Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

[Diregoat91]

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

I wouldn’t worry about it. At my mom & dad’s wedding ( I was 5 dad stepdad) told him to go away & come back when I was 9. I am now 58, my dad has terminal prostrate cancer, I have been very lucky he’s not prefect but he stayed in a time late 60’s & early 70’s it wasn’t the done thing, even his own family didn’t think he should. I have been very lucky.

So are you going to kick your husband out as per her wishes then op? Of course not. Why give her a choice in regards to a situation that’s out of her control. She’s 4. Act like the grown up that you are.

But she's 4. She doesn't understand questions like that. You need to set boundaries on parenting if you're going to blow up at your partner. It's your fault there is no boundaries but it doesn't sound like he did anything wrong. You're the one sounding out of sorts and probably over analysing everything because saw her dad and it's brought stuff up for you.

Wtaf did you react that way for? Why did you ask her? Your devastation is your own doing I'm afraid she is 4

You are being ridiculous here, she's 4!

What kind of meaningful 'input' can a 4 year-old give, seriously?

You seem to expect her to be able to handle complex situations and emotions far beyond her capability.

Sounds like you're heading towards parentification territory here, and that's not a pleasant experience for the child. So please check yourself OP and treat your child in an age appropriate way.

Honestly OP. Don’t give it too much headspace. She said it in the moment. Had your DP just fed her a ton load of ice cream, and you asked the same question, she would probably say that of course she wants to live with you both.

No we don't we are trying to make you see what a ridiculous response you had and how that could've made the things worse. Chin up we all mess up as parents from time to time. Revisit it tomorrow if you need to but in a more positive way. Have words with your husband and put boundaries in place

I'm sorry but this was insane thing to ask after she'd been told off. My DS adores his dad (we all live together) but if his dad had just told him off and I asked him, he'd probably say the same thing, just mummy. It's absolutely not what he thinks. Why even put that idea in their heads?

You don't need her input. She's 4. Spectacularly unfair to put on her shoulders him moving out.

You say her opinion matters. If you asked if she wants ice cream for breakfast every day should would probably agree with that. Would you then give her only ice cream for breakfast? You are asking her opinion on adult things. Not 4 year old things.

He corrected her for putting something in the bin that shouldn't be there. What should he have done?

You fucked up.
Don't know what game you're playing but cut it out.

I think it's just because it's a difficult and confusing question for a 4 year old.
4 year olds can't really make rationale decisions about these kinds of things.
If you are happy with the how your DP parents then don't ask her questions like that. If you are unhappy then you need to have a conversation with him. Bit leave her out of it

She’s 4 years old. She doesn’t have the emotional capacity or understanding to make decisions about who she wants to live with, so to ask her that sort of question when she is upset is absolutely ludicrous. What on earth did you expect?

I’m starting to think there should be some sort of exam that needs sitting before people can have children.

My almost four year old often says she wants to stay at nursery for ever and ever and ever. I say I know darling what a shame… let’s go. Same when it’s time to go home from her nanas house where she gets unlimited tv and ice cream. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love me and her home, it means in that moment that is the most attractive option. Stop putting adult emotions and decisions on a very very small child who can’t possible understand. You shouldn’t have asked that question it was emotional blackmail but I think you know that now. Make decisions with your partner about disciple in private and stop arguing in front of her. If you have doubts about your relationship YOU need to make that decision while keeping in mind what is best for you and your daughter but you can’t put that massive decision on a child.

Why on earth would you ask a four year old that???

Im sure if you asked her if she’d rather live with you or Peppa Pig/Bluey she’d say them!!!

Would you seriously consider leaving your partner because she said that?!

If you think she needed input then she's told you what she thinks. So are you going to move out? Otherwise why did you ask her?

It's reassurance she needed. Not input into a life changing decision.

Why can't you work till she starts school? People do.

This is excellently put.

Her poor little mind is reeling trying to understand who everyone is and what feelings she has and now OP is saying oh do you want to get rid of stepdad and live with just mum. She needs stability and routine at home OP, now more than ever.

I agree with previous comments regarding you asking her who she would rather live with? If you asked her that same question after step-dad had been cuddling & playing with her she would have said both of you.
You asked a very leading question right after step-dad upset her, of course she was going to pick you. She would of picked you regardless of who the person was, because in that moment she was upset with step-dad.

I think you are being a bit overly dramatic, she is 4 years old and won't ever remember saying it. She's still learning how to process and regulate her emotions, you need to calm down and carry on as normal. Maybe don't argue with her listening in?

Op it’s never going to work unless you’re a team. He told her off as he should have, and she got upset as is normal. He needs to parent too if you’re all living together. If you lead a child with a question they will run with it without really thinking about it. In a week’s time if you said it to her she’d possibly not even remember!! She’s 4. The only question is do you want the three of you to be a family

It's not age appropriate to ask a 4 year old that. Sorry but you really didn't handle this well. You don't burden a 4 year old child with a question like that. You decide for yourself if you want to stay with your partner or be a single parent. What on earth made you think that was a sensible thing to ask? What did you expect her to say after she'd just been told off by him. Of course she's going to say wants just you!

This one is on you, OP. She probably thought you wanted her to say it, because she heard the disagreement between the two of you.
instead of getting snarky with people responding, why don’t you take a minute and reflect and correct, rather than throwing your toys out of the pram? Lots of immaturity here. You’ll need to step it up.

You seem to be taking her opinion very seriously considering she’s four years old, couple that with the fact you’ve come out of a domestic violence situation and into living with a new man in a very short space of time, and now your talking about leaving him on the whim of your child and the only thing that’s preventing you is that you can’t afford to I think you need to take a step back and make sure you’re not getting yourself into a situation you can’t get out of. Do you actually want to be with this man or is he just convenient? Start working now to get yourself to a situation where you don’t need to rely on a man.

She's 4 🤦🏼‍♀️i couldn't imagine asking my 4 yo a question like that

Exactly. OP put this in her DDs head herself.