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Original poster

Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

176 replies

Diregoat91 · 14/07/2024 20:22

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

OP posts:
llamajohn · 14/07/2024 22:29

Diregoat91 · 14/07/2024 20:41

Right okay people thanks. That's all for now. And for people asking why on earth I asked her that? Because she is my daughter and her input means more to me than anything, regardless of her age! My goodness. You all act like I committed a bloody murder!

well, it was an odd question to ask... and a ridiculous time to ask.

thankyoujeremy · 14/07/2024 22:30

thankyoujeremy · 14/07/2024 22:27

I would also add to the pot that the op is dealing with big emotions of DD seeing bio dad, especially as contact centre is mentioned and we don't know what the background is. I think that your DH is probably trying to hold everything together right now.

I definitely would look into getting support with your mh if not so already.

And yes, it was a bit of a ridiculous situation you got yourself into but clearly you are struggling.

(P.s. from op's tone earlier I don't imagine they will be reading all these posts...)

Apologies - background given (I didn't read until the end 🤦‍♀️)

sunflowrsngunpowdr · 14/07/2024 22:30

WiseBiscuit · 14/07/2024 22:15

Poor bloody kid, you must’ve moved him
in fast if he’s been in her life since she was 2.

Perhaps putting your child first would be a good thing. It doesn’t sound like you have very good judgement at all.

I was just thinking the same thing. Poor child.

ForGreyKoala · 14/07/2024 22:31

ihaventfedthecat · 14/07/2024 20:50

She's 4 she doesn't get any input - certainly not when it comes to who she lives with

If you don't want your partner to raise his voice and discipline her - like a normal father/parent would - then you shouldn't have moved in with him and give him this shitty role as pseudo father who can only parent when and how it suits you

This. Also, maybe you should look into some parenting courses as you seem to know even less about young children than I do - and I don't have any.

You are not doing your daughter any favours.

abouttogetlynched · 14/07/2024 22:31

How old are you OP? You sound very young and immature.

MyOtherWheelchairIsABroomstick · 14/07/2024 22:32

Diregoat91 · 14/07/2024 20:41

Right okay people thanks. That's all for now. And for people asking why on earth I asked her that? Because she is my daughter and her input means more to me than anything, regardless of her age! My goodness. You all act like I committed a bloody murder!

If this is how you react to comments on here then I can guess how you've ended up in this situation. Are you a bit dramatic sometimes? Because I admit that I too can overreact but IME you need to sort it for your child's sake. They aren't going to know if they're coming or going. She said it because you asked and 4yr olds like to get their own way. She wasn't happy with your partner at that very moment. Ask her again when he's bought her an ice cream or played hide and seek with her.

Edit : don't actually ask, as if that needs to be said.

Allthehorsesintheworld · 14/07/2024 22:32

She is 4.
Telling her off for putting forks or whatever in the wrong place wasn’t clever. But neither was asking her if she wants to live with just you.
Never ask small children questions they don’t have control over, they don’t understand that yet. Where do you want to go on holiday? Disney! The moon! Africa to see lions! When you were thinking maybe Spain at a push. Or Cleethorpes.

if you and partner don’t get on, don’t want to stay living together that’s fine. But don’t involve a 4 year old in the decision.

CandyLeBonBon · 14/07/2024 22:34

After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'

I'm in a relationship with someone who is not my kids' parent. Even as teens/young adults they wouldn't really want to blend and honestly (from my own perspective) I'm not a fan of blending. Of course your kid will just want just you, for all sorts of reasons. But as pp have said expecting a mature response to this question from a 4 y/o is bound to backfire. Are you seeking reassurance that you've done the right thing? You say you don't like some of your partner's behaviours? What is it that you are seeking out here?

username47985 · 14/07/2024 22:34

You dealt with it in a very odd way. You asked her the question. Now what? Do you kick SD out because she says so?

Also the arguing about how he dealt with the situation in front of her is just asking for her to play you off against each other.

loupiots · 14/07/2024 22:35

Diregoat91 · 14/07/2024 20:22

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

Gosh. Might you consider a parenting course? It's really not appropriate to ask a 4 yr old that sort of question. Not least because you clearly love her very much and putting that sort of burden of choice on her is the opposite of what you should be doing.

She needs you to be the grown up, @Diregoat91 she's 4 - the only sort of decisions she should be involved are things like if she wants plaits or bunches!

llamajohn · 14/07/2024 22:37

My 4 yo just the other day said to my face "i wish my auntie was my mum, and you were my auntie" - SHE DOESN'T MEAN THAT REALLY.

she just absolutely adores her auntie, who get to be fun auntie who takes her swimming, not boring mum who gets her to put her shoes way, go to the shops, gets her to do stuff she'd rather not do.

