Should I give him a chance?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice. I have been doing OLD. I am 31 and have been on a few dates with a separated 44 year old with 3 kids.

The dates have gone very well, however he has disclosed to me that he cheated in his marriage and that's why the marriage ended.
He said things weren't going well in the marriage but that's what ultimately ended it.

He told me he wanted to be honest as everyone should get a choice on who they date based on honesty! This occurred 5 years ago.

He then told me the last time we saw each other (Saturday night)that they split up a month after the third child was born!

It dawned on me when I got home he must have cheated whilst she was pregnant 😢😢.. he had texted me and I ignored it as once I realised this obviously i think it's horrible etc.

Over the past few days he sent a few texts which I ignored. Resulting in him sending a big long text saying I have been quite quiet. He thought our date was lovely! If I have met someone else he would prefer to know. He hopes I'm okay etc

I explained to him I realised he cheated when pregnant and it makes me nervous. I said if that's how he can treat the mother of his children, he won't treat me well.

He has said I have a black and white view of relationships! He hasn't hidden anything and can't erase his past. He has done a lot of therapy to come to terms with it and it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage.

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

I would like to add he is a senior barrister so very good at persuading his audience. He is quite the charmer. Knows what to say, how to gain trust etc.

I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or not? I know no one can tell me what to do! But advice would be appreciated! What would you do?

This guy is and will be trouble.

Oh honey no.

There are so many younger men in their 20s and 30s who don't want children at all. I mean at all, I know several who have already had vasectomies.

Please don't think you need to settle for guys who already have children just because you are unlikely to have your own. Honestly the dating game is harsh, not having children yourself and not looking to date men with children may actually make it easier.

He’s lecturing you on TRUST issues and how a successful relationship works.
And he’s a cheater ??!!

This is probably how he managed to get his first unsuspecting catch … his poor wife !

You have been warned OP.

Please leave this guy well alone, OP. It is way too much drama in a fledgling relationship - you already have doubts, and you've only been on a few dates. Do not 'panic date' this man just because you believe that there is nobody better out there.

@Saintmariesleuth - you are spot on with the 'panic date' comment. I have been thinking time is running out, I'm old, I need to meet someone. I'm 32 soon etc etc

Oh run OP. This man is a massive manipulator I know because I had one like him..please remember when someone shares personal stuff with you it isn't always for the reasons you think it is..it's to gain trust so you overlook red flags. The connection you feel from him isn't genuine I can guarantee you that. If you go ahead that's on you but you will regret it.

@Kat888 - yea I totally get where you are coming from! I stayed at his house on Saturday night, (didn't have sex, just kissed) and he had to get up at like 5:30 to go on holiday. He was like 'oh you just stay and let yourself out when you wake up' as his friend as coming later that day to stay and mind his dog for a few days.

I found it a little odd he would just leave me in his house?! I ended up leaving before he got up anyway, but still, I thought that's very trusting of him to leave a girl he doesn't know in his home.

If anyone has any insight on that last bit I would appreciate it! I'm assuming again it's to build trust quick?/false sense of intimacy!

Give him a chance just because he treated fire make him a murderer. It's not ideal no but no one is perfect. I would give it a chance but go in with your eyes open & at least he laid his cards on the table n didn't lie to you.

I hope you're joking in advising that in this instance!
If not, please re-read the whole thread, slowly, for your own sake.

@ChickNorris - I guess I did come here to get the full variety of opinions....🥴🥴

@LaBrasseria2024 9 don't think it odd he obv trusts you enough and feels comfortable with you in his home. U need to stop questioning it and make a decision n stick with it for now. In my opinion otherwise u will drive yourselves crazy. He did wrong yes but he's been open and honest and he hadn't murdered anyone. People can grow and learn from their mistakes. Just go with the flow and obviously any gut feelings from you , then you leave. But I would make a decision and stop questioning it for now.

He is being so open so that when he cheats on you, he can say, "I warned you what I was like when we got together" and he will place the blame at your feet.

I think cheated on his pregnant wife would be enough for me to say no thanks, no matter what reasons and excuses he comes up with. Also the lecturing you on the nature of relationships is pretty patronising. It's completely up to you if you want to give him a chance OP but won't it always be in the back of your mind?

@ChickNorris I did Thankyou and I don't need your permission to give my opinion.
Op asked for people's opinions and I gave mine.

A very close relative of mine had an affair and and it was bad he lost everything and rightly so and has lived with the guilt for 25+ years he is an amazing person who apart from the affair is kind supportive generous and would do anything for his family
. He made one mistake does that mean he has to be cast aside from society for life? NO.

@Noseybookworm - I think it would be at the forefront of my mind, never mind the back of my mind! 😞😞

I find it strange on MN that so many people say ‘Don’t date someone who is separtad’ and also ‘Avoid a man who has three DC’. I met my OH on exactly that situation- we were both separated and waiting for divorce to be finalised. Happened within a couple of months of us meeting for both of us. Divorce can take time. However, OH and I are in similar circumstances. Similar income, lifestyles, both single parents, not in a rush to move forwards, don’t want any more DC!

