Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

[Diregoat91]

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

What a weird thing to ask her, especially as he’d just disciplined her. Tomorrow you should ask her if she’d like to only eat sweets instead of vegetables maybe?

I think your 4 year old is struggling at the moment , she is meeting her biological dad for the first time in a strange place and is obviously prob confused and feeling a bit insecure and emotional and for some reason it’s affected her relationship with her stepdad , has her biological dad been undermining stepdads role in her life causing her to reject him .?

I wonder if, perhaps, you’ve read too many threads on here saying very clearly that you must always put your child first and ditch the adult. If that’s the case, I think maybe you’ve sort of misunderstood.

That is true, however the time to put your child ahead is where he’s behaving abusively, or alternatively where you’ve moved a man in too quickly with an obviously traumatized child who can’t cope.

Neither of those apply here. I would have tried to calm my daughter and might have had a quiet word with my partner if I felt his parenting was a bit harsh, but I would never, ever have jumped straight to “maybe he should move out”.

Putting the child first is something that is nuanced. If you think real harm is likely to occur because of the situation, then that is the right thing to do, but I wouldn’t throw out a partner who was behaving in a reasonable manner, because my child was upset once, or even several times. You’ve jumped right in to wondering if you have to kick him out and then you’ve spread that thought to her, when it wouldn’t have entered her mind that was even a possibility.

While she’s starting to meet with her biological dad, she’s going to be unsettled. She needs stability and that includes from her stepdad as well as you. She might easily be upset and therefore grumpier with both of you. That doesn’t mean either of you has done anything bad, even if you get something wrong now and then. Unfortunately, suggesting another profound change in her life at the same time another is being forced on her is more likely to unsettle her more.

So for now, I think I’d drop it as, any further mention will only make it worse. She’s four and not of an age to reason things out yet. What she said was a reaction to the situation. She’s going to tell him sometimes that she wishes he wasn’t there and that he’s ‘not my real dad’. I bet she will sometimes tell you she hates you, before she’s grown up. You wouldn’t suggest moving out yourself, so unless your partner and daughter are at loggerheads and he’s behaving in ways that will harm her, there’s no call to jumping into thinking he has to go. There’s a long time to go before she leaves home, so unless you want to be alone for that entire time, you need to learn to manage the occasional conflict.

Good luck, OP.

Her input is only valid when she is old enough and emotionally mature enough to comprehend what on earth you are asking her and what it means and the implications of it.

4 years old is crazy to be asking such questions.

That is labelling emotional baggage on a child who has no idea what it really means. She already is dealing with seeing dad in a contact centre and trying to comprehend that she has a dad and a step dad. That's already a huge amount for a 5 year old.

Yup first line gets it, I agree.

Totally inappropriate.

You shouldn't have a partner around your child if you're going to do things like this. I think you could benefit from counselling/family therapy to discuss these dynamics. This would be so helpful to a 4 year old in this situation. Sincerely, a psychotherapist.

Do you want to,leave your relationship , OP? It sounds as if you are reliant on your DP for financial support, maybe you don’t really like him that much ( though he sounds okay tbh).

if that’s the case, face up to it, but don’t try to use your child as the stalking horse.

I hope you are not being this erratic infront of the child.

What the heck?
Why on earth did you ask her that? You sound unhinged. If you can see how wrong this is then I question your emotional intelligence.
Plus you disrespected your partner. He was right to tell her off with a stern voice. And the fact you don't like it, and then had an argument about it, and then asked her that question. All of that is so wrong.

A very leading question to a four year old and I’m not sure what you’d expect when he just told her off. You might want to discuss discipline with him in general (sending her away to the living room sits a little uncomfortably, can’t he discuss with her where things need to go and let her rectify?) and the coparenting approach but really you can’t be asking questions of her that she can’t possibly fathom the complexity of. Her “input” was lead by your question. If she was crying herself to sleep and asking to live with just you, I’d be taking serious action but it sounds like she has otherwise been settled with your set up.

