DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

OP clearly answered this question already.

I hope your DH realises how hard a decision this would have been. Ask him to put himself in his parents position. He is finding it hard as the youngest sibling who often feel the older children get preferential treatment. Your DH is not loved any less so than his siblings. I'd ask him to talk about his feelings but to also let them know he understands how exhausting it would be given they're already helping the others and can't get out of it now. This should reassure him your baby will be just as loved as the rest.

Tbh my husband's mother and grandmother never offered to even babysit,not even once! And only phone my husband when something needs fixing/repaired
It gives me the rage as they never even text or phone until they want something
We've distanced ourselves and made ourselves unavailable
Let it go and concentrate on your lovely husband and baby it's really not worth the upset
Just don't be too keen to introduce baby too them

some people are deliberately missing the point to be argumentative
Regardless of age of grandparent or child, giving 2 of your 3 children something and not the other, is unfair.
If they had given DH's sister a £30,000 house deposit each (which is what several days childcare over several years adds up to) or paid for their first 3 grandchildren to go to private school then shrugged and said 'sorry, can't afford any more,' then I doubt everyone would be as accepting.

It's not as if the fact that all your children might have children themselves is some sort of crazy unexpected shock. They should have considered this very high possibility before they offered for the first child, and planned what they would do in these circumstances to be as fair as possible.

As an example, I have a friend who had her first child 15 years after her sibling. Parents provided loads of childcare for sibling when they were in their early 60s, but have been honest in that it's not something they are now able to do now they are in their mid seventies. Perfectly fine - but they have acknowledged this and are instead contributing to nursery fees to make up for the monetary aspect, and spending one day a week cooking dinner, doing bed and bath etc while friend is in the house but making up her hours in work/having a relax to make up for the 'grandparent time' element. So at least trying to make it as fair as possible in changed circumstances.

Surely you can appreciate the huge difference between drop off and collection of school age children versus an baby?

I’d be upset too by this. It’s so important to treat children fairly and his older two sisters got the benefit (financial) of having help with childcare.

I suspect the problem is that he doesn't think it was a difficult decision at all.

Oh FFS now parents are expected to pay for their DGC's childcare expenses when they are in their seventies? Bexause one DC had kids later. Unbelievable entitlement.

I will need my dosh to pay for my care home.

My parents provided very unequal childcare, in part because of circumstances. My family was the one that lost out. I accepted that this was the way life had turned out and sorted my own care. Consequently I will not do childcare for my own children. It's impossible to be fair with several children from different families involved. (That does not mean I'm uninvolved and I do loads of care, but not to a set timetable)

Again, there are more free hours available for younger children than when the sisters had kids.

(Appreciate top ups blur the picture)

That assumes they're somewhere with free hours.

It's so rubbish. My parents told me and my brothers they wouldn't provide regular childcare for our children. Fine. Except when my older sister had her child my dad offered 5 days of childcare. I'll let you guess how relationships are in my family now.
It has to be up to your DH but I wouldn't blame him for wanting to distance himself. At least you have time to put some childcare in place and sometimes it's not the best Idea for rely on family for childcare anyway.

Perfectly fine - but they have acknowledged this and are instead contributing to nursery fees to make up for the monetary aspect

This is the second time GPs contributing to nursery fees has been mentioned.
Do you all have wealthy parents? There's no way my budget would stretch to paying any nursery fees for my grandchildren. Money is all spoken for before it hits the bank account. Not all us oldies are rolling in cash.

First come, first served. I know loads of families where the younger child or children had children first, so it's not just a case of "that's what happens when you are the youngest".

For what it's worth, my sister (who is several years older than me) once had a right moan about the fact my parents (who were retired by then) frequently looked after my dogs.

The fact that my sister's child was an adult and that my parents had helped as much as she would let them (which was never a lot, because she chose not to) was ever so conveniently not mentioned in her rant.

