Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

I strongly disagree that you should never have told him anything about any previous relationships or experiences, and vice versa.

As if that was to blame for his behaviour.

No.

I think many couples refer to previous relationships and experiences entirely naturally in the course of getting to know each other, and of knowing each other intimately (by which I mean emotionally etc but just sexually)on an ongoing basis. I know I have with pretty much every partner I've had. And vice versa.

Only two of those partners had any issue with it and they were both chauvinist, misogynist, double standarded, poorly adjusted, dysfunctional men who could not maintain relationships during the time I knew them.

In contrast, my h is and has always been equal minded, fair, well adjusted etc. enough to acknowledge that I - like him, and like the vast vast majority of people in Western liberal democracies, had relationships and sexual experiences in the past, had the right to them, and that was that. End of story.

They were not used by either side to judge our worth or fidelity etc.

Well adjusted, reasonable men who see women as people do not behave like this.

And it doesn't even sound like you volunteered a lot of this information. It sounds like it was asked/queried.

So even less reason for a few posters on here (one of whom is a bloke who regularly posts stuff I shake my head to read) to suggest you telling your h about past relationships/sexual experiences is a fa tur in this and that you shouldn't have.

It sounds like you were asked that info. And I can well imagine the reaction of a man like this if you refused to answer. Then it would be "it must be bad if you can't tell the truth!" Etc.
Just a different form of torture.

This is not reasonable behaviour
This has actually abusive behaviour.

*factor

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I give another vote for 'watching a buffoon on YouTube' as the likely cause. Has this been accompanied by other sexist comments/a general hardening of his attitude towards women/becoming more conservative in outlook? It's frighteningly easy for men to become radicalised online about things like this

Edit - sorry, I didn't see you already confirmed he has been watching this stuff. In that case he either needs to recognise he is being radicalised and fully apologise for it, or you will need to consider your options I think

Yes, 100%. I know he's been watching this stuff for a while now because he talks about it alot. And yes, constantly saying women are different. Women in the west are basically worthless because we "sleep around" (not that I ever slept around.. I just had some boyfriends🙄)

Actually, I remember he once made a comment about a girl walking past with a "slutty walk". I went mental at him because she was just innocently walking and what the hell did that even mean and what a horrible thing to say.
He got very cross and defensive and seemed to know he'd done wrong.

But yes, it's been a gradual build of I guess.
And now it's being aimed at me.
I want a partnership. To be treated with kindness and respect, not reduced to my sexual activity like I have nothing more to offer.
I hate who he's turning into.

But honestly, he was having me worrying I'd done wrong and had been overly promiscuous in the past (even though i was never ashamed of anything before).
You've all made me realise it's him, not me. So thank you

Op, it's fair to say that the vast majority of people - women and men ; in the UK (and a large portion of the world) have had sexual partners and experiences before their spouse/long term partner.

With the exception of a small number women in abusive relationships, like yours has become, those women are not being questioned, criticised, put down, devalued and mistreated on a regular basis over their previous relationship & sexual history. They are able to live their lives without this ongoing abuse over it.

Your h is the exception to the rule and now falls under a group of abusers and had ceased to be mentally fit for a relationship/marriage.

If his behaviour is truly due to becoming brainwashed by red pill, incel, mgtow etc. theories online, then he's become like a type of conspiracy theorist; and plenty of people have had to end significant relationships with conspiracy theorists. Very sad but ..
The fact that he has become brain washed by it, says a lot about him too. A sensible, well adjusted, equal minded, fair and reasonable man would not have gotten into it .... Hence loads of men don't subscribe to those theories and approaches to life.
You have to wonder about his underlying values and critical thinking.
I wound also wonder about a level of mental illness.

To get back to my main point, the vast vast majority of women are not having to live like this ....and you shouldn't have to either.

Sorry I've accidentally added a gif and can't seem to delete it.

@Cockaleedoddleydoo I read something on sm the other due and was gob smacked . I reported it but apparently it’s fine.

Even if this is what is happening to your “h” op do you what to be with someone so easily brainwashed and can turn on his wife like this .

Oh and btw, women and men are different.

But not in a way that makes either disinclined to have sexual experiences with people they fancy, have feelings for, get close to etc.

