Am I expecting too much from men?

[Gabitule]

Brace yourself for a long one 😬. Sorry, I’m upset 😞.

I am in my early 40s and have been single for much of my adult life (although I have dated A LOT). One would say that I am too fussy but I just think that I just have reasonably high standards (but I never expect more than I give).

For the last few years I've been mostly using online dating apps with disastrous results (I won't go into details here but those who use online dating probably know what I mean). Aprox 3.5 months ago I met a guy who ticks most of my boxes (probably more than any other guy before) and who claims that I tick his :). He is obviously not perfect but nor am I so I can live with certain differences. The only thing that really concerns me is that we don't seem to speak the same language. I think that there are some issues with his emotional awareness/ intelligence but he tells me that none of his exes complained about this before...so I'm starting to wonder if the issue is in fact with me and my unreasonable expectations...

To give you little examples - when we met, from the first date actually, he would book a restaurant for us on a particular evening and only after he booked it he would ask me if I was free that evening. If I wasn't, it meant that he had to cancel the restaurant. I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't ask if I was free before booking the restaurant. This happened more than once.

He tells me that he never cries. Not at movies, not at sad stories, nothing. He says that he feels the pain inside but doesn't need to cry. I personally find that weird.

He tells me how much he adores me and how serious he is about a future with me but I don't feel the emotion behind his words. I often wonder if he chose me with his head because I tick so many of his boxes, and not with his heart. He insists that he feels immense passion... I can see that he is desperate to convince me... There's a disconnect...

And now onto the troubles that make me sad...

I have been unwell earlier in the week. He texted me throughout the day on Monday (not texting was also an issue in the beginning but he got better at it). On Tuesday -nothing. My friends texted me in the morning to check how I was feeling but he didn't. Just before lunchtime I texted him to ask why he wasn't checking on me. He explained that, if his experience, whenever he was sick, people wouldn't text him in the morning if they had also texted him the night before to check on him. And that he thought lunchtime was the right time to text me again to ask about my health. But he thanked me for letting him know my preferences. In that moment I understood that he was a robot, that my preferences had been updated in the system and that, from that moment on, he would always text me first thing in the morning whenever I'm unwell! I wanted to scream - ''what is wrong with waking up in the morning, thinking about me as you say you always do, and sending me a quick text to ask how I'm feeling. Why wait until lunchtime''?!! But I somehow managed to hold my frustrations in... He really is doing his best and tries to improve.

And then it happened again today... He booked a night away for us on Saturday to do something that I like. This is very sweet of him and I am touched. (I had also booked a weekend away for us in the past). We agreed that I'd go over his place tomorrow night so we can have an entire romantic weekend. Then today he texted me with plans for the weekend and said about tomorrow ''eat at yours before and come any time after 7:30''. When I asked why we are meeting late and what about dinner, he clarified that he wanted to go to the gym after work and that he was planning on eating before gym. He didn't think about eating with me and whatever that involved (whether it's cooking, ordering a take away or buying food) in order to ''put less pressure on himself''. So whilst I imagined us meeting straight after work, having dinner together, having a drink, chatting, laughing etc he wanted me to eat at home and go to him as close to bedtime as possible?? I have cooked for him several times. He never cooked for me (he did take me out to dinner but, in my eyes, booking a restaurant when you have money does not involve as much effort as planning and cooking a 3 course dinner (which also costs money!). I don't expect him to cook as he doesn't like cooking, but he could at least offer to buy me some food. Give me the opportunity to say ''don't worry honey, I'll eat at home'', don't tell me to come to you already fed! Anyway, I got upset, I called him selfish and unusual. He got very upset, he thinks I'm ungrateful considering that he booked a night away for me.

I don't know what to think anymore. Am I too difficult and demanding or is his attitude not right for a guy who claims is crazy about me. Especially so early on in the relationship?

About the texting you in the morning when you're sick. He was probably thinking you're resting/sleeping and he won't bother you until you're up later in the day. That's what i would do anyway.

The rest of his behaviour sounds a bit immature like asking you to eat before you come so he can go to the gym and booking stuff before asking if you're available.

You sound like a pain in the arse.

To give you little examples - when we met, from the first date actually, he would book a restaurant for us on a particular evening and only after he booked it he would ask me if I was free that evening. If I wasn't, it meant that he had to cancel the restaurant. I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't ask if I was free before booking the restaurant. This happened more than once.

Fucking hell. You act as though this is a major character flaw. He thinks of you, thinks you may enjoy a certain restaurant so he reserves a table in case you can make it. If you can't, he simply cancels. I think that's thoughtful and considerate. How is it not? Is this really something to find fault with? If you genuinely believe it is, it's honestly not surprising you haven't had luck finding a partner.

@Gabitule -you had me at "brace y'self for a long one"...nothin really mattered after that.lol

I agree with all this. And as for men crying, I saw my Dad cry once in my life, and in nearly 50 years, I've seen my husband cry three times. I've never known a man who cries readily, and I would find it extremely off putting.

You have a communication problem OP. Things go on in your head, such as how you envisaged Friday evening, but you are not taking into account that he is probably thinking of it entirely differently. He is not telepathic, so you need to talk with him about plans, not just presume he will think or feel the same as you.

