Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

Such men need to realise that if they hold archaic, misogynistic attitudes like this towards women, it's a big turn-off for a great many women, and they are likely to find it hard to find a relationship and get married (hence the incel movement, which thinks men are entitled to demand sex from women because such men have rendered themselves deeply unattractive to most women), or to stay married once the woman realises what he is like.

No women with self esteem wants to be married to a misogynist git. It's bad for them, and bad for any children they may have, and many women as they grow up will prioritise the needs of their children over the wishes and demands of their selfish husbands. Most women find it very hard to have any respect whatsoever for men like this. And with us able to earn our own money and everything these days, we do have the ability to pick and choose. You might want to bear that in mind.

Maybe read my posts before responding then

@Username59493
You again!
No one actually gives a flying fuck about you and your girlfriend being virgins before you slept together OR your opinions on other women who actually have sex, or your imaginary friends opinions either.

No woman aside from your girlfriend who might not even exist would ever, EVER want a 'man' like you who holds your opinions anyway so you deciding to reject women who would never in a million years be interested in you is just funny.

You must sit around all day on Mumsnet waiting for these type of threads just to share your incel opinions. So unbelievably sad and pathetic.

Oh yeah I'd say that you're spoiled for choice 😂

Women have the ability to pick and choose who they want to date also, do you think women just sit around waiting for a man who will accept them?
You'd be bottom of most womens lists to be fair.

No one wants incels who post on MN.

Bullshit!

Aww and is your girlfriend in the room with you right now? 😂😂

Op, don't waste your time.

He's a not very bright kid who keeps popping up on threads.

I wasted my time trying to reason with him in a other thread where he expressed views like "women shouldn't "chase" a degree, women shouldn't "chase" a career". It was like having a barking contest with a dog.

Just ignore him.

He's like 23 with his first gf after being an incel and, subscribes to red pill theories. His girlfriend is a cook so that's acceptable to him. A woman is allowed to be a cook, you see.

He also can't even spell his own language or use basic grammar.

But feels he's entitled to lecture women, and mothers, often old enough to be his mother; on what they should be in life and how they should act. We are supposed to be grateful for his wisdom. An early 20s childless guy in his first relationship, who can't spell his own language.

Like most incel and red pill subscribers ...there's not much going on upstairs.

OP - now the incel has been deleted, please remember you are allowed to shag whoever you want, whenever you want.

End of conversation.

The “single mum” threat isn’t as scary as they think it is. He’s asking you all of this for a reason. My gut feeling is that he wants to leave, and he’s gaslighting you so he won’t feel guilty when he does as he can use everything you’ve said as an excuse! If that’s the case, he’s a coward.

You’ll be a great single mum without that in your life!

This is very bizarre behaviour. It’s highly insecure and immature. It’s also emotionally abusive and misogynistic. Is this really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

I would start to build a financial fund (if you don’t already have one) to allow you to leave.

Whether or not he’s cheating he is a misogynist who is “berating you in front of your children” to the point of tears and “always makes you feel like you’re wrong”. This is not okay. It wouldn’t be okay if it was just the two of you, and it’s not okay for your kids. Is this really the example of a
relationship you want to show your children? He is treating you horribly. Your comment about always having been a good wife bothered me. He is not a good husband.

Because he can’t be wrong. Cheating is perceived as wrong so he can make it your fault. You really need to Google Narcissism.

If he is berating you in front of your children and making you cry then, you need to do something. This is teaching your children about marriage and they will take what they see into their own relationships.

Lovebomb, isolate, make dependent, devalue, discard . It’s a thing

I think my reply will probably get lost in all this, but didn’t want to read and run. My stbxh was like this, wanted to know about my past even though I knew very little about his, I didn't care about his but I am very honest and he wanted to know so I told him, same as you I had a past but nothing extreme and I never told him in any sort of “bragging over my conquests” way. He brought it up every couple of years for the majority of our 17 year relationship and would be extremely aggressive and angry, or distraught over what a slut I'd been (I wasn’t) and ashamed of me. I’ve practically run out of a supermarket because I saw someone I used to go out with before we met, and we met when I was 18 fgs!

Honestly, this was just a tiny facet of all the issues in our toxic relationship and I didn’t allow myself to step back and see the wood for the trees for a long time. As someone else commented really far back, is he just a prick?

He’s a misogynist prick. Are you sure you want to stay with this jerk? He’s being abusive to you.

I think Madonna Whore Dichotomy [[https://psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001 psycnet.apa.org/record/2018-04940-001]]]] may be at play here

You have a narc husband. It’s exactly what I went through and having researched it and sought advice, he ticks every box. It is a spectrum, some worse than others but now he is dropping the mask, it will go from bad to worse. You don’t want your child growing up in the toxic environment that is coming. Google narcissist and marriage, narcissistic traits.
we all have some, sometimes , it’s healthy to have some but they have the traits on steroids.

The baby arriving was probably a trigger for him to drop the facade. He would have anyway.
You are stuck now, can’t escape so he can do as he wants.

I am sorry you are in this position but you have time to sort your life. I didn’t know and although confused , I waited over a decade to get out. Some never do.
Beware the trauma bond.
It’s like Stockholm syndrome where he has you hooked and you keep forgiving. Don’t believe the apologies or the ‘I’ll be better this time’ It’s all lies. He doesn’t love you. Never has, never will. Can’t. Is not capable. Part of the brain is not developed to do with empathy .
You will think it’s a blip, every marriage has them, right? When he treats you like a Queen.
That’s temporary to keep you hooked. He is not the kind person you married. He is a monster in a mask. And now the mask is coming off.
Think Jekyll and Hyde. But Jekyll is a con, he doesn’t exist, he is the pretend lure. The real him is Hyde.
Don’t let him isolate you from family and friends. That gives him even more power. Build an escape fund , don’t depend on him for everything. It’s all a way to keep you trapped. So he can abuse you. You belong to him..it’s not love, it is ownership.

Ignore. It turned up in my feed