Feel really hurt and used

[roses321]

I don't think this is anything new to be honest but I just wanted to vent on here.

I've been single for just over a year, I haven't slept with anyone or bothered with trying to pursue a relationship, but I met this one guy recently and he seemed great. He said all the right things, seemed to really have a good set of values and was extremely respectful.

Long story short, I ended up going home with him on Saturday night and we slept together. I left on Sunday morning and he did text me, but barely, and it was nothing to do with the weekend we spent together or anything else. It was about things in the news or TV shows he was watching.
By Sunday night I kind of felt like shit, and I felt quite used even though there was no reason to feel that way - I'm a grown adult, I made a choice, and I went into it fully aware that he might tell me he didn't want to see me again. I would have been disappointed, but I could have handled it.

What I didn't foresee at all, was him just NOT addressing it, not saying anything, not giving me any indication of whether he wanted to see me again, or even acknowledging that it had happened.

I decided that I didn't have anything to lose, so I laid my cards on the table and told him I had a lovely time with him, thought he was a great guy, and I had fun etc.

The response I got made me really mad. Literally not even an acknowledgement of anything I just said, just "oh I had a hangover yesterday and felt shit" (we went out drinking) and then a "anyway got to go to work, chat later".

I told him that frankly chatting later wasn't necessary. He then followed up saying he found my earring on his bedroom floor and I said don't worry just bin it. He sent me a laughing emoji and just an "ok".

Excuse me but WTF. Is it too much to expect someone to behave like an actual adult and not just run away from acknowledging that yes, we slept together and just be honest and upfront if you don't want more? I'm really fuming. I feel so angry about it and utterly suprised since this is NOT what I expected him to behave like, it is completely out of character with how he presented himself, completely childish and I have just decided to not utter one more word to him, as much as I want to verbally bite his head off, I know that it'll do me no good whatsoever so I won't bother.

Seriously though WHAT THE HECK? You dont' have to want a relationship with someone to behave like a respectful human being ffs.

I just think she's been lovebombed by this guy in prep for the night he had the house to himself. This guy isn't who she think he is, this guy played the part of a character who sole intention was to get her into bed, once that happened he doesn't have to keep up the act because he thinks she'll have sex with him again the next chance he gets.

Just No. I can’t remember when I first had sex with my boyfriend. At least 6 dates in and my god did I feel loved afterwards. He was willing to wait however long I needed and when I said yes I’m ready - we did - it was amazing and contact was daily afterwards and yes he said it was amazing and communicated this etc

Rather than that, have you examined YOUR attitude?

I had sex with someone ONCE casually, after leaving a shitty abusive relationship that lasted 5 years and after staying single for 1 year and NOT dating people.

Yes, I was an "accidental slut" for ONE night. I had a few drinks and made a snap decision. What are you getting at here exactly? Why are YOU here making comments like that? Have you examined that perchance?

Probably, but he's wrong.

I knew he lived with his mother yes.

He was in South Africa for most of his life and he's come back here.

I'm on the fence with him. I've heard a lot of differing views on here about the situation, the bottom line is that I shouldn't have made the choice I did on Saturday, but hey it happened and that's that.

When we went out on Saturday he said "I best get you home". It was MY decision to go back to his, I am the one who chose that path. He wanted it, but he certainly didn't expect it, he wasn't bolshy or pushy about it with me in any way. I chose.

His communication the next day was sub par, it wasn't what I expected. I've been slammed for my opinions on that, now I'm being slammed by others for being on the fence and waiting to see what else he says. So really... bar a set few, most women on here just want to come and slam me for SOMETHING, there is no right answer. I find that quite appalling actually.

But that said, I am the gatekeeper of my body, I choose who does what with it, and I have made the conscious choice that after how i felt on Sunday, I am now allowing him further access to that side of things UNLESS his intentions are clear, unless he shows positive signs for a consistent amount of time that show he's actually a decent person.

Do I think that will happen? Actually, no. And that's ok, because i'm fully informed now. I know what I've seen, and I get the choice of what I do next don't I? Why then, I am faced with repeated lectures from people who apparently haven't done ANYTHING worthy of regret in their own lives is beyond me. I guess it just really is nice to come and be a bitch to a randomer when you've finished the ironing and got the kids to school huh?

I am not judging him for his living situation. I live in a house share for goodness sake, I'm nearly 40. I know why i'm in that situation and it's certainly not something i would expect to be judged over, so why would I decide to immediately refuse to associate with someone because they lived in another country most of their life and are now living at home with their mother? Looking after her post hip replacement as well. That isn't shit i want to judge someone for. If others do then that's on them, but I'm sure if their ideal family lives come crashing down around their ears they'll be here expecting sympathy.

Life is full of ups and downs. It doesn't always go the way you think it will - go look in the fucking forums if you want to see evidence.

Was supposed to say NOT allowing him access. Can't edit.

I'm not saying to judge him for his living situation but for the overall picture, it already sounds like your emotionally attached to him and willing to give him another chance when he already hasn't met your expectations 3 dates in. Enough for you to be angry about it on here. Do you just want him to go on dates with but not have sex?

