He still hasn't proposed - I really need some help

[Elliegeez]

The bottom line is that we've been together 13 years and he has still not proposed.

We talked about it in the early days, we both said we wanted to be married one day.

I wanted it to be a surprise so I never wanted to talk about it, I just assumed he would do it.

Then time marched on...

I imagined that he was planning to do it on this holiday, or that trip, or that Christmas.

Then it had been so long that it seemed hard to start the conversation. The longer I leave it, the harder it is. I just don't know how to start the conversation.

I'm sure that we want to be together forever and that we were just meant to be but now I'm starting to feel so angry and upset that I think it's affecting our relationship.

I've tried hints like looking at rings, showing him rings. I even said over a year ago that I wanted to be married by the time I was 40 he said "you better move quick then" and I said "no you better move quick". Then I waited....then I turned 40.

I know he doesn't know how much it's upsetting me and I know I need to talk about it, I just don't know how.

What should I say first? What situation? I've tried just getting drunk, hoping it would fall out, but that didn't work either.

Anytime we watch anything with a wedding or a proposal I just feel so sad.

Please help me.

I think she can see it though..

She knows in her heart of hearts that he doesn't want to get married, it's the reason she was so worried about broaching the subject in the first place and it is the reason she seems to have accepted his non committal answer.

She knows that if she forces the issue, it may all come crashing down.. at the point OP is at, she's now got to decide whether she wants to be with her partner (knowing they will probably never get married) or ruining what happiness they've already got by forcing him into marriage when she knows that's not what he wants.

I'd say OP has now made her decision.

Well, he sounds like a piece of work. My DH was the same, and I posted about it here before. Of course I got told by everyone that he’s just not that into me. I always kind of knew that he wasn’t keen on marriage (he just felt awkward about the whole thing and declaring his love in front of a registrar, but he didn’t say it at that time…just kept it vague, similar like your DP). I was the one instigating it and planning it all, we had a small wedding in the end, and recently he told me: ‘that was actually really lovely, what a shame that we can’t do it all again’ 😂 He’s a great husband and we’re expecting our baby…just saying that as an example that it doesn’t always have to be a doomed relationship if he isn’t keen on getting married. But I’d be (and was!) annoyed at him as well. I think in the end you might need to decide what’s more important to you, the relationship you have with him or getting married.

Your update is quite heartbreaking OP.

You asked several questions to summarise:
1.Why have we never got married?
Answer: there’s still time.
2.So we will one day?
Answer: I don't know, maybe.
3.Do you want to get married?
Answer: maybe.
4.Maybe? So you might not?
Answer: I don't know.
5.well do you or not?
Answer: long pause ‘yes’
6.yes what?
Answer: I do want to.

How can you be reassured by this? You had to ask 6 questions to make him say he wanted to get married. And even then he doesn’t say ‘yes babe of course I want to marry YOU’. He said ‘maybe’ and ‘don’t know’ twice each. Only when he couldn’t get away with saying maybe or don’t know for a third time did you force a ‘yes’ out of him. And he really took his time to answer. He considered saying ‘no’ that is for sure.

As PP have said, he does not want to marry you.

Time to be honest with yourself OP. If you have always really wanted DC, but you were persuaded out of it by this time-waster, you have tough decisions to make quickly. I don’t think this one will marry you. And you face the real probability he’ll meet someone else who he will marry and have DC with.

You know him best, if you honestly think he didn’t know you wanted this and that he does want it, revisit the chat and say you want a 2024 date and shall you both start planning now - see what he says.

Good luck OP. Hope I’m wrong.
💐

This. I think OP is wasting her life on this man but she will never leave, she won’t believe he’s not absolutely committed to her even though he’s just using her until…well, we all know what.

The thought of a 40 something man wriggling out of a discussion about marriage after 13 years by repeating ‘maybe, I don’t know’ and being all smiley and cuddly makes my flesh crawl but OP thinks its sweet and a hopeful sign and has no intention of rocking the boat further because she doesn’t want to hear ‘no’.

So I really do wish her peace and happiness going on as they are until he gets seriously ill or hits 55 and marries her because he realises nobody else is going to look after him.

Op you’re absolutely settling if you stay with this guy no matter if you force him to propose the outcome will be the same

'The thought of a 40 something man wriggling out of a discussion about marriage after 13 years by repeating ‘maybe, I don’t know’ and being all smiley and cuddly makes my flesh crawl but OP thinks its sweet and a hopeful sign and has no intention of rocking the boat further because she doesn’t want to hear ‘no’.'
I thought this too, I winced when I read the 'smiley and cuddly' bit.

A mortgage is simply a commitment to your bank. You've proven to your boyfriend that you'll hang about with no marriage. It must be awful to be with someone you can't communicate with.

Remember the phrase if he wanted to, he would.

God how wishy washy! How utterly frustrating!! Why can't you just tell him what you want, and how important it is to you?! Why didn't you, when he said he wanted to get married, follow it up with a conversation about the how and when? He's quite happy how it is - he doesn't care about getting married! Him being smiley and cuddly just gives me the ick!

