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Original poster

Husband being nasty about my past

370 replies

Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 21:57

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2024 22:23

Well he's either fucking someone else or turned into a prick

Why put up with it? Just say it's nothing to do with him and if he carries on attempting to shame you for being a normal sexually active woman.

Flowers
LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2024 22:24

You'll leave

Makethisrainstop · 15/07/2024 22:25

Someone's been stirring and winding him up about you

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:27

LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2024 22:24

You'll leave

I said in anger yesterday that I'd do it again (send that photo to the guy) he kept asking why I did it, so I just snapped and said I don't care, I don't regret it, I'd do it again. As in, it's not a big deal type thing
His response was. You're gonna make a great single mum all sarcastic and horrible.

So I think if I said anything about leaving, he'd just respond like that.

But it's not okay is it. I haven't done anything wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:28

Makethisrainstop · 15/07/2024 22:25

Someone's been stirring and winding him up about you

Who though?! And why?
He wouldn't have any contact with anyone from my past. We don't live near that area anymore

OP posts:
AgreeableDragon · 15/07/2024 22:29

How old is your baby? I’m wondering if becoming a father has sparked some latent insecurities, or triggered something in him?
Otherwise, could there have been something else that triggered this out of character behaviour?

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:30

AgreeableDragon · 15/07/2024 22:29

How old is your baby? I’m wondering if becoming a father has sparked some latent insecurities, or triggered something in him?
Otherwise, could there have been something else that triggered this out of character behaviour?

Not really a baby, 18 months. Just call her a baby.
And we have an older child aswell so I don't think it's that.

OP posts:
bakail · 15/07/2024 22:30

It sounds as though he's trying to justify his own behaviour in some way.

Any chance he's cheating OP? This is so unlike me to think this.

BananaLambo · 15/07/2024 22:33

Mentally he’s reducing your ‘value’ as a partner so he can justify shagging someone he sees as ‘higher value’ and therefore more deserving of his affections.

yhk · 15/07/2024 22:33

"So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶"

Personally I don't think it is particularly normal. I have never felt the need to know a partner's past relationship/sexual history. When I've been asked myself, I've always said that I am not sharing any information about it.

Did you share that information off your own back or did he ask?

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:34

bakail · 15/07/2024 22:30

It sounds as though he's trying to justify his own behaviour in some way.

Any chance he's cheating OP? This is so unlike me to think this.

I suppose there's always a chance but I hadn't thought that.
I don't see when he would be, I haven't noticed anything strange.
He said later on in the day he needs reassurance. But why suddenly. It's so weird.
He said a while ago he felt I had given him less attention recently. Been busy with kids ect so I guess it's true a bit.
But to be so angry about something from years ago that isnt new information is very strange

OP posts:
AsMyGranWouldSay · 15/07/2024 22:34

Could it be retroactive jealousy? Can make people say and do horrible things. Is he generally controlling and/or obsessive?

Whatever the reason, you don't have to justify having been intimate with someone else before you met him or accept doing anything that feels uncomfortable.

Restinggoddess · 15/07/2024 22:34

What’s he watching on social media?
There is so much of men talking about body counts and women being soiled goods etc
It doesn’t have to be a person in real life that’s getting into his head

You need to ask him ‘what do you want from this relationship’ - make him express what he wants

Good luck OP - he needs to grow up

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:36

yhk · 15/07/2024 22:33

"So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶"

Personally I don't think it is particularly normal. I have never felt the need to know a partner's past relationship/sexual history. When I've been asked myself, I've always said that I am not sharing any information about it.

Did you share that information off your own back or did he ask?

Yes. I meant I think my history is normal. It isn't an overly large number of people or anything. Just a few boyfriends and a couple of flings type thing. He seemed fine with it st the time and now it's like a massive problem that I've had sex with other people before we even met?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:37

BananaLambo · 15/07/2024 22:33

Mentally he’s reducing your ‘value’ as a partner so he can justify shagging someone he sees as ‘higher value’ and therefore more deserving of his affections.

Well that's awful of that's what he's doing. I feel like a pile of rubbish right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:39

Restinggoddess · 15/07/2024 22:34

What’s he watching on social media?
There is so much of men talking about body counts and women being soiled goods etc
It doesn’t have to be a person in real life that’s getting into his head

You need to ask him ‘what do you want from this relationship’ - make him express what he wants

Good luck OP - he needs to grow up

Yes he has started talking about this over the last year or so and i hate it
Because he knows I've slept with other people.

OP posts:
WesleyNeverDies · 15/07/2024 22:39

Have you tried saying to him what you said here- that you don't understand why he's so unhappy about it now, and that it's the past and you can't change it? Maybe try turning it around to him- like ask him, what does he want from you, what would reassure him? Though if it's just that he wants you to send him more photos, you have every right to be firm on that boundary.

The single mum comment from him is way out of line though.

Terrribletwos · 15/07/2024 22:41

And did he sleep with other people? Is he ok with that?

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:43

WesleyNeverDies · 15/07/2024 22:39

Have you tried saying to him what you said here- that you don't understand why he's so unhappy about it now, and that it's the past and you can't change it? Maybe try turning it around to him- like ask him, what does he want from you, what would reassure him? Though if it's just that he wants you to send him more photos, you have every right to be firm on that boundary.

The single mum comment from him is way out of line though.

Thanks, I can try asking him
I did ask why he was suddenly annoyed and he said it always annoyed him. But I don't see how it could have bothered him that much to then marry me and be with me for years, never bringing it up until now?!

OP posts:
Velvian · 15/07/2024 22:43

I think PP has nailed it with the social media. Probably watching some buffoon on YouTube. Totally unacceptable and unless he wises up quickly, I don't think there's much hope.

Devilsmommy · 15/07/2024 22:43

LaurieFairyCake · 15/07/2024 22:23

Well he's either fucking someone else or turned into a prick

Why put up with it? Just say it's nothing to do with him and if he carries on attempting to shame you for being a normal sexually active woman.

Flowers

First post nailed it 😁

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:45

Terrribletwos · 15/07/2024 22:41

And did he sleep with other people? Is he ok with that?

Of course he did. I don't even know how many. I've never asked as I don't wish to know and it really doesn't matter to me.
I said this to him but he just says men and women aren't the same. He has a right to know what his wife has done, he feels like a second best option because I used to talk about this guy apparently. But I only ever mentioned him when he asked me. I didn't care about this other guy which is why it's so annoying.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 15/07/2024 22:47

Ah men and women aren't the same. He's a misogynistic.

PerfectTravelTote · 15/07/2024 22:47

He's seeing someone else, or he's thinking about it. He's lining things up for it to be your fault.

Savemydrink · 15/07/2024 22:47

If he didn’t want to know, then he shouldn’t have asked.

He is behaving like a child, next time he brings it up, refuse to engage, walk away from him and certainly don’t apologise. You can’t change who you are and nor should you. If he is not happy with you, then he should leave.

He’s right about one thing though OP, if needs be, you will make a great single mum. He is sure not being a great husband though.