Dil pregnancy

[Bell501]

Hello
My Dil is pregnant which I'm delighted about. I've known now about 5 weeks and have sent her a text about four times to see how she is keeping. I bought her a gift and left it outside her house. Noone was there. I got a message from my son saying she wants no fuss and she wants him to keep me updated.

Is there any obvious way I have upset her? What do I do now apart from the obvious ask my son. How often should I inquire?

Our relationship has been very civil I think up to now. She is a private person

Actually, this reminds me. Before my parents had even met DH I think, I was actually quite ill. They'd been a bit dubious about him (on paper, they didn't feel he was right for their DD - creative type, very little earnign potential etc haha) but this was one of the things that absolutely made them really love him. I was sick and he looked after me and while he didn't know them in those days, he did send the odd update as necessary.

Definitely sounds like you’ve been doing too much OP. I suggest you back off, but you don’t need to overthink it either - they might have personal issues going on that you’re not aware of. For instance, I had terrible anxiety in my first pregnancy, and didn’t want to speak to anyone (except DH) about the pregnancy. Receiving flowers early on, then weekly messages from my MIL asking how I was, would have been absolutely horrendous for my mental health. Obviously it’s unlikely that this is the same as your DIL, but the point is you don’t know. So just calm down and leave them be for a bit.

@Bell501, I think you’ve been very measured and reasonable considering some of the responses on this thread. Creeping around outside their house indeed! 🙄🙄🙄 Leaving flowers outside your son and DIL’s house for your pregnant DIL is hardly akin to stalking them.

FWIW, I think you sound like a wonderful MIL! You’ve texted and sent flowers and now you’re prepared to do as she asks and get updates from your son. All good as far as I can see. You’ve posted on here in case anyone spotted a reason you may have upset her, you’ve listened to responses and you’re going to act accordingly. Well done is all I can say. 👏 MN threads become all confused and discombobulated when someone asks for advice and accepts it in a reasonable way! 😉😆

That makes sense, as I said it’s different if there is a backstory and it sounds as though there is. If that’s the case then it’s understandable, they don’t sound worth your time at all.

It is none of your business! My God woman, take a hint and stop with the expectations and assumptions about a woman who'd had enough of you!

Apart from the fact that OP had no interest in texting weekly before there was a baby.

I have a good relationship with my MIL, but we only swap occasional texts. I'm not a big texter generally. I'd struggle with sudden interest now there is a baby, it'd feel like I was just an incubator and there's enough societal messaging around to make you feel like that anyway. After all, the question OP is asking is really "how's the baby?" Plus what is she supposed say? "Still sick and bloated so I assume baby is still there". I don't enjoy being pregnant, but noone ever wants to hear that it's all a bit crap.

@NoDishiRishi they sound horrendous. I'd argue though that therefore your view on "normal" ie in respect of having each other's phone numbers is not necessarily reflective of "normal" relationships. In your situation, I'm surprised your DH even bothers to update them once he's better. I just can't imagine being so completely blase about a child and I don't blame either of you for ignoring them.

Having said that, for all that we broadly have good relationships between in laws etc, I've never really fully forgiven MIL for the fact that she has a remarkable ability to be selfish with a particularly bad moment coming when my mother was dying, I'd had to leave the country to go say goodbye at very short notice. MIL basically abandoned DS. I won't bore you with the details, but perhaps I understand your viewpoint more than I realised!

She will be all over you like a rash then!

I'd advise... step back for now, and judge the lie of the land. I don't think you are doing anything wrong but people are peculiar aren't they...

Yes..First pregnancy can make some think that they are the only women in the world to have ever been pregnant.

She sounds a bit precious and difficult, but no way would I be leaving flowers or gifts on the doorstep for such an early pregnancy.

Leaving flowers at someone's home is not 'weird'. Not having your MiL's mobile number is also not 'weird' - that would entirely depend on the nature of that relationship. Also, glibly stating that the DiL is 'weird' is pointless given not one of us on this site knows her. She could have any one of a number of reasons for stepping back in this way. Pregnancy loss is quite common: if she's suffered that in the past and is a private person then it's likely this wouldn't be something she'd have talked about. I'm aware from painful personal experience how terrifying a pregnancy after multiple losses can be. When I was the one in that position the last thing I'd have wanted was such frequent texts.

It may simply be that she's still adjusting to what's about to be a major change in her life. Or it could be that a sudden turnaround from the kind of relationship which existed prior to her pregnancy might have discombobulated her. All is speculation. But there's also every possibility that you haven't offended her at all, OP, and that this response is about her and nothing do do with you or anything you might have done.

All you can do is give her the space she's asked for to get used to her new situation. Reduce the frequency of contact and just let her know you're there for her if she wants you.

Least said soonest mended IMO, and more than likely if she sees you've respected her boundaries and feels a bit less overwhelmed, she will relax. All that's needed is a bit of an adjustment period until you reach the place where you all feel comfortable.

Dosnt mean she will be asking you, or anyone who expects to be asked. She may well go with a childminder, you can't expect these things, that's when you get disappointed

I would back off OP, for all you know they have had worries and anxiety about the pregnancy, she will know you are thinking about her and wishing her well. Just don’t go full “ I have decorated the spare room nursery and the cot and buggy arrive next week.” I’m sure you won’t!

