Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

[Diregoat91]

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

So her input is she wants to live with just you - are you going to do this then?Otherwise won't it be worse that she knows you know she just wants it to be just you two but you're ignoring her wishes?
If you're not going to follow through on the answer, you shouldn't ask the question.

She's 4 she doesn't get any input - certainly not when it comes to who she lives with

If you don't want your partner to raise his voice and discipline her - like a normal father/parent would - then you shouldn't have moved in with him and give him this shitty role as pseudo father who can only parent when and how it suits you

Because she is my daughter and her input means more to me than anything, regardless of her age!

well it shouldn’t! She’s 4! She doesn’t have the emotional capacity to make such decisions or to answer such questions. The parent / child relationship isn’t a democracy.

@Diregoat91 has your DH got any children of his own?

My second husband was a bit strict with my DC until I had two of his babies.

As others said why on Earth did you ask her that

So now she has her input - are you going to listen /take it and move out and be the 2 of you ?

Course not. Esp after 3yrs so why say that to her

Also you are meant to back each other up

So if one tell a off for whatever reason - no point I'd runs to the other one (you) and you don't support the firm voice

FGS, this is madness.
You don’t put the decision of who to live with on a 4 yr old child! You’re the adult OP. How dare you put such emotional pressure on her?! She is far far too young.

What did you disagree with on his handling of her misbehaviour? Was it the stern voice? or the go to the lounge order? I can’t see anything wrong with how he handled things.

You come across as the Disney parent who refuses to discipline their child, so ofc she is going to want to only be with the fun parent, not the parent that has rules.

And a 4yr old doesn’t really understand the concept of “love” either. It takes until age 7 for children to understand and accurately identify the emotions they feel. Longer if they are ND.

she’s 4. 4 year olds say stuff. You’re projecting.

My son today told me he hates me and has never loved me. I know he adores me, he’s my baby! But if I was insecure or worried I’d be stressed. Kids say stuff to test boundaries

Slow down

she just met her father for the first time. She is processing all sorts of complicated feelings. Your job is provide her with consistency and support. Her step-father as a major fixture in her life needs to do the same.

keep your home life the same. Talk about how it is ok to have multiple people in your life that love you and care about you. She is trying to figure out if she is allowed to love her step-dad if she has a dad out there. She needs your permission to love them both. Even if you justifiably hate her dad, she needs to be allowed to form her own relationship.

She's 4. She was upset. I wouldn't take her words at face value. My nearly 4 year old says he doesn't want daddy sometimes if he's upset because daddy told him not to do something.

I do think it's a problem moving a man in with your very young child though. I'm a single parent and just couldn't do it to mine.

Her step dad has been the consistent person in her life, so she is probably confused by meeting her bio father. It will be an emotional time and she’s 4, so won’t know how to regulate those emotions.

You support her by being calm and reassuring her that the person who has been her effective father for 2 years isn’t going anywhere - and will always love her despite new bio dad being on the scene

But she's 4!

If you asked a 4yo any question like that even involving living with you or Santa they'll reaction the moment with an answer they don't emotionally have any attachment to.

Most 4yo kids would reply Santa in that situation 😂

He to,d her not to out cutlery in the bin. That's a fair cop. Why was she putting cutlery in the bin?!

I agree. If a young child had just been told off by a biological parent they would probably answer the same
Way.
Don't worry too much op just see if this becomes a thing or it's just a one off.

This

Your poor child. Improve your emotional boundaries, seek some help for your anxiety and stop offloading onto a FOUR YEAR OLD. Sheesh 🙄

You put the thought in her mind

Cannot understand why you did that

And I cannot bear it when people come on here and ask for advice and then throw their toys out of the pram when they don't like it, especially when there's a consensus

Go away and think what you want the outcome to be. And don't make your partner the scapegoat

What are you going to do op when at 4/5/6 you tell her off / have a falling out and she no longer wants to live with you?

Nobody is acting like you committed a murder, they’re acting like you unsettled your already upset child by asking her a huge question that was way beyond her comprehension. Maybe read up on Ages and stages, as you seem to be giving a lot of weight to a very young child’s opinions and not understanding the impact of that. She needs stability - that means you doing the parenting and making decisions in her best interests for her. You decide what she eats and when, when she goes to bed, whether she needs boots or a coat on, when to put sun lotion on her, you tell her not to touch dangerous things, you stop her from running into traffic. She needs you to be the boss, not her best friend. And her step dad should have equal responsibility and you should be parenting as a team. Now you have to factor in a 3rd parent and she will be confused and unsure. Your job is navigate this for her so that she doesn’t have to.

She’s confused because she’s recently seen her bio dad and can’t get her head around who is who, who means what to her, how she can have 2 dads, and where she stands in the different relationships. Asking her that question was really unfair. She shouldn’t have that responsibility.

Every single poster has hit the nail, amazingly.

OP, you need to listen, rather than act like a child. You’re going to mess up your 4-yo and drive away your very reasonable partner if you don’t fix your own behaviour.

She’s 4, she just a little child. Can you at least
imagine how she is feeling having just met
her father. She’s confused about where her step dad now features in her life. You’ve royally messed up. Rather than both of you being sensitive to her upset, DP has gone off on one, you’ve then had a massive row and then you’ve asked her if she like you to kick DP out. Marvellous.

I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'.

I also was going to ask about this, she has just been told off, why on earth would you ask that question, she’s 4 of course she’s not going to be happy after just being told off. Is there anything more to this, are you unhappy in the relationship? You asked the question she told you an answer because her input means more to you than anything but did you leave? If not it was a pointless question

She didnt like your DP criticism so of course she said she didnt love him, my children love me or the next minute dont if they dont get another ice cream, kids say things and may not even comprehend this.
You asked her a silly question.
You need to figure out if you want to stay with your DP and if you can come to an agreement about parenting your daughter. But you also need to figure out if this relationship is important and what he wants from it- if he wants to play a father figure and all he gets from you is that his opinion is very unimportant, then I think this relationship will end quickly.

I have a 4 year old, if either or or her dad tell her off she then cries and says she only wants the opposite parent. I made her brush her hair last week and she cried the whole time saying “I want daddy, I don’t want you”

At this age I would take what they say as gospel.

I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me.

why pick a heated moment, when she’s upset to ask this question. Terrible judgement.

I think all other posters have summed it up well.

If I tell my child he isn't allowed cake, he would cry. If his dad tells me off for not letting him have cake then asks him immediately after - who do you like best or do you want to stay with me or mommy, he will choose the parent who didn't tell him off.

You sound a bit emotionally immature to ask a very young child that?