Page 10 | Dil pregnancy

Bell501 · 2024-07-15T14:08:42+00:00

Hello My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated. Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire? Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 19:45

BigCuteBaby567 · 15/07/2024 19:40

@Calliopespa @ricecrispiecakes so because DIL is pregnant, she must now make an effort with people that didn't make an effort with her before?

I think a lot of people here post based on their own life experience. My exMIL was the most annoying and self centered person in the world. My current MIL is lovely and normal. I would have made zero effort with exMIL if she suddenly started texting me, she has a son who could keep her up to date.

my current PILs? both absolute gems who welcomed me into the family straight away and made an effort. So I keep them updated on my pregnancy etc. They don't make me feel like an incubator, at all.

Relationships are a 2 way street. Trying to start one when one person is going through a massive life change is not the best time.

Where are you getting the idea that OP never made an effort before?

I'm not going off my own experiences either, I barely had anything in common with my late MIL but I was still polite enough to maintain a friendly relationship with her - and would have had the decency to send her the odd text about her unborn grandchild without insisting her DS dealt with it instead.

I disagree completely that this isn't the best time, I think it's the ideal time to try and make amends (if there are any) or to try and curate some kind of friendship for the sake of the new baby.

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 19:46

diddl · 15/07/2024 19:44

Except it's not just about her anymore.

She's chosen to have a baby and babies aren't born into little bubbles.

That doesn't mean that she has to alter her relationship with her MIL.

Well, of course she doesn't have to do anything, but she can't expect her actions not to come with consequences down the line if she chooses to behave in such an unkind manner 🤷‍♀️

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 15/07/2024 19:48

For what it's worth, I think you sound like a lovely MIL. Congrats on your happy news

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 19:48

Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 19:39

I think it’s about control.

You see this all the time on these threads. Of course grandparents want to be involved. DIl’s know that. So when they have the GC tucked up in their belly they want to do the whole “ this is my show; do it my way” routine.

Normally once they are 8 months pregnant with the third, the second isn’t sleeping and the eldest has SEN and will only eat certain foods at certain temperatures they start posting that MIL has “ selfishly “ booked a holiday during the nursery break and don’t we think it’s awful she isn’t more involved. And of course most of MN does.

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Yep, exactly.

It's a different story altogether when MIL doesn't drop everything to provide childcare, or won't do overnights to allow them to have a date night

Original poster

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 19:51

AlwaysFoldingWashing · 15/07/2024 19:48

For what it's worth, I think you sound like a lovely MIL. Congrats on your happy news

Thank you x

OP posts:

diddl · 15/07/2024 19:51

It's a different story altogether when MIL doesn't drop everything to provide childcare, or won't do overnights to allow them to have a date night

They might not want either of those things from Op!

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 19:56

diddl · 15/07/2024 19:51

It's a different story altogether when MIL doesn't drop everything to provide childcare, or won't do overnights to allow them to have a date night

They might not want either of those things from Op!

Well, they don't know how they'll find parenthood as the baby isn't even here yet, so how do they know what they will or won't want in 2-3 years time?

It's very easy to say they won't want childcare or support, but give it a few years of sleepless nights and she may very well be singing a different tune.

But if she wants to be foolish and not make an effort with her unborn baby's grandparent, that's on her I guess. Hopefully she doesn't regret it in the future.

Ellie525 · 15/07/2024 19:58

I don't think either of you are wrong particularly!
There might be all sorts going on in her head that you aren't privy too, or even her relationship with your DS maybe she wants him to do some heavy lifting/mental load family wise or he expects her to do all the family contact stuff, maybe she's nervous about thr baby and how it will change dynamics, maybe your DS has come on strong telling her how much you will babysit and she is feeling a bit vulnerable/nervous about boundaries... theres all sorts that could be going on with her and them that are nothing to do with your gestures so try not to take them to heart at this early stage :)

Even the best Mil/Dil relationships change and evolve when babies come but hopefully it all comes good in the end!

