Daughter told me she doesn't love stepdad

[Diregoat91]

Hi all. This is my first post but I am struggling and need some advice. I have anxiety and depression which is currently spiralling due to the fact that my 4 year old daughter told me today she did not love her stepdad and wanted to live with 'just mummy' in her words, even though we have lived with her stepdad for the past 2 years and she has said she loved him all of the time, gave him cuddles, showed affection etc he took her on as his own. It's only just seemed to have recently changed after her first visit with her bio dad at a contact centre. From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing! Today she put some cutlery into the bin instead of the sink, to which her stepdad told her don't do that, go into the lounge (he didn't shout, just has a stern/raised voice every now and then to get his point across, which sometimes I'll admit I don't always like). She then proceeds to cry and run into the living room. After calming her down I then confront him, have a disagreement as to how he handled things to which she then hears us and gets upset again. I have to stop and calm her down again. After a while she is okay and I have a discussion with her. I ask whether she wants to live with her stepdad and me or just me. She says 'just mummy'. I'm so heartbroken right now and confused because she has done the opposite for 2 years, said she loved him and always cuddled him. He disciplined her (temporarily taking away games or telling her to go to her room for a time out) if I needed the extra help or she was being too naughty or I wasn't stern enough (must be a man thing when kids decide to listen to the dad - she sometimes doesn't take me seriously!)

I'm extremely lost right now and devastated, especially after she has only seen her bio dad ONCE who has never had her best interests at heart (even the social worker said this) who I had originally left due to domestic violence/drug abuse from him after he got arrested and was given a no-contact order.

She is starting school in September and we have settled down into the area. She is generally a happy, loving, funny girl and does as she is told (but does try to push boundaries like all young kids do). I'm so confused and upset I don't know what's happened to make her say these things. I know that if she keeps saying it I'll have to move out with her but it's difficult as I cannot work until she starts school, it will be even harder living on my own. Please no harsh judgements, I need to know if I should try to fix things or give it time or what...I'm so unsure.

Sort it out with your dp what the rules are and stick.to them .seems weird that it's OK sometimes for him to discipline him then suddenly it's not and as for asking if she wants to live with just you what an overreaction .

Kids don’t like being told off. If I counted the number of times I have heard ‘mummy I’m not your friend’ or I don’t like you etc, when I say no to stuff, I would be rich.

I agree you asked a very confusing question and you shouldn’t be undermining your partner in front of her. Likewise you shouldn’t let him speak to her in a way you don’t like but there are constructive ways to address this. She is only 4, and you broke up with someone when she was a baby and have moved in with someone else. Give her a break, it’s a lot of upheaval.

@Diregoat91 For what its worth, I know how much depression and DV can screw up your own confidence in your own judgement. Especially when it comes to your own children, its natural to be afraid of letting them down somehow, not standing up for their needs. But I don't think the right approach is asking your child unfortunately. If you have not done the freedom programme/had any counselling can I suggest it? Nothing you have said about your partner sounds abusive - but you need to feel confident in yourself that you can spot the signs. Otherwise you might end up being hypervigilant to danger if that makes sense.

Weird question to ask a 4 year old. Obviously she’s going to say just you if she’s just been told off by him.

Poor bloody kid, you must’ve moved him
in fast if he’s been in her life since she was 2.

Perhaps putting your child first would be a good thing. It doesn’t sound like you have very good judgement at all.

My daughter regularly says she hates whichever parent just told her off, which is mostly my DH. It doesn't make me question anything other than sometimes my DHs parenting skills, but I'm not going to start any existential discussions with a small child over it...

Because it was a bloody stupid question!

my 4 year old would eat chocolate for every meal and sleep in the cats bed if I offered them as options.

You created this whole drama- over a fork!!!
Ridiculous

Are you doing okay? Are you getting help for your anxiety and depression? Perhaps you could ask your GP about further support? Unfortunately your ideas about parent child relationships are off beam. After a little argument like that, to then ask your daughter who she wants to live with is massively destabilising for her. She already has a lot of transition at the moment (seeing her dad, starting big school) please seek support to help with your parenting- to make sure your much loved daughter feels safe to just be a child.

Sounds like he's too strict to me. Making parenting a battle doesn't work in the long run. I wouldn't let him be overly stern with my child.

The problem is she doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with her judgment on this. I hate to say it but this kid is going to end seriously messed up if this is just a snapshot of the kind of emotional baggage her head is being filled with by her mother.

Agree with someone else who said why even ask that question about living location.

that aside I’ve been through the same - DD now a teen. DD has been through same highs and lows with stepdad. Same issues around different discipline methods (men discipline differently and there’s quite a lot of evidence to suggest it is good to have exposure to different types just don’t undermine him). It’s a different relationship and is still new frankly, combined with confusion associated with there being a Dad in the background who will have achieved mythical status in her mind (because while he is a douchebag, you must never badmouth him). Be supportive of your DD and your partner. She’ll favour him over you at the point it suits her

Devastated, heartbroken and confused because your 4 year old said she doesn’t love her step dad?

