Am I expecting too much from men?

[Gabitule]

Brace yourself for a long one 😬. Sorry, I’m upset 😞.

I am in my early 40s and have been single for much of my adult life (although I have dated A LOT). One would say that I am too fussy but I just think that I just have reasonably high standards (but I never expect more than I give).

For the last few years I've been mostly using online dating apps with disastrous results (I won't go into details here but those who use online dating probably know what I mean). Aprox 3.5 months ago I met a guy who ticks most of my boxes (probably more than any other guy before) and who claims that I tick his :). He is obviously not perfect but nor am I so I can live with certain differences. The only thing that really concerns me is that we don't seem to speak the same language. I think that there are some issues with his emotional awareness/ intelligence but he tells me that none of his exes complained about this before...so I'm starting to wonder if the issue is in fact with me and my unreasonable expectations...

To give you little examples - when we met, from the first date actually, he would book a restaurant for us on a particular evening and only after he booked it he would ask me if I was free that evening. If I wasn't, it meant that he had to cancel the restaurant. I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't ask if I was free before booking the restaurant. This happened more than once.

He tells me that he never cries. Not at movies, not at sad stories, nothing. He says that he feels the pain inside but doesn't need to cry. I personally find that weird.

He tells me how much he adores me and how serious he is about a future with me but I don't feel the emotion behind his words. I often wonder if he chose me with his head because I tick so many of his boxes, and not with his heart. He insists that he feels immense passion... I can see that he is desperate to convince me... There's a disconnect...

And now onto the troubles that make me sad...

I have been unwell earlier in the week. He texted me throughout the day on Monday (not texting was also an issue in the beginning but he got better at it). On Tuesday -nothing. My friends texted me in the morning to check how I was feeling but he didn't. Just before lunchtime I texted him to ask why he wasn't checking on me. He explained that, if his experience, whenever he was sick, people wouldn't text him in the morning if they had also texted him the night before to check on him. And that he thought lunchtime was the right time to text me again to ask about my health. But he thanked me for letting him know my preferences. In that moment I understood that he was a robot, that my preferences had been updated in the system and that, from that moment on, he would always text me first thing in the morning whenever I'm unwell! I wanted to scream - ''what is wrong with waking up in the morning, thinking about me as you say you always do, and sending me a quick text to ask how I'm feeling. Why wait until lunchtime''?!! But I somehow managed to hold my frustrations in... He really is doing his best and tries to improve.

And then it happened again today... He booked a night away for us on Saturday to do something that I like. This is very sweet of him and I am touched. (I had also booked a weekend away for us in the past). We agreed that I'd go over his place tomorrow night so we can have an entire romantic weekend. Then today he texted me with plans for the weekend and said about tomorrow ''eat at yours before and come any time after 7:30''. When I asked why we are meeting late and what about dinner, he clarified that he wanted to go to the gym after work and that he was planning on eating before gym. He didn't think about eating with me and whatever that involved (whether it's cooking, ordering a take away or buying food) in order to ''put less pressure on himself''. So whilst I imagined us meeting straight after work, having dinner together, having a drink, chatting, laughing etc he wanted me to eat at home and go to him as close to bedtime as possible?? I have cooked for him several times. He never cooked for me (he did take me out to dinner but, in my eyes, booking a restaurant when you have money does not involve as much effort as planning and cooking a 3 course dinner (which also costs money!). I don't expect him to cook as he doesn't like cooking, but he could at least offer to buy me some food. Give me the opportunity to say ''don't worry honey, I'll eat at home'', don't tell me to come to you already fed! Anyway, I got upset, I called him selfish and unusual. He got very upset, he thinks I'm ungrateful considering that he booked a night away for me.

I don't know what to think anymore. Am I too difficult and demanding or is his attitude not right for a guy who claims is crazy about me. Especially so early on in the relationship?

Either she hasn’t had any real problems, or she has had some deep stuff happen and now she is subconsciously self sabotaging, and sensitive to things that she may be reading into because of fear. The alternative is that she is genuinely falsely believing that this guy is disingenuous, maybe he’s different to other men she has known/in her family. OR she is picking up on something disingenuous about this guy that’s a reality. That’s a risk we take with love. Some things we can see, others time will tell, but one thing I would suggest is that if she’s “not that into him” and is getting bugged by minor things because she’s not really fallen for him, that she lets him go. Other things time will reveal. If there is any issues because of the past, and things she may have been through, this is not his fault, and he may turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her. Love and getting to know someone can be a tricky thing.

I understand why you're single and wouldn't recommend you to any of my single mates.

She’s not single, she’s with this guy, and hopefully she’s silent on here because they are having an amazing romantic weekend together, let’s hope hey

@Bluebird987 unlikely after she blew up at him and called him selfish. Funny he's not emotional apparently but that obviously hurt him. I don't think there is any going back as OP wants someone to be romantic and demonstrative without having to be told first and he's obviously not that kind of person. I'm sure there are men out there like that but these days you have to watch out for "love bombing" instead! Not an expert on that just throwing it out there from what I've learnt on here.

