DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

I think it often tends to be easier looking after your daughters children as usually you both have the same way of thinking.

Not that knowing this makes it fair at all.

At the very least, they could offer some financial support

It's absolutely not up to the grandparents to finance child care for their grandparents

But they aren't winding down. They are choosing to stay committed to caring for the older siblings children and not the OPs at all.

I suspect if the parents had said "son, we're so sorry but we won't be able to provide childcare for your baby. We're getting on and the older DGC are hard enough work as it is, we just can't manage babies and toddlers any more" then the DH may have accepted it. "We can't help you because we're too busy giving that exact same help to the sister we've always favoured. Good luck paying £10k+ per child per annum" is a little harder to take.

I disagree with quite a lot of posters in that, yes, it gets harder work to look after little ones when older and maybe they're a bit sick of it.

However, if that was the case, they're grown ups, they could have said so, They didn't. They specifically presented it, unsolicited, as they can't do it because of caring for his sister's children. I don't think your DH is unreasonable to feel upset about it.

For you OP, I think all you can do is help him process it. Maybe he needs another conversation with them, along the lines of, I assume it's a bit much for you. Maybe not. Depends a bit on the background to this that you've alluded to.

What a nasty thing to say. There is nothing to suggest that OP’s PIL are not normal loving parents. Normal loving parents are realistic about what they can and can’t do for their children and there is no obligation on them to provide childcare for their grandchildren.

I think, if they said they can't do your baby then SIL had another and they offered to look after him or her that would be different.

Interestingly, I was chatting with DSIL about this only the other week, and she said they might be considering it! So I may have an update for this thread in a year or two…

They likely thought they couldn’t commit to providing that level of childcare as they get older

I disagree. It would mean the last sibling to have dc would always get the shit end leftovers of their parents time care and help.

It would be totally reasonable for the coupes who have had years of free help to take responsibility themselves now and allow the later sibling's dc to have the grandparent time and care and love their dc had

If you don't do this what happens is the youngest grandchildren have a much much less close relationship with the grandparents. It's unavoidable as they will grow up spending way less time with them.

Grandparents need to invest time in each grandchild if they hope to have good relationships with them all.

I don't think anyone is saying it's nothing - just that it's so much easier than caring for a baby/toddler. The poster who used the phrase 'walk in the park' was clear that she meant in comparison.

My parents and in-laws between them do a day a week for us (so each do it fortnightly) - I am incredibly grateful of what they do for both of them, but it's very clear that my 3 year old takes 95% of their energy compared to my 6 year old, not least because they have him for 4 times longer in the day. I absolutely do think they'll feel it's a comparative breeze when the younger one goes to school - and I think if I announced I was pregnant again now they really wouldn't be up for doing the whole round from babyhood again.

My children both go to paid childcare some of the other days of a week - unsurprisingly, it costs a lot more for my 3 year old, again because it's both a lot more time and a lot more demanding.

@bunnypenny

Drop offs and pick ups of school age children are very different to looking after toddlers. I’d say that understandably they’ll feel like they’ve done their time, but agree it is unfair for your DH.
It's not about 'doing their time'. It's about building the same close relationship with all their grandchildren

These relationships grow through time and care. There is no way the gp will have the same bond with the youngest as they simply won't have spent as much time with them.

It will only get worse as they grow up as the older dc will be having years and years of bonding and talking and sharing time with gp. The youngest won't. The youngest will see the disparity. They will notice.

It's the gp and the youngest grandchildren who miss out.

And no one is saying the older gp should be giving full time help. They could use the same amount of time they do now just helping out by giving the OP and partner a break.

I couldn't imagine giving all my time to one set and telling the other they have to fend for themselves.

A poster above literally characterised after school care as a sit down on a park bench, biscuit, and some reading for a couple of hours after school. That is not wrap around care.

It's going to be relentless in a DIFFERENT way than looking after a toddler but still tiring.

Anyway, it's posters who've suggested the ILs are tired. We have no idea if they are.

It's all in the delivery isn't it?

"Son, we are shattered and can't face even one day or afternoon a week of baby care. It's much more physical than looking after school aged children.