I don’t get it.

If this is true and you’re not just being pathetically dramatic then you genuinely need counselling and parenting classes.

You've put to much pressure on her OP she's 4. Step away from the big questions for now and focus on clearing your head for your own sake. Focus on healing yourself first. Only then can you see things clearly enough to tackle parenthood with what is needed

Stepdad sounds great tbh but as always keep and objective eye on thing but don't pressure your daughter to be the one making these decisions. It's something u need to consider. She is 4 and what they like or want changes from 1 minute to the next, depends on the colours of a shor to being given a lollipop they'll be your friend forever. Or hate you for the stupidest of things so stop asking her big stuff. Re focus. Re set. And re plan your approach once you've the headspace to do so

I don't have any children, but I hear what my neighbours 2 young children say. Their poor dad regularly hears the dreaded words. I hate you, telling my nan on you as they reel off a list of daddy wrongs. And the next day he is back to been super dad.

Nobody is acting like that and getting defensive won't help.

People are being honest. That's what you came here for.

Your DD is FOUR. Her 'input' as to the running of the house or how she should be parented is not required. It's your job to advocate for her but asking her if she wants to live with her Step-Dad just after he told her off is literally asking for her to say what she said. Kids can be really harsh with their words when angry (if you haven't had your first 'I hate you!' from her yet, believe me it's coming!).

It sounds like he has been an actual Dad to her, unlike her bio Dad, but she won't really get her head around what that means for at least another decade. You're expecting her to be a lot more grown up than she is capable of and that's unfair to both her and your DP.

She’s confused about her dad vs her step dad, feeling all these emotions then you decide to have that convo with her & ask her she wants to live with? No wonder the poor girl is struggling. You shouldn’t have phrased it like that at all. You could have asked her about her feelings without that question, there’s lots of ways to get her input without that question when she’s already dealing with big emotions. It doesn’t sound like you’ve got a future with this man if that’s the type of thing you ask her over a simple issue

Why you you ask a young upset child such a complex question ? What did you think she would say he had just upset her and then the poor child had to listen to you argue of course that would be her answer

Does DD call stepdad Daddy?

She might be confused about who actually IS her Daddy?

You’re giving her too much choice OP, she’s 4. I have a 5.5 year old nephew he would have no idea about choices like that.

You do the parenting, you set the boundaries. You need to speak to her about the recent changes seeing the bio dad, you need to decide what the role of her step father is together with him.

I would also add to the pot that the op is dealing with big emotions of DD seeing bio dad, especially as contact centre is mentioned and we don't know what the background is. I think that your DH is probably trying to hold everything together right now.

I definitely would look into getting support with your mh if not so already.

And yes, it was a bit of a ridiculous situation you got yourself into but clearly you are struggling.

(P.s. from op's tone earlier I don't imagine they will be reading all these posts...)

She's 4 years old. If you asked her if she wanted to eat her dinner or have a big bag of chocolate buttons would you be planning to feed her only chocolate from now on? Does she want to go to bed/brush her teeth/put her shoes on or watch TV? Sometimes small children don't make decisions in their best interests and to suggest to her that she has responsibility for splitting up you and her stepdad is mind-boggling.

You’re asking a 4 year old to choose between circumstances which could impact their whole life, not what they want for dinner ffs. They wont understand the consequences at that age.

It was very naïve of you to put this in her mind.

I am a retired psychotherapist who worked mainly with young people.

Split and blended families are part of life now. They probably aren't any more damaging than tortured, dysfunctional. unhappy families and marriages were 100 years ago.

What is very damaging to young, developing minds is a sense of insecurity. A feeling that they don't have a fixed home and a safe place to be, even when they are at odds with their caregivers. It is massively damaging and painful for them to be given faux choices about where they should live and who they should live with.

Children need boundaries. They need to know where they belong and who they belong to at all times. They, shouldn't be burdened with a sense that they have the power to uproot their lives on a whim.

From the notes I can see she had spoken to him about toys and what she likes etc and smiled non stop but hadn't said I love you or I want to see you again, nothing!

That's a lot of pressure and expectations for a 4 year old! Maybe she didn't express herself fully to her bio dad as a way of protecting herself not knowing when she might see him again or maybe was just being a 4 year old and not yet able to articulate well.

She is also about to go through a big transition to start school so a bit of stability from you and how you react is crucial. You need to take charge and parent her not ask her questions about who she wants lives with and put that level of responsibility on her. If you don't want to be with the stepdad then leave but not because she said so!

Maybe ask for some counselling as experiencing DV can leave it's mark and sounds like you got into another relationship too soon after her dad.