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Original poster

Dil pregnancy

274 replies

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:08

Hello
My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated.

Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire?

Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/07/2024 15:10

Weekly texts to ask about the pregnancy would irritate me from my own mother, never mind MIL! I'm sure you mean well, but that's got to be annoying as hell.

it sounds like you all live relatively close by so surely it can just naturally come up when you get together anyway? How often do you see them? Do you have a tendenc to want to spend more time with them/get more from them than they want?

Original poster
Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:10

The gift was flowers

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 15/07/2024 15:11

I think you've been OTT and I'm not surprised she is backing off, wanting some distance.

VerasMacAndHat · 15/07/2024 15:11

I think she's just clarifying how she feels. Everyone is different and it doesn't mean you have upset her, just that she would prefer not to have ongoing questions about her health.

GodspeedJune · 15/07/2024 15:12

Has she replied to your 4 messages?

I think you should take a huge step back. She’s told you what she needs - for her DP to update you and no fuss. Your well wishes could be upsetting her for any manner of reasons; she could have complications that are making her worried she’ll miscarry. She could be feeling very unwell in early pregnancy. Maybe the pregnancy wasn’t planned and she needs time to get her head around it.

Just leave her be.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/07/2024 15:12

She is a private person

You know this so act accordingly. Ask your son how she is occasionally and leave it at that.

Maddy70 · 15/07/2024 15:13

Yes too much. Leave her alone. Treat her as you normally do as a friend not as a grandchild provider

Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 15:13

She sounds like a right irritable pain but some women get odd when pregnant - especially towards their mil.

You’ve shown you are caring and interested now so I think probably wisest to just step right back. But I think you did nothing wrong.

Original poster
Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:14

Thanks for your reply. I've seen them about three times this year. I have visited them twice and they have came once I really don't intrude and would text before calling.

OP posts:
Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 15:14

Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:10

The gift was flowers

I’d have loved that from my mil.

Lochroy · 15/07/2024 15:15

Ooh. You need to tone it down. If you're like this now, what on earth will you be like when the baby arrives? (And even if you don't think you're too intense, or won't become MORE intense, that's not the impression you're giving off).

Did you used to text weekly? Just maintain status quo, and then things can build gradually AT HER INSTIGATION.

Peonies12 · 15/07/2024 15:15

Given you know she's a private person, that's excessive texting, and I would find getting random flowers quite weird. She might be finding the pregnancy tough, physically and/or mentally.

WhereIsMyLight · 15/07/2024 15:15

A text update every week with someone you have a civil relationship with is a lot. I’m close to my MIL and I’d have been irritated at a text every week. Also, what is she meant to say at this early stage? Still nauseous and bloated but I no longer want to vomit on Dan in the office when he has tuna 👍

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 15/07/2024 15:15

It doesn't sound like you've upset her necessarily. If she's a private person maybe she just can't handle being the centre of attention and it makes her uncomfortable. Maybe everyone congratulating her on the baby is a bit overwhelming. I think you should back off a bit but try not to take it personally. She probably doesn't enjoy this level of attention from anyone. I doubt it's just you.

squashyhat · 15/07/2024 15:17

Waiting for the DIL's post about her overbearing MIL in 9 months time...

Original poster
Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:24

My other Dil would text me about four times a day with her baby updates 😃 I thought four texts in five weeks was keeping it chilled as I knew she was a different kind of girl. I try to be fair
Thank you for the advice

OP posts:
IdLikeToBeAFraser · 15/07/2024 15:27

It really does sound like you've just misjudged this one a little. Tell your DS to please apologise to her for you and that you'll happily be guided by them and you're looking forward to seeing them next month/week/whatever you next have planned.

heartbroken22 · 15/07/2024 15:28

Probably not coping well with the pregnancy.

I had hyperemesis when I was pregnant. Learnt from the first two times that if u was to get through it I don't want anyone to acknowledge I was pregnant because for some reason mentally I'd get more sick and want to give up.

Leave off for some time and don't mention it. Only talk about it when she wants too maybe 20-22 weeks when things get better.

Boltonb · 15/07/2024 15:30

This is way too much. I hope you can now accept the feedback and give her some space

Justcallmebebes · 15/07/2024 15:31

You sound lovely and your DIL sounds uptight. Only thing to do though is back off

Original poster
Bell501 · 15/07/2024 15:32

I definitely will. Probably the reason my own mil never was interested when I was pregnant so I didn't want her to feel I didn't care. Thanks for the advice

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 15/07/2024 15:32

Calliopespa · 15/07/2024 15:14

I’d have loved that from my mil.

Show quote history

Some experts are now saying that people are different form each other.

OP, 4 texts a day makes me feel suffocated READING about it, never mind being in that situation. You will have to accept that she is not that person. One of the reasons my first marriage failed was an overinvolved MIL. She wanted us to behave as the extended, enmeshed East End family she grew up with. I hated it. Contact your son, keep lines open, don't do what you want instead do what she wants.

BTW the best present I got after my baby (from second wonderful MIL) was a case of my favourite water. Everyone gave flowers but she thought about what would help and support me. I miss her terribly.

WanOvaryKenobi · 15/07/2024 15:33

I think you have answered your own question. Your DIL is a private person.

LightDrizzle · 15/07/2024 15:36

The flowers were a lovely thing to do.

Did you regularly text her before the pregnancy? If not, then some people can be a bit irritated when people who weren’t bothered about their health and wellbeing enough to text before pregnancy suddenly start doing it as it’s not really about them, it’s about the baby they are carrying and some people reference feeling like they are being treated as in incubator for the all important baby.

Having said that, 4 texts in 5 weeks is hardly hounding her. I’d definitely do as she’s asked and ask your son in the future. I fear you may have a rocky road ahead with her, I hope not.

Have you got on well prior to the pregnancy?

pontipinemum · 15/07/2024 15:39

I think you sound lovely, and what you have with your other DIL is more like how I am with my MIL, I call around to her at least once a week normally. She sends me random pictures she finds on the internet.

It doesn't sound like you've done anything wrong, but I'd back off. Let her text if she wants and no more gifts. Get updates from your son