Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

There's loads of pseudo science around the red pill and incel movements.

They also like to quote ad nauseum, a university of Utah study (yeah, a university in a state that used to practice polygyny) that states that the more partners a woman has before marriage, the more likely she is to divorce.

What they always always omit to mention though, is that the same study states the same about men.

There was also some batshit, bizarre theory circulating about DNA being changed in women by the semen of men they had sex with.

If he’s been properly red pilled, there isn’t much you can do. I’m sorry - I think it might be too late!

There's lots of speculation about why your DH is awful but really i think you should focus on you and DC and plan how to get away. Don't discuss this with him, doubly because he's already shown he'll hold things you've shared against you. The outcome of him being vile to you and involving the children is the same whatever the reason.

He could also be cheating or have cheated, sadly.

I agree with the poster above that whether it is infidelity, retroactive jealousy & OCD, or radicalisation (or any combination), this is abuse, it's unfeasible and you are - incredibly unfairly - going to have to get your ducks in a row to leave.

This was my first thought too. DS16 tells me what he’s come across online and we talk about it. There’s a whole pile of rubbish about women and it sounds like he’s been reading/watching this - and receives it less critically than my 16 year old.

My response would be immediate and uncompromising, to be honest. Tell him very firmly that it’s not acceptable, it stops now or he loses his marriage and family. There will be no apologies for what you did in other relationships and no reassurances - as it is deeply unappealing to be in a relationship with a pathetic needy five year old.

Is he from a western culture? Wrong but understandable where his views come from if he originates from a patriarchal society. If not, he's a plain misogynist, which would give me the ick.
You should never tell chapter and verse about your past in the name of honesty because, exactly like this, it can be used against you. However, I bet you didn't just volunteer it all up, oh no, I'll bet he's been probing subtly for it all.
That he has all this info on you already and not just asked in the last 6 months, indicates that underneath he's held these views for a long time, just hid it.
Something has happened in the last 6 months for it to surface though, and it could be something as simple as him thinking about past GF's because of less attention, so he thinks you must be doing the same. He might even be messaging someone from his past. Its classic transference.
This is a slippery slope, no amount of reassurance from you will fix it, in fact the more it's talked about, the more it will be on his mind, so you might as well save your breath.
Refuse to discuss the subject further unless it's in counselling- where hopefully a professional can unpick his appalling views.
It may well be time to consider your living situation and finances should you need to split. It could be a necessary step as he's likely to ramp this up over time, making your life entirely miserable. Have an exit plan. Stand firm in your morale as much as you can, you know you have done nothing out of the ordinary, it's not a man's job to dictate a different way that women should live.

His behaviour to you is having the desired effect, he is making you feel less than. I hope you can move through the hurt and get angry. How dare he fucking think he can speak to his wife like this? On what fucking planet is it normal behaviour to treat the mother of his children this way? He needs to fucking do one! You and your children are what is important in this situation. Don’t think of him or try to appease him, do what is right for you and the kids. He can fucking go his own way.

I would also let him know, no matter what happens, that his "mistake" in marrying you and bringing children into the world with you, only to decided later that the (what sounds like minimal and normal) sexual history is unacceptable in his partner, is going to cause considerable suffering to you and them, and that that is entirely his fault.

Is he from a western culture? Wrong but understandable where his views come from if he originates from a patriarchal society.

Even if he is, he's the one who dated, got into a serious relationship with, married and brought kids into the world with a woman who had (what sounds like rather limited) previous sexual experience .......

At no point did anyone hold a gun to his head. He could have chosen another woman. I mean, all women are so painfully desperate for marriage, right).

(Though the "unicorn" virgins are decidedly scarce in the ground for these guys; they usually have to go and buy them from third world countries where they're not "ruined" by western culture i.e. have no money, rights, independence, or choices).

What are your thoughts now OP?

I know it’s easier said than done but you have done nothing wrong, and you should not let him make you feel crap about a very normal past.

If he has gone down the Tate rabbit hole you will likely have to let him go as he’ll always be disgusting and disrespectful to you. Good luck to him trying to find someone with a zero count. The idiot.

But you can’t let him continue to verbally abuse you in this way or let DC hear any of this. So you need to tell him it stops or you have to split up. Start commanding some respect OP.

