is on the mortgage

Oh for goodness sake, just ASK HIM TO MARRY YOU. He is damn well never going to ask, and you know it. So YOU do it! All this pissing about, maybe, do you, I don't know do you, it's like two 14 year olds playing shy or asking each other if they want pizza. Just put on your big girl pants and ASK HIM! Today. Now!