Am I expecting too much from men?

[Gabitule]

Brace yourself for a long one 😬. Sorry, I’m upset 😞.

I am in my early 40s and have been single for much of my adult life (although I have dated A LOT). One would say that I am too fussy but I just think that I just have reasonably high standards (but I never expect more than I give).

For the last few years I've been mostly using online dating apps with disastrous results (I won't go into details here but those who use online dating probably know what I mean). Aprox 3.5 months ago I met a guy who ticks most of my boxes (probably more than any other guy before) and who claims that I tick his :). He is obviously not perfect but nor am I so I can live with certain differences. The only thing that really concerns me is that we don't seem to speak the same language. I think that there are some issues with his emotional awareness/ intelligence but he tells me that none of his exes complained about this before...so I'm starting to wonder if the issue is in fact with me and my unreasonable expectations...

To give you little examples - when we met, from the first date actually, he would book a restaurant for us on a particular evening and only after he booked it he would ask me if I was free that evening. If I wasn't, it meant that he had to cancel the restaurant. I can't for the life of me understand why he wouldn't ask if I was free before booking the restaurant. This happened more than once.

He tells me that he never cries. Not at movies, not at sad stories, nothing. He says that he feels the pain inside but doesn't need to cry. I personally find that weird.

He tells me how much he adores me and how serious he is about a future with me but I don't feel the emotion behind his words. I often wonder if he chose me with his head because I tick so many of his boxes, and not with his heart. He insists that he feels immense passion... I can see that he is desperate to convince me... There's a disconnect...

And now onto the troubles that make me sad...

I have been unwell earlier in the week. He texted me throughout the day on Monday (not texting was also an issue in the beginning but he got better at it). On Tuesday -nothing. My friends texted me in the morning to check how I was feeling but he didn't. Just before lunchtime I texted him to ask why he wasn't checking on me. He explained that, if his experience, whenever he was sick, people wouldn't text him in the morning if they had also texted him the night before to check on him. And that he thought lunchtime was the right time to text me again to ask about my health. But he thanked me for letting him know my preferences. In that moment I understood that he was a robot, that my preferences had been updated in the system and that, from that moment on, he would always text me first thing in the morning whenever I'm unwell! I wanted to scream - ''what is wrong with waking up in the morning, thinking about me as you say you always do, and sending me a quick text to ask how I'm feeling. Why wait until lunchtime''?!! But I somehow managed to hold my frustrations in... He really is doing his best and tries to improve.

And then it happened again today... He booked a night away for us on Saturday to do something that I like. This is very sweet of him and I am touched. (I had also booked a weekend away for us in the past). We agreed that I'd go over his place tomorrow night so we can have an entire romantic weekend. Then today he texted me with plans for the weekend and said about tomorrow ''eat at yours before and come any time after 7:30''. When I asked why we are meeting late and what about dinner, he clarified that he wanted to go to the gym after work and that he was planning on eating before gym. He didn't think about eating with me and whatever that involved (whether it's cooking, ordering a take away or buying food) in order to ''put less pressure on himself''. So whilst I imagined us meeting straight after work, having dinner together, having a drink, chatting, laughing etc he wanted me to eat at home and go to him as close to bedtime as possible?? I have cooked for him several times. He never cooked for me (he did take me out to dinner but, in my eyes, booking a restaurant when you have money does not involve as much effort as planning and cooking a 3 course dinner (which also costs money!). I don't expect him to cook as he doesn't like cooking, but he could at least offer to buy me some food. Give me the opportunity to say ''don't worry honey, I'll eat at home'', don't tell me to come to you already fed! Anyway, I got upset, I called him selfish and unusual. He got very upset, he thinks I'm ungrateful considering that he booked a night away for me.

I don't know what to think anymore. Am I too difficult and demanding or is his attitude not right for a guy who claims is crazy about me. Especially so early on in the relationship?

When I met H he could easily, and i think did, have all the niggles you point out, except he didn't even book restaurants he wasn't an ideas guy but happily, enjoyed paying and as i am vegetarian and he isn't he didn't have a clue which restaurants i enjoyed, so i picked and booked where we went. He happily paid and happily trusted and went wherever i wanted.

