DH is upset and this has changed my view of PIL ☹️

[OrangeWaffle]

DH has two older sisters. His parents provided childcare for the oldest one and for the last few years have provided childcare for the middle sister. DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. I have been on MN for years however so I have never assumed this would be the case.

Well, I am pregnant and at the weekend, MIL contacted DH out of the blue to let us know that PIL wouldn’t be providing any childcare to us “due to their childcare commitments” to his older (middle) sister. For context, they have provided full days of childcare to our niece and nephew when they were young and now they are at school they do all drop offs and pick ups. DSIL and DBIL have never had to pay for childcare.

Well, DH is broken hearted. Some actions and comments over the years (since childhood) have made him think he isn’t the ‘golden child’ and this seems to have cemented it. On the one hand, I think DPIL have every right to carry on with their commitments. On the other hand a bit of me does think, perhaps for once DSIL and DBIL could arrange their own childcare, and PIL could treat their own children fairly?!

I worry that this is going to affect things for DH’s relationship with his parents going forward, any advice on how I can support him?

We do school runs now. There's five GC . My youngest won't be having children for a long time . I'm already needing one new hip and the other is starting to go. I'm using a stick. I'd be frightened of dropping a baby and certainly couldn't chase a toddler.

It's sad but my children had children in their late thirties. I was 60 when the first arrived. My mother 43. She had bags of energy I remember.

I think it’s really unfair that his parents have given free childcare to his sisters and won’t for him. The fact you’re the poorest household makes it even worse! No wonder your DH is upset. When grandparents agree to do childcare for one of their children they should consider whether they can do it for all their DC before committing. Surely they foresaw this happening and the upset it would cause.

I’m in the same boat with MIL. She pretty much raised SIL’s kid and now the kid is almost an adult.

DH and I have no help with DC. I understand MIL can’t be babysitting small children her whole life and our timing doesn’t fit in with her wanting to enjoy her twilight years. We rely on ourselves to care for our child or use daycare.

Without knowing full back story it's hard to say whether it's deliberate or circumstances. Age of both parents and GC may be relevant.

I think it's clear to see from other posters the last child to start a family often gets less childcare as GPs are knackered! School age kids for a couple of hours after school is a very different thing to a baby/toddler requiring full supervision all day

I'm 68,not in bad health. There is absolutely no way that I would want to care for a toddler. It's a long term commitment for starters. And tiring. And although my health is OK, at 68 the amount of years I have to be active, or do things on the spur of the moment are decreasing. Please ask yourself when they will get the freedom to do that before it's too late? I'm sorry your DH is upset but really can he not see it from that point of view? They want a bit more time to themselves and an end date not more of the same.

Are people really making the decision to have kids banking on grandparents providing childcare.
Parents are having children later now. Grandparents cant put themselves in a time warp and stop themselves from getting older and more infirm while waiting to provide childcare
Bizarre

I know a few younger siblings in this scenario. Their mothers offered childminding for the child (or children) of the older sibling(s) but weren't prepared to do the same for the child/children of the younger sibling(s). The younger siblings have accepted the status quo, but they're aware that their older sibling(s) benefited hugely from this arrangement and that they have spent a small fortune on childcare fees. And they didn't even get the odd night of babysitting at the weekend because their mothers were (understandably) worn out from minding children all week and didn't want more of the same at the weekend.

In your situation, your DH will just have to accept their decision. Your MIL is older now and probably less physically able for a baby or toddler. Or maybe she just feels like she wants to enjoy more time to herself, now that the older children are at school. Yes, it's a little unfair on your DH but your MIL is not being unreasonable to lay her cards on the table. However, if there's a history of such incidents, then your DH is justified in feeling like he has been sidelined.

Could it be sexism rather than favouritism? They never planned to care for their son’s kids because that’s your job?

@JenniferBooth No of course they don’t but as a GP, it is good to help your children and most importantly develop a wonderful relationship with your grandchildren. You won’t get the same relationship with occasional visits.
All that is being said is that if possible you should treat your children the same and this applies to everything.

Well im wondering how many grandmothers are providing childcare vs grandfathers

Then have your kids earlier when grandparents are less infirm

Not always possible to have dc when your own parents are younger. My little bro and dis were 7 when I had my first!