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 20:09

BigCuteBaby567 · 15/07/2024 19:18

@Runnerinthenight because it's fake and one person doesn't want it? It takes 2 people to have a relationship and a lot more than a few texts.

My ExMIL was so annoying. Needy, emotional, neurotic, had zero relationship with me outside of me being her DIL. I had zero interest in it. Everything went through her son. I was very nice to her and even went on family holidays but we had zero relationship. Luckily I left before we had kids but her suddenly texting me every week would have felt forced and added to my anxiety.

Current MIL? The loveliest person ever and yes, having their grandson has brought me and PIL closer. But there was an existing relationship. PIL are both just "normal" people. Not perfect, not overbearing, just normal people excited to be grandparents whose company I enjoy anyway!

So there is a dynamic here that we do not know about. We only know OP's story and honestly, if they weren't texting etc before, it's a bit forced to suddenly start a relationship at a time when DIL is juggling a lot.

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It's not coming across as fake to me... the OP says they have a pleasant relationship, and that's a start?

I also had an annoying MIL. Rang about 3 times a week. I was usually unfortunate enough to be the one to answer the phone - until eventually we got caller display!! - and all she did was fucking moan. The rare occasion she came to our house she sat on her arse and got waited on. She had not a lot of interest in our children - she really didn't know them - but idolised SIL's child who is the youngest of the four GC. Minded him, picked him up from school, had him for weekends so they could go away. Had our three for one hour in 15 years. Went away long-haul once for 3 months and brought presents. I got a tea towel and a Tesco bottle of wine...

.So pardon me if I think the OP's behaviour was in no way "intrusive"!

BigCuteBaby567 · 15/07/2024 20:14

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 19:45

Where are you getting the idea that OP never made an effort before?

I'm not going off my own experiences either, I barely had anything in common with my late MIL but I was still polite enough to maintain a friendly relationship with her - and would have had the decency to send her the odd text about her unborn grandchild without insisting her DS dealt with it instead.

I disagree completely that this isn't the best time, I think it's the ideal time to try and make amends (if there are any) or to try and curate some kind of friendship for the sake of the new baby.

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@ricecrispiecakes I don't necessarily disagree with you. It's more that I think it's personality dependant and there's a lot to family dynamics. And a pregnancy throws so much into the mix, DIL should be cut some slack. OP made it clear she's there, leave it for now, and DIL can (and likely will) come round. Maybe I am biased because my first trimester was SO HARD and I had so much on my plate, I can see myself react that way to MIL if we weren't already very friendly.

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 20:15

Newhere5 · 15/07/2024 19:24

I’m not missing anything.
I understand what you are saying and yes of course, it may work like that for some people. For some people won’t.
I understand why Dil may not want to form a relationship where there was previously none.

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What makes you think there was "no relationship"? They're on the family WhatsApp for a start so DIL must be comfortable enough with that!

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 20:21

SerafinasGoose · 15/07/2024 19:15

If you put your opinions out there on open discussion forum then by default you're opening them up to responses. If those opinons are entertainingly oblivious to their own irony, especially when they're issuing queenly rebukes to other posters for their 'rude' behaviour, then it's hardly surprising that others will point that out. You've had no such qualms in taking others to task yourself, after all. This is what discussion boards do.

No matter how much you now claim you are being 'bullied', what you've experienced is merely others mirroring what you're giving out. Tone-policing is so irritating, don't you find?

Edited

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No. Patronising is much more irritating, n'est ce pas?

SerafinasGoose · 15/07/2024 20:23

Ellie525 · 15/07/2024 19:58

I don't think either of you are wrong particularly!
There might be all sorts going on in her head that you aren't privy too, or even her relationship with your DS maybe she wants him to do some heavy lifting/mental load family wise or he expects her to do all the family contact stuff, maybe she's nervous about thr baby and how it will change dynamics, maybe your DS has come on strong telling her how much you will babysit and she is feeling a bit vulnerable/nervous about boundaries... theres all sorts that could be going on with her and them that are nothing to do with your gestures so try not to take them to heart at this early stage :)

Even the best Mil/Dil relationships change and evolve when babies come but hopefully it all comes good in the end!