(Whether those relationship or interactions pan out into long term relationships is something else).

That is 100% natural for both sexes.

And within each sex, there is also a huge range of inclinations and behaviour. Neither women nor men are dolls/clones.

Only simple minded people, who need extremes (usually extremes which they think benefit them) think like he does.

Haha, the random gif made me chuckle.
Thanks so much for your message. I really need to hear this.
I don't know think there is any point talking about to him about any of this.
Can't see him realising and apologising.
Don't feel like even being around him now. He clearly has no respect for me at all and it's just crap

No I don't.
He's treating me like I'm so much less than him and that is really impossible to get passed isn't it.
Even if he has been watching stuff, like pp has said, a decent man would watch it, know it's nonsense and have some bloody respect for his wife. The one person who is meant to make me feel special and build me up and he's made me feel like I'm nothing

I have tried saying this to him.
He said the whole women should wait for marriage but it's different for men.

I said women literally have sexual needs aswell. He's like no not the same or they should just ignore it basically....what an idiot.

He was more than happy to sleep with me after a couple of dates though then go on to marry me....

Oh, OP, I'm so sorry. I'm glad you and other posters have got to the root of the issue. Your DH is highly abusive and it sounds like he's been radicalised online. I was wondering if there's anyone in your or his family who could confront him over his behaviour, but I suspect that might just make him worse.

Unfortunately the chances of him seeking therapy or being deradicalised are slim. Honestly, I can't see any way out of this except divorce, but he's going to be an absolute c*nt about that so I do think you need to get support from family as he may well refuse to leave the family home. Really sorry you're in this situation and I hope you can get out soon.

I’ve just found the post I reported I was gob Smacked .

Do you have Dd op as if you do it’s worrying if he’s reading this stuff .

I am going to post it just now . I actulay feel this is what he is reading from all the Pp

Yeah and it would have to be the biggest, jazziest, most irrelevant gif too, wouldn't it.

I don't know why we can't delete these when editing a post.

You shouldn't be in this position op, I'm really sorry this is happening to you.

I would respond to every word he says on this subject with "Red pill, incel, Andrew Tate shit!" Wreck your marriage and family over this if you want. If you're too stupid & simple minded to work out their theories are bullshit, why would I respect you or want to be with you?".

I would go apeshit, absolute zero tolerance. I woud tell him he's going to end up divorced.

The problem is he'll probably reign it in, only to fall back into it after he thinks he safer.
This is like a cult. Sadly you have to consider that his underlying personality and values made him prone to becoming a cult member, where another man wouldn't have.

This is the post .

Until you said that is what he thinks, I was wondering if he was developing a mental health problem.

Now it seems more like he’s been developing his inner Andrew Tate / misogynist. That makes the possibility that he is also deflecting because he is cheating more likely.

It must be bewildering but if you don’t find a way of stopping it, it will get worse and will absolutely destroy your confidence

Sounds like he's developed retroactive jealously OCD to me. My ex and I knew each other for years before getting together to he knew about some of my sexual experiences. No issues. Then about 2 years into our relationship he became obsessed with it, in particular one pretty meaningless fling (which was weird because I'd had two other substantial relationships, yet he focussed in on something relatively minor!)

Anyway, it evolved into me walking on eggshells all the time. I could say pretty much anything and it would trigger it.

In the beginning I was angry with him over it but eventually saw that he was genuinely struggling with these intrusive thoughts, and that wasn't his fault either. Eventually we ended the relationship because it was just causing us both too much pain.

My advice would be to flag this with him, let him know that it's a genuine disorder and let him know this is his issue to resolve. Probably with the help of therapy. Try to be somewhat sympathetic to what he's dealing with, it can't be easy to deal with thoughts like that, but don't take responsibility for it ever. Do not feed it. Don't answer any more questions!

He's making me feel so worthless and used up. I feel horrible

OP - take a step back and imagine a friend said this to you about how their partner was making them feel. What would your advice to them be?

Your partner should never make you feel this way.

His behaviour towards you is psychological abuse. I would compare it to a corrupt cop trying to bully a false confession from an innocent person. Interrogating you over and over again until you are emotionally drained, physically exhausted and no longer have the strength to argue your corner.