I’d say you should be incredibly wary of this man. There’s a power imbalance between you - one because you’re much younger, two because of his career (you admit he’s a smooth talker and managed ro
talk you out of breaking up already!), three because he’s a higher earner. None of this bodes well. It’s very easy early on in a relationship for someone to just agree with what you are saying to make it seem like you have loads in common..but even those few differences you’ve mentioned show a huge difference in circumstances.
No way could I get past someone cheating on a pregnant partner. I agree with pp where he’s basically paving the way to cheat further down the line by saying what he’s saying now. ‘I told you what I was like early on in our relationship’, ‘It’s not that big a deal’ 🤷‍♂️ Will be trotted out!
At points it sounds like you’re saying that he’s just about good enough and trying to minimise and justify his behaviour. At your age, it might feel like time is running out but you could lose years of your life to this man, only to get your heart broken. I do get that that chronic illness impacts on how you feel (I have multiple health issues) but I’d suggest some individual counselling to work on your self-esteem if you find yourself settling for a man like this.

It was trusting if him to leave you alone in his house but that's not an unusual thing to do in my experience. No need to over - complicate things or suggest it was some scheming manipulative move to make you trust him.
The guy has told you that he did a shameful thing by cheating, and that he's learned more now and wouldn't be in the same situation again. When you're stuck in a difficult marriage it can seem impossible to end it. Women are usually the ones to call it and leave, while men tend to cheat, possibly as an "exit affair" to force things. It's bad but it doesn't make him a master manipulator. However he's probably best suited to a woman who had also had a difficult marriage and maybe who was herself unfaithful, who's going in with her eyes wide open. Nearly everybody who cheats said they never thought they'd do it, and used to condemn "the type" who did. But I don't think it's that simple. I haven't ever cheated but I'm not going to write off everybody who has. However, you don't need a guy with this much baggage, as so many others have said. If you've decided, just end it. No need to try to reinterpret little things.

What I don't like about his confession is the self-justification and his weaponisation of therapy. Both of those things are red flags for me.

Someone who has truly done serious reflection about that situation would likely take full responsibility for cheating on his pregnant wife - not doing the whole 'it's complicated, relationships are complicated. The marriage wasn't great...etc'

It was a good enough marriage for him to be having a 3rd child. No matter how bad a marriage is, you can always respectfully end it (or get counselling) without sleeping with someone else.

'I have had lots of therapy, so I have a deep understanding of the world - and you have a lot to learn, young lady' was the message there. He will likely use that on you in the future to discredit your opinions. He is setting himself up as the wise, studied expert on relationships. How will your boundaries and opinions stand up to that?

No. It's a huge no from me.

Sadly it is true. There is rapid deterioration for men after 40. Of course men and women can both conceive older than this but don’t underestimate the impact of age. If you have fertility issues and part of you would like to try to conceive then give yourself the best chance possible which is finding a younger man with a healthy lifestyle.

The fact is, when you told him your perfectly valid concerns, he essentially
A. Told you had no right to them
B. Implied you were wrong/bad to have them
C. Turned you questioning his issues into YOU 'having issues'
D. Left you feeling like you might have offended him. Feeling guilty.
E. Made you feel like you must 'owe' him.a chance or you'd be unfair.

These are all very clear warnings that he is abusive op. Very clear. Indicative of DARVO (deny, attack, reverse victim with offender).

A non abusive, emotionally healthy person would have replied to your concerns along the lines of 'I understand why you have concerns, I can't change my past but I am sorry for it. If you want to give me a chance going forwards to prove I have changed, I will endeavour to do so. If not, I understand and respect your decision'. He's clearly intelligent enough that he could have said this. But he didn't. He made out your feelings were invalid and you were 'wrong/bad/stupid' to have them.

He's absolutely a bad'un.

As for him letting you stay whilst he was out...I mean that could be normal without reading into things, I mean, you had just slept with him right? But yes, if it felt like rushing trust then it probably was part of that.

I do hope you listen to the warnings here op.
There is no time limit on finding a partner. Men come and go throughout life. And children...aren't relevant unless you either have been in a healthy relationship for a while or, are considering having kids whilst single. So if they're why you're rushing into a relationship, stop. Dont let any kind of baby fever/worries get in the way of making healthy choices.

Its also fair to say that men are not sperm doners, they are people and don't deserve to be 'settled for' just to use them for children, any more than we do.

There's no rush. What will be will be, what won't won't. But make choices with your eyes open. Don't let fear be your driver to bad places.
This man, he's a bad place. Swerve.

He has messaged me this morning with a photo of him and one of his children, saying good morning!

I think he is deffo tugging on the heartstrings there as he knows I think his kids are cute! 🥹🥹

How many dates have you actually been on with this guy op?

"it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage."

No it was a consequence of his own decision to cheat.
He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust
So its over to you to trust him regardless of his cheating past ??

@Pinkbonbon - only actually 3 dates! But talk all the time between those dates