Plenty of time for being a loving generous Granny.

Thank you they really are

Flowers is lovely, but maybe she's just feeling a bit overwhelmed? Some people want to share with the world, some get really private and protective. I never texted my MIL outside of scan pics etc, nor my own mum. When baby born we made a Google drive of pics we could add with all family members on both sides, which kept everyone updated on baby.

I'd take it on the chin, apologise to your son and ask him if she would be OK with you contacting her directly to apologise. If she's OK with it, just apologise, you didn't mean to intrude. You're really excited, and to let you know if she wants to chat or needs anything. If you'd like to gift something for baby e.g. pram/ crib say to your son you'd like to contribute to that item if that's OK, you'll transfer them X amount, let you know what they pick with it.

How sad is that. The OP just wants to show an interest. She'd be slated no doubt if she didn't bother with her DIL at all.

I think it's nice. But maybe the fact I had a MIL with long term alzheimers who didn't even know who I was has coloured my view somewhat.

Also Irish... would never land with someone like this without texting ahead nor would I want it done to me... I'm too messy I need time for a quick panic clean first!!

You sound very nice trying to make the effort, my MIL is like this too and I wouldn’t dream of telling my husband to text her to do all communication via him. Some of the responses on this thread are bonkers!

I’m a pretty self contained / introverted person - it is absolutely not my MILs fault that it takes a lot of energy for me to keep up with them. I do, and I love them very much - but when I was pregnant with my first (and tbh up until I was about a year PP) I just couldn’t deal with all their excitement on top of my anxiety.

I had to ask my husband to set some kind boundaries - he was very explicit that it wasn’t a them problem - it was just a lot for me. I have since discussed it with my MIL and I know she felt hurt + also understood. She has a very active and welcome part in my DCs lives now. The fact that she respected my need for a bit more space when we asked for it made me feel safer that she would respect my wishes around child care etc.

it’s a tough relationship - especially in the madness + life change of pregnancy.

I would take a gentle step back + communicate through your son - don’t back off completely. They’ll both appreciate feeling heard by you - and setting yourself up as someone who they can trust to respect their wishes is only a good thing.

She is a private person (which is lovely, tbh). Just take your lead from her, and stop with all the texts.

How does DIL sound like a weirdo? She's replied politely to the texts just not efffusively and been clear she doesn't want any fuss. Perfectly normal.

I wouldn't have had any particular response to multiple texts asking how I am. My pregnancies went fine, I felt fine there wasn't much to say. And I hate being given flowers so I would have politely acknowledged them but requested no fuss going forward in case flowers were about to become a weekly annoyance.

OP's done nothing wrong, it all sound perfectly friendly and polite.

I really agree with this.

Society is ill. People are really struggling with MH issues and individuals needing to seek support from charities and institutions, but it never seems to sink in that torching off all your natural support network is an aspect of this.

There is another thread where a poster is struggling because her dc won’t sleep padt 4 am and an older lady said what a shame we can’t match up all the early risers - babies and older people - so the parents can get some rest. Well there used to be such a thing and it was called family networks. Families are now so fractured and distant ( both physically but also in contact, an example being limiting texts because four every five weeks is “ too much.”) People focus their efforts on asserting their “boundaries” and being a private person etc. Of course they are “entitled” to ( a word I hate) before all the “ why shouldn’t I?” brigade pile in; but I’m just saying while we are all entitled to act this way, I don’t think many of the modern approaches to family are as helpful in the long run as people think they are.

Would you have texted her approx every week before she was pregnant? It is quite jarring to feel that people are now interested in your well-being because you are carrying “their grandchild”.

My own MIL did not congratulate me on the birth of my baby, but instead thanked me for making her a grandma (again)… as if I’d grown a baby just for her!

I’m also quite a private person and my medical information doesn’t become public property because I’m pregnant. Some women love to discuss every detail with everyone, some don’t.

I’m not saying the above reflects how you are at all, just a perspective to bear in mind.

@Calliopespa I completely agree! I actually feel sorry for children born today that will never know what its like to grow up in a loving extended family because their weird antisocial parents and to busy " enforcing their boundaries".

Time to say again.... everyone is different! My husband had heart surgery and I didn't tell my MIL because he didn't want me to. He didn't want to worry her, and to her dying day she never knew. Neither did she know when he went on a dangerous trip in Africa.... there was just no need. So sometimes less is more, and it's not necessary to share every little thing with other people.

This is unfair. She doesn't sound precious or difficult, any more than the OP sounds overbearing or difficult. People are simply different. And I have to say that seeking affirmation from online strangers that people are 'peculiar' is likely to be a less effective way of bridging those differences than to respect that others are not the same as you, to abide by each other's boundaries, and to practice the art of compromise. I also see that the son's response is likely to have been perceived as a rejection and that rejection hurts.

From a bystander's perspective it doesn't sound to me as though OP's DiL is behaving at all like the 'only woman in the world ever to have been pregnant' given she's the one who wants less attention, not more. She might also have things she's not telling others, and that's entirely OK.