Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

So he's a misogynistic pig that's stuck in the 1950s. Now it makes sense.

Thank you.
Ah I just wish I'd never told him anything in the first place. I just wanted to be honest but he is using it against me now.
He makes it seem like he has a right to know but he really doesn't.

Has it started since you fell pregnant or had the baby? That is unfortunately when abusive men start to show their true colours.

He never used to be like this though.
Like I said he's known this information since we first met and it's never been an issue until recently.
Now I should never have slept with anyone

You should be able to tell him though without being reprimanded about it...

This is not a healthy relationship.

Not really, the comments have built up over the last 6 months or so I'd say but really recently it's the intense questions ect.

"Men and women aren't the same" he's shagging someone else and self excusing.

Yes. And the thing that's upsetting me is that he seemed fine and suddenly now isn't. It's too late now. I've been such a good wife I feel liken and I'm being punished for things that happened before I even knew him.

Really though? When and where?! I don't see how! Maybe I'm naiive
And we have sex all the time..

Just found out my husband has been secretly messaging someone which ties in exactly to him being an a-hole to me. Accusing me of stuff from my past, bringing up past male friends etc. I don't think he's actually cheated but I was totally shocked and now it feels like he's just been deflecting blame and being able to make excuses for himself.

Sorry OP but you haven't done anything wrong and unless he is having some sort of emotional breakdown then maybe check his messages. X

The only time I ever felt the need to discuss previous boyfriends / sexual encounters was when I was with a controlling arsehole who made it a thing so he could hold it over me.

When I read the op my first thought was that he is cheating and trying to deflect on to you.

What would happen if you just refused to engage in this batshittery at all and told him to get a grip? No explanations, arguing your position, justifying yourself.

The chances are excellent that he's sleeping with other women, but it's an absolute fact that he's a disgusting misogynist. You need the get the fuck rid of him. There's no coming back from this abuse.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a knob.
I don't even know how I'd check. I don't know his pass code. Never needed it to be honest.
Oh God.

Yes, sorry you are going through this and it's hard to know why he is doing this but it does sound like he is seeing someone and pushing his guilt on to you. The fact that he is doing this now and never has before makes me even more certain.

Even if he is not seeing someone else it's a shit way to treat you

I never thought he would be cheating. That didn't occur to me.
Why go to all this effort of arguments and anger and upset just to blame me for him cheating?? Is this a thing? It's absurd?!

Sorry OP but he sounds absolutely horrible. It's schoolboy stuff and he has no right to gaslight you like this, and make you feel in any way ashamed. I'm a bloke but if my wife ever came out with this kind of crap I'd be questioning everything. Life's too short to be spending it with insecure bellends.

It's textbook, op. He's projecting his guilt onto you. It is very, very common.

Also, really feel for you on the emotionally draining conversations. I've had the same where stuff you've been open about in the beginning because it's normal has been thrown back and you and interrogated like some sort of spy uncovering exercise. It makes you feel horrible, like you've done something wrong (you haven't) and you want it to stop but don't know how and just wish you'd never said anything in the first place. Sending lots of strength! X

Yep, that's what they do. As mad as it seems, they turn it around on to you to make them feel less guilty...or something. It's a thing.

That's good advice. I'm certainly not going to respond to it anymore.
I wish I hadn't in the first place but he always makes me feel like I need to explain myself. Like I'm in the wrong.
He had me in tears in front of the kids the other day from his constant berating of me. I don't actually know why I let him. He always makes me feel I'm wrong

Well, he was always insecure and possessive: We saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating ... I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all).

Even if his pathetic jealousy's been festering for eight years, though, there's still the question of: why now?

The two most likely answers have been mentioned above:
[1] Gearing up to justify an affair by devaluing you;
[2] Been entrained by a misogynist cult like Andrew Tate or worse.

Neither is good! What are your chances of having this out with him, rationally and ibn adult mode? Would he agree to a couple of sessions with a therapist to facilitate the discussion?

Oh my God. This never occurred to me.
I feel like an idiot
I don't know how to even find out

Yes, it absolutely is a thing. I'm sure someone else will be able to explain it more elegantly, but it is projection, where the cheating partner nitpicks and fault finds in order to able to justify in their own mind their shitty behaviour.

He had me in tears in front of the kids the other day from his constant berating of me.

Oh, heck 😢 Discount my adult discussion comment above! You're in an abusive relationship, OP, I'm sorry. There's only one way out of it. Ducks in row, Women's Aid and some very deep breaths.

How long have you been married? If it's recently then it would fit the pattern of abuse. Once they have you caught they start whittling down your self esteem and the abuse starts. Also common after a baby or a house purchase/financial ties. I know you said baby is 18 months but you also said he's been saying stuff like this for a year ish?? Or perhaps did you return to work after your first but not after your second? So now he has power over you financially it's harder to leave so he doesn't have to hide who he is.

Or maybe you put weight on and haven't lost it with the last pregnancy. Perhaps he respected you while you were in his mind sexy as women's value is tied to how sexy he find them now he's not got that respect and it's seeping out?

My other thought was he's cheated so trying to stoke you to guilt so when he's found out you forgive him.

Essentially he's acting like you are damaged goods. That you are not pure for him and your value to him is lessened by having a normal past. He doesn't see you as equal because his past isn't a source of shame for him. He pressures you for pics he knows you don't want to do that's not on all all and someone who respects you wouldn't do it. The fact he's asking kinda seems like he's had pics in relationships before so why is he not ashamed of this? Because he thinks it's ok for men not for women. You are a woman and worth less. You have provided him children as he sees your duty now he doesn't need to pretend to respect you to get you to procreate.

I noticed you said you felt pressured to sent the picture to the ex and you have succumbed to the pressure from your husband for the same. If men always treat you bad it becomes normalised to you and if he is a man with abusive tendencies he would have been looking out for a woman with the traits you have.

I think you need to have a frank conversation with him about how he's making you feel. Perhaps try couples councilling. But I predict it will be you putting in the work while he only changes short term to keep you from leaving and eventually this relationship will either sap your spark and leave you a downtrodden woman or you will eventually leave.

No matter the reason you have nothing to be ashamed of and you deserve to be treated better than this.