Dil pregnancy

[Bell501]

Hello
My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated.

Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire?

Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

THAT IS WHAT THE OP IS GOING TO DO!!

I am not missing anything.

Why can't the relationship, you know, develop and become closer? Now that there will be a little human being who is related by blood to both women? It's not rocket science!

Because it feels not genuine if you are only interested in someone once they can give you something ie grandchild.

From what you’ve said in your updates OP my best guess is that she is stressed / overwhelmed with pregnancy and her ongoing full time work and just doesn’t have the headspace / emotional capacity to deal with you right now. Don’t take it personally as it’s more a reflection of her, how she reacts and deals with things.

This 100%

Whatever.

If you put your opinions out there on open discussion forum then by default you're opening them up to responses. If those opinons are entertainingly oblivious to their own irony, especially when they're issuing queenly rebukes to other posters for their 'rude' behaviour, then it's hardly surprising that others will point that out. You've had no such qualms in taking others to task yourself, after all. This is what discussion boards do.

No matter how much you now claim you are being 'bullied', what you've experienced is merely others mirroring what you're giving out. Tone-policing is so irritating, don't you find?

@Runnerinthenight because it's fake and one person doesn't want it? It takes 2 people to have a relationship and a lot more than a few texts.

My ExMIL was so annoying. Needy, emotional, neurotic, had zero relationship with me outside of me being her DIL. I had zero interest in it. Everything went through her son. I was very nice to her and even went on family holidays but we had zero relationship. Luckily I left before we had kids but her suddenly texting me every week would have felt forced and added to my anxiety.

Current MIL? The loveliest person ever and yes, having their grandson has brought me and PIL closer. But there was an existing relationship. PIL are both just "normal" people. Not perfect, not overbearing, just normal people excited to be grandparents whose company I enjoy anyway!

So there is a dynamic here that we do not know about. We only know OP's story and honestly, if they weren't texting etc before, it's a bit forced to suddenly start a relationship at a time when DIL is juggling a lot.

I think you're missing the point somewhat.

It's not about it not being genuine, it's about a new baby giving them both a new "link" and something in common, and something to springboard a new relationship from.

It can be really hard forge a good relationship your in-laws, especially as you often have very little in common, so a new baby can be really helpful in forging those connections and helping build new relationships.

I talk to her in a group chat but it was more to show her I'm thinking of her. I also asked if she needed anything

Why only now that she's pregnant?

Again, because MIL's and DIL's often have very little in common and no real reason to speak often, but a baby means they suddenly have a blood "connection".

It's really very normal for grandparents to show an interest in their unborn grandchildren, and for the MIL/DIL relationship to get stronger and closer during pregnancy.

I know on MN everyone hates their MIL and they can't do anything right, but that's really not reflective of real life IMO.

@ricecrispiecakes yeah but the baby isn't here. Right now DIL is going through pregnancy. And if they didn't have a relationship before, DIL isn't exactly going to be texting her MIL to complain about constipation, peeing herself when vomiting, how jeans don't fit her etc., where to shop for maternity clothes. It's just forcing polite superficial conversations: "yes, everything is ok, yes it's a bit rough, yes everything is ok at work etc". Because there isn't any scope for real support there. And maybe DIL doesn't have the headspace for it.

I’m not missing anything.
I understand what you are saying and yes of course, it may work like that for some people. For some people won’t.
I understand why Dil may not want to form a relationship where there was previously none.

You say that as though polite conversation is a problem in this world.

Me and mil get on fine but don't have each others numbers and never directly communicate. I've known her a vv long time.

Nobody's expecting her to talk about things like that, though

The baby might not be here yet, but it's still normal for a grandparent to want to be involved and to get to know the woman who's going to be mother of their grandchild, surely?

There's a huge range of conversations to be had that aren't "polite and superficial" or discussing your peeing habits!

Seriously? Four texts in 5 weeks is too much?

OP. Belt up for a rocky ride. This is only the start of what’s to come. There’s apparently an unwritten rule book of what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour from a MIL. You will be kept at arms length, until the child is of an age when child care is needed. Then you’ll be begrudgingly allowed into your dil’s inner circle. But will also be provided with a new set of rules. She’s told you what she’s going to be like going forward. Believe her. Just communicate with your DS, and let him facilitate visits etc after baby is born. Don’t get involved with her drama/bullshit.

And IMO that's incredibly unkind behaviour, pregnant or not.

OP is going to her baby's grandma - choosing to shut her out and refusing to even have a basic conversation with her about the pregnancy or unborn baby is just unpleasant.

I'm sure I'll be shot down for saying it, but I think if you choose to have a baby, you need to accept that your in-laws are going to want to have a relationship with you (understandably) and that you have a responsibility to enable that relationship to some extent.

God, exactly.

It's not like OP is demanding an hour-long conversation via FaceTime, or insisting the DIL comes over for lunch every week - it's one bloody text message.

I'm not surprised so many people on here have issues with their family if they think it's acceptable to be so bloody rude and cold towards them.

I'm not surprised so many people on here have issues with their family if they think it's acceptable to be so bloody rude and cold towards them.

I don't think that DIL has been rude & cold.

Just because Op now wants a different (closer?) relationship doesn't mean that DIL has to fall in line.

She might be OK with the way things are & not want to change how things are.

I think it’s about control.

You see this all the time on these threads. Of course grandparents want to be involved. DIl’s know that. So when they have the GC tucked up in their belly they want to do the whole “ this is my show; do it my way” routine.

Normally once they are 8 months pregnant with the third, the second isn’t sleeping and the eldest has SEN and will only eat certain foods at certain temperatures they start posting that MIL has “ selfishly “ booked a holiday during the nursery break and don’t we think it’s awful she isn’t more involved. And of course most of MN does.

@Calliopespa @ricecrispiecakes so because DIL is pregnant, she must now make an effort with people that didn't make an effort with her before?

I think a lot of people here post based on their own life experience. My exMIL was the most annoying and self centered person in the world. My current MIL is lovely and normal. I would have made zero effort with exMIL if she suddenly started texting me, she has a son who could keep her up to date.

my current PILs? both absolute gems who welcomed me into the family straight away and made an effort. So I keep them updated on my pregnancy etc. They don't make me feel like an incubator, at all.

Relationships are a 2 way street. Trying to start one when one person is going through a massive life change is not the best time.

I talk to her on a family group quite often. More than once a week. I was just texting to check in if she was ok or needed anything doing as I have done that for all my DILs. I will respect her boundaries

Except it's not just about her anymore.

She's chosen to have a baby and babies aren't born into little bubbles.

Except it's not just about her anymore.

She's chosen to have a baby and babies aren't born into little bubbles.

That doesn't mean that she has to alter her relationship with her MIL.