Other crap she says that she doesn't actually mean ...
"i really wish I was a unicorn - i don't want to be a human" (she just really likes unicorns)
"I want to be a pigeon" ( she thinks it would be cool to fly"
"crisps are yucky" (the spicy crisps had too much spice)
"Daddy is mean to me" (he asked her to clear up some water she spilled)
"I want the cat to go away forever!" (because she was asked to put a scoop of biscuits down and she wanted to carry on watching TV)

islababy22 · 14/07/2024 22:39

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

GrumpyPanda · 14/07/2024 22:39

It's normal OP. My oldest niece got a step-dad at around that age, similar issues in that occasionally he'd use an overly stern tone out of insecurity. She's now in her early 20s and adores her younger siblings, although at one point she screamed at step-dad to "take your daughter and get out of here!" Step-dad still does special daytrips just with her on occasion.

Peaceandquietandacuppa · 14/07/2024 22:39

Diregoat91 · 14/07/2024 20:41

Right okay people thanks. That's all for now. And for people asking why on earth I asked her that? Because she is my daughter and her input means more to me than anything, regardless of her age! My goodness. You all act like I committed a bloody murder!

Your reaction to all these helpful comments (even if you don’t like it, they are helpful) says everything.

Windchiming · 14/07/2024 22:40

Diregoat91 · 14/07/2024 20:41

Right okay people thanks. That's all for now. And for people asking why on earth I asked her that? Because she is my daughter and her input means more to me than anything, regardless of her age! My goodness. You all act like I committed a bloody murder!

I am not sure posters said anything wrong.

Edingril · 14/07/2024 22:43

Why on earth would you ask a child this?

Blondeshavemorefun · 14/07/2024 22:46

Tbh you caused all this

She put a fork in the bin instead of sink /sw

SD says no as would or else eventually have no cutlery

And you totally undermined him

AuntMarch · 14/07/2024 22:46

You literally put the thought in her head and asked her if she would prefer it, and then you're "hearbroken" because she liked the idea. Of course she did, he'd just told her off!
My son wants to live with his dad every time I ask him to tidy his toys away, and when he is at his dad's, says he wants me when he is told to brush his teeth. You are putting way more on this that you should.

Seeing her biological father is going to be very confusing and throw up a lot of questions. You need to be united with your husband in supporting her through it and Understanding that anything she says is just her trying to process anything. But for the love of God, don't ask "would you rather or y" when it isn't actually a simple choice.

Babbahabba · 14/07/2024 22:46

Totally agree with @Ponderingwindow and stop arguing in front of her. She needs home to be calm, stable and as it always was when she's going through such huge changes in her life at such a young age.

Golden407 · 14/07/2024 22:46

End your relationship OP, your 4 year old daughter has spoken

Ivymom · 14/07/2024 22:49

First, get your DD into play therapy. Starting visitation with her biodad is confusing and can trigger big emotions for her. She will probably need a safe place and professional help to process everything.

Second, you and your DH need to take some parenting classes or child development classes. At the minimum, read books together. Then you need to come up with a parenting plan together. You should be the primary disciplinarian of your DD. If you are going to allow him to discipline your DD, you need to have specific guidelines for him to follow. Then you can’t undermine each other and any discussion needs to take place where your DD can’t overhear.

Stop asking your toddler to make adult decisions. It will only stress her out further. Start learning to help your DD express and process her emotions in an appropriate way. Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood is a show directed at young children that teaches them about their emotions.

Moulook31 · 14/07/2024 22:50

TomatoSandwiches · 14/07/2024 20:45

Don't come on here asking questions if you can't take some constructive criticism.

Grow up.

Exactly.

Treelichen · 14/07/2024 22:53

I doubt OP is coming back. She clearly thinks she handled it well and wasn't keen on others perspective.

PerkyMintDeer · 14/07/2024 23:02

Whoa there, massive over-reaction...

Four is a pretty normal time for girls to go through a Dad hating, I only want MUMMY, only GIRLS can play here...phase.

The fact this is a stepfather is neither here nor there, really. It's just four year old behaviour. If she said "I don't love your car" or "I don't love having a big toe", there's no way you'd ask if she wanted you to get rid of it. She's four.

At some point she's going to say she hates you/school/her teacher. Unless you have major concerns about how he treats her or think he doesn't love her/is harming her, just hold it all lightly.

"Oh dear, that's a pity darling, SD loves you very much. When you put the cutlery in the bin he sounded a bit angry didn't he? Did that upset you?"

is fine.

He seems to have over-reacted though. I'd have the discussion that she needs a different approach to accidents and in this case an apology from him would go a long way to making her feel happy and safe again. No one likes being on the receiving end of stern behaviour for an accident. At four that will result in a more extreme reaction than, "I felt a bit scared".

Jellybeanz456 · 14/07/2024 23:08

She's 4 while her input might be important to you don't ask her life changing questions, tomorrow she might say she wants to live with nanny or dad or the next door neighbour cos they have better toys etc. You should know what is best for your child without asking her especially aa she is so young!!!