Dil pregnancy

[Bell501]

Hello
My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated.

Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire?

Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

@lunde. ignore me! I was basically agreeing with you! Sorry.

OP, you sound lovely and your DIL sounds like an absolute weirdo.

One text a week to enquire how she’s doing is not being overbearing, it’s called being caring and interested, dropping flowers round to a female relative is not ‘creeping around outside someone’s house’ as someone else on here so nicely put it it’s being thoughtful.

No doubt she’ll be one of those that won’t let anyone set foot in their home to see the baby for the first 8 weeks or something too.
And yet I read thread after thread on here about people with ILs that won’t do free childcare, or moaning about lack of a support system.

Nowt as queer as folk!!

If my MiL did this I’d find it too much for sure. Just back off and give her space.

Maybe she's still quite early on in her pregnancy and is anxious about something going wrong.

I find this SO weird. Why on earth would you not have your MIL's number? What happens if your DH is hit by a bus or she can't reach him in an emergency?

We were together before phones were really a thing. Not sure what sort of emergency she'd need to get hold of him for? If DH was hit by a bus my first thought wouldn't be to contact them, it would be to be with DH.

When DH had heart attacks, he told them when he was in recovery and able to do so. I also don't have FIL or any other IL numbers. @IdLikeToBeAFraser

@Bell501 You sound lovely and nothing you have said you have done is excessive.
My DD is expecting and her MIL (who is actually a lovely lady) is sending a whatsapp every other day asking how she is and how is baby! Now that is a bit excessive!

I think she is just over excited 😂

My DD answers her saying she's fine and replies by asking her how she is, it is driving her a bit mad, perhaps it will ease off soon!
Leaving flowers is a lovely gesture, my DD would love that.

This is also a great opportunity ot show your DIL that you're more than happy to listen and adapt to her needs. I think so often, that's where the DIL/MIL issue comes in - one or the other feels that the other one is completely inflexible and then it turns into a bit of a vicious cycle. So you have taken on board the feedback, are adapting accordingly, and all is good (hopefully).

My similar situation was MIL being a bit overbearing in the beginning, DH telling her that wasn't okay, me feeling supported by my DH (as your DS has done here) and MIL listening to DH's feedback. All round, I feel that was a very useful moment for our long term relationship.

She was dropping off a bunch of flowers. Get a grip

I think you sound lovely, I’d love someone in my life like you!

Sounds like different personalities unfortunately and I’d back off for now and just chat to your son. She may be a little more open when the baby arrives, then again she may not. Take your time and try not to push.

@NoDishiRishi I think you have a very different family dynamic! If DH was in the hospital, of course I'd prioritise getting there asap. But it wouldn't occur to me, as soon as was appropriate, to keep in laws updated. And I'd expect the same from DH if it was me. I'd be livid if I discovered he was waiting for me to be recovered enough before he let my parents knew I was ill.

Similarly, it was DH who contacted our respective parents after our DC were born - i was in recovery/half passed out etc. I appreciate lots of people would just wait a day or two until they were up to it, but in our family, that sort of info would be passed along quickly, and was (to our parents). As my mother knew I was in labour, it was important t me she know as soon as possible as I knew she'd be worried about me as much as anything.

Honestly people are so antisocial these days. A weekly text to your partner’s parent is a 20 second job. I’m 30 and look forward to good relationships with in laws. People just view people as a bother these days. Sad.

I would just take a step back, op. Is a shame but if you carry on texting she will use it against you.

I find this bizarre. I talk to my IL about my DH’s health and my DCs and generally keep her updated. If DH was in hospital I’d want them to know ASAP, even if I was by his side. He’s their son, they have a right to know. Unless there is some huge backstory about them being horrible to you, I think this attitude is a little selfish to be honest.

OP, to most ordinary people sending four messages enquiring about the health of, and leaving flowers for a pregnant DiL is a normal, nice thing to do. However, there are a lot of people on MN who will tell you that whatever you do, you are wrong because you are a MIL, and DiL are always right (no matter how rude and dismissive of you they decide to be in the name of 'privacy') I fear your DiL may have been reading one too many threads about the need to 'establish her boundaries' 'let DH deal with her' etc and is acting accordingly. All you can do is ignore it and keep contact to your son. I hope for your sake he will facilitate your relationship with your future GC.