💐

He said the whole women should wait for marriage but it's different for men.

Both men and women have urges to have sex with people they're attracted to, have feelings for etc. but women should repress theirs; while men shouldn't.

What's his reason for that?

Risk of pregnancy?
Most forms of contraception are nearly 100% reliable if used correctly and you can double and triple them up.

And just because a woman might get stuck with a child without a partner, doesn't mean that a man wouldn't get stuck with at least 18 years of Child Maintenance and, if he's a remotely decent person, some parental responsibility and having to blend families when he has further kids down the line.

STDs? Use condoms.

Because other men won't want you if this man doesn't work out?
Loads of men are in marriages and ltrs with women who had previous partners. The vast majority in fact. Can't see that changing anytime soon.

It's only the outliers like AT aficionados (men who follow a violent, pimping, rapist, who is cringe worthily embarrassing & uncomfortable to watch speaking for even a minute & appears to have mental health and/or personality issues).who try to get women with no sexual history. And they often exploit foreign women to do so, because they can't get women in liberal democracies with rights, opportunities and education to go along with what they want.

And if a man doesn't want a woman because she's not a virgin or has more than a tiny amount of sexual experience - while he is not a virgin and has more than a tiny amount of experience...then he is a hypocrite.

He can try to use every bit of pseudoscience and every theory he wants to justify being a hypocrite but anyone with a brain could counter any of them, and he's still just a hypocrite, with double standards. Do hypocrites with double standards generally make good partners in life??
Rhetorical question.

Why would a woman choose a hypocrite with double standards when she can choose a man who's not?

So I'm still not sure why he thinks women should repress their sexual urges, but men should not.

Both sexes are responsible for their sexual behaviour and any risks etc. from it. Both sexes can consider if, they are extremely promiscuous (which most people aren't) that will affect their pool of long-term partners in future (if they are even honest about it).

What it really boils down to for him is;

"I want you to be a virgin, even though I'm not, because what I want in life is paramount. Women exist to provide me with what suits me and what I want.

And what you want or need; is nothing. You are not a person with rights and freedom equal to me.
You didn't have the right to have sexual contact with your boyfriend whom you fancied & liked when both of you felt the urge to have it, in case - which you couldn't have known at the time - it didn't work out as an LTR.

(And you most certainly didn't have the right to have sexual contact if you thought it wasn't be an LTR or life partner).

You belonged to me, and what I want in a woman should have been paramount, before you even met me (and while I was probably with someone else).

I, however, did have the right to have sexual contact with my exes, regardless of whether it worked out or not.

My previous sexual experience does not have any bearing on my fidelity, but yours does".b

Etc. etc.

Real healthy character & values for a marriage.

Thank you all for your responses.
I feel so much more angry than before.
I hate how he has changed and clearly agreeing with all that rubbish he's been watching.
I knew he had been but didn't think much if it really. I didn't notice how much it had influenced him.
Hate how he thinks it's important enough to cause fights and make me feel like this.

My ex husband was exactly like this. You could be describing him, it’s so similar.

He started off like this - the odd comment or question about stuff before I met him. Drinking made him worse when he would sit shaking his head, anger bubbling beneath the surface.

it escalated to him frequently calling me a slag or whore (in front of people) when he’d been drinking.

Ironic thing is - he had been the one leading a double life for the first year we met, whilst I sat waiting for him.

When I left him he explained he would have irrational thoughts and couldn’t stop thinking bad of me - tough shit, I was done with him.

Oh I'm sorry you had one aswell.
I got called a slut when I told him I didn't regret anything and I'd do it again.
I knew how angry it would make him but I'd just had enough of hearing it

This is brilliant.

If I've ever argued any of his points about women, he'll say that real men care about this stuff and if they don't care they're losers basically...

But real men don't treat their wives this way so...

And yes, he's western.
Never had these opinions until recently..or at least didn't talk about it

Literally, vile.

I look back now and can not understand why I put up with it after the first time. What you condone, sets the tone - as they say.

I was pretty much like you, too far in to go back, we were married and had a house and I felt I couldn’t leave because of what people would think or I was a failure in some way.

