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Original poster

Should I give him a chance?

159 replies

LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:04

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice. I have been doing OLD. I am 31 and have been on a few dates with a separated 44 year old with 3 kids.

The dates have gone very well, however he has disclosed to me that he cheated in his marriage and that's why the marriage ended.
He said things weren't going well in the marriage but that's what ultimately ended it.

He told me he wanted to be honest as everyone should get a choice on who they date based on honesty! This occurred 5 years ago.

He then told me the last time we saw each other (Saturday night)that they split up a month after the third child was born!

It dawned on me when I got home he must have cheated whilst she was pregnant 😢😢.. he had texted me and I ignored it as once I realised this obviously i think it's horrible etc.

Over the past few days he sent a few texts which I ignored. Resulting in him sending a big long text saying I have been quite quiet. He thought our date was lovely! If I have met someone else he would prefer to know. He hopes I'm okay etc

I explained to him I realised he cheated when pregnant and it makes me nervous. I said if that's how he can treat the mother of his children, he won't treat me well.

He has said I have a black and white view of relationships! He hasn't hidden anything and can't erase his past. He has done a lot of therapy to come to terms with it and it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage.

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

I would like to add he is a senior barrister so very good at persuading his audience. He is quite the charmer. Knows what to say, how to gain trust etc.

I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or not? I know no one can tell me what to do! But advice would be appreciated! What would you do?

OP posts:
Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:06

Sorry that should say they split up a month before the third child was born!

OP posts:
ActualChips · 11/07/2024 21:07

A cheater who's 13yrs older than you with three kids who feels entitled to text essays to make a woman date him? Nope.

bettybyebye · 11/07/2024 21:08

Why would you even consider giving him a chance?! Seriously OP throw this one back…block and move on

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:08

@ActualChips - he does seem regretful! But it's so hard to tell if it's genuine also

OP posts:
Vegandiva · 11/07/2024 21:08

He’s still married. You should not date men who are separated to begin with. Are you even sure he lives apart from his wife? I think you could do a lot better.

Tbskejue · 11/07/2024 21:10

There are many red flags there so no. I do actually think that cheating is often more complex than we suggest it is but when she was pregnant, absolutely no way

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:10

@Vegandiva - yes. I have actually been to his home and they do live apart! They are in the process of getting divorced! But when I went on our first date I assumed he was already divorced

OP posts:
Tbskejue · 11/07/2024 21:10

Also he’s saying there’s something wrong with you for thinking of it as a problem….no. He will be excellent in making you think it’s you and not him every time he does something wrong

ActualChips · 11/07/2024 21:11

Why does his regret matter? Date someone who is fun, who enhances your life, who's not a demonstrable asshole with a load of kids.
Really not worth one moment of thought.

MounjaroUser · 11/07/2024 21:12

Hmmm a successful barrister who's taking a while to get divorced sounds to me like he's pulling apart everything in the financial agreement. I'd love to hear his wife's POV.

MonsteraMama · 11/07/2024 21:12

Absolutely fucking not. If nothing else he sounds like a patronising arsehole, trying to fucking mansplain to you about how relationships work.

Lots of people manage to exit poor relationships without cheating on their pregnant fucking wife.

He's scum, he just thinks he absolves himself by admitting it. He doesn't.

finalboss · 11/07/2024 21:12

It was bad enough reading that he cheated on his pregnant wife, and then you went on to describe how he tried to make you feel as if you having an issue with this highlights that there is something wrong with YOU!

pikkumyy77 · 11/07/2024 21:12

@ActualChips is spot on. Who is “mr failed marriage”to lecture OP on how relationships work. He needs to STFU.

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:13

@Tbskejue - he did say he wasn't criticising of my approach to relationships etc, but I get what you mean yes!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2024 21:13

Are you fucking mad? Honestly. Why on earth would you even consider dating this man? You're only 31 and he has more baggage than a fucking cruise ship. Come the fuck on and be sensible.

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:14

@MounjaroUser - his wife is actually also a barrister so a good match for him in that regard! But I do feel awful for her that he did that during her pregnancy!

OP posts:
SamW98 · 11/07/2024 21:14

ActualChips · 11/07/2024 21:07

A cheater who's 13yrs older than you with three kids who feels entitled to text essays to make a woman date him? Nope.

As usual first response nails it. I wouldn’t touch him with someone else’s

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:15

@SamW98 - I will give him full marks on his powers of persuasion! He had talked me round this afternoon but now I am having my doubts 🥴🥴

OP posts:
MounjaroUser · 11/07/2024 21:17

He's persuaded you that in some circumstances, infidelity (on his part, at least) is acceptable.

Pretty clever guy, isn't he?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/07/2024 21:17

Your boundaries and standards need a massive amount of work.

SamW98 · 11/07/2024 21:17

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

Sorry but who the fuck does he think he is? What a patronising wanker - anyone trying to mansplain why he couldn’t keep his cock in his pants when his wife was pregnant is waving more red flags than a communist party rally. He's already gaslighting you and it won’t get better.

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:17

It's awful because we get along so well together! I have also found him to be very open about his life etc, his emotions, his past!

He hasn't hidden what he did from me

OP posts:
ActualChips · 11/07/2024 21:17

If this specimen is even on your radar it means you need to avoid blokes altogether until you've worked extensively on your standards.

KarmaKat · 11/07/2024 21:18

He’s still married so regardless of anything else, it’s a hard no from me.

Life is complicated so I don’t judge people for cheating in their past but I would never date a married man, separated or not.

Original poster
LaBrasseria2024 · 11/07/2024 21:20

@KarmaKat - It seems the divorce is in process but I'm not sure how long that takes etc! He seems to be a very good father though

OP posts:
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