I also think there is often a disparity between what men and women expect texting wise. Men don't tend to text that often (generalising of course) whereas a lot of women need to be in constant contact. I know some of my male family members have struggled with how much their gfs expect them to text. One would automatically assume he was with another woman just if he turned his phone off!

You’re looking for a crier who likes frequent texting and cooking three course meals. He is not that man. Move on.

I agree with this. You do seem to have very specific requirements, OP, and he’s trying to please you. But you don’t owe anyone a relationship— if you don’t want to continue you don’t have to ask permission.

Nope. I did not say he has done anything wrong. I said she perceived him as being off somehow, not genuine, and emotionally remote. That's her belief, not mine. I have not said he is toxic or abusive, so cut that shit out. I'm responding only to the misgivings she has about him.
My mention of about pick-mes was about the women who were shaming and insulting her, which was certainly not helpful. I was telling her to ignore the nasty ones.
Got it?

Your general tone was off and you judged the guy massively on the very superficial points the OP made. You spoke about him having low EQ,insensitive and robotic, said he seems low in empathy which should worry her, and ranted about pick me girls who would end up in a toxic relationship. Actually I think the ones with low emotional intelligence are you and OP.

Got that?

Have you ever considered that he may be low-level autistic? I work with many autistic older teens, and he is displaying this type of behaviour. Just so you know, though, they can be the most caring and devoted, loyal partners you could ever wish for. However, they may not always get emotional cues or know the right thing to do or sat first time. Booking the restaurant before asking you is an ordering issue. His reaction to you not being pleased he hadn't texted you is genuinely finding out qhY he should do and if I'm correct and he's autistic, he will 100% do what you want from then on in. Autistic people don't cry often. Many low-level autistic adults you would never know were autistic. They can be high functioning professionals.
Just a thought!

I don't think it's about low or high standards. OP sounds anxious about some of the meaning behind his behaviour. She has a fair point on some things but seems picky on others. That's why the mixed replies. People either pick on the bits where he seems reasonable, and OP doesn't, or pick the bits where he does appear lacking and she's being fair. A few examples have been listed, how much one irks more than another is individual. If they start collecting up over time, that's when to pull the plug.
I'd think it odd if someone booked first, then asked later if there was no reason. It wouldn't work as a shift worker, so that stands out to me. Perhaps directly ask him why he does that before knowing if free. The gym is quite important to me, and I'm the type to slack off if I don't maintain going, so that wouldn't be a problem. For whatever reason, he is avoiding entertaining with food at his house, probably not something he's ever done much of, happy enough to receive off others though, not getting the reciprocation aspect, missing that it's bad manners. The more is added to the list, the more anxious the OP gets. Is it him causing the anxiety? Maybe, he undoubtedly has some foibles that would perplex some. Whether down to ND, ignorance or something other. His texting style could be liveable if it weren't for the rest perhaps.

You stated its pick me bullshit to say it’s just a guy being a guy so he’s not emotional- actually it’s not accepting someone for who they are and not listening to the words they have clearly spoken. He told OP that he feels lots but doesn’t express the way she expects. If he was to pander to her every whim and be someone he is not, he’d be the one being the “pick me”, instead he seems very open with OP to express how he is as a person, and also to adjust certain things to meet her expectations that don’t change who he is, but just show he is a reasonably giving and understanding person. She’s so focused on what she’s getting out of him, maybe she’s forgetting that he’s also figuring her out. Both of you sounds like really annoying people to be in a relationship with you you particularly chrome sound like some liberal snowflake entitled spoilt yawn fest.

Never ignore a disconnect. Sounds like he’s on the spectrum to me (high functioning)

Exactly what I think. But he needs treated with some kindness.

Actually funnily enough I have a very high IQ, enough to get into Mensa, like a lot of my family. Thanks for raising the topic. I’m not right wing as I see the issues in politics and I don’t really sit in a box, I have opinions on different topics that could fit into various boxes. This “pick me” stuff is for teenagers and is 100% a liberal snowflake ideology that thinks only of yourself, and treats men like some kind of commodity. I’m neither feminist or chauvinist, but believe in deep respect and care in a relationship. From OPs post, I see a man who is trying to be the best he can be, and a woman whinging because he’s not really what she wants, therefore she is picking at everything, and I don’t believe she would ever be happy with anything in the long term. It could be that she’s just not that into him, or it could be her personality, and the way she would be with any man.

