He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

Ouch. Him repeating "maybe" isn't a conversation. I sincerely hope he is a still waters run deep person and he's hearing what you're saying and will act on it, but I also hope you don't hold your breath. Or continue to put your life on hold either.

Tell him. 13 years is long enough, if he doesn't want to marry you now he never will

But it is a big deal if you want a 'proposal'

Sorry typed my post then read what @Runsyd had put and could have just quoted this instead! Spot on.

He knows if he says "no I don't want to get married" then you'll kick off and his lovely and comfortable life / home / girlfriend is at risk and he doesn't want that (until maybe he has something else lined up).

My best friend was with someone for years and would go on about him proposing and constantly drop hints. He used to pacify her all the time with bullshit. "We'll start saving once the extension has been finished and we have some spare cash" "Once I've been in my new job a year and have had my bonus" etc. This went on and on for years until eventually he left her. For someone else. Who he proposed to within 12 months.

What 1% do you mean?

I'm pretty sure he'll already know that 13 years is "long enough", but since OP chooses to stay he still gets the benefits without any real commitment and can seem to brush off occasional blips like this with "I don't know" and a cuddle

I guess a genuine ultimatum might just force an engagement ring out of him, but that's the very most OP's ever likely to get and how humiliating to try organising a wedding alone ("nothing happens unless I plan it") knowing that his heart really isn 't in it

After seeing your last post, I do believe he lives you and is committed to you, he's just too laid back to make it official and maybe a bit anxious about it. You seem like the more in charge one who organises things so why should this be any different? You're putting yourself through all these years of waiting when you could just start the process yourself, and make it a small event. It sounds like he shows his commitment every day to you.
I would start organising things yourself, because he will never make that move.

The 1% where he does propose without any further pushing

Love this 😀
I think my 'proposal' went something like
"shall we get wed then"? In his very northern accent!

Blimey...I didn't know only 1% of men proposed without any encouragement/pushing!

Next time you're planning a holiday, why don't you suggest "Why don't we get married in Greece/wherever whilst we're out there?"

OP, I am sure you don't wanna hear this, but my sister was married to someone like your partner, really sweet and pulled weight at home but cagey and awkward around the talk about marriage and wedding. They were together 8 years. She didn't want kids so he sort of said he didn't either. Mutual decision in the end.

He kept saying it will happen, but he doesn't know. Really laid back, and overall very passively involved in the discussion.

He left my sister for a woman 9 years younger then him when he hit 40 ( my Dsis 36), then proposed within 6 months. They have 2 kids back to back.

She just wasn't the person he wanted to marry.

Keep your eyes wide open.

And you’re still none the wiser after that conversation!

If he was the sort to do a proposal , he would have done it by now so just give up on that. Just say you would like to be married and that you want to start planning it for X date.

You’ll soon know if he starts protesting or, hopefully you will get your wish.

Your update makes me want to shake you. He’s fobbing you off, you know it, he knows it, he knows you know it and you’re not anywhere further forward. Nothing will happen unless you find your voice and use it.

It sounds like he’s not sure YOU want to get married. Why not be more positive? If I were him I’d have no clue you were keen from that conversation.

He was cuddly, smiley, nice to you after the conversation to fob you off. Get you back in a good mood, things back to how they've always been.

Make your statement. Stop being casual.

Oh @Elliegeez you are being strung along and you just can’t see it.

I know you won’t admit it to yourself but just to be clear, he is never going to propose. You may be able to railroad him by just arranging a wedding but there’s a very good chance he will back out.

You are kidding yourself and it’s sad, really sad.

Well, you've had A conversation but not THE conversation.

You talked round the houses, used twee phrases and did not simply say: I want us to be married, do you? I want to set a date, are you willing to do that? I do not want this twee beating about the bush and vagueness - either we plan it or not. It is either what you want or not; and if it is what you want we need to get on with it. I have had enough of this procrastinating. If you want me to be your wife, then we need to set a date for this year.

FGS sock it to him. If you do not even feel able to do that or to have a blunt conversation, then you are not with the right man.

