Husband being nasty about my past

[Cockaleedoddleydoo]

My husband has been really strange recently.
Keeps asking me questions about my past, bringing things up that I said years ago and generally being horrible about it.

So, from the very beginning, I've always been honest with him about everything. He knew from very early on about all my previous relationships, sexual history ect, which I think is all very normal. He was fine with it then. Went on to marry me so must have been!⁶

For some reason he is now deciding he isn't okay with a lot of things, is very insecure and angry and is blaming me for my past.

I won't mention everything because it will be too long. But for example,
The other night he kept asking me questions about this one guy that I was seeing before him (it wasn't even serious).
Apparently I'd said that he was handsome when we saw him on a night out 8 years ago when we were first dating. I vaguely remember this. Not a great comment from me but I had had a few drinks and this guy had said hi to me and my husband had mentioned how unattractive he was (he isn't at all). He knew I had been with him, I got a bit defensive and said he isn't. I get why that is annoying but it was also 8 bloody years ago. Who cares now?!

He kept saying how I would still be with him if he hadn't had a girlfriend( he didn't tell me this and I ended it when I found out).

There was a bit of back and forth and I went to bed after getting fed up.

He stormed in, risked waking me and the baby up, saying "is he the one you sent that photo to?" (I told him years ago I'd sent one photo my entire life of myself in my underwear). I said yes.

He stormed out and the next day was fuming. Wouldn't speak to me at first, then began saying how he must have been so special, I should have kept my clothes on, I should be ashamed ect.

He is annoyed because he has asked me to send photos in the past but I've always said I don't like to, it makes me uncomfortable and I just don't want to. I have done it a few times but never was something I was into or wanted. I did it for him. But it's not good enough apparently because I only did it after years of him asking...

He asked why I did it for this other guy (only one picture and nothing rude), I told him I didn't want to either, I felt pressured and was too young and silly to say no.

I feel I have the right to say no now even if I did in the past? And it was only once anyway.

I don't feel I should be pressured into sending photos when I'm not comfortable. He is my husband and should respect that surely.

I feel like he has no respect for me. He shames me and makes me feel guilty about having a past, which I feel is just normal relationship stuff as anyone would have experienced.

It's like he's so disappointed in me for being with other people. I shouldn't have told him about them but it was years ago and he asked me!! I wanted to be honest and now it's being held against me.

I don't know why or where this has all come from? Why is he worried about this random guy. Saying things like, why don't you marry him instead, why would you do that for him and not me?

There's been many other similar outbursts. It's so exhausting and it feels really unfair. He makes me feel like I'm not good enough because of my history and I can't change it. He's so angry and jealous. I've been completely faithful and loyal to him since we met. I don't know what his problem is lately. It's come out of nowhere

Sorry, I really just need to rant.

Thank you so much.
No, I didn't take it as unkind at all. They are the most important thing anyway so of course I don't want them affected by any of this.
I didn't like that they saw him make me cry.
I should have just walked away. I was so angry and hurt and felt like I needed to defend and explain myself but it just made it all worse.

You have sex all the time @Cockaleedoddleydoo why? I'd have shut up shop in that department.

@Cockaleedoddleydoo, you give an abundance to your H and children and deserve his utmost love and respect, yet this abusive pig is mistreating you with contempt and disregard.

There will be a reason he is targeting you with cruelty, and it will be triggered by his transgressions — and not because of anything you’ve done or haven’t done.

Please don’t diminish yourself by doing the pick me dance. Tell this manipulative brute to back off, and then gray rock him and make an exit plan. This toxic environment will reduce you to nothing and damage your children.

I would tell him to shut up or get out. His behaviour is abnormal and disgusting.
I think this marriage is over.

He may be interested in someone else or looking for an excuse to check out the relationship. Or he could have always insecure and you are only just picking up on it as it's escalated.

I'd have a talk at a point where he hasn't raised it. Explain you both have a past and that's ok. It's unfair for him to blame you for things you have done in the past. They are not happening now and he needs to let it go.

After that shut it down. Refuse to engage in conversation. Perhaps suggest counselling to work on his issues.