Hey OP! In case you’re still reading, what’s super important is: trust your gut.
that you made this post , clearly feeling uneasy, is your gut telling you something.
none of us have met this man - we’re going on your impressions alone., and the more I read your replies, the more I think you’re actually inclined to be a bit unfair to yourself, and lacking in confidence. I know, you didn’t want to be analyzed, but I’m just saying what I see - it may not be correct - trust yourself!

if he just wants you to turn up at his convenience, forget it - you’re not a takeout meal or a service for him- that’s awful.

at the same time, being crazy about someone isn’t a really healthy goal -

so I’m going to repeat myself and say: focus on healing.

once you raise your standards truly, by being satisfied with your own company and happy, this kind of thing won’t be confusing.

im glad you’ve decided to break up. I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through. It’s never easy.

OP…

Here are some common characteristics of high-functioning autistic men in romantic relationships:

• May struggle with understanding nonverbal cues and social nuances
• Often very loyal and devoted partners once a connection is formed
• Can be highly focused on specific interests or topics
• May have difficulty expressing or recognizing emotions
• Tend to be direct communicators, which can come across as blunt
• May need more alone time or personal space than neurotypical partners
• Can be sensitive to sensory stimuli like loud noises or certain textures
• Often have a strong sense of justice and adhere closely to rules/routines
• May miss subtle hints and prefer direct, clear communication
• Can be extremely logical in their approach to problem-solving
• May have challenges with executive functioning (planning, organization)
• Often have deep empathy but may express it differently
• Can be very detail-oriented and observant

Omg, I logged on this morning and within a few minutes of reading some of the replies on here I was (and am) in tears. So much unnecessary nastiness. To the person who said I’ve never known real problems…arghhh….both my parents died and I came to this country on my own. I experienced my siblings neglecting their little children and there was nothing I could do but send money which was then used on alcohol! If you want to know the rest I could write a MN post on here but I’m sure that will be taken apart too and I’ll be made to come out as the bad guy somehow…

The first thing is, if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. The fact you're asking whether you're expectations are too high in all this is irrelevant. If you have high expectations, you have them, and there's no need to apologise for not sticking with a relationship because of it.

Thay said, Texting when ill, a lot of people prefer to be sleeping or left alone in the morning, he doesn't know you well enough to know which you'd rather. You're just over 3 months in, it's not appropriate to text him to complain he didn't text you on one morning.

What mainly struck me though was that your ideas about what you want. Have you had a history of 'players'? They know how to romance. They'll be 'morning gorgeous queen' every morning whether you're sick, stressed, hungover or tired. They'll be doing dinner and drinks every time and love bombing the shit out of you.

He sounds a bit rigid, gaslighty and not very sensitive or collaborative, you’d have to work together as a team and you’d have to trust that he means well, which you don’t seem to, perhaps rightly so. It might be that he is just a bit weird, is he willing to work with you, or is it that you express your needs but nothing changes? The booking restaurants is odd, doesn’t he think he should check in with you, what you fancy doing,are the restaurants the sort of places you would choose? What about if you’d rather do something else? Also why he gets to decide by himself which days to meet? Does he think that this is somehow how relationships work? What were his previous relationships like? I would go for the weekend and explore of this with him, it doesn’t sound like he is comfortable with letting someone in and an equal relationship based on friendship. Perhaps he sees it more as a side hustle he has to attend to.

He sounds like he struggles with people stuff and that he's learning rules to follow as he doesn't instinctively know how how to act. Like when to contact you when you are ill. It sounds likely someone previously told him to call at lunchtime and now he's changed the rule to your preference.

He may be keen on you but not expressing the way you need it expressed and if that's the case it might mean it's not the right relationship for you.

I think @Pinkfemme1 has hit the mark here - especially when saying he's "not very sensitive or collaborative". OP, it sounds to me very much like you're the opposite - when you're interested in someone, the sensitivity and collaboration with the other person are high up on your priority list (a very good thing in my opinion! But many, many men fall short with this - it is so disappointing isn't it), and I don't think this man is going to give you what you need in a relationship. He's not the one for you. He wouldn't be the one for me either fwiw - you are not alone is the point I'm trying to make, and no, you're not difficult in my opinion. Well, difficult for an uncollaborative man, perhaps 😉 but these sorts of men - surely an even bigger nightmare for a woman if she has kids with a man like this I imagine... Can't we all use our imagination and see how exhausting that would be for the 'default' parent (the woman)... I digress.

You're allowed to have your own needs OP. You're allowed to have your standards. You're allowed to say "no thank you and goodbye" to a man who isn't making you happy.

I don't think you've done anything wrong, and i think you're seeing a whole picture of what and who this man is, and it isn't great for a collaborative relationship (great post by Pinkfemme1). 💐

You are two different people and so you act differently 🤷‍♀️ It sounds as if you want a boyfriend who will do exactly as you say. Life isn't like that. Texting him to ask why he didn't text you is crazy! There are ways of compromise but you have to discuss it.