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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband being nasty about my past

370 replies

Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 21:57

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

OP posts:
Terrribletwos · 15/07/2024 23:08

I wouldn't bother with the above and couples counselling. You need to leave him.

MillyNair · 15/07/2024 23:09

I have not rtft but I agree with those who say that he seems guilty about something and is projecting on you. Either that or he has early onset Dementia.

justasking111 · 15/07/2024 23:10

My husband is still sarky about a past boyfriend after 48 years of marriage. He brought him up again recently in company. Really annoys me. The guy died years ago as well.

He's still jealous I think.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2024 23:12

The next time he says something, which will be soon, tell him to never, ever speak that way to you again. Completely shut him down. Don't ever tolerate this shit again.

Once that is said, you need to leave him. As soon as humanly possible.

Crocadoodledoo · 15/07/2024 23:12

Leave him. Stop shagging him (get an STI check instead).

He’s an abuser and probably a cheat too.

NigellaAwesome · 15/07/2024 23:14

To add, if my DH asked me for pics I would honestly wonder if he had taken leave of his senses. To the point where I would feel compelled to send pictures of me cleaning the cat's litter tray.

MsNorburry · 15/07/2024 23:14

Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 22:34

I suppose there's always a chance but I hadn't thought that.
I don't see when he would be, I haven't noticed anything strange.
He said later on in the day he needs reassurance. But why suddenly. It's so weird.
He said a while ago he felt I had given him less attention recently. Been busy with kids ect so I guess it's true a bit.
But to be so angry about something from years ago that isnt new information is very strange

Show quote history

Don't threaten to leave, do leave.

No way would I tolerate this.

LifeExperience · 15/07/2024 23:15

Belittling and denigrating their partner is very common when men are having an affair, or want to.

ThisWormHasTurned · 15/07/2024 23:21

I had similar when (now X thank God)H wanted to end things. He says there was no overlap but he was dating someone new within 4 weeks of us splitting, I think he had her lined up. He started picking fights. I think he wanted me to end it so that he could move on (always swore he wouldn’t cheat because cheating destroyed his family growing up). Treated me so dreadfully I had no choice but to end it.

Bottom line is you do not and should not tolerate this. You should never have to defend your past. If he keeps bringing it up, it’s a reflection on him! He’s showing you who he really is. Life is so much better for me now my H is an X.

Blibbleflibble · 15/07/2024 23:22

Hey OP,

I don't know if he's been cheating but that could be one explaination, the other could be he's become "red-pilled" and has started going down the rabbit hole of listening to the likes of Andrew Tate and other MGTOW podcasts. The "men and women are not the same" statement suggests he's been listening to some misogynistic grifters and it's starting to lay little eggs of hate in his brain.

Whatever the fuck this is I would heavily put your foot down and say this shit has to stop, and say you need some professional couples counselling because this would be fucking divorce territory for me. Quite frankly if you didn't have kids I'd say LTB immediately but I realise it may not be that easy.

I would seriously consider leaving though, this is abuse and it either ends and he gets help with his issues or you leave. Do you have family and the ability to safely leave him if it came to that OP? Xx

Hennypen321 · 15/07/2024 23:24

My ex would make comments like this, and get mad if I said anything back, I quickly (scarily) learnt to be quiet and not react but I knew I had to plan my escape.

Hope you are ok

LauraKnows · 15/07/2024 23:25

LifeExperience · 15/07/2024 23:15

Belittling and denigrating their partner is very common when men are having an affair, or want to.

Or he has done something already, the guilt kicks in and the justification for doing so comes out with accusations of past behaviour of his wife that he believes deserved retribution.

Just ask him op, just say have you been unfaithful because you're acting as though your're trying to justify your guilt.

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 23:27

Blibbleflibble · 15/07/2024 23:22

Hey OP,

I don't know if he's been cheating but that could be one explaination, the other could be he's become "red-pilled" and has started going down the rabbit hole of listening to the likes of Andrew Tate and other MGTOW podcasts. The "men and women are not the same" statement suggests he's been listening to some misogynistic grifters and it's starting to lay little eggs of hate in his brain.

Whatever the fuck this is I would heavily put your foot down and say this shit has to stop, and say you need some professional couples counselling because this would be fucking divorce territory for me. Quite frankly if you didn't have kids I'd say LTB immediately but I realise it may not be that easy.

I would seriously consider leaving though, this is abuse and it either ends and he gets help with his issues or you leave. Do you have family and the ability to safely leave him if it came to that OP? Xx

Thank you.
I do have family but they're a few hours away. I could go there if needed though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 23:29

LauraKnows · 15/07/2024 23:25

Or he has done something already, the guilt kicks in and the justification for doing so comes out with accusations of past behaviour of his wife that he believes deserved retribution.

Just ask him op, just say have you been unfaithful because you're acting as though your're trying to justify your guilt.

Show quote history

I'll ask him. He'll say no though regardless. Wish I could get his phone. I feel so insecure and paranoid now.
Although, you're all right. He isn't treating me well anyway. But I would love to know the reason for sure. He's making me feel so worthless and used up.
I feel horrible

OP posts:
Anele22 · 15/07/2024 23:34

yhk · 15/07/2024 22:33

"So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶"

Personally I don't think it is particularly normal. I have never felt the need to know a partner's past relationship/sexual history. When I've been asked myself, I've always said that I am not sharing any information about it.

Did you share that information off your own back or did he ask?

