Page 6 | Dil pregnancy

Bell501 · 2024-07-15T14:08:42+00:00

Hello My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated. Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire? Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

CactusMactus · 15/07/2024 17:11

Sometimes MIL's can't do right for doing wrong (or whatever that saying is!)

Take her lead... it's not you.

sunshinelollipopz · 15/07/2024 17:12

You haven't done anything wrong to except be lovely and many would love the fuss over them but from her perspective it could feel like 'now you have my grandchild I'll be extra nice because you have something I want and value'. You say you were civil which suggests this is new fawning, but kindness and loveliness should be a continuation of behaviour before, not introduced because she's pregnant with your grandchild

boredsoscrollingonMNagain · 15/07/2024 17:12

Honestly the attitudes on here make me worried about having sons and not being able to be involved in the babies life and being seen as overbearing for wanting any kind of interaction ! That’s on the basis of what OP has said .

4 text messages in 5 weeks and she’s being accused of being overbearing ?? That’s insane . I disagree and would actually say it’s very rude of DIL to not even send a polite reply , especially after the gift ( which is not overbearing it’s actually very thoughtful ) . Also wanting her DP to send updates sounds like she’s saying she wants no contact .

However, I would say that firstly - is there any more to this story ? Have you been accused of being overbearing before ? Have a think as to whether you might have , inadvertently? You say she’s a private person- does she struggle with interaction ? As there is being private and then there is struggling with interaction and having anxiety . You must understand that if this is the case , then a pregnancy is going to make that anxiety worse .

Ultimately - and I would have to think this as a MIL myself ( I’m not now , mine are young ) - the priority here is mother and baby. If this is her first child , it’s a scary and anxiety filled time. There may not be just you , there may be others who are also wanting updates etc and that can be overwhelming. She needs to be calm , because if she isn’t then baby isn’t. Try to be mindful that this is her first time and even if it isn’t , it’s still a difficult time . Make it known through DP that you would love to be a support to her , if she needed or wanted it , but try to take a step back . Based on what you have said it doesn’t sound as if you have done anything wrong , so just play it by ear … obviously , if baby came and you were being kept at arms length then maybe a chat with your son may be needed but try to not put any pressure and be understanding .

Peonies12 · 15/07/2024 17:14

ForeverRose · 15/07/2024 16:00

OP, you sound lovely and your DIL sounds like an absolute weirdo.

One text a week to enquire how she’s doing is not being overbearing, it’s called being caring and interested, dropping flowers round to a female relative is not ‘creeping around outside someone’s house’ as someone else on here so nicely put it it’s being thoughtful.

No doubt she’ll be one of those that won’t let anyone set foot in their home to see the baby for the first 8 weeks or something too.
And yet I read thread after thread on here about people with ILs that won’t do free childcare, or moaning about lack of a support system.

Nowt as queer as folk!!

This is so rude. Maybe the DIL has had a miscarriage before, and is struggling emotionally. I hated having to reply to messages in my pregnancy, I was so anxious having had a miscarriage before.

diddl · 15/07/2024 17:15

4 text messages in 5 weeks and she’s being accused of being overbearing ??

It's perhaps quite a bit if you're not used to that many.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/07/2024 17:18

How often did you contact her before? If you didn’t contact her weekly before, then it is weird for you to do so now, just because she is pregnant. What would have been acceptable:

one text to say congrats and how is she feeling
flowers
maybe a further reply if she contacted you about the flowers

You have been very overbearing but good news - there is still time to rein it in! Maybe try inviting them for lunch or something soon and just keep your regular contact with your DS. Otherwise you will totally alienate her before baby even arrives.

Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 17:19

Peonies12 · 15/07/2024 15:15

Given you know she's a private person, that's excessive texting, and I would find getting random flowers quite weird. She might be finding the pregnancy tough, physically and/or mentally.

But isn’t that a good reason to appreciate some flowers? You traditionally send flowers for either celebration or sympathy. They are ephemeral: you don’t have to keep them for more than a matter of days if they aren’t exactly what you’d have chosen. I think they are a lovely gesture. I just think there are a lot of miserable touchy types these days who like to moan regardless.

HooverTheRoof · 15/07/2024 17:19

My mil never bothered with me until I got pregnant. Then she suddenly started messaging me. To be honest it felt disingenuous, she wasn't interested in me, only the baby. It made me feel a bit like an incubator to be honest. I didn't say anything because I knew she was excited and she has a great relationship with them now which is the main thing. At the time it was annoying.