Just because he didn't book didn't mean he didn't want to be there.

I would cook and eat early he would turn up at mine and eat later, he could only cook pork chops which was no use for me. I preferred to eat earlier. Again no biggie.

I had no preconceived notions on when and what about he should text me.

He doesn't cry much, bit more after having babies but still very little, both our male children are minimal cryers, not from being repressed it's just not in them. I cry at adverts FFS. Never used to again since having babies.

And all my H's exes finished with him because he didn't want to be the bad guy.

Basically i don't understand your complaints.

On the flip side to all the things my H didn't do at the start of our relationship what attracted me to him was:
He was hot
He made me laugh all the time
He knew he was useless at admin shall we call it (he's got better) but appreciated me doing it and paid for me just to be there
I could talk to him about anything and we did
He didn't devalue females at all
He doesn't have a jealous or aggressive bone in his body
He knows he has faults and thinks my faults are hilarious (no striving for perfection in this relationship)
He is a provider and protector
Non-judgemental
Ambitious
Smart
Respected at work
Kind and generous with his time, knowledge and money
Loves life and people

You need to look at the bigger picture. All this "ticks boxes", doesn't text at the time i think he should, booked a table (because you have to now especially at good places) before asking, these are picky small details.

So what if he wants to eat before gym before a weekend away. Don't you just go "ok no problem i can eat first and come over" and perhaps bring up next time, if there is a next time, next Saturday night away, can we eat together friday this time, feels more like a weekend together then.

No one, no one is perfect OP, not even you.

You say when you fall deeply for someone you cling onto that relationship long past it's sell by date.

So what do you want here? To keep picking at things until he is perfect for you but by then might think "yeah this is just too hard" whilst by then you are clinging on with your fingernails.

Or do you, can you, just chill, see the bigger picture, enjoy getting to know each other, but remain relaxed, if it doesn't work out you'll be ok, you have a job, home, food.

Honestly OP he sounds ok. But only you can decide if he's ok enough for you.

Sure there are some things that are noticeable, but mainly you expectations are someone who is responsive to your needs. And you have many needs. Some of the needs can be fulfilled by you.

You don't seem to know what you want, I would start there.

I think that your expectations are too high in the sense that you don't seem to be very flexible. You seem to have an idea of how things "should" be, and when his idea is a bit different it seems to be a big problem.

Of course it's usual to eat together on a night out, but because you're going away together on Saturday he clearly wasn't thinking about Friday as a "real" date. Not a big issue IMO, but it seems to have upset you a lot?

I think you'll be happier if you go with the flow a bit more and stop worrying about whether things are "perfect" or not. He sounds like a good guy to me.

crying doesn't matter, all people are different.

I think he is trying to communicate with you and example his actions.

I think the text message if fine and you've expressed your preference.

Also about the planning, tbh it does sound a bit strange about booking dinner without checking first. I think you should ask him to check on you first before booking unless he doesn't mind cancelling the reservation.

Communication in relationship is key

It's fine to be incompatible - but she wants to "fix" him and to judge him harshly.
It's better to just say "Bob, you're a great guy but we're not right for each other" and not start looking for things wrong with him.
To me it sounds like avoiding taking responsibility for difficult decisions - rather than just deciding to end it, she has to knock him down so she can tell herself it's "his fault for his deficiencies".

Have you grown up watching romantic films? You sound like a 18 year old with expectations.

I think you maybe lucky he's stuck around this long.

You sound high maintenance. You're both clearly not compatible .

I cannot see this working as you are high maintenance and have fixation on things going the way you think they should, the way you would do something.
Also you say: I think that there are some issues with his emotional awareness/ intelligence but he tells me that none of his exes complained about this before.
So it's not going to work out if you think/feel this way.

I think you should end things and work on yourself.

My heart really goes out to you - I know what it's like to not have been loved as a child and how much you then need to find love as an adult to make up for that.

None of your examples about this guy indicate anything to me other than your expectations being too high. What would concern me though is that all his exes broke up with him plus the fact your instincts are telling you there's something wrong. I think you need to try to have a serious conversation with him about how you're feeling and really listen to what he tells you in response. He may be autistic. Could you be ok with that?

