Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

[Diregoat91]

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

I agree with everyone that this wasn't a good question to ask - but I do also think that we all say things in the moment, don't we? The OP wanted her DD to feel her opinions had weight, and that's absolutely right. It's just that, when a child is 4, you can't ask them straight out because they won't understand the question.

OP, FWIW, I am bringing up my DD in a different, but similarly complicated, mixture of biological and non-biological relationships, and I think it's really important to distinguish discomfort with another parental adult's actions, and responses to a child expressing feelings that may well have to do with testing out boundaries.

I would actually come down quite hard on a step dad taking a tone you think is inappropriate.

OTOH, if a child says 'I don't love him' or even 'I don't love you, mummy,' you need to smile and nod calmly, or say 'oh, that's sad'. Children do say these things, and sometimes it's because they aren't sure if they are allowed to choose whom to love. It's just like when they refuse food - even food you know they like! - because they want to find out whether or not that's permitted.

You asked a leading question and then didn’t like the answer and now are wondering what to do
it is fairly normal at that age to decide you don’t like a parent or what to live with them
afrer a telling off

you Need to decide if he is an equal parent and let him act like one and tell her off or not

Literally no one is suggesting that but you don't seem to understand the impact you're having on your child's mental health. In her short life already she has witnessed mum and dad splitting up, not seeing her dad for years, mum getting with a new man and remarrying and moving in with a man who shouts and screams to get his way. I really don't understand people who move so fast like this with children, which meet men and admit they have red flags but still proceed when kids are involved.

Your dumping so much on this poor little girl by getting in her head and saying absolutely fucking ridiculous stuff like this. Pack it in, sort your relationship bullshit out and out her first.

I don’t know where to begin with this why on Earth a parent would ask that question? A 4 year old child just having been told off really does not have a sensible perspective about that adult. As a parent it’s up to you to teach a child how to navigate their feelings

At about 6, one of mine fell down a slope and insisted that he was never going outside again. He also told me, in a rage, that he hated going upstairs and wanted to live in a bungalow.

Input and feedback are all well and good, but not in anger or when any emotions are high really. You need to keep regular lines of communication open and balance emotional outbursts with what she says and how she acts the rest of the time

This. So strange.

Why the hell are you asking a 4 year old such questions? The problem isn't her, or her stepfather, it is you if you feel this is the right way to deal with issues.

You’re the one who posted on Mumsnet.
You’re the one who opened herself up to criticism.
You’re the one who’s now decided she can’t take the criticism she signed up for.

This is Mumsnet, @Diregoat91— unless you’re a spanking brand new member who’s never ever seen the site in your livelong life before, you quite surely knew what would happen when you posted your divisive post about your 4-yr-old child.

Naivety isn’t gonna work. OpinionsRUs

She four and traumatised by seeing her real dad

Stop making it worse. Provide a loving stable home. Be a parent.

You should never have put that idea in her head and make her feels it’s her decision. You are being unbelievably unfair. Sort yourself out

I don't think you should have asked her 'did she want to live with Stepdad (who had just told her off) or just you'. You've just planted this seed in her head now.

You put the words in her mouth. It wasn't a spontaneous statement 🙄

I think you were good to ask your child that question, but it was pointless if you don’t listen to the answer. She doesn’t have to love your partner just because she’s lived with him a while and it’s quite possible that she never will, no matter what he does for her. Children don’t really need or want step parents.

She just had a first bivit with bio dad
She is only four
She s confused and anxious
Talk to a family therapist about how to handle this
Do not ask her who she wants to live with!
Talk to someone with her step dad too. Go gently

You can ask a 14 year old who they want to live with
A 4 year old can't understand the full picture

"I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'."

I'm sure this was well meaning but I think it would be better not to say good in future: you are potentially modelling that if you get angry/upset with someone they might leave. That might be counter productive in terms of making your daughter feel secure. Your DD needs to know that people in a family can very upset with each other and still all stay together. It's also too much responsibility for a 4 year old.

You seem to be blowing this massively out of proportion. You asked her a loaded question (unsure why you felt the need to ask this) - of course she is going to say she just wants to live with you when she has just been told off - she is 4 years old. Spiralling into panic and being “devastated” is very ott and dramatic.

DD did not tell you she didn't love her step dad. You put a loaded question in her head she doesn't even have the capacity to understand the implications of. I don't think an emotionally mature adult would even contemplate putting a loaded question like that in a 4 year old childs head. This isn't about the step dad or the child. I think OP has some serious growing up to do if she can't see why this is so inappropriate.

She's 4!
I'm not sure why your upset when you asked a leading question when she had been told off and was upset.

Her response is a normal 4 year olds one. DS1 when told off and upset at 4 years old has said he wants his little brother to disappear, that I'm mean and he wants to live with daddy (we are married live in the same house no sign of splitting) and that he wants to live with his great granny because she gives him cake!

None of it we take as serious or personal they are learning about emotional regulation.
Agree with your husband boundaries but christ Mark this up as a lesson on what not to ask a upset 4 year old!

Read How to Talk so Kids Will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk https://amzn.eu/d/07prTNYp

I was frequently told by my four year old that he "didn't love me anymore" and that he "didn't want to live with me he wanted it to be just him and our dog"

On the other hand, very young children who have suffered awful abuse at the hands of a parent will cry, and say they love that parent and basically be desperate not to be separated from them. If social services/the police valued the child's "input" above all things, quite a lot of convicted child abusers would be living with their children not in prison

It is absolutely right to put your child's needs and welfare above everything else. It isn't possible to get an accurate idea of what's best a four year olds welfare by asking the four year old though.

I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me.

Did you mean it as a threat of some kind? Along the lines of “you’d better be nice to Ben or I’ll send him away”? I can’t fathom why you’d ask an already emotional 4 year old that question. She’s 4! She doesn’t have the capacity to think of such an adult scenario.

It's great that you are taking her feelings into account. But, in my experience 4 year olds go very much on what they are feeling right NOW! When my son was 3-5, me and daddy were the people he loved most, but the person who just told him off was most definately the one he was most pissed off with and loved least at that moment! If you'd given him the chance to move away from that person, he'd have embraced it totally! I think it just is surprising that you 1) gave a pissed off kid an opportunity to reject someone 2) are surprised/heart broken that she did. 3) Are acting like you'd be an awful parent if you didn't make a life changing decision, because you think it's good for the kid, based on one comment she made while annoyed. Obviously if she keeps making comments about not wanting to live with him, that would be different.

I don't think she did say that and she's only 4 but if she did say she doesn't love her stepdad she's perfectly entitled to.

Why should she love him? He's nothing to her.

Imagine you'd found the stepdad when she was 18 and she hated him, you'd have no right to expect or demand she love him. A stepparent has no biological connection and are typically late arrivals. they need to earn love and respect.

I appreciate you probably were just trying to understand her feelings, but children are fickle things and it is not remotely unusual for a parent to fall out of favour because they didn't enjoy them disciplining them. Also, it's not unusual to have a preferred parent. My daughter will often say, she only wants me and she doesn't want daddy and she wishes he wasn't here. But what she says is contradicted by her daily actions and the interactions she has with him, so I know not to give it any weight.

I imagine this contact she's had with her bio dad has caused you a lot of anxiety and you're perhaps looking for signs that it's unsettled her in some way and reading too much into things. I really don't think you need to be worried that she’s suddenly rejecting her stepdad. She most likely was not impressed with his firmness and then played to that when you asked her a very leading question that gave her the opportunity to express her displeasure at being told off.