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 15/07/2024 17:20

Remember this when she is begging you to baby sit in a few years time.

rainydays03 · 15/07/2024 17:21

IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/07/2024 15:27

It really does sound like you've just misjudged this one a little. Tell your DS to please apologise to her for you and that you'll happily be guided by them and you're looking forward to seeing them next month/week/whatever you next have planned.

why would she need to apologise? it’s not her fault her DIL can’t be grateful for some flowers or a few texts ffs

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 15/07/2024 17:21

HooverTheRoof · 15/07/2024 17:19

My mil never bothered with me until I got pregnant. Then she suddenly started messaging me. To be honest it felt disingenuous, she wasn't interested in me, only the baby. It made me feel a bit like an incubator to be honest. I didn't say anything because I knew she was excited and she has a great relationship with them now which is the main thing. At the time it was annoying.

This is exactly it. It’s the transition from not being super close to suddenly expecting weekly contact just because she is carrying the woman’s grandchild. It’s rude. Yes, send a message of congrats and flowers is lovely but weekly texts (when you don’t already have that type of relationship) is a bit much imo.

Skinglow · 15/07/2024 17:22

4 messages and some flowers over 5 weeks is not OTT. Your DiL sounds a bit precious to me. I hope she thanked you for the flowers.

Despair1 · 15/07/2024 17:24

pontipinemum · 15/07/2024 15:39

I think you sound lovely, and what you have with your other DIL is more like how I am with my MIL, I call around to her at least once a week normally. She sends me random pictures she finds on the internet.

It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, but I'd back off. Let her text if she wants and no more gifts. Get updates from your son

Ditto, take care OP.You sound lovely

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 17:27

greenpolarbear · 15/07/2024 15:51

That's clearly not true since you were creeping around outside her house without an invitation.

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Don't be so bloody ridiculous! You don't need an invitation to drop off flowers!!

@Bell501 You sound thoughtful and generous and she sounds like an ungracious piece of work. I can imagine there will be a ream of rules to be followed when the baby gets here, if she is like this now. How hard is it to answer a text?!

MillyNair · 15/07/2024 17:28

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:14

Thanks for your reply. I've seen them about three times this year. I have visited them twice and they have came once I really don't intrude and would text before calling.

Don't worry. You sound really lovely. Her actions are actually rude, but just suck it up and leave her to it.

I don't think you have been over the top. You wouldn't have sent so many texts if she had answered you, but now I would leave her to it. It will all be fine.

Original poster

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 17:29

Despair1 · 15/07/2024 17:24

Ditto, take care OP.You sound lovely

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Thank you x

OP posts:

Lifeomars · 15/07/2024 17:30

You sound lovely and she is lucky to have someone caring and sensitive as her MIL.

Original poster

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 17:31

Lifeomars · 15/07/2024 17:30

You sound lovely and she is lucky to have someone caring and sensitive as her MIL.

Thank you x

OP posts:

Original poster

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 17:35

sunshinelollipopz · 15/07/2024 17:12

You haven't done anything wrong to except be lovely and many would love the fuss over them but from her perspective it could feel like 'now you have my grandchild I'll be extra nice because you have something I want and value'. You say you were civil which suggests this is new fawning, but kindness and loveliness should be a continuation of behaviour before, not introduced because she's pregnant with your grandchild

Civil was maybe the wrong word! We were pleasant to each other.

OP posts:

DappledThings · 15/07/2024 17:39

MillyNair · 15/07/2024 17:28

Don't worry. You sound really lovely. Her actions are actually rude, but just suck it up and leave her to it.

I don't think you have been over the top. You wouldn't have sent so many texts if she had answered you, but now I would leave her to it. It will all be fine.

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She did reply. How has she been rude? She hasn't been effusive but she's replied politely.

BlackStrayCat · 15/07/2024 17:41

You sound so lovely.
Flowers were lovely.
4 texts in 5 weeks is nothing.

Some people get a bit precious when pregnant. Some do not. You got a nice balance so as to not offend either way.

Just do you now. Message from DIL received!!!

Joleyne · 15/07/2024 17:41

You do sound lovely but, if your DIL is a very private person, I expect your enthusiasm is scaring her!
Neither of you are wrong, you are just different people.

I think you should do as she asks and go through your son. He's used to you and will know you mean no harm at all. Tell him that, though you'd love to be more involved, you respect her feelings and you want to give her the space she needs.
Believe me, she'll appreciate your consideration far more than your texts!

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 17:42

NoDishiRishi · 15/07/2024 16:10

I think in our family we tend to tell people once the situation has been resolved 😂 @IdLikeToBeAFraser - we're not very close 😁

That's unusual.

diddl · 15/07/2024 17:42

I don't think DIL has been rude at all.

It seems more than likely that she is happy enough to keep the relationship as it is & wants no "extra" due to being pregnant.

BlackStrayCat · 15/07/2024 17:43

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 17:27

Don't be so bloody ridiculous! You don't need an invitation to drop off flowers!!

@Bell501 You sound thoughtful and generous and she sounds like an ungracious piece of work. I can imagine there will be a ream of rules to be followed when the baby gets here, if she is like this now. How hard is it to answer a text?!

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... she is the type to think you will be grateful for babysitting duties!