Am I expecting too much from men?

[Gabitule]

Brace yourself for a long one 😬. Sorry, I’m upset 😞.

I am in my early 40s and have been single for much of my adult life (although I have dated A LOT). One would say that I am too fussy but I just think that I just have reasonably high standards (but I never expect more than I give).

For the last few years I've been mostly using online dating apps with disastrous results (I won't go into details here but those who use online dating probably know what I mean). Aprox 3.5 months ago I met a guy who ticks most of my boxes (probably more than any other guy before) and who claims that I tick his :). He is obviously not perfect but nor am I so I can live with certain differences. The only thing that really concerns me is that we don't seem to speak the same language. I think that there are some issues with his emotional awareness/ intelligence but he tells me that none of his exes complained about this before...so I'm starting to wonder if the issue is in fact with me and my unreasonable expectations...

To give you little examples - when we met, from the first date actually, he would book a restaurant for us on a particular evening and only after he booked it he would ask me if I was free that evening. If I wasn't, it meant that he had to cancel the restaurant. I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't ask if I was free before booking the restaurant. This happened more than once.

He tells me that he never cries. Not at movies, not at sad stories, nothing. He says that he feels the pain inside but doesn't need to cry. I personally find that weird.

He tells me how much he adores me and how serious he is about a future with me but I don't feel the emotion behind his words. I often wonder if he chose me with his head because I tick so many of his boxes, and not with his heart. He insists that he feels immense passion... I can see that he is desperate to convince me... There's a disconnect...

And now onto the troubles that make me sad...

I have been unwell earlier in the week. He texted me throughout the day on Monday (not texting was also an issue in the beginning but he got better at it). On Tuesday -nothing. My friends texted me in the morning to check how I was feeling but he didn't. Just before lunchtime I texted him to ask why he wasn't checking on me. He explained that, if his experience, whenever he was sick, people wouldn't text him in the morning if they had also texted him the night before to check on him. And that he thought lunchtime was the right time to text me again to ask about my health. But he thanked me for letting him know my preferences. In that moment I understood that he was a robot, that my preferences had been updated in the system and that, from that moment on, he would always text me first thing in the morning whenever I'm unwell! I wanted to scream - ''what is wrong with waking up in the morning, thinking about me as you say you always do, and sending me a quick text to ask how I'm feeling. Why wait until lunchtime''?!! But I somehow managed to hold my frustrations in... He really is doing his best and tries to improve.

And then it happened again today... He booked a night away for us on Saturday to do something that I like. This is very sweet of him and I am touched. (I had also booked a weekend away for us in the past). We agreed that I'd go over his place tomorrow night so we can have an entire romantic weekend. Then today he texted me with plans for the weekend and said about tomorrow ''eat at yours before and come any time after 7:30''. When I asked why we are meeting late and what about dinner, he clarified that he wanted to go to the gym after work and that he was planning on eating before gym. He didn't think about eating with me and whatever that involved (whether it's cooking, ordering a take away or buying food) in order to ''put less pressure on himself''. So whilst I imagined us meeting straight after work, having dinner together, having a drink, chatting, laughing etc he wanted me to eat at home and go to him as close to bedtime as possible?? I have cooked for him several times. He never cooked for me (he did take me out to dinner but, in my eyes, booking a restaurant when you have money does not involve as much effort as planning and cooking a 3 course dinner (which also costs money!). I don't expect him to cook as he doesn't like cooking, but he could at least offer to buy me some food. Give me the opportunity to say ''don't worry honey, I'll eat at home'', don't tell me to come to you already fed! Anyway, I got upset, I called him selfish and unusual. He got very upset, he thinks I'm ungrateful considering that he booked a night away for me.

I don't know what to think anymore. Am I too difficult and demanding or is his attitude not right for a guy who claims is crazy about me. Especially so early on in the relationship?

You're too difficult and you sound very high maintenance. Sorry.

You don't sound a good match

It does sound a bit like you are making problems where there aren't any. Getting upset over not receiving a call before lunch and because he'd like to exercise make you sound quite high maintenance. Calling him selfish for wanting to go to the gym and not magically knowing that you've envisioned a romantic encounter is pretty out of order. You owe him an apology.

It's not 'too much' it's just oddly specific? And you write like you think it's just common sense or what everyone would want.. like he should just know..
So I think it's more about being flexible.. you say you accept someone isn't going to be perfect.. but then you've written an OP which very much suggests you are looking for very specific things and ways of behaving in someone. It's not that your expectations are high it's that you have them. And they seem to be very specific.
You've called him unusual.. like you are the arbiter of normalcy..
I mean the only way you'll get your expectations met is to acknowledge they exist and are in fact things you want.. then upfront ask for them to happen.
Rather than just reacting when they aren't met and thinking he should have known. Particularly when you say things like you don't mind him not cooking.. but then saying how you cooked for him.. clearly you expect something in return which is totally understandable.. but you probably shouldn't give the impression that you don't care about him not cooking.. if you actually do care iyswim.. thats probably very confusing.
It's OK to have standards but you need to communicate them and not just assume everyone has the same standards and if they don't then they are unusual.