You're going to need to compromise when it comes to finding a life partner, so have a long hard think about what kinds of compromises are acceptable to you and what aren't. The thing about having dated lots of people is that they will all have had their good points, and you're not going to find all those good points with zero bad points in the same person - or at least, it's extremely unlikely.

I think therapy could really, really help you.

Tbh I can completely understand what your bf means when he says that you eating beforehand would take the pressure off him. I think this is a good sign - he wants to be looking forward to seeing you, not stressing out over cooking. I am exactly the same because I am not a confident cook at all and have never had dinner parties or anything like that and so the thought of cooking for someone other than my kids - who have no choice but to eat what I cook (!) - does stress me out. Knowing that I’m cooking for someone takes away the enjoyment of anticipating spending the evening together! I’m fine after we’ve eaten but it does make for a more stressful evening.

My bf of 6 months is fine with this - we discuss what we’ll do about food and either agree to both eat beforehand or he offers to cook. I do offer to cook as well but because he knows it stresses me out, he usually says he will (even at my place).

To my mind, eating before you meet, especially if you have limited time together, is more efficient because then all the time you spend together is quality time, not preparing food or clearing up.

Op, have a look into the signs of ASD. A lot of what you're saying about him sounds very familiar to me, from having had two partners with it.

They got easily overwhelmed, didn't understand why others think differently to them or find things important and were robotic, learning what to say or do in certain situations rather than acting instinctively through feelings. As you're discovering, it is very hard work and demoralising. If he has ASD and you want to continue the relationship, then prepare to greatly lower your expectations and be very direct in saying what you want. He will not pick up on clues.

Most of that wouldn't be a big deal for me. However, after recent dating experience the restaurant booking thing would have me wondering if he cancelled, or just went to the next woman on his list.

Another vote for you being extremely high maintenance and having very rigid views on how someone else should be expected to behave.
You post reads that you believe there’s a right way (yours) and a wrong way (his) to be in relationship and that you want him to just know how you think he should act.

Yes I do think YABU but then I’m much more like your bf . None of the things you’ve mentioned would even enter my radar. And you sound way too intense and overthinking a few months in.

But ultimately you’re just not compatible. You shouldn’t expect someone to change who they are to fit your rigid narrative. Let this one go and both find someone more suitable.

Honestly Op, I think you either need to find a way to chill out a bit, or accept this isn't working.

You said he didn't text enough, so he texted more. But because on morning he didn't text you texted him to tell him off.

When you express what you want from him, he thanks you and notes it and changes his behaviour in future. And that's like being a robot? Sounds like you were looking for an argument because you confuse that with passion and he didn't give you it.

So what if he has to cancel a restaurant?

The whole drama about the food sounds exhausting. You had one view of how it was going to go but no detailed plans were made. He had another view. Your view of howvit would go would be that he should cook or pay for your food. His view was that you would each sort your own food. Yet you called him selfish? He isn't the one that made up a plan for you to provide him with food. I don't think it's a big deal either way, but he wasn't the one expecting the other to sort out their food.

Not crying isn't a huge deal either lots of men don't and I know a couple fo women who don't.

You want a man that shows exactly the right level of emotion that you find appropriate at any given moment and in a eay that yiu enat him to. You want a man to communicate in exactly the way you want when you want without him having to be told. You want a man that knows exactly when to plan and when not to. You want a man who doesn't get anything wrong and if he ever does he can't calmly listen, take note and try and do better. You want him to react emotionally and negatively.

I do think your standards are high. I think they are unrealistic. But I do think you need someone who shows their emotions more than this man does. But I think yiu also need to really look at yourself and how yiu behave in a relationship and see where you could do better. Be more understanding of how people are different and express themselves differently. It can't always be your way.

I do wonder when yiu say no one has loved you. Is that true? Or is it that they have loved you but they haven't followed you quite strict view of how its expressed?

What strikes me OP is that you want a performative display from him. Why?

I don't cry at films. Hell, I don't really cry at real life either, I didn't cry for a good three months after my mother died, and even then it was a little sob behind closed doors. Absolutely none of that means that I wasn't feeling huge amounts of grief for all that time. I'd imagine that you'd probably think me a heartless bastard, luckily my DP isn't like you.