As a man, I think it's a YouTube thing. Some of the phrases you've used have been lifted directly from Hard Pill Network.

Men and women are not the same, a man isn't born with value, he had to earn it, while a woman's value goes down, things like that. It's a powerful influence!

That aside, I think both sides have made mistakes with that they've said, and it's just snowballing. My wife told me about the best sex she ever had (obviously before meeting me), or how her best friend who's gay is absolutely her type, and if he wasn't gay... these things really play with your mind, irrespective of the (maybe) external influence. It doesn't matter that you've said sorry or tried to build them up since, the damage is done. Any woman would feel permanently damaged if a man said an ex was 'amazing', for example, it goes both ways, you'd never forget either.

He does sound like a bit of a dick though.

Women, never share your whole past at an early stage of a relationship. It will always be used as a weapon against you. Don't do it, even if it's pretty innocent.

That aside, I think both sides have made mistakes with that they've said, and it's just snowballing. My wife told me about the best sex she ever had (obviously before meeting me), or how her best friend who's gay is absolutely her type, and if he wasn't gay... these things really play with your mind, irrespective of the (maybe) external influence. It doesn't matter that you've said sorry or tried to build them up since, the damage is done. Any woman would feel permanently damaged if a man said an ex was 'amazing', for example, it goes both ways, you'd never forget either.

I agree with this.

Once something is said, it can't be unsaid. Sometimes, those things don't feel like a huge deal in the early days but as time goes on and life becomes mundane with routine, families and chores, they can begin to play on people's minds.

I've read plenty of threads where women have posted talking about how a partner said a random woman/ex was beautiful or the best sex and he's widely regarded as a dick on here for not realising it was a stupid, insensitive thing to say and bound to make the poster feel insecure. So I don't agree that this is just him weaponising your past against you.

Don't share details of past relationships. We all know they happen. We all know that our partners have probably been out with someone who was more attractive than us and we've all done things sexually that we probably wouldn't do with this particular partner because, well, no relationship is a carbon copy of the last.

But generally we don't think about it and its all a bit abstract. When you can put a name to a person or an act to a face, it makes it concrete and more real.

I've never shared anything I've done sexually with another man with anyone I've dated and I can't see how any relationship would be improved by doing so.

He is either doing this because he’s started seeing someone else and wants an excuse to justify his behaviour, and/or he is doing it because he is a jealous and controlling man.
Regardless of the reason, his behaviour to you is atrocious. I wouldn’t feel safe around him/having children around him. I would leave.

Do this.

Thank you all for your comments.
I do agree I shouldn't have ever said anything and I can see why he might be annoyed by it and it might pop into his head sometime. But why not tell me he's feeling insecure and at least let me try and reassure him before trying to guilt and shame me and make me feel worthless. That's the bit that's so horrible. I know saying an ex is handsome was stupid, it was just a reaction to him trying to say he was ugly ect. I could have just agreed but honestly would have looked worse if I'd admitted to sleeping with someone I found ugly?! He'd use that against the too to be honest so I can't win.

Yes, staying quiet would have been the best option but I didn't. And haven't said or done anything to make him feel insecure since the moment we have been a couple. So it just feels insane.

He's definitely been watching that YouTube stuff. I've heard him say things about it and seen him watching it.

Men who are having affairs tend to try to justify it by accusing their wives of what they are doing. They are doing it, so assume everyone is, too. It's easier to lay the narrative that you weren't who he thought you were, etc etc. And he doesn't trust you. He was unhappy etc, you were fighting. etc. It's typical gaslighting and ground preparation. I'd have questions of my own for him, if I were you.

OR, he has been listening to male supremacist, Andrew Tate-like stuff and has been convinced women who have relationships before marriage are dirty whores and not to be trusted.

Those are the two scenarios I can come up with. Either way, his behaviour is inexcusable, abusive and he needs to be told to stop it.

Yes to andrew tate and those podcasts that have men just telling women they are basically worthless for having a high body count ect.
Not nice. And honestly, I don't even have a high body count in my opinion. Just bloody normal experiences.

