Dil pregnancy

[Bell501]

Hello
My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated.

Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire?

Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

Why did they not want that relationship though before the baby?
Was the Dil “ not enough” as a person and only deserved their attention when becoming pregnant?
I’m all for building GENUINE relationship with in Laws.
Not the forced one that only serves as a bridge to a grandchild.
Also please consider that Dil might be dealing with a lot of issues Pil are nit aware of.
She might have had miscarriage before , be very anxious, have health issues. Quite understandably building relationship now with Mil who wasn’t interested before might not be one of her priorities
( as you can probably tell I’m quite heavily projecting my own experience here..)

I agree I've been more than nice patient consistent. This is also my son's. My babies child. I will bend over backwards to please my Dil. Which I've being doing,.,. If your not a mil yet hold tight...

You've done nothing wrong

Tbh, she sounds like a right difficult misery guts.

The flowers was a lovely gesture, marking a special occasion.

Honestly what is wrong with some people (your dil).

I am sure you will navigate this successfully. It sounds like you are sensitive to your DILs needs

I find it sad that some posters accuse you of treating her like an incubator when all you want to do is 'do the right thing' and you have taken on board all that moderate posters have said. You are going to be grandmother to this little baby after all !
Good luck with it all.

@Newhere5 but they do already have a relationship, just not a particularly close one - which is incredibly normal.

Very, very few in-law relationships happen naturally - you do have to force them at the beginning a little bit. There could be all sorts of reasons it's not happened before now, but that doesn't mean things can't change now that a new baby is coming 🤷‍♀️

You're trying to hide it but you're being quite unpleasant about your DIL now. I would've told quite a few posters not to talk about her how they have too (calling her a piece of work etc)

I don't blame OP in the least for not engaging with the more insulting posts which take issue with her personally. But it's noticable that posts which sympathise with how awful, rude, 'precious', etc., DiL is being have been met with thanks, whereas there is no interest in engaging with the kind of balanced posts which offer the most productive way forward for maintaining the in-law relationship.

It doesn't matter whether strangers on the www think a text a week is not too much. DiL thinks it is and these are the parameters which have to be worked with. All she has asked for is more space. This isn't unreasonable.

As for 'it's my son's baby too' - this is true, OP, but at this stage it's your DiL's body and your DiL's personal medical information we are talking about here. You're a mother yourself: you know this to be the case. This attitude is going to make itself known to her unless you are very careful.

In the end, though, it's your choice.

Couldn't agree more with this - it's also very obvious that the OP is only engaging with posters who tell her how lovely she is and how mean her DIL is being and not acknowledging any of the constructive feedback or suggestions she's getting as to why her DIL might not feel comfortable with what she's doing right now. It's starting to look like OP doesn't really like her DIL and is just looking for validation.

@CluelessInLondon of course she's not going to engage with people telling her she's awful - would you?!

What about the people who aren't saying she's awful but are trying to present what her DIL's perspective might be? There are plenty of those and she doesn't acknowledge any of them - why not, other than those people aren't validating her? The OP isn't showing any sign of recognising that there might be more going on for her DIL than she's thinking about - she's only thinking about her own interest in DIL's pregnancy.

I agree I've been more than nice patient consistent. This is also my son's. My babies child.

And DIL has asked you t talk to your son about the pregnancy so what's the problem?

Yes exactly. If OP really was bending over backwards to make DIL happy, she would listen to what she is saying and back off a bit. Not come online for validation that her DIL is awful and she's amazing and so kind etc etc.

Even if the DIL is being unreasonable, she's pregnant so stop stressing her out.

It also isn't just a text a week from you, she is probably getting the same from her family and friends, it can be overwhelming. I'm getting married soon and during a busy stressful period at work, I was getting so many messages asking - what flowers? what music? have you got this sorted yet?... Nice messages but I felt like I was being harassed every time my phone went. DIL probably feels the same so just do what she's asked and speak to your son

The question for me is, what was your relationship and interest in DIL like before she got pregnant? My MIL made it very clear that she was only interested in the baby. As soon as I was home with baby the phone calls started. She had never called me socially once in my life. Now she was calling me every single day wanting to talk about the baby. She had no interest in me. I just stopped answering the phone. I'd have loved a relationship with her but, to her, I seemed to be just an incubator. She could have played it so different.

Well imo anyone who acts the way the DIL is behaving is weird and rude! If she's feeling overwhelmed or anxious she could use her own words and actually tell her MIL what the problem is! Instead of behaving like a spoilt child and communicating through her husband! If people see this sort of behaviour as normal while saying that a MIL showing interest and concern is overwhelming and odd then its no wonder there are so many kids today with social and anxiety problems!

Also why is it a problem that any MIL is only interested in the baby? If you didn't have much in common before you got pregnant why would they suddenly be interested in you after you were pregnant? I would have thought it odd if my MIL wasn't interested in my child/ pregnancy but suddenly started pretending she was interested in my life!

I am a MIL. It might be your son's baby but, if your DIL is going to be the primary carer, how often you see the child is likely going to come down to your relationship with her (unless you are a childcare provider for her too). I suggest building a relationship with your DIL (and her as a person, not just the mother of the baby you are interested in). I wouldn't have had a problem with flowers but she's told you to communicate with your son, so show her you can respect that.

I think relationships can change with a pregnancy and even if there wasn't common ground before, there can be now.

DIL will notice the change if her MIL wasn't interested (or was dismissive or clearly not interested) before. Nothing like feeling like a means to an end. I'd have been happy to develop a relationship with my MIL but her treating me like a barrier to the baby and of no interest other than as an incubator didn't allow that.

If you didn't make this much effort before she was pregnant then don't change the dynamic JUST because she's pregnant now. I would also prepare yourself for the fact that it's unlikely they will see you more once baby comes along if that effort wasn't made prior.

Agree.
Rude even. She might be a granny one day.

I would have loved this. Mine wasn’t interested at all. We are never happy are we lol!

Just think this through @Bell501

She gets a text. What does she reply? Fine thanks? All good?
What's the point of that?

Or the text arrives and she's just had some bad news about the pregnancy. Do you want to hear it by text.

Stop sending her meaningless texts, it would drive me bonkers.

Given that I've so far spent 4 years trying for a baby with 3 losses, I'd give anything to be in a position where someone is dropping off flowers and asking how my pregnancy is going,.and I'm.a private person too. But we are all different and maybe she is overwhelmed at the moment.

How far on is she ?
if she is in early stages? She may be anxious and not want to think about it or talk about it until she is in a safer zone.

I wish my in-laws give a shit about me -in fact scratch that I'm glad I have nothing to do with them. They are scum.