I feel like you're being a bit unfair just because he doesn't do things the way you do. He's not a mind reader, if you have certain expectations, tell him! It sounds like when you have done that he's been more than happy to oblige you, like texting more or texting you early if you're ill, but you seem to want him to just instinctively know what you want and need and I'm sorry but that's just a bit highschool.

My husband knows what I want and need because we've been married for donkeys years, but he didn't know it all from day one. You have to give them time to learn, just like you're learning about him. He seems willing to learn and adapt and adjust his behaviour to make you happy and comfortable, which is more rare, so many men are completely stuck in their ways.

But if you're not feeling it, you're not feeling it. That's fine too. But just... I don't think there are many single men out there with the level of emotional telepathy you seem to be shooting for.

I can see it from both POV but there’s a lot of valid points in this post.

I definitely agree some of us do have low expectations for men. I used to have a friend that had to rely solely on her female friends and relatives for emotional support instead of her partner/father of her children . Once I asked her why she didn’t ever share with her partner her emotional or mental health struggles she basically said he didn’t listen to her or show sympathy. I was horrified but she just seemed to have accepted it without complaint.

Ultimately Op, I don’t think he’s a bad guy but you’re probably not compatible.

If he’s not right for you then it’s fine end it.
I think sometimes excepting someone to behave in a certain way just leads to disappointment. He can’t hear what you’re thinking and it seems that everything you told him you don’t like he tries to do differently.
Try and go with the flows a bit more rather than how you want to plan it out.

Yeah, you are really nitpicking a lot. If you need things exactly your way, maybe relationships aren’t going to work for you. These aren’t character flaws, or red flags; they’re things that bother you, and you seem to call him on your preferences every time.
we can’t change people.

Thank you all for taking the time to respond. As I go through your messages one by one, I try to figure out which resonates with me more. Can I accept that I’m being high maintenance and very difficult? Of course I’d like to believe that as that would give me hope - I’m the only person I can change so if I can amend my expectations we’d both be happy. But I feel like the few examples I’ve given here are not the reasons for my upset but symptoms of a bigger issue - which is either that he doesn’t have emotional awareness or that he isn’t as keen on me as he claims to be and he’ll make less and less efforts as time goes by. Or that i’m impossible to please!

I am in fight of flight mode, I need to make the right decision about this guy because once I attach myself to a partner I find it impossible to leave no matter how unhappy I am. Yes, I had had therapy about it and I have accepted that I cannot change this part of me so I have to find ways around it. I have read countless threads on here about women married to emotionally unavailable men and how devoid of warmth their lives are. They are unhappy but can’t bring themselves to leave, and I know I would be in the same position.

I also don’t want to be in a ‘lukewarm’ relationship. I have not felt loved as a child and what kept me going was the belief that I would find love as an adult. I cannot be in a relationship with a man who ‘loves being with me’ but doesn’t love me. So I guess the ‘eat at home and come after’ message triggered me really badly. We’re in the early honeymoon phase, we should be looking soooo forward to spending time together and doing nice things for eachother. When he is meant to come over my house my brain is buzzing with thoughts of what I’d cook for him and how we’d spend our time together, so it was disappointing to see that his main concern was ‘not putting pressure on himself’. I fear that as the relationship progresses he’d give less and less whilst I’d give more and more to try to keep the fire going.

I have already apologised about calling him selfish, I hate myself for saying that as I really don’t want to upset him. I want to believe that he is doing his best and I shouldn’t be telling him off for being himself.

I have been in relationships with men who were very much in touch with their feelings (and who cried at movies ;)). I love being able to have deep chats with someone and to feel understood. I love a man who rushes to cuddle me when I cry and doesn’t just stare at me blankly from the other end of the sofa. But those men were also men who cheated, or drank too much, or had other major flaws that made them incompatible with my idea of a life partner. This man ticks those important boxes…but I fear that he might never be able to connect with me on more than a superficial level. And I don’t know if this is a real fear or paranoia. It doesn’t help that I know he’s never lived with a woman before and that all his exes ended their relationship with him. I wish I didn’t know that as it affects how I see him and makes me even more paranoid.

Argh, I want to make it work! I’ll try harder… But perhaps things should flow smoothly when one finds ‘the one’?

As you can see, I’m doubting myself a lot.

I once discussed this with a male friend and he said that men cry at football and they might not even be crying about the football, it's just a way for them to let all their tears out in an acceptable way 😂

But my 2 significant exes were big criers!

The first was a very manipulative 'I'm going to kill myself if you leave' type so crying is standard with those men.

The second used to be very bottled up, past trauma etc, and eventually let it all out and would cry very easily at movies etc.

Interestingly neither of those 2 ever cried over football 👀

You sound extremely hard work and demanding OP. Why can't you feed yourself before going to his?

Cooking a three course dinner?- That's a big ask.

I never said that I expected him to cook a 3 course dinner for me! I believe I mentioned that I wouldn’t expect him to cook for me because I know he doesn’t enjoy it. But I did expect him to at least ask ‘what shall we do about dinner’ or to offer to grab a few things from the shop on his way back from the gym.