Nor did my sister have anything that needed looking after - for her it was a case of me getting more than her, even though she didn't need or want it.

Thus, I can fully appreciate that the thought processes of family members are a curious thing.

They're probably pretty shattered! Its might not be personal even though it feels like it is. They have a right to enjoy their old age too...

But it would be very hurtful nonetheless for me to hear these words in your DH's position.

I don't think the PIL need to contribute, but it does seem strange not to acknowledge that you've saved two of your children tens of thousands but won't be saving your third child a penny.

Maybe they will help financially.

It's just occurred to me though, OP it merely pregnant at this stage; so much could change by the time she and her husband need help. There's nothing to say PIL may change their minds and help, or conversely decide to no longer help their other children.

@Marblessolveeverything

Surely you can appreciate the huge difference between drop off and collection of school age children versus a baby?
I wasn't suggesting looking after a baby full time. I was meaning that the GP would have the capacity to babysit or be available for a couple of hours a couple of afternoons a week to enable whoever is at home to the shops etc.

But they can't if they are filled to capacity with the school run 2x a day.

Look at the end of the day you reap what you sow. If you spend all your time with two sets of GC and barely any with the third then you aren't going to have a great relationship with them other parents are you. If you feel you would rather carry on supporting one family and not at all the other then it's inevitable this will impact your relationships.

My parents never did childcare for us but they would have had no idea of the cost of it. They certainly have no idea of eg current uni fees

What I am taking from this is GPs of more than one child should be wary of offering childcare. Best not. Go on a cruise instead. Less aggravation. Or active holidays even.

People are being very obtuse.
No one is demanding they pay if they're not well enough to take on childcare, but the other 2 families will have benefitted massively from this, it's like being gifted a house deposit.

I have 2 siblings living near my parent. Me and another sibling live far away.
My parents have been thoughtful and sensible and offered 1 day a week regular childcare to close siblings. Plus emergencies. This means the rest of us don't feel hurt. It also means they're free to visit us sometimes.

My siblings in return will share meals and help parents.

It's mad that they decided to offer full childcare to 2 children and didn't think ahead about how this would be perceived by 3rd child. If the other siblings have never had yo pay for childcare, never had to deal with child sickness or leave work early, they will be in a completely different world! More progress in careers, nicer house, better holidays, less stress.....
It would have been much more sensible to offer 1 or 2 days a week. They've essentially made the first 2 siblings dependent on them.

I think this is something GPs have to consider right from the start. If all children are to be treated the same re child care, then what if for example there are three adult dcs, all of which have two dcs each at different points - maybe three/four years in between. That means grandparents have to juggle childcare for six children. They’re being pulled in all directions with all their dcs wanting a piece of them. Unfortunately in OPs family dynamics situation the GPs seem to have got themselves into a right mess trying to keep everyone happy.

Just to add that I don't think grandparents should have to commit to regular childcare and we've never had any help, always juggled everything ourselves. But you've got to try and be fair or of course there will be resentment

I think it's pretty shitty to help out two kids but make zero effort to help out the third. Imo the grandparents should cut back a little bit on the sister's childcare, so they can offer a bit of help to their son.
Obviously grandparents shouldn't be held up arrangements if their health declines, but since they are continuing to do their daughter's childcare, it's awful to tell their son he's effectively on his own!

Agree with pp that when old age comes around and they need some support themselves, your dh should point them firmly in the direction of his sisters!

They just won’t have the same relationship with this child as they do with the other grandchildren who they will have invested so much of their time with. It won’t be possible to even spend much time with the new child as it grows, if they are maintaining their childcare commitments with the other GC. Plus, you have to factor in grandparent age, they won’t be around forever. I think low expectations will be required.. My parents don’t take much interest in my DC. DC are now older and don’t have much of a connection or interest in their grandparents beyond superficial birthdays and Xmas greetings. Ultimately that’s down to their grandparents. You reap what you sow.