Talk to him again. Say that as he's now said he wants to get married, how do you both want to go about it and when? Little matter of an engagement ring too!

Don’t be some man’s maybe OP.

No don't update us. Just agree you're engaged and go ring shopping and set a date.

The update will be why did I waste all this time? I wish I'd listened.

It is cruel what he said and how he's treating you but it's embarrassing how little you're accepting.

He Does Not Want To Marry You.

When my husband proposed, three times on the same occasion, and I had said yes, he said straight away I don't want a long engagement let's get married in the summer. And we were.

The bottom line is that as much as people on here will tell you a number of things the simple truth is that:

You wanted to get married before you were 40, you wanted HIM to propose (you don't want to propose to him and I don't blame you), he hasn't proposed because ultimately it's not really worth his time or effort, or the expenditure.

There is a saying, why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free. That saying applies to your situation.

Why would he propose to you when you have stuck around for 13 years, not made a big deal about it, not really said anything and just waited like a patient little woman.

Now, the problem is that you're invested in this relationship now, and by and large things between you are actually probably pretty great so you don't want to feel like it's worth the risk of ruining the situation if you actually lay down some consequences, but at the same time you still want to get married, and you want him to care about that.

Well, he doesn't. He doesn't see the need, it's all very logical to him that he has everything he wants and spending a few thousand on a wedding/engagement ring/wedding ring/honeymoon is really probably not worth the hassle.

I mean you're there aren't you?
You go on holiday together already right?
You sleep together?
You likely own a home together?

So what exactly is the motivation for him when thus far you have done nothing and said nothing except every now and then, and it's really easy for him to just basically brush that off and you'll shut up again.

Do you see where i'm going with this?

It's up to you what you do, but you've got yourself in a bit of a pickle here so it becomes a question of, is this a hill you want to die on?

If it is a hill you want to die on then frankly, you sit him down, you tell him that you've always wanted to get married, that you feel like you've been ignored and dismissed, that it isn't acceptable to you, and that actually if he doesn't want to marry you then you don't see the point in carrying on with him because YOU want to get married.

It could be seen as cutting your nose off to spite your face, because like i said, you've left it 13 years here. You've tolerated it. You've allowed it. You're married in all but name.

If you left him you'd have to go back out onto the dating market again, find someone else, hope they are as good, hope they want to marry you and in the meantime sell your house and deal with heartbreak. He'd probably think you've lost your fucking marbles in the process.

But unless you make it crystal clear with this guy that actually you're not cool with this and you are SERIOUS about it, then nothing will change because you will get back in your box and shut up about it and slowly simmer over it.

What's more important? The relationship? Or what you personally would like for yourself in your life?

How can you want to be with, and love, a man who is so manipulative and doesn't care to give you what you want never mind a reason for why he doesn't want the same? It is fine for him not want to be married. It is NOT fine to string you along as it's easier for him and he gets sex.

You know what's going to happen don't you?

In a year, maybe two years, he'll meet The One. They'll be married within a few months and have a couple of kids within the next 18 months or so.

Don't waste any more time on this man. He doesn't want children with YOU. He doesn't want to get married to YOU.

😞 he’ll wait for you to get over this particular upset and it’ll go back to how it was. He doesn’t really want to, he just didn’t really want to tell you that because he knows you do.

I suggested we get married to my second DH. Not a proposal, exactly. He agreed.

'You'd better move quick'

There your answer. He has no intention of proposing. Sounds to me like he's telling you you'll need to be quick to find someone else who will.

I can't understand how you managed to get to 13 years and actually believe it would ever happen. If he wanted to marry you then he'd have done so years ago. Personally I'd leave him.

Can he afford to propose and get married? Sometimes other things get in the way? It's not always so black and white. I certainly wouldn't give him an ultimatum. If you don't want to propose yourself and marriage means that much to you you'll need to leave and hunt to the next guy and hope he proposes..... what if he doesn't. Will you leave again for the next one to propose?...

This, sorry but he ain’t that into you and it’s easier to stay with you.

I agree.

This is the part of it that makes me so sad. OP doesn’t believe this is a possibility because he loves her really….but how many times have we seen it happen?

The way he treated her last night was just cruel. 😔

If he wanted marriage you’d be married by now.
A couple in our extended family have been together well over 20 years. She really wants marriage. Every couple of years they make plans for the wedding then ‘something crops up’ - his mother is ill, he’s not well, they moved flat. his dad died etc etc. Now, when they make the announcement that they are getting married nest year,nobody takes any notice. I feel sad for her and I think he’s an absolute tosser.

I agree. I think he's being cruel.

FFS sake, OP!

Just ask him.

No flowers.
No fanfare.
Just in the middle of dinner where he can't escape and has to answer yay or nay.

If he says yes, fix a day. If he squirms, even a teeny weeny bit, he's going to bolt.

Be prepared for disappointment but hope for wedding bells.

This way, you'll know. You can't spend another 13 years waiting for him to make a decision. You'll both be on your boxes if you do.

I think you need to follow on from that little chat. Ask him how he feels about setting a date. I think you need to drive this a little, if you want it to happen.

LTB