I wish I’d have realised it doesn’t matter what other people think or if they judge me. They don’t have to live with him. Unfortunately he was one of those that could appear as the nicest man to anyone outside of our house. Towards the end, he couldn’t even keep that pretence up and would frequently call me a slag in front of friends when drinking.

Id give him a short sharp warning now that you will not engage in any further discussion, he either deals with whatever his issue is or decides he can’t and moves on. I learnt the more placating and pandering you do, escalates the issue and makes the behaviour worse

Youre worth more than this, don’t forget that

My ex started nitpicking at me before he started shagging around. Or maybe he had already started. Just little comments about me in general "you've never had nice skin" "your figure has never been that great" lots of other little niggles that he apparently had about me. Like a pp said, trying to reduce my value or trying to put himself off me to justify fucking around.

Read this carefully....
Is your husband bright, clever?
It reads as if he is actually rather dim.
Therefore his small intellect is easily influenced, even if he isn't cheating.
Either way, he is a dud.
You deserve better, by a long shot.
I am married a long time, as are my friends, we have lovely pasts!! ....none of these have EVER been discussed or an issue in our long happy marriages with great men.
He's a dud.
YOU are NOT the issue here.
Protect yourself.

he'll say that real men care about this stuff and if they don't care they're losers basically

Given that these "losers" are equal to the "real men" in looks, careers, income etc. But don't have hypocrisy and double standards as core values ..... I'm wondering why "real men" would ever be preferable.

A guy I've known since school, always very attractive(we all fancied him) left school after GCSEs to become a fire fighter, has a decent income etc.; is married & has kids with a 7/8 years older (she doesn't really look older actually) woman who I know is a bit notorious for her past.

So your asshole h thinks he's a loser;
He doesn't give a fuck.
His wife doesn't give a fuck.
They're just living their lives, raising their kids.

I can think of numerous men like him. And that's just with women who were a bit notorious. That's not even referring to the 90% or so often women who had at least one sexual partner before marriage/LTR (just like her husband/partner did).

He's only defined as a loser by your batshit h and his little cult.

In their eyes a man who accepts that a woman had equal human rights to have sexual contact with ex partners as him; is a loser.
Funny cause actually a man who can't accept that a woman has equal rights to him seems like a loser.

Next time he starts say 'I'm not discussing the past with you any more. You need to look into therapy for your mental health issues, but it is entirely a YOU problem' and walk away.

If he makes a comment along the lines of 'You'll make a great single mum,' I would agree and say, 'I certainly will. I'm grown up, intelligent and capable. And believe me being raised by a single mum will be better for our children than growing up with a mysoginistic prick would be. Unless you genuinely want a divorce you need to sort yourself out rapidly before you lose the option of choosing'.

And please mean it. He sounds deeply unpleasant.

Real men don't pursue serious relationships with women, marry them and above all, bring children into the world with them .. .all knowing the woman has previous sexual experience; and later abuse her about it, to the point where their marriage and family might break down.

Real men put their kids first.

If he wanted to marry and have kids with a virgin, then he should have done that!!!!!!

You don't decide you want one, after you've married a non virgin and after you've brought kids into the world

How dare he talk about what a real man is ......he is utterly failing as a man.

He's also not a virgin on marriage either, so he is the worse type of fucking hypocrite. He wants women deprived of rights & freedom that he thinks men should have.

If he's an AT follower, he is also someone of weak mind and character. Quite possibly feels inadequate, knows deep down he is. But it's appealing when someone comes along and says you are greater, you have more worth and more power, just for the minimal effort of being born a man. It's no effort on his part at all for being superior to you. Great in online circles and amongst similar thinking men, he's in a new club of togetherness making him feel a part of something.
Back in the real world he's just a weak man, easily influenced, a poor role model for his DC's, and a sexist twunt. He's a crap selfish husband who's taken a path of least effort to feel greater than. Weak willed, weak mind, can't think and reason for himself - none of that makes him great, in fact quite the opposite.

It reads as if he is actually rather dim.

That's pertinent because one of the two men I had problems like this with was, while he talked a big talk about his intelligence & capability, was actually pretty damn dumb.
It took me a while to see it but I realised it hugely in retrospect.

The other guy was not dumb in some ways but was definitely missing something up top in other ways.