Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

[Diregoat91]

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

Why on earth did you ask her if she wants to live with just you? Putting the idea in her head that this is a possibility would be unsettling. At her age she isn’t mature enough to make decision like that and certainly not in the heat of the moment. My 7 year old told me today she never wants to swim again. I am obviously not going to stop taking her because of that 1 comment made because she bumped into someone in the pool.

She was upset cos he told her off - she's 4 that's normal. She then got upset cos she overheard you confronting him. And then you asked her if she wanted him to move out.
What reaction did you expect?
If you asked any small child at that point they'd probably say the same. It doesn't say anything about how she feels about him overall, just that she was upset at the time.

You and stepdad need to agree on discipline and boundaries going forward, how you'll both handle things and what's his role. Currently you're just undermining him and that's unhelpful for all three of you.

I agree it was very odd and confusing to ask her that question.

It's a confusing time for her, she's working out what's going on with her having contact with her dad, getting ready to start school etc

Re discipline, you both need to agree what the approach is and try and be consistent.

"I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me."

What a weird question to ask a small child. Why on earth did you ask?

She's 4!!! You need to calm down and stop putting all this emotional baggage on her.

You don’t ask your children how they want to be parented! She’s four - you’re her mum not her friend. You decide what’s best for her. If you have doubts about this man then that’s one thing but how unfair to put such a huge decision on to a four year old.

After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again.

What sort of confrontation did you have? Raised voices?

It was not on at all for you to ask her that question when she was still upset from him telling her off, you've created your own mess there. Of course she's going to say she wants to just live with you in that moment.

Give her some time, she's only four and is dealing with some big, intense, emotional things. It's not going to be perfect all the time. Bio dad is going to seem like the sun shines out of his arse to her for a bit. There will always, always be teething problems with step-parents. Just make sure you and step dad are on the same page and consistent with your approach to discipline (and decide this between the two of you alone, don't argue about it within earshot of your child)

This

I can't fathom why on earth you'd ask her that question??? So strange. You obviously didn't want that answer so it was daft to ask her. She's 4 not 14.

You put the idea in her head by asking her, which was definitely not the right question to ask her, especially when she's 4. She doesn't understand the gravity of a question like that, of course she was upset, he had told her not to do something, again she's 4 and doesn't understand. Did you argue in front of her? That's also going to upset her.

If you have doubts that's one thing but to put them onto her isn't fair. If he's a good man and a good step dad and you are happy, there is no reason why you need to stop living with him and no reason why you need to ask her those questions.

Don't worry, OP.
Children frequently tell one parent that they don't like the other, when they're disciplined.

BTW you shouldn't really have asked her the question you did. Not just after she'd been told off!

I think you need to chill out just a little bit. 4 is still a young age

Right okay people thanks. That's all for now. And for people asking why on earth I asked her that? Because she is my daughter and her input means more to me than anything, regardless of her age! My goodness. You all act like I committed a bloody murder!

For god's sake. Nobody is suggesting that.

@Diregoat91 she's just upset as she's been told off. All children will be like this. I would not move just because she didn't like it.

Everyone else has put their finger down n the problem. You are treating a four year old with some confused feelings like they are asking for help with their highschool math. I think you and your dd need some therapy/parenting coaching (and probably step dad does too) as you don’t know how to handle such a young child.

Speak to the emotion: darling was it confusing when you saw (biodad?) are you angry/worried/upset?

She may tell you she thinks she should live with tour ex. She may ask questions about your current dh “is he a real dad? If he is a real dad will he also abandon me?”

Little kids love something one minute and hate it the next. They live in the moment. Your job as parent is to steady the boat not get panicked and jump overboard when a four year old seems anxious.

Don't come on here asking questions if you can't take some constructive criticism.

Grow up.

No, we're just saying that you gave your four year old DD an impossible choice, which her young mind was far too immature to comprehend.

Why on earth have you asked her something which she has no control over.

She’s only 4. Next time you ask her she will say something different. Don’t ask her!

Op that was a ridiculous thing to ask her. And I can only assume was designed as a stab at your partner.

Of course she was going to reply 'just you' to that! If you'd just told her off and he'd asked if she wanted to live with just him and for mummy to leave she would have said yes to that too!

You're creating problems there doesn't need to be. And your partner was right to be stern with her about the cutlery.

Get to the gp and get your dosage of depression medication looked at before you ruin your home environment with nonsense.

That's the point, really.

She was never going to say anything other than what she actually did say.

There was no reason to ask her that. She’s 4, her brain does not work in that way. She was cross with step dad for the telling off, and upset at the argument, so she chose mummy. If stepdad had given her a slice of cake and played games, she would have chosen to have him stay.

How would you feel if bio dad asked her the same Q? It’s completely inappropriate.

Well, it was a stupid question. Surely you can see that? You appear very unsure about your partner’s co-parenting capacities, and the fact that you asked your four year old whether she’d prefer to live with just you suggests the blended family situation isn’t something you’re certain is working for your DD. Think more about that.