He is trying to chip away at your resolve and force you to ‘confess’ that your behaviour in the past was wrong.

I would think long and hard about whether you think this marriage is worth fighting for. Because salvaging your relationship will be fight. If you can get him to agree to start couples therapy then there may be hope but he may not possess the self awareness to see that his behaviour is a problem.

Try to ‘arm’ yourself so you a ready to handle his next tirade without it zapping all of your energy. You could say something like…

‘You seem to want me to be ashamed of my past but I’m not and I never will be, no matter how many time we go over it. I have done nothing to be ashamed of. I am no longer interested in discussing this with you as it is clear that all you are trying to do is hurt and punish me for transgressions you have created in your own head. The only shameful behaviour in this relationship is yours, the way you have been treating me these last few months is cruel. I’m not going to tolerate it any longer. You need to stop.’

If I were you, I would leave him. But I know it’s easy to say that from the outside, when I have no emotional investment. He is a different person to the man you married. Do you want to stay with this new man?

Why has he changed? Sadly, it could be infidelity. He is trying to mitigate his own feelings of guilt by deflecting on to you. If your relationship history is somehow flawed, then you are less worthy of his complete fidelity.

In short, If you are less of a saint, he is less of a sinner!

But, even if his isn’t cheating, there is no reason possible that justifies his behaviour and attitude towards you. Just remember, they are his insecurities not yours. He is battling his own demons and no matter the cause you do not have to endure this treatment.

In my experience, when they start behaving like this, it’s usually because they’ve been cheating. He is projecting.

Of course you've given him less attention you have 2 kids parenting is exhausting does he parent or is he a third kid?

I have my own theory as to why these morons can't satisfy a woman, FFS.

Yes me too !!

Do they actulay believe this s**t ?

He's like no not the same or they should just ignore it basically.

This this of bloke make me laugh because they believe so strongly that they know his women feel about sex, without ever having been a woman.

But it's not even that, is it.
It's that they believe men should have a right to their sexuality, but women should not.

Womens sexuality, if and when and how they exercise it, should be dictated by men.

They also harp on endlessly about how women won't get any decent man interested in her for marriage or a LTR if they have sexual relationships or experiences before; which is a FANTASY that they've made up and cling to.

Because there is no difference between the successful marriages and ltrs among women I know who had sexual experiences before their spouse/partner, and those who had none or almost none. They all ended up with spouses/partners and kids.

Some men don't find out about their partner's sexual history, some men don't care, most men in liberal democracies accept that people - including when - are equals and had equal rights to have sexual experiences in their past (whether they were just experiences from the start, or whether, as is often the case, they were relationships that didn't work out).

The also hold marriage over women's heads as a prize, reward and punishment (if when don't obey their rules) in the most hilariously naive way.

Because loads of couples don't marry. And most women work at least part-time (full-time outside of young kids years), can support themselves, can claim benefits if they need to, and don't need marriage in the way they think they do.
They think that by holding marriage and serious relationships over women's heads like "you don't get this if you don't obey my rules" .... They'll have power, but somehow haven't noticed that that power doesn't really exist any more. Women earn their own money, often have assets, there is no lack of respectability or "normality" to not be married (even when you live with someone and/or have a family with someone), marriages break down all the time, and women - who could always have kids on their own if they wanted to by taking advantage of the fact that so many men will have unprotected sex at the drop of a hat - can now also just use a donor if they choose.

They think like they live in 1950s America, or an Islamic State.

And it is obvious why they want to return to 1950s America (or establish the equivalent of an Islamic state); I'm familiar with these red pillers on a forum I used to frequent and they will quite happily assert that women should be deprived of the vote, should not be on juries, should not be allowed to work outside the home etc. etc. The sexual stuff is just the tip of the iceberg.

@Imbusytodaysorry it must be easier for them to concoct this shit than actually admit they're terrible in bed.

He was more than happy to sleep with me after a couple of dates though then go on to marry me..

It also sounds like he knew of any relationship and sexual history you had before he married you.

This is therefore insane (and abusive behaviour).

If he wanted a virgin, he should have waited for one (good luck to him there).

And tbh the only person I think being reasonable and not a hypocrite wanting a virgin, is another virgin.