Dil pregnancy

[Bell501]

Hello
My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated.

Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire?

Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

It was g 4 texts a day; it was four texts over 5 weeks. That’s less than one a week.

Wasn't it 4 texts in 5 weeks - I don't think that is excessive at all.

Oops cross post!

No I wouldn't have text her that often just now and again. We have a family group that we would all add into. I will do as she asked and ask my son every month or so.

I don't even have my MIL phone number and haven't texted in 30+ years. Not my mother so not up to me to contact them (or reply) I'd find it seriously weird to start getting texts or calls from them.

I really am not lol I say I'm here if needed/ wanted and wait to be asked apart from if I'm babysitting I do up the dishes if there was any 🙂

I felt absolutely awful when pregnant but was trying to keep a happy spin on it but when people kept asking me how I was doing it actually made that harder to do because in reality I was super sick, in pain and bleeding and had gd. I didn't want to focus on any of that I just wanted to get through it! She might be having a tough time and not want to have to give updates. Dh is from a very close knit family and I love my in laws but I'd find a weekly text a little much and tbh it made me feel obligated to tell them what was happening and then that travelled to the wider family through fil so I was being asked follow up questions by aunts and uncles I didn't know well about health issues I was still figuring out...

I'd try to treat her like normal and just make it clear that you care and you're there to support her whatever that looks like to her. Just give her a little space to figure it out. I don't think she's awful the way some posters have said, she's just a very different personality type to your other dil as you've mentioned.

Pregnancy makes me feel anxious, she may be feeling anxious or worried and this is her way of coping. Give her some space and check in with your son to see if there’s anything you can do to help.

It's so hard, sometimes you can't do right for doing wrong. She may feel like you're only interested because of the baby, she may be completely preocupied with other things, she may be worrying about her job/health/relationship, she may be really scared and trying not to think about it.

I loved hearing from my MIL, but I know that her other DIL doesn't have any direct contact with her and they are not so close - nothing has happened between them, they're just very different (and a much bigger age gap between her and MIL than between me and MIL). There's no right or wrong way apart from being respectful.

I think just communicate with your DS now, say that you're over the moon and so happy for them, you'd love to hear any and all updates as and when there are any to be shared and leave it at that. And a text to your DS every once in a while if you've not heard anything.

I find this SO weird. Why on earth would you not have your MIL's number? What happens if your DH is hit by a bus or she can't reach him in an emergency?

MIL didn't have my number for a while. I didn't even realise because of course, day to day, it's DH's responsibility to deal with her. But when I found out I was very upset. I didn't mind she wasn't calling me. I DID mind that if she needed to she couldn't. And in fact, a year later, someone very close to DH died and MIL couldn't get hold of DH and had to ring me and I was so pleased that I was able to rush to where I knew DH was to support him instead of him having to wait to get a bloody voice mail from his mother.

That's clearly not true since you were creeping around outside her house without an invitation.

Mine is on social media and lives 6 hours away so I don't really see a need for us to trade phone numbers.

In fact when things happen it's normally a general post on social media I see it, even for things like fires.

I would take it as a good sign she will let you know what works for her (though she could have perhaps been a bit more polite about it.

Different people want and need different things. I don’t think you did anything wrong but I would adapt a bit given her feedback.

You sound lovely OP, I don’t think you’ve done anything ‘wrong’ I think it is just a case of different personalities. 4texts over 5 weeks is not a lot but if you think about it, with you not sending regular texts before then, your DIL will notice a difference and realistically if you’re asking how she is, there’s likely very little in the way of an update she can give.

The flowers were a lovely idea and I’d have loved that from my MIL. But the flowers plus the 4 texts probably could feel a bit much for her. I remember when I was pregnant, we told our parents at 6 weeks and PIL got a gift for the baby and DH and I thanked them but said we didnt want to get anything further for the baby (meaning both ourselves and others) till later on. We said we were so pleased to be expecting, but had told them so they would understand if I wasn’t feeling well and if something went wrong we wanted to be able to come to them if we needed any support.

Part of the reason for me thinking this was is that a friend had lost her baby at 20 weeks and therefore I wanted to wait until later on in the pregnancy before buying things. I just had a weird feeling of it almost jinxing the pregnancy? I know that doesn’t even logically make sense! The reason I’m mentioning it is that there could be all sorts going on in your DIL’s head that you may not be aware of, and that she might not even be able to explain to you even if she wanted to

I would lay off the messages and just keep in touch with your DS regarding the pregnancy for now and then see how things go.

How early on the pregnancy is she? I would find it odd if mil messaged me weekly suddenly when pregnant when she didn't before. She could be anxious and messaging her and people making a fuss might just fuel it. Just ask how she is when you see her/speak to them. There is very little to update on when pregnant and I had a very straight forward one so my updates weekly would have been "I'm fine. no change" Would have driven me bonkers if someone asked me weekly even if it was coming from a good place. If she is having a tough time she is unlikely to respond "not great. Threw up my breakfast this morning, back aches, leg cramp is a killer and my feet are getting too swollen to fit in my shoes."

We are Irish if that makes a difference. We don't usually have to arrange a visit and can pop into a friend's house without an invitation and my home is always open to friends and family.

You sound like a lovely MIL. I know I felt awful early pregnancy emotional, off food, not sleeping, so she might feel like the extra contact is additional pressure. Try not to it personally.

Unless there’s some kind of backstory…I get she’s a private person but think she’s being pretty rude to be honest especially if she didn’t reply to your texts. A simple response would be sufficient! And people wonder why they have such fractured relationships with their in laws sometimes 😵‍💫

Thank you I won't. That's probably it. This is her first baby so it could be any number of things

Mine lives on the other side of the planet. Feels like even MORE reason to need a number - I'd hate to think that in the case of an emergency I can't reach her or vice versa and while I don't manage the relationship on a day to day basis, I'd be horrified if she needed something desperately and couldn't reach DH but couldn't call me.

But each to their own I guess.

OP said that she texted her other DIL 4 times a day when she was pregnant

She said her other DIL text her 4 times a day with baby updates.

I think that sounds perfectly sensible. I know I was driven slightly mad by continual well-meant texts from both SILs when I was pregnant. They had never worked since marriage, and appeared to treat pregnancy as if it were my FT job, whereas I had a demanding professional job, was commuting by plane, and was trying to get a big project finished before I had to go on mat leave after I couldn’t fly any more, and honestly, it often felt as if they were giving far more thought to my pregnancy than I was. It just got very jarring to get texts about baby names and whether I was going to have a baby shower when I’d just come out of a four-hour meeting in the middle of the working day.

No back story that's why I needed advise. She did respond with I'm feeling ok ect short and sweet

No, her other DIL text the OP four times a day I think. I mean she may have of course replied.