There's an interesting article in today's i newspaper by Kate Lister; 'Sorry,ladies, he doesn't want to get married if he gives you a 'shut up' ring'; the definition of a "'shut up' ring being that it's an engagement ring that has been proffered, not because the giver seriously wants to get married, but because they want the recipient to shut up about getting married"

She had 'only' been with her partner for 9 years before she got the ring, and cancelled the wedding (and left her partner) when she realised what was going on.

Ah cute 😊I love hearing "proposals" like this where it's completely natural and just part of your relationship and day to day life rather than some big, extravagant gesture in some random location that doesn't really have any meaning / is just done for show!

I know our wedding will just be a small affair with a few family and friends but even just thinking about marrying DP and him being my husband makes me feel so happy I could burst. And I'm usually massively cold-hearted and unromantic 😂

@Catnipcupcakes · Today 00:58

Really don’t want to be mean, OP, but you dropped the ball when you accepted ‘I don’t know’ as a final answer to ‘when will we marry?’. He won’t marry you. You have your answer, which is what you said you wanted. I think maybe a health or existential crisis might force the issue one day though.

Until then I truly wish you peace and happiness living together as a family. Its more than a lot of people have. Oh, and yes, start referring to him as ‘my partner’, you’re right about ‘boyfriend’ being inadequate when you’ve owned a house together for 13 years!

@Aquamarine1029

His response to you asking about getting married was pretty shit, honestly. He has no intention of actually getting married.

@sandyhappypeople

I find your update absolutely infuriating!! You plucked up the courage to ask him, you pushed him for an answer - and after a while you asked when do you think we'll get married? He said I don't know.

All of this. ^ Sorry @Elliegeez but you are utterly deluded. Your partner is never going to marry you. He's got everything he wants, an easy comfortable life with a woman running around after him, and making his life easier both practically - and financially, and he is in no rush to change things.

As has been said, you have your answer. He doesn't want to marry you. Why are you not accepting this?

Nothing about that conversation suggests he wants to marry you. You need to get specific. "I want to get married and I want to book it and do it, not just talk about it vaguely. Registry office in 3 months?" His reaction will tell you all you need to know.

You've handed him the lot already.

Access to your companionship, your bed, your body, your wifework, your income.

Why would he feel any need to do what men used to need to do for all that?

FFS don't get pregnant in the hope that will push him into it.

That conversation has just set you up for another 10 years of frustration.

It seems to me that you don't want to push the subject because you know where it might lead.

I can only see 2 positive scenarios here 1) the extremely slim chance he spontaneously proposes (which based on some of his previous responses just isn't going to happen) or 2) he sits you down for a proper conversation about why he is so reluctant and there are reasons that make it 100% clear it is not personal to you. Even with scenario 2 I'd be furious that it's taken him 13 years to have the conversation when you have made your expectations/wants/needs perfectly clear in the past.

I believe any other outcome with only further damage your self-esteem, which doesn't seem to be in a great place to begin with. If you had a childhood like mine you might be hesitant to do things that make you feel like a burden but you are in your 40's now and if you don't learn to grow out of that you will never get your needs met.

You are worth more than this. You don't need him to propose to make you feel worthy, you need to leave or at least give him a deadline/ultimatum to force an outcome here, in order to show yourself that you are worthy.

This. I didn't believe it until it happened to me. Apparently DH was with his ex- partner for 14 years, bought a house etc. but the marriage topic was brushed off even though it was well known that his ex wanted to be married. He left her after a major bereavement in his own life and we met a few months later. He initiated the topic of marriage within a few months into our relationship and we were married by the end of 3 years. He said he thought he wasn't the marriage type in his previous relationship and viewed it as a piece of paper, but deep down he knew he was in the wrong relationship.
However I made it very clear to him from the get go that I have zero intentions of being in an unmarried partnership of 2 digit years with no motivation to marry. Not sure if it was a catalyst but I did find DH very proactive to get married with me.
OP, I would have a final conversation and make my point extremely clear. It doesn't sound like you were clear enough this time to me. No TV, no distractions, tell him how this makes you feel and where you want to go in life with him. If he truly loves you and values you he will come on board.