Is the expectation in relationships that people eat at home before going to spend the night with their partners or love interests?? If so, I wish I knew this all those times he came round to my house

OP, what you said in your update is exactly the impression I got- that it goes deeper than the incidents you pointed out and is really about him being emotionally unavailable, having a low EQ, and not being genuine about how he feels about you. A lot of people here seemed to miss that point entirely.
I think that if that is important to you, hold out for it. Don't settle for less than you feel you need.
There are emotionally available men who don't cheat and aren't drunks.
They're not easy to find, so women do tend to settle. Then we end up being sorry we did because we're in miserable relationships. If you don't find a reasonable approximation of the guy you want, being alone is still better than feeling alone with the person who is supposed to love you sleeping right next to you. Maybe you should talk this over with a therapist?

Yes, you are a bit high maintenance and somewhat controlling.

Yes, he seems emotionally unavailable and probably not compatible.

Part of your problem is the fact that emotionally available men tend to get snapped up early and stay married. Given your age, a widower might be your best bet.

Yeah you do sound a bit hard work tbh. Just because he hadn't text you by lunchtime to check on you? He was going to later anyway by the sounds of it and it's not like you were at deaths door presumably. Then when you told him and he said he'd change for next time it still wasn't good enough?

I don't think he's selfish and unusual at all-quite the opposite!

If you feel he is not into you, don’t stay in the relationship. I made this mistake. It doesn’t get better.
I think being alone and focusing on therapy & learning to feel wholly loved on your own is far better than having scarcity mentality cause this sort of grasping at someone just to have someone. You’re giving a bunch of examples, but maybe the truth is it just doesn’t feel right, and your rational mind is trying to come up with reasons, so you can fix it.
it might just not be right - you never need to have a reason to end something.

I don't think your expectations are "unreasonable". You are you. If you need someone expressive and high-touch then maybe you aren't compatible.

What seems unreasonable though is to see your view as obviously correct and his as evidence of some emotional defect.

He didn't bother you in the morning when you were ill. That's not a lack of empathy, just misjudging what your preference is.

Likewise with the dinner: you say you want to be sure about this guy before you get too deep emotionally. That's totally normal and healthy. But when he doesn't want to do a big romantic dinner because it's high-pressure, you see that same instinct in him as a defect.

You say he is low-EQ. But he's learning your preferences and adapting and communicating that he has done so.

The restaurant booking thing is a total red herring. Does he object to how your pay your car tax or organise your diary or manage your inbox? If he did, would that make you low-EQ? Now if he was demanding you change your plans to accommodate his expectations that would be a red flag but that's not what you say is happening.

So, yes you may be incompatible. And maybe he has lots of other problems with him that you haven't specified. But the things you describe sound more like you being inflexible vs your own expectations than objective defects in him.

It would be easier to program a robot and date that, obviously that is not a recommendation but going from your thinking and the fact you seem to have problems with lots of people does that not tell you something

If I had to list everything I need if I thought about it I would never meet anyone, my husband would not tick every tiny box but I would not tick his

You are writing this from your viewpoint which sounds obvious but he may find you don't tick all his boxes either

"I need to make the right decision about this guy because once I attach myself to a partner I find it impossible to leave no matter how unhappy I am"

This is not your fault but If I was a prospective partner for you (I am not, I am hetero female) I'd see this as a big red flag.

Your post really resonates with me. I have a FWB who has no emotional feelings and it's not what l want in a partner as I'm constantly trying to feel wanted by him.

He listens, apologies...improves for a bit but then ultimately he slips back to him being him.

He isn't doing anything wrong, he's not being horrid - it's who he is... but it doesn't suit me with who l am. Neither of us are right or wrong - we are just not romantically compatible.

I am in the same tricky stage of being unhappy even as FWB and not having an emotional connection but being unable to finish it completely.... l actually wish it had never started as he will never be more then he is now (as is his right, and equally l will never be more than what l am now).... but something is holding me to him.

My advice.... it won't get better so walk away now

I think he sounds a bit clueless but is trying to be considerate.

Is he ND?

I have not felt loved as a child and what kept me going was the belief that I would find love as an adult

I would seek counselling for this to explore what you think love is, it comes in many different shapes and sizes, (an ex of mine never once expressed his feelings towards me but I knew he loved me ) .i'm not suggesting that you should accept someone who doesn't love you but it might help you see that people love in different ways.

Just before lunchtime I texted him to ask why he wasn't checking on me

After a mere 3.5 months, I think I’d dump someone who pulled this kind of stunt. Is there any reason you didn’t text him in the morning with an update on how you were? “Feeling a bit better today thankfully, going to have a lie-in and get up around 10” or “hi… didn’t have a great night, still feel miserable/in pain/weak, will take x/y/z and try and sleep some more” or whatever. But instead you chose the dying swan routine, sitting there waiting for him to check on you, probably fuming to yourself that you could be dead for all he knows/cares, and then when he hasn’t done as you wished you texted demanding to know why not. Such nonsense and drama. I wouldn’t put up with it.