I think in our family we tend to tell people once the situation has been resolved 😂 @IdLikeToBeAFraser - we're not very close 😁

I won't be texting. She may text me at some point hopefully

I completely agree with this! Although most posters on mn seem to think that being pregnant gives women an excuse to behave like a dick and treat people rudely!

I do feel that woman are often treated nonchalantly by MIL's untill pregnant because now they are a as someone stated above, grandchild provider. Once that child is delivered she will likely be treated with little care again and the baby will be adored, as it should. But she's a person too and she probably see's all your texts and flowers as fake niceties to get on her good side before baby comes, so she will let you baby sit or be in the delivery room whatever the case may be

And I'd expect the same from DH if it was me. I'd be livid if I discovered he was waiting for me to be recovered enough before he let my parents knew I was ill.

@IdLikeToBeAFraser Absolutley! My DH was the one who told my parents when I was in labour and when DC was born - I was utterly unable to and I’m so grateful he kept them in the loop as it’s what I would have wanted. If I was unwell and he didn’t tell them I’d be really pissed off! I always do the same for him. It’s about their relationship, not just ours.

She is trying to set boundaries with you now before baby gets here, accept them and respect them. It sounds like you've been too much and she's unfortunately had to do this to manage you and your expectations. Take the lead from her and back off.

I can tell!

We definitely are more.... real time updates in our family!

Jeez, yet again this 'hopeful' expectation! Just ease off and leave her be until/if she wants more interaction with you. You'll push her away of you keep on. Get a hobby.

I would think they will need loads of baby sitting done as they both work full time

I agree with this. As for the pp saying op was creeping around outside wtf she was delivering flowers and no one was in. It's a lovely thing to do.
I despair you're in the wrong if you check in and in the wrong if you don't bother.
I wish you'd been my mil op.

I was pregnant with my first many thousands of miles away from my own mum, in the same country as my MIL but a different city. My own mum called me (or vice versa) once a week after I married and moved away, just a check in when work wasn't too demanding. That didn't change when I got pregnant, but she drove me round the bend asking what she could buy for the baby (wanted me to send her a list).

My MIL, however, lost her mind completely and it very much set the tone for our family relationship with her thereafter (and we're many years on now). She would text me every other day during the work day, asking how I am, have I done a list of provisions for the baby, when am I going to have a baby shower (I wasn't), what are my delivery plans etc. It got worse and worse and worse until I asked DH to tell her to back off. He did, she didn't.

What she didn't know was that I was quite nervous about the pregnancy for no good reason - I just was - and I was juggling a new job, a new home, a new husband, a new country, being far from my family, my own mother's demands, staying in touch with friends etc. Putting the pregnancy to the back of my mind behind all the other stuff kept my pregnancy nerves at bay, and made for a very calm transition. I also had a lot to manage in terms of logistics and legalities and practicalities. Every text from her just rammed the pregnancy in my face when I was trying to keep things in perspective. She couldn't contain herself.

It got worse. I'll spare you the details and you don't sound anywhere near as overbearing as she was (is). The point is just that it probably isn't about you. You haven't done anything wrong. I'm sure that, like my MIL, you're thrilled at the prospect of another grandchild and what the arrival of that baby will mean for re-shaping your family. But your DIL is in a completely different headspace. She will have her own life, with her own family dynamics, her own worries and concerns - really you're just one person and consideration out of very many for her, in all likelihood.

It's not personal. Leave her to it. You've not done too much. You're done enough to show you're there, and that's all she needs given what you know about her. Ever DIL is different.

Congratulations!

Not selfish @OnTheShelfie when they have been told about DH health they haven't visited and on the second occasion booked a holiday and flew abroad in the hours after they knew.

When we had the eldest MIL informed me that she'd had her kids so want interested and definitely wouldn't be ever contributing or looking after them as she was an Army wife and didn't get help from her Mother/ILs.

She's never bothered so we don't either.