What an unhelpful comment. It’s irrelevant whether you’ve ‘never felt the need…’. That’s not at all what this thread is about.

DingleDongBellEnd · 15/07/2024 23:35

Does he just feel insecure about life generally at the moment and he's projecting it onto your relationship? Maybe telling him you love him and the past is irrelevant would help. Maybe you've tried that. I'm so sorry I can't suggest anything practical to make him shut up, it almost sounds like some kind of dementia. My MIL dwells heavily on the past in the same way, stirring up old grievances. I don't know why, its morose.

Catoo · 15/07/2024 23:42

PP have this right.
Likely he’s been listening to Tate bullshit and / or is wanting to cheat.

But the reason doesn’t matter OP. You need it to stop. So you need to tell him when he next starts up ‘This is the last time you talk to me like this or we are done’ and mean it. If he doesn’t stop then you have your answer.

Or ‘did you know people start pulling apart their partner when they are thinking of excuses to cheat? Is that what’s going on here? Because if so, let’s work out how to split up amicably.’

Be prepared for him to want the split OP. Men can carry on being absolute cunts for months like this when they want you to call it off so they can justify leaving the family for an OW.

You are going to have to be brave because it most likely won’t go the way you want and life will be unsettled for a while. But you will be ok. Imagine a calm house with noone making you cry and going on about your ex all the time.

If there’s any chance he might be violent, don’t confront him, just arrange to leave.

💐

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 23:42

DingleDongBellEnd · 15/07/2024 23:35

Does he just feel insecure about life generally at the moment and he's projecting it onto your relationship? Maybe telling him you love him and the past is irrelevant would help. Maybe you've tried that. I'm so sorry I can't suggest anything practical to make him shut up, it almost sounds like some kind of dementia. My MIL dwells heavily on the past in the same way, stirring up old grievances. I don't know why, its morose.

He said he needs reassurance from me because he feels I changed after the kids, as in gave him less attention. But I mean, I was busy and sleep deprived ect.
We spoke about this a little while ago though and I've been trying to pay him more attention ect.
But weird to be insecure about something from all those years ago. Nothing to be insecure about now. Not like I'm acting suspiciously or anything.

OP posts:
DadJoke · 15/07/2024 23:43

I’d be concerned about his browsing history. He might have been looking at MRA social media.

You had normal relationships before you met him. He needs to understand that this jealously is his problem, not your previous behaviour. He’s obviously very insecure and this can lead to controlling behaviour. If you still think it’s worthwhile then you can get couples therapy.

The other possibility is that he is having an affair and is being horrid so you end it.

Noseybookworm · 15/07/2024 23:46

If this new jealous behaviour has come out of the blue and he hasn't always been like this then there must be something causing it. I do wonder if he's having an affair and being so unpleasant that you'll be the one to end the marriage? Could you call his bluff and say that if he finds your past so difficult to deal with maybe he should leave? Or just tell him you're not going to go over things from years ago any more, you can't change the past, you haven't done anything wrong and you're not going to discuss any of it any more. Then literally refuse to engage with it any more.

DoIWantTo · 15/07/2024 23:48

Quite honestly it doesn’t matter if he’s cheating, his behaviour is incredibly abusive and your children are witnessing it. You need to leave for their sakes if not yours or they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal and ok to treat you like shit, and it’s normal and ok for their future partners to berate them, shout at them, belittle them. And if it’s ok for their partners to do that to them then it’s ok for their partners to hit them too, because after all there’s not much difference between one form of abuse and the other. One causes physical damage, one causes mental.

Takenoprisoner · 15/07/2024 23:50

He's making me feel so worthless and used up.
I feel horrible

This is exactly what his objective is. To make you feel like that. It's no accident.

It's sometimes not helpful to speculate whether men who are behaving like this are cheating or not. What might be more helpful is to accept he has become now abusive for whatever reason, will most likely not change, and then decide what you'll need to do to protect yourself. For me the relationship would be over, you will never get past this behaviour, you will Always know he's capable of abuse.

Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 23:52

DoIWantTo · 15/07/2024 23:48

Quite honestly it doesn’t matter if he’s cheating, his behaviour is incredibly abusive and your children are witnessing it. You need to leave for their sakes if not yours or they’ll grow up thinking it’s normal and ok to treat you like shit, and it’s normal and ok for their future partners to berate them, shout at them, belittle them. And if it’s ok for their partners to do that to them then it’s ok for their partners to hit them too, because after all there’s not much difference between one form of abuse and the other. One causes physical damage, one causes mental.

Youre absolutely right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cockaleedoddleydoo · 15/07/2024 23:54

Takenoprisoner · 15/07/2024 23:50

He's making me feel so worthless and used up.
I feel horrible

This is exactly what his objective is. To make you feel like that. It's no accident.

It's sometimes not helpful to speculate whether men who are behaving like this are cheating or not. What might be more helpful is to accept he has become now abusive for whatever reason, will most likely not change, and then decide what you'll need to do to protect yourself. For me the relationship would be over, you will never get past this behaviour, you will Always know he's capable of abuse.

I didn't really think of it being abusive at the time. I knew he was being horrible, but he made me feel like I caused it by saying things in the past ect.
I need to hear this so thank you.

OP posts:
DoIWantTo · 15/07/2024 23:54

@Cockaleedoddleydoo I didn’t meant that unkindly, it’s a hellish place to be. The hardest part was leaving though, and I hope you find the strength Flowers