“they should consider whether they can do it for all their DC before committing. Surely they foresaw this happening and the upset it would cause.”

It is quite possible, given the current youngest grandchild is four and starting school in September, that OP and DH hadn’t met/had only recently started dating when said child was born!

And honestly, no one can predict how much energy they will have 5-10 years into the future when they first commit - and how much several years of full time childcare will eat into that energy.

I didn’t know for sure I only wanted two kids, until DS2 didn’t sleep through for 3 years and I was far too tired to start again! And that was in my 30s

I think there's a lot of good advice here, especially re: caring for toddlers being dramatically different than after-school for older children.

I understand his worries about the bond, though. One thing I'll note is that while most people I know who were partly "raised" by grandparents have strong connections, it's often a different one from those who got to see their grandparents as a fun, spoiling presence instead of additional parents. I remember meeting a cousin of my DH and listening to her talk of their shared grandmother and being absolutely baffled at the difference to the person my DH reminisced about - and then I realized that the grandmother helped raise the cousin and thus disciplined and reprimanded and enforced lots of everyday rules. My husband's memories are full of regular visits to be spoiled and doted on for a few hours or days.

I'd point out the realities of aging and how big of an ask it is for your PIL to start over with a fresh childcare commitment with a toddler. You have the actual childcare needs covered in your plan, so encourage him to move on to considering how he could foster a strong bond without PIL providing regular daytime childcare.

The Op has made it very clear in all her posts that she didn't expect childcare and has calculated based on using full time childcare. Her husband had hoped but hadn't actually asked anything from them.
If this is part of a pattern of treating him differently to his siblings it wouldn't be surprising if he was hurt.

It is upsetting but maybe they don't want to go back to looking after a baby now they're older. Babies are more work than school age children.

I bet they will try though

Please could someone tell me when us oldies are allowed to actually have time for ourselves? It seems that the answer is only when we are no longer useful. And can no longer do anything apart from sit around the house. And then adult kids can't or won't help out for their own reasons. We are supposed to provide for children and grandchildren forever, it seems.

'DH has always assumed that when we had a baby, they would again offer to do childcare. '
Thats a pretty entitled and sexist presumption. Do these women not have lives of their own?

I’m in the minority here but I think it’s really shitty of your PIL. It’s downright favouritism. I get not offering five days a week looking after a toddler now they’re older, but even a day would be a help to you guys and more importantly show that they want to prioritise your baby and their son in a really exciting but hard period of life. The sisters would have known they’d have to share PIL free childcare, so them dropping down a few days of doing pick ups so they can spend a day helping you both would not be shocking, and they’ve got loads of notice to sort their working hours etc.

I’m with DH!

If your parents helped your siblings out hugely, both in terms of time and money, and were seemingly in the position to do the same for you or at least give you a slice of the pie, would part of you not assume they would do so?

If this was a first grandchild it would be unspeakably selfish to assume his parents were going to provide childcare. But when his siblings have had years of help and saved tens of thousands I don't blame the DH.

If your parents gave your sibling a house deposit, would you not be hurt if they said there was no money for you because you see they'd already given it all to your sibling?

Because hers are at school!! That means 6 hours break every day!

That’s very different from all day with a one year old.

When it comes to adult children I think a son (rightly or wrongly) has a different relationship with his parents to that of a daughter (I'm minded of the saying “A daughter is a daughter all of your life; a son is a son until he takes a wife.”).
I think the expectation/natural order is that childminding is provided by the maternal grandparent.

I'm not saying this 👆 is the correct outlook (I don't think it is, for clarity!). I'm just acknowledging that, for whatever reason, it commonly IS the way.

Has any of this been communicated with your DH’s siblings? Just wondering what they think if it?

Its clearly not about a house deposit, its about a mother who has apparently raised several children being coopted again to put in hours with yet more children that she didnt birth.
You know she will be the one to cop the harder work. Maybe just maybe, she is tired, or maybe she wants a life of her own now and thinks he is able to sort out childcare?
I see no reason why this woman should sacrifice her remaining years.