The same with the illness. You expressed dissatisfaction with the level of contact, he took that on board and acknowledged that he'd do better in future. What more did you want, huge apologies?

And the event? He's done a nice thing for you, booked tickets, wants to come with you, and you're focussing on the night before rather than the nice thing he has done.

This guy must be a saint to be putting up with this.

You called him a robot. A facsimile of a human being. Shocking thing to say. Let him find someone who values him, because you obviously do not.

coming from a 'connected' guy

the 'serious about future' thing didn't resonate because you're not that into him.

you're scared to be into someone due to past hurt and the pendulum has swung to a place where you're now the one in control.

probably a big guilt complex about breaking up with someone too

He's not the one for you. That's fine, move on. Stop picking fault and don't do any more name calling. That's not fine. You seem to have a very fixed view of what you want in the name of 'standards', criticizing him for some very weird things.

I feel for you OP, not being loved as a child, the pain experiencing that is immeasurable to put into words. But it’s the reason why you act like this. It made me laugh, the person up thread who asked if you watched too many romantic films. I feel it all, I see things just as you do, I assume things the way you say in your thread too. I understand more than many others on this thread, but I’ve had a different adult hood from you, I’ve been with the same man for 20 years and still it doesn’t bring peace. His made one mistake and the only way I can see things is that he must of really never have loved me the whole time. It seems from your thread it doesn’t really matter if you’re with someone or not, it doesn’t bring love. I define love in a different way to everyone else on the planet it seems. Maybe you’re the same too? If so, there is no cure, there isn’t anyone who can fix it.

My thoughts are that you are very prescriptive. It's fine to say 'i want a man who is comfortable showing his emotions'. It seems unfair to say 'i want a man to show his emotions by crying'.

It's fine to say 'i want a man who keeps in regular contact' it seems unfair to prescribe the exact time of day he should be contacting you.

You want a man who takes the lead sometimes in organising things - I can't blame you at all for that. But you want him to organise things in the way you would do it.

I don't see why you would accept a relationship with a man who doesn't have desirable qualities like the ones above but you're going to struggle if you want a man who acts out those qualities in a very specific way.

I’m wondering if he is the kind of guy to protein build before a workout? I know my husband likes to consume protein before a weights work out and it can bloat him and make him feel very full.

I wonder if your guy is really into fitness and might load up so he may be quite full for dinner? If he doesn’t load up and works out without the protein, he can affect his workout that day and in the near future. Is your guy in good shape?

What jumps out to me is your statement that you did not feel loved as a child.

It sounds like you are looking for that love you didn't get growing up - but you have a very specific idea of what that love should look like. Perhaps you have fixated on this because it was missing when you were growing up?

I wonder if therapy would help you, in the kindest possible way you don't seem to be in the right headspace to build a healthy relationship.

But he thanked me for letting him know my preferences. In that moment I understood that he was a robot, that my preferences had been updated in the system and that, from that moment on, he would always text me first thing in the morning whenever I'm unwell!

Him taking your preferences on board and adjusting his behaviour isnt "robotic" fgs, he cant win here can he? if he ignored them he'd be wrong and if he adjusts his behaviour he's "robotic".

I am sorry but you are coming across as super demanding here - when I am unwell I just want to be left alone to rest. Not everyone is the same as you but you seem not to be able to get that people are different....

YABU.

Jesus. He said come over any time after 7.30, not at bedtime!! 🙄

You sound really difficult.

You're not compatible. I'd end it and let the poor bloke find someone less picky.

Lots of really sensible advice here.

I agree you need to get some help to unpi m seeking the love that you never had as a child - that leaves you vulnerable to some nefarious types.

It may be less helpful to think of your standards being too high (because thar makes someone more and someone else less) and more of the strictness of your script. You have specific expectations of how something will go, and if he doesn't conform to those expectations you're interpreting it to be a failure or a slight on his part. Or if he doesn't do things as you would. The restaurant thing is a good example - why on earth does it matter that he makes a defensive reservation first?