He makes me feel like a piece of meat. Like reducing me only to my sexual experiences, like I have no other qualities and nothing to offer besides my 'purity', which I don't have....
But will happily have sex with me..
I hate how he's developed all these opinions on women that he never had before.
He says he always did but I never heard him say things like this until recently

This sounds like online MGROW red pill.shite.

First of all OP try and not let it bother you it's poison and dumb.

My response would go something along these lines.

"I am never, never, ever, going to feel ashamed of my past which I told you all about. "Spoiled goods". (Yes i would do air speech makes for this) Like a second hand washing machine yeah?

So what now?
Going to go running off to Andrew Tate esque land and ask "advice" and what to do when little wifie isn't responding subserviently enough to the manly berating?

Whatever the fuck all this is, it's not working and never will"

Defiance basically

And he could fuck right off and then fuck off some more if he thought he was getting any sex from "bucket vagina"

Spoiled goods? Yeah fuck that shit sunshine.

he just says men and women aren't the same

Ah, here we go. The old men are studs, women are sluts. Sex is for mens enjoyment only, apparently. If a woman has had a few partners, she's a whore whose been around the block. The double standards still, in 2024? Makes my blood boil. He really is very misogynistic, and it seems someone/something has gotten into his hear and has brought a visceral misogyny to the core that perhaps he always kept hidden. Still not discounting an affair though. Perhaps it could be both things.

It does sound like either an affair or he's been watching too much YouTube.

Wither way though, it's abusive behaviour and although younhave other children it does tend to get worse when kids come along.

It's entirely.possible there were signs before but they were minor and were hidden in the guise of caring (things like insisting in picking you up from nights out so you didn't have to male your way home at night or wanting you to spend most of your time with him or subtle pressure to dress or act differently in different situations)

But if he doesn't acknowledge that he's the problem it will just get worse.

By the way, you must be an amazing partner if he has to go so far back to find something to berate you with.

Please stop having sex with this disgusting disrespectful man. then work out what to do

Don't beat yourself up about sharing details of your past, many couples have similar conversations at the start. His feelings of insecurity in no way justify his abusive behaviour, he could choose to talk to you like an actual functional adult instead.

he just says men and women aren't the same. He has a right to know what his wife has done

How do men have sex with women before marriage if women should keep themselves pure? Bet he wasn't saying this when you two were having sex before marriage. It just doesn't add up.

Actually he has no "right" to your private sexual history. He has been given that privilege from you out of choice. Tell him you will disclose no more it can spin round his empty head if he likes it will all be his pathetic imagination from now on.

This sounds like mindless online red pill shite. He is bringing this poison into your home, around your kids, this for me would be a no go area.

You could try telling him what a husband should be to balance the books? A protector, provider, equal, respectful gentleman. One who has the strength and manners to forgive if they feel wronged and to not be the one who fucking tries, tries because you aren't going to let him OP, to slut shame you.

Whilst men like this are happy to spout out how they think a wife should be they are less enthusiastic about looking inwards at how their husband behaviour should be.

What the actual fuck? Weird misogynistic behaviour to expect you to have been caged in a nunnery until you met him.

How dare he? Please don’t tolerate this. Tell him to get over it or fuck off as it’s emotional abuse. You’ve done nothing wrong!!!!!! Infuriated on your behalf.

Yeh luvkily ive never been grilled about how many men ive slept with.

Ridiculous question. I sometomes feel the number is higher than id like but the ones id cut if i could 😆 are the ones who deliberately misled me. Mens shitty behaviour is the reason some of us make mistakes.

A husband can be a mistake too.
You can bring his children into the world and he still sees you as not having value. If that isnt toxic i dont know what is.

Andrew Tate summarised. Women are either virgins or whores and in both cases are the property of men who should be the sole arbiter of everything they do. Sympathy OP. His mind is poisoned and you're going to have to tell him to decide 'it's Tate or me'.

@DoIWantTo is correct.

You AND your children are being emotionally abused.
Please contact Women's aid for support.
This is not a good man.
Quizzing you about your past should be a huge red flag for women, it never ends well.
Healthy normal men never demand to know your past, they know it is none of their business.
Please contact your family and make arrangements to stay with them.
This is awful for hour children to witness you being abused by him.
You and they deserve so much better.
This is on him, NOT you.