BUT we are so looking forward to meeting our next grandchild. We are so excited for you and @OrangeWaffle

Happy to pitch in with the odd night of babysitting when the two of you fancy a night out"

Probably would have come across a bit better.

That may possibly (even just subconsciously) affect their attitude towards providing childcare. Helping their DD vs helping their DIL (even if they do like the DIL very much).

it may be an additional factor besides age, pre-existing patterns and commitment etc. But I understand why your DH would be upset, especially if that’s part of a long row of instances making him feel lesser / less loved and supported…

The PIL should have waited to be asked. So cringey - the idea "can't wait to meet your sweet baby BUUTTTTT don't even think of asking us for help."

Bizarre.

Your poor DH. My sister is the golden child and honestly, it's utterly shit growing up in their shadow.

Be supportive, and let him come to his own decisions here but don't under estimate the damage this will have done to him emotionally. It's like a constant form of rejection when your siblings get put before you time and time again.

Baby/toddler stage is a lot more physically demanding than after school care. Understand why dh is hurt but i do think it is natural they may feel differently to when they started with first grandchild.

They could have communicated better but possibly they just wanted to get the information accross asap to allow you to budget before mat leave as they would be unaware you already assumed nursery required.

Also the child they already look after may he hurt/pushed out if granny they have to go to childminder at this point. And likely end is in sight for older ones, they don't want to start again.

It's a bit rubbish but I would try not to take it personally.

Grandparents offer these things when they're fit and well and enthusiastic. Childcare can span a heck of a lot of years though, during which an awful lot can change. Even with general good health, energy levels can plummet. In just the four years that I've done so far, I've aged a fair bit. More than I expected.

Of course if every grandparent thought as you suggest "hmm, I can do childcare now, but in five years I might find it too much, and definitely will in ten, so I'd better not offer", 90% of parents would find there was no likelihood of their parents helping out.

How is that not wraparound care? My parents pick both children up at 8.15, drop DS1 to school 15 minutes later, then have just DS2 until they get DS1 at 3.15. He then watches TV with a snack and plays in their garden until I arrive at around 5.30 to take them home. I would absolutely say they do wraparound care. Again, it isn't nothing, and I don't want to sound ungrateful - it restricts what they can do, there's quite a bit of driving around, even half an hour playing with a 6 year old is an effort - but it really isn't like having the 3 year old all day, which I fully recognise is a heroic effort.

I mean, how many children are they expected to take on. I agree it probably feels unfair, but they can’t keep accommodating more and more child care - you could have another one in a year or two, and then your pil I guess would be looking after baby/toddler, as well as deal with pick up and drop offs for the others (they can’t just turn round to them and say they have to sort their own out now, as it’s your turn). When do the PIL get their life’s back to enjoy their older years doing stuff that doesn’t involve child care?

Incidentally, I also find a day with just the 6 year old like having a holiday compared to a day with just the 3 year old - and I, obviously, am a lot younger! They just are so much easier at that age.

Yes, given how many DILs on here are hyper-critical of everything their MILs do, I can imagine being a bit more nervous of doing childcare for a DIL.

My DD is super chilled about me having her kids. She's had a lifetime of knowing who I am and trusting me. But I still find it a massive responsibility being responsible for the safety of someone else's child. If be very much more anxious about ever having to tell a DIL that something had gone wrong. Remember the recent thread about the child who broke their arm in the in-laws care? The mum was livid.

This happened to us only DSIL child is 4 weeks younger than my youngest.

Even now 20 year Slater they still drop him off 100’s of miles away for his hobby.

Mine don’t even have a photo on their wall -

DN has his own room and own stuff at GP house:

Mine gave up on granny and grandad years ago and they still wonder what they did wrong.

And yes. I'm getting older, and I need to make the most of the fewer and fewer active years I have left. While I like to make the most of my young grandchildren, I also want to go out for days, to travel. To catch up with friends.

Before and after school leaves GPs and to enjoy the rest of the day. Looking after a baby or toddler is incredibly restrictive. If these GPs' take on the baby you haven't even had yet, by the time they're done with childcare, them have no retirement left for themselves.