Also my view.

There doesn't have to be one Big Bad Monster and one Good Guy, as per the polarised views on this thread. It's a simple matter of compromise, and I think you've been the first on the thread to point out the other small matter of wifework/family admin - the bane of so many women's lives as evidenced on this site.

DS/DiL might have an agreed way of doing things. It's also normal to feel a bit overwhelmed in early pregnancy with such a huge life-change on the horizon.

It's a question of adjusting, and allowing the evolving of relationships to happen at a natural, comfortable pace.

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 20:24

ricecrispiecakes · 15/07/2024 19:31

And IMO that's incredibly unkind behaviour, pregnant or not.

OP is going to her baby's grandma - choosing to shut her out and refusing to even have a basic conversation with her about the pregnancy or unborn baby is just unpleasant.

I'm sure I'll be shot down for saying it, but I think if you choose to have a baby, you need to accept that your in-laws are going to want to have a relationship with you (understandably) and that you have a responsibility to enable that relationship to some extent.

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I completely agree with you and I just don't know what is actually wrong with some people!

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 20:26

Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 19:39

I think it’s about control.

You see this all the time on these threads. Of course grandparents want to be involved. DIl’s know that. So when they have the GC tucked up in their belly they want to do the whole “ this is my show; do it my way” routine.

Normally once they are 8 months pregnant with the third, the second isn’t sleeping and the eldest has SEN and will only eat certain foods at certain temperatures they start posting that MIL has “ selfishly “ booked a holiday during the nursery break and don’t we think it’s awful she isn’t more involved. And of course most of MN does.

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Well said!

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 20:27

diddl · 15/07/2024 19:44

Except it's not just about her anymore.

She's chosen to have a baby and babies aren't born into little bubbles.

That doesn't mean that she has to alter her relationship with her MIL.

Well let's hope then she never needs her support.

millymoo1202 · 15/07/2024 20:30

Aren’t people weird, she’ll be
moaning in a year that her MIL isn’t interested etc etc

humberlumber · 15/07/2024 20:35

Haven't read the full thread

I think this is rude and unnecessary behaviour. One text a week is not intrusive. I think the world is a very strange place when a mother in law cannot send kind messages to her daughter in law. Bonkers to say this was excessive

Nothing to be done about it other than respect the boundaries. But don't go away feeling you were out of line

Do the people who said this was overkill actually like or love the other people in their lives? People are so quick to hurt others with no care.

albatrossjoe · 15/07/2024 20:43

Hi OP,
This might not be what's happening at your end but thought I'd share my experience if it helps.

I'm also quite a private person, had a perfectly cordial relationship with my MiL, and my SiL had already had a baby. (The similarities that nudged me to post!)

So when I was pregnant I found out quite early on that I had a bicornuate uterus. Even though this isn't my fault at all (obviously!) with all the hormones I felt like I'd already failed as a mother in not being able to provide a good enough home to grow a baby in. I was also being sick every day and felt like a wreck. I'd wanted a baby for so long, but pregnancy was nothing like I'd imagined or hoped it would be and every day felt like a nausea riddled anxiety train. My SiL had been quite open in how amazing she found pregnancy and definitely had the glow. I (rightly or wrongly) felt like I was being compared as MiL was always quick to tell me how SiL was at my stage.

I completely believe my MiL was trying to be kind and interested in my pregnancy but I found it all rather overwhelming. Like you, we didn't message much beforehand but suddenly it was weekly update requests and asking (well-meaning) personal questions about my body and my health that I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Maybe this is how your DiL is feeling as she tries to navigate her body and whole life changing. It might not be personal, maybe she just wants everyone to respect her position as a private person and not (like so many women experience) feel that growing a baby means people have a right to know more about your body than your comfortable to share.

Original poster

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 20:48

albatrossjoe · 15/07/2024 20:43

Hi OP,
This might not be what's happening at your end but thought I'd share my experience if it helps.