Yes, YABVU (I know this is in Relationships, but you have asked if YABU)

He tells me that he never cries. Not at movies, not at sad stories, nothing. He says that he feels the pain inside but doesn't need to cry. I personally find that weird.

That's not weird.
I've been with my dh well over 30 years, and I've only once seen him cry - at the birth of dc1 after a long and difficult labour.
I never saw my Dad cry until the day he died.
I don't think that is unusual at all.

The booking the restaurant without checking if you are free is a bit odd - but there are threads on MN about how people expect a new date to act which imply there are people who would like the idea.

The texting thing - quite frankly, I'd be well annoyed if I were lying in bed feeling unwell, and anyone were texting me for updates throughout the day. Again, this is personal preference. How is he supposed to know you are so needy?

The fact he takes a note of what you like, or what upsets you and then tries to do / not do it, sounds really considerate. It is odd that you think this is a negative thing.

If I am sick, someone texting me first thing in the morning might wake me up and interrupt my rest. I would appreciate someone who has the good sense to wait until later in the day.

Am I too difficult and demanding

Yes.

Your instincts are telling you this man does not truly care about you. I would listen to them. The grand gestures he makes, like booking trips you would like, mean nothing if he is continually insensitive and robotic.
The low emotional affect worries you and it should. He seems to be low in empathy, so I'd steer clear. Been there, done that, have the scars. My ex was unable to cry as well and had low emotional intelligence. That turned out to be a disaster of massive proportions.
Women, in general, expect far too little from men. It's healthy to expect men to reciprocate caring and sensitivity.

I feel like you have incompatible ways of dealing with things OP. Like you dont quite get each other?
He may also be a robot, but I dont feel like he's bad, just different from you?

You sound pretty controlling OP, and I don’t see the relationship going far. It just sounds such hard work and exhausting, especially so early into the relationship.

You sound quite difficult and very, very needy.

So whilst I imagined us meeting straight after work, having dinner together, having a drink, chatting, laughing etc

Like some daft rom-com? So what you "imagine" is the absolute way everything has to be? He wanted to meet at 7:30pm, hardly late or unusual.

It's not his fault he doesn't cry when he feels pain, it's just the way he is. Hell I wish I could've turned off the waterworks sometimes when I was younger, it was one big weep-athon😭

You sound like really hard work OP, sorry.

Look at all the pick-me types telling you to take this kind of behaviour from men and you're unreasonable if you don't. 🙄
Ignore them. If these things bother you, then you're not with the right guy. Don't be gaslighted into ignoring your instincts about him. Your spidey senses feel something is wrong with him. That alone is reason enough to end it.

@Gabitule
MN seems very 'fighty' lately, please dont take the critical replies too personally.
(Mind you I do think he's maybe not deep enough for you)

Damn it! Hit YANBU when I meant to say You Are!
You need to go with the flow. You're over thinking massively.
You sound like you're approaching this relationship very analytically.
Where's the fun??

The point is that it bothers her. She wants to be with someone who expresses emotions, and she says this guy is robotic and unemotional in general. He is not right for her.

You're not compatible by what you have said but I do think you need to be a bit less rigid , the crying for example, if he says he doesn't cry, why don't you believe him? Some people don't cry.

Why are you so much like hard work? Tell us about your childhood.

Exactly. She wants somebody expressive and sensitive. This is clearly not the right guy.
These people putting her down for that are awful. She's allowed to want that in a man, FFS.

Just before lunchtime I texted him to ask why he wasn't checking on me.
Honestly, after 3.5 months you are not his responsibility.

It sounds a lot like teething issues to me. You both are getting use to one another and although I don’t think your expectations are necessarily unreasonable, I don't think it’s fair to assume he will meet all of them without knowing you fully first.

Some people prefer to be left alone when they aren’t feeling well, others would prefer to be checked on. When you told him you were expecting a morning text he took it on board which I would see as a positive thing.

You said he says he crazy about you but you don’t say how you feel about him. Could it be, your concern about him choosing with his head and not his heart, is actually something you are doing?

Look at all the pick-me types

Mature that, insulting / name calling everyone who holds a different opinion from you

@XChrome - the OP isn't asking if they are compatible though, or if she should stay with him, she wants to know whether she is expecting too much. That is what people are answering.

It doesn't sound like you're a good match. You talk about him as though he's a faceless, nameless accessory to your narrative, and you're peevish when he goes off script. The right person for you is someone who you see and appreciate for who they are; someone who you care about.

You sound incredibly high maintenance and like a massive over thinker.
Who cares if he books restaurants and then cancels them. I booked a restaurant recently when I'd arranged to meet friends because I fancied it and knew it got busy. I just hoped my friends would want to go when I mentioned it and if they didn't I would have cancelled.
He actually sounds like quite a considerate man given what you have said about him. Most men would tell you to fuck off or just ignore your demands and expectations.
Maybe a bit of therapy might help you in terms of being able to navigate relationship expectations.

Regarding the crying. Men don't cry as much as women in general. I've seen my dp cry a couple of times in the 20 years we've been together and that was mental health related. The only time I saw my Dad cry was when my mum died and at her funeral. He didn't even cry when he was told he was going to die or as he was dying. Men are conditioned by society not to cry, so I think you'll be looking for a long time for one that cries at a movie.