DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

I think it's outrageous that your SIL still has your PIL doing all the school runs. Presumably she has had years and years of help. It would be fairer, if your parents feel they can't offer any help to you, to cut down the ludicrous amount of help the others are getting.

My DM looked after DB's children 2 days a week and regularly complained about how tying it was - so I never felt like I could ask her to look after mine (I loved the bond I had with my own grandparents at that age) - we did see a lot of her, but they were never on their own with her. The result was that she does feel closer to the DNs than to mine. They are really only just starting to have a closer relationship with her now in their mid-teens. It has made me feel sad.

This.

I suspect they are probably very traditional in their ideas around roles within the family.

I’d go a step further to say they probably expect your family to do the childcare.

It might be that the GPs feel they can cope with pick up / drop off as it’s not an all day activity and the children are older so not as dependent. The GPs are older than they were when they were doing childcare for your DH older siblings and may no longer feel confident they can manage a baby - it’s hard work, much more hands on, and it may be something as simple as they don’t feel they want to commit and then have to let you down. The existing arrangements may be a convenient get out for them.

It doesn’t look or feel fair as you and DH won’t get the same support as his older siblings but age and confidence do play a big part ( I know this from a friend who felt they would always do the same for both DCs but when it came to it there was a 10 year gap between grandchildren and they genuinely didn’t feel confident looking after a baby all day anymore )

OP I was in your DH's situation. My DM committed 10 years of childcare to my sister which left no time for my children. This came on top of already feeling I was least favourite. My relationship with her & my sister disintegrated

It's very unfortunate that people equate being treated equally with parental love. No it's not fair, but daughters often turn to support from their own parents during pregnancy and childcare and perhaps they just expect you to be closer to your own parents. Perhaps they feel a bit more awkward looking after their dil's baby than their daughters. Also, I expect that they are older now and have run out of steam. There's a big difference between doing school runs (chauffeuring older children) and looking after a baby all day. Perhaps if you had had your children first, then you would have received the childcare. I really don't think that they are being unreasonable. It's natural to feel a bit jealous that they received something worth a monetary value that you will now have to pay for. But I don't think that it's worth dwelling on. Personally I would call your in-laws and just tip them off that he's taken it personally. I think that it's far better for all concerned to smooth this over rather than let it create a divide. Life's too short for that sort of angst.

Yep. There are some people in this thread who seem to just see grandparents as skivvies, with no right to a retirement.

When my DD was pregnant, she told me that she wouldn't be asking me for childcare, because she knew I'd retired because I wanted to travel in retirement and was looking forward to being spontaneous. She saw me as a person with hopes and plans, not a commodity.

But I do irregular childcare, because I want to help when I can, and I enjoy my grandkids company. If my other daughter has children, I hope I can at least babysit. But I know that she'll be the same as her sister and not expect it at all. And she's also intelligent enough to notice that I'm slowing down.

My DPs were all over their first few grandchildren, but totally over it by the 5th and 6th. They are not quick to offer to have them over anymore, they are retired and although they undoubtedly love all of their DC and DGC, they are now retired and want to pootle about on lovely day trips when the weather is good. In fact their schedule is totally led by the weatherman..dry weather and they are off somewhere for the day, wet weather..my Dad has a list of home improvements to work through. They do some childcare but just for short periods. This is totally their prerogative and yes OP, the eldest GC and their DPs had most help. Closely followed by the sibling and thier DCs following a messy split that left them as a single parent in a bitter custody battle and DGP support went in favour when residential arrangements were settled in court. I don’t think they love your DH any less, he is just later off of the blocks to have children. His DPs have experienced the highs and lows of looking after DGH and are at least giving him notice so that you don’t assume arrangements.

Very roughly, by the time our youngest gets to school we'll have spent £70k on nursery fees. Pretty sure it's more but I don't want to know. BIL paid £0. That's a hell of a lot more than a house deposit.

Like I said, PIL couldn't mind our DC logistically so I don't resent them, but if we were all in the same town and their reason for not helping us was "we're already spending all our time helping your brother so you're on your own", I imagine I'd feel differently.

I fully agree about the care burden on women, and older women in particular. I don't think the PIL should be obliged in any way to provide childcare, but they've gone about it all wrong and on top of a lifetime of favouritism I can understand why the DH is hurt.

I agree sexism is playing its part here as it so often does, but I think that includes a belief that a son can pay for childcare in the way a daughter can't, and that raising DC is women's work so they'll help a daughter but not a daughter in law. The sexism may well have been at the root of the favouritism, it often is.

All that this thread has demonstrated to me, is that it's best for grandparents not to do childcare for any of their kids.

As my MIL would have said 'they can't do right for doing wrong'.
They try to help and it all backfires when they run out of steam. Either they end up with their kids resenting each other, or some of their kids resenting them. Or both.

This is a really dispiriting thread, frankly.

Well I agree with you there. I think BIL took the piss out of MIL, and continues to do so. I've seen multiple relatives tied and tired by caring for grandchildren. I don't think this thread is as much about childcare as it is about fairness and favouritism between siblings.

Would you have helped one DC for years, with anything, any then done nothing for the other?

As they have heaving favoured two siblings and saved them thousands, to not acknowledge that is disappointing.

personally, I believe you reap what you sow. So in their old age, the 2 sisters I am sure will step up and do all that is needed, whereas well you know where your DH stands!

How old are your pil OP?
And how many years have they been providing childcare so far?

Something similar here. DSIL is the only girl in DH family, both her and her daughter are fawned over. PIL have cancelled minding our DS because DSIL little girl needs to be brought somewhere/needs babysitting. We’ve stopped asking as it’s hurtful to feel like your child isn’t worth the effort or time.

It's not like giving money though. If you're going to give one child money, or help with a deposit, you plan ahead and make sure that you have enough to ultimately help both/all.

When your first grandchild is born and your child is struggling for care, you can't plan ahead to ensure that you're fair. You've no idea how many children they'll have, how long they'll need child care for... whether or not your other kids will have kids and how many. And fundamentally you don't know how your health will stand up and what age will or won't do for you.

If you don't have vast amounts of money to pay the other kids childcare 'to be fair' then what do you do? There is no way to make up for it. And to be resented by your other kids and judged for 'not planning well enough' is one hell of a punishment for trying.

Well said, @saraclara

Plus the DGPs would have no idea if eg one or more of their children would move area for work or to be near a spouse’s family etc.

I think the problem here is that the parents aren't even acknowledging the unfairness.

Also the aggressive way they called in advance to make sure they knew it wasn't on offer, before even being asked.

It’s not unfair. They’ve done their time. And it’s hardly aggressive to be honest.

I disagree. Moving to school pick ups / drop offs of older kids is winding down the intensity of what's required.
Adding another child, one that needs all day care, is quite another thing.
My kids are 15 and 10 and I wouldn't feel chuffed at going back to having a baby or toddler for a whole day again, I'd be exhausted!

They are still doing their time. Just not for all their children.

I used paid childcare myself, but given that my FIL never changed any of his own children's nappies, I think it's fair to assume that MIL would have done the bulk of the childcare, if I had asked them to care for my DC.

They’re entitled to their own lives now. They can’t be all things to everyone

Or they realized that their DS might be assuming they'd be providing care (and he was assuming that) and did the right thing by making sure everyone was on the same page instead of risking OP and her DH finding themselves either scrambling for childcare or pressuring the PIL to accept the job.

Unfortunately in OPs family dynamics situation the GPs seem to have got themselves into a right mess trying to keep everyone happy

Yup. A mess they can't get out of without upsetting somebody. They can't win.