I'm also quite a private person, had a perfectly cordial relationship with my MiL, and my SiL had already had a baby. (The similarities that nudged me to post!)

So when I was pregnant I found out quite early on that I had a bicornuate uterus. Even though this isn't my fault at all (obviously!) with all the hormones I felt like I'd already failed as a mother in not being able to provide a good enough home to grow a baby in. I was also being sick every day and felt like a wreck. I'd wanted a baby for so long, but pregnancy was nothing like I'd imagined or hoped it would be and every day felt like a nausea riddled anxiety train. My SiL had been quite open in how amazing she found pregnancy and definitely had the glow. I (rightly or wrongly) felt like I was being compared as MiL was always quick to tell me how SiL was at my stage.

I completely believe my MiL was trying to be kind and interested in my pregnancy but I found it all rather overwhelming. Like you, we didn't message much beforehand but suddenly it was weekly update requests and asking (well-meaning) personal questions about my body and my health that I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Maybe this is how your DiL is feeling as she tries to navigate her body and whole life changing. It might not be personal, maybe she just wants everyone to respect her position as a private person and not (like so many women experience) feel that growing a baby means people have a right to know more about your body than your comfortable to share.

Thank you that is something to keep to mind x

OP posts:

outdamnedspots · 15/07/2024 21:01

Blimey, you can't do right for doing wrong! Taking round flowers was lovely. Texting once a week to ask how your DIL is doing is not OTT at all.

It sounds like perhaps you don't see that much of your ds and DIL - three times this year? Is that their choice?

Shennie100 · 15/07/2024 21:02

Seriously? Four texts in 5 weeks is too much?

It depends what they say and how they are worded.

For instance- "Congratulations! I hope you feel well. Let me know if you need anything "

Would feel a lot less intrusive than direct questions, like "how are you?" Or "any updates?" Particularly to someone private. It can feel quite demanding.

diddl · 15/07/2024 21:18

I think that 4 texts in 5 wks can seem a lot when it's someone who you usually only have contact with in a group chat.

I think it's fine for her to let your son keep you informed.

Runnerinthenight · 15/07/2024 21:28

albatrossjoe · 15/07/2024 20:43

Hi OP,
This might not be what's happening at your end but thought I'd share my experience if it helps.

I'm also quite a private person, had a perfectly cordial relationship with my MiL, and my SiL had already had a baby. (The similarities that nudged me to post!)

So when I was pregnant I found out quite early on that I had a bicornuate uterus. Even though this isn't my fault at all (obviously!) with all the hormones I felt like I'd already failed as a mother in not being able to provide a good enough home to grow a baby in. I was also being sick every day and felt like a wreck. I'd wanted a baby for so long, but pregnancy was nothing like I'd imagined or hoped it would be and every day felt like a nausea riddled anxiety train. My SiL had been quite open in how amazing she found pregnancy and definitely had the glow. I (rightly or wrongly) felt like I was being compared as MiL was always quick to tell me how SiL was at my stage.

I completely believe my MiL was trying to be kind and interested in my pregnancy but I found it all rather overwhelming. Like you, we didn't message much beforehand but suddenly it was weekly update requests and asking (well-meaning) personal questions about my body and my health that I didn't feel comfortable sharing. Maybe this is how your DiL is feeling as she tries to navigate her body and whole life changing. It might not be personal, maybe she just wants everyone to respect her position as a private person and not (like so many women experience) feel that growing a baby means people have a right to know more about your body than your comfortable to share.

Just noticed your post about having a bircornuate uterus - I also have one apparently, but I never found out until I had already had two babies and two miscarriages, before my 5th pregnancy! Never did my children any harm - they were all between 8 and a half and 9 and a half pounds when they were born at 38 weeks!

albatrossjoe · 15/07/2024 21:44

@Runnerinthenight I had it drilled into me that due to my uterus I was at risk of premature labour and small baby... Ended up having an induction at 42+1 with DS, he very much did not want to come out! 😅🤦🏻‍♀️