If you asked a child if they would rather see their Grandma or watch Bluey and eat ice cream they might well choose Bluey!!! It doesn’t mean they don’t love Grandma….

She's 4 ffs 🙄

Stop projecting and grow up.

Why did you ask her this question? 😵‍💫

Particularly after he’s just admonished her for something 🙄

Are you ok OP? Just sounds manipulative on your part to be honest. And now theatrically wringing your hands about it 🙄🤦🏻

Is it possible you were feeling on edge because of your daughter's visit to her biological dad, and you were hoping for her to reassure you that she prefers her stepdad/isn't going to start clamouring for more visits? I'm not suggesting that you did this consciously, as it's very easy for raw emotions to take over when people are upset without them necessarily realising. But your wording does make it sound as if you were fishing for a specific response and are panicking that you didn't get it.

Four-year-olds generally live in the moment and struggle to see beyond it. I have a vivid memory of myself at that age bursting into tears and telling my mum that I didn't love her any more and I was going to run away and live somewhere else, all because she hadn't let me have exactly what I wanted for a bedtime snack. Half an hour later she was tucking me into bed with cuddles and a story and I was back to thinking she was the best mummy in the world. This is how children are at that age. You shouldn't put too much weight on what your daughter says in one isolated moment of distress. Unless she's consistently expressing unhappiness about similar things, she's probably fine.

Sorry but this seems to be you just handling it wrong. Firstly letting her hear you undermine stepdad will make her think he was wrong not her, and then why would you ask her who she wants to live with? That’s so ridiculous. Of course
shes going to say that because you asked her and to her that is the right answer you are looking for in her mind. Kids don’t like being told off and say all sorts of things. You should have played down the entire thing, not argued and then been United with stepdad until she’s done sulking at which point you and stepdad and her can make an effort to come back together

And now she will keep doing this to divide and conquer and your poor husband will be feeling like you are ready to leave him at the drop of a hat over the words of a kid. Talk about laying down eggshells for the whole family.

Definitely. It is a leading question.

Nope, just pointing out that it was an inappropriate question at the time. Because it was.

I went away this weekend and my son (6) told me he didn’t miss me… kids say all sorts, don’t take it to heart.

A 4 year old.

Who has just met her bio dad.

You dumped your baggage on a 4 year old, and gave a 4 year old a choice about who she wants to live with.

Hoping she would assuage your anxiety and give you the answer you want.

You can't be serious.

You made a mistake asking her that question. It was not appropriate.

Learn from that, and from so many of us here telling you that.

We expect our children to learn from us, but how can they do that if we don't learn from our own mistakes and others' wisdom?

Climb down off that high horse, stop being so defensive and don't do it again.

Re the contact centre - did you ask for it? Did he? Did the court? I can't imagine how confusing that must have been for her. The thought there might be other living options available might have crossed her mind before you even asked her.

And some therapy for you might be a good idea.

Well, heck. All you did was use your DD as a pawn to make a dig at your OH. You needed affirmation that she loves you best? What did you expect her to say? "I want to only live with SD!". You would have loved that.

Stop asking a 4-year-old such divisive questions that are above her understanding.

FFS!

Of course, now you've run off because what? You wanted a bunch of people to exclaim, "LTB!" and commiserate with you? After your post, I am more inclined to say that to your OH.

Because it is not an age appropriate question. She is 4 and looks to you for stability. She is already likely feeling a bit confused having met her biological father and is wondering where everyone fits, and now you have asked a question which suggests that living with her stepfather is optional. You don't need her "input" on big issues like that because she is only 4.

She's 4. I have a 4 year old and if I was to ask him who he wanted to live with it would change on a daily basis. And that's living with both his mum and his dad. Depends on the day, what he's been told off for, who has been more fun or if he's feeling needy.

I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'

Why on earth did you ask her that? You literally put the words into her mouth. Kids say all kinds of stuff they don't mean. Don't take it too seriously.

That's an unfair comment. My DH moved in with me and DD when she was 2. He's still here, she's a teenager and they are very close.