Good on you OP for being direct and firing him off. Loads of blokes will message now and again because they're bored or to keep you hanging on in case they're at a loose end or fancy a drunken shag in the future.

I wouldn't say I'm emotionally attached to him no. Did I like him and who he was character wise? Yeah I did. He was a pretty interesting guy actually.

I've matched with a lot of guys and had chats with them, most of them have nothing to say of any interest, this one was different. I'm used to sleaze, i'm used to the "wow you're so beautiful" but this guy had a lot to say about a lot of things that I found genuinely quite insightful and interesting.

I was pretty angry about his lack of communication the day after sleeping with him yeah, it was bizarre in my personal opinion. I now see that people seem to sleep together for the first time all the time then chat about the weather as though it never happened. New one on me! But ok. Not really my bag though. I like to know someones intentions after doing something like that with them, but had I not rushed in where angels fear to tread, I wouldn't be in that situation so I accept that. My assumption was that he had enough about him to be straightforward. I was wrong.

As for going on more dates with no sex, well no, I'm not going to have sex with him. I don't fancy posting an update here "I did it again and now I feel worse!!" - can you even imagine? Not happening. It would be absolutely nuts to do that.

Dates? I dunno. I'm certainly not organising any with him, I'm seeing what he does. I've set my expectations at nothing. If he wants to meet on a Saturday afternoon when his house is NOT empty then that's going to be a heck of a lot more telling than meeting him on a Saturday night when his house IS empty isn't it. Does he want my company? Or does he just want sex? I'm 80/20 that he just wants sex... but the 20% is causing me to just leave the door open a crack and see what happens.

I see nothing wrong with that, I've re-calbibrated my judgement and expectations on the situation, I can get on with my life in the meantime and not worry too much about it. I can also date other people as well, which I absolutely will be doing if the mood takes me... and I won't be sleeping with them either!

Agreed.

I think if it carries on with him messaging, at some point in the next couple of weeks I will just ask him what he wants.

I'm not rushing to answer him or getting in deep. I am in control of the situation. This time.

I can guarantee you if you didn't sleep with him last Saturday he would have been texting you as much this week as last week.

Bold statement!
He's still in touch pretty regularly.... nothing to be done about it now. Shit happens.

Sorry this is just chat in response to your post because it chimed with my experience.

I ended up treating dating like a job to keep up my ability to continue. If I hadn't wanted a chance at children I'd probably still be single, half lonely half content. I lived far from most of my friends but it sounds like you've got a good social life separate to dating.

I once spent months getting to know a guy who I was really really into. I didn't want to sleep with him on that first amazing date and after that it seemed off the cards on his part. But I thought we would become friends. One night months later he kisses me, we sleep together (I'm over the moon) and in the morning he tells me that although he's being touchy feely he's actually 'emotionally unavailable'. I pretended that it was ok but I was really upset. We kept hanging out for a long time after but it went from bad to worse emotionally. I still don't understand it.

When I met the man I now love, my instincts told me he was a rare good guy. I've been burned before but 4 years on he's still a very very good person. It still surprises me how not shit he is.

Just a last thought, that on the radio this morning they were talking about women 'putting off' children till later. I was like, mate, I wasn't putting it off but men were so off putting. I wonder if it's an indirect consequence of dating apps shaping men's treatment of women. Maybe I'm over thinking it all and I've definitely written too much.

Hahaha at the penis text! He's full of himself aint he. Unless you're still walking like John Wayne...

Yup, so common these days unfortunately. He's not getting anymore out of me for sure. I think one poster put it best, he's not a bad guy he's just a dozy bastard.

I dunno... who knows what problems men with huge penises have? Perhaps it's a genuine anxiety!

I'm all good though. Just found it absolutely fucking hilarious to be honest.

I’ve been with you the whole way on this thread but am suprised that one slightly nice message from him and you’re now thinking he’s not so bad after all. That’s literally textbook about how guys like this work. You’re a more resilient woman than I am as no chance I’d be considering him again!

but I hope it works out the way you want it to: whatever that may look like

I absolutely hear you.

I still think he's a dick for the record. I don't consider him of solid character anymore, and the lying about not seeing my message boils my piss.

I'm not sure enough that he's a deliberate player yet. I need to watch a bit longer and observe.

Read as: I'll get very bored very quickly and date elsewhere.

Is it not worth seeing him again for that penis alone? Fuck the feminists this may be the biggest cock you get to experience in your life. Be a shame to throw it away just cos he's a bit lax with the communications.

LMFAO.

I dunno... I love the idea of a summer fling and all that - I mean I am free and single and all that.

But at the same time I'm pretty easily swayed by certain behaviours, hugs, kisses on the head, standing between me and men who are being leery and weird, that kind of thing.... that's what he's been like prior to sex.

It creates a weird shitty feeling in me when I sleep with someone like that, and then they turn out to the one i should have been worried about.

He's not forthright in his communication and he's not trying to push anything forward, so i'm staying clothed, and staying distant.

If you think he’s so awful why on earth are you still messaging him?

Read the posts.

Baseball bat down his pants.

You may be a bit stubborn like me and trying to elicit a different response by staying in contact?

Just sounds like you're not suited.

LMFAO!!!!