Should I give him a chance?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice. I have been doing OLD. I am 31 and have been on a few dates with a separated 44 year old with 3 kids.

The dates have gone very well, however he has disclosed to me that he cheated in his marriage and that's why the marriage ended.
He said things weren't going well in the marriage but that's what ultimately ended it.

He told me he wanted to be honest as everyone should get a choice on who they date based on honesty! This occurred 5 years ago.

He then told me the last time we saw each other (Saturday night)that they split up a month after the third child was born!

It dawned on me when I got home he must have cheated whilst she was pregnant 😢😢.. he had texted me and I ignored it as once I realised this obviously i think it's horrible etc.

Over the past few days he sent a few texts which I ignored. Resulting in him sending a big long text saying I have been quite quiet. He thought our date was lovely! If I have met someone else he would prefer to know. He hopes I'm okay etc

I explained to him I realised he cheated when pregnant and it makes me nervous. I said if that's how he can treat the mother of his children, he won't treat me well.

He has said I have a black and white view of relationships! He hasn't hidden anything and can't erase his past. He has done a lot of therapy to come to terms with it and it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage.

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

I would like to add he is a senior barrister so very good at persuading his audience. He is quite the charmer. Knows what to say, how to gain trust etc.

I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or not? I know no one can tell me what to do! But advice would be appreciated! What would you do?

@Pinkbonbon - thank you for your previous post btw I appreciate it. I don't have experience of previous abusive relationships (thankfully) and do admit I can be somewhat naive.

He did however say that he wasn't criticising my approach to relationships or justification for what he did etc ...

You can fully Downey Dad with 50% custody, there is a lot involved in parenting beyond the just being there. If he's that type the 50/50 custody spilt will be about him and his right to the kids not about what's best for them. Obviously I have no idea what type of father he is, but having them 50/50 doesn't rule out him being a Disney Dad.

The reduced sperm counts, lower motility and so on a PP mentioned are all proven facts, also a rise in rates of SEN for older fathers. If you didn't rush into things and took sometime to make sure its right he'll be 46...7...
So then he'll be 47 with has 3 kids already, they're exhausting and if he's doing shared care properly plus working a full time job he really will have nothing to spare for another family. Eventually you'll be living half the time with his teens, if you spend a few hours on the step parent board you'll quickly see that's not something most find rewarding or anything but exhausting. That's not what Id want for my family.

But he has justified what he did. He is justifying what he did.

He said the marriage was in a bad place, it's not black and white...blah blah.

But cheating sort of IS black and white. He gave himself permission and justification to do it - and now he's telling you not to worry about it because that was a complicated situation.

Well relationships often are complicated. That's no excuse to cheat. It may be a reason to end a marriage or get some help for a marriage, but that betrayal was something he chose to do instead. That is a black and white choice and really isn't complicated.

You saying (effectively) 'cheating is a hard red line for me' and him telling you that shows you don't understand relationships is not reassuring. What would be count as a good enough reason to cheat on you? What would make your own relationship vulnerable to this?

What does he mean by wanting someone who understands how relationships work? I would dig into that one. Does he mean he wants someone to acquiesce to his every desire and not have their own mind? What does he actually mean?

What was his actual problem in his marriage? Clearly he was still sleeping with her and planning a future with the new baby. I'm willing to bet he blindsided her and fed her the 'I haven't been happy for a long time' script. People who do this seem to convince themselves it's true, even when things were absolutely fine before they had their heads turned.

You have been on a handful of dates and he is coming on pretty strong. That's a bit of a worry too. You don't know him. He is making you believe that you do by over-sharing selected bits of information, but you don't - and one thing you know as a fact (because it was an action, not words) is that he cheated on his pregnant wife.

You can do better than this!

Oh op no. 3 dates in and all this intense nonsense.

Come on now. He's a love bomber. The constant chatter between dates probably falls into that too.

Honestly why is he sending you good morning pictures with his family 3 dates in! Its more intimacy rushing bs.

Dont be swayed, be creeped out!
I would be getting the massive ick. Mind you, I don't particularly find kids cute tbf.

He's probably looking for nanny so he doesn't have to do the actual parenting. Would give me the fear.

If you want to test for love bombing then here's a test you can try - try to take a bit of space. Tell him you've a busy few days. See if he respects that and gives you space or, tries all the harder during that time to get your attention. Narcissists and similar don't like it when they know your attention is on other things.

Or, ask to slow things down a bit and see how he takes it and if he respects it. Eg: say you just want dating, not too much chatting between dates from now on 'it's early days, let's just arrange a date each week and take things slow, I feel all the chatting between is a bit much and us rushing intimacy that doesn't need to be there just a few dates in'.

Say 'no' and see how he takes it and, if he respects those boundaries going forwards.

Pinkbonbon's advice is good.

Say no to something small and see how he takes it. It will tell you a lot.

He just sounds like bad news.

Someone who would justify betrayal because of a relationship that was struggling. Instead of leaving and ending it or trying to work it out honestly.

That's a red flag.

Totally agree with @Pinkbonbon this is way too much too soon and literally every update the red flags are flying more and more.

I totally understand your post about most men your age wanting kids and I have a lot of sympathy but please don’t think that means you have to settle for a controlling narcissistic man where there is a huge power imbalance

Please tread very very very carefully if you decide not to take everyone’s advice to steer clear

Tbh I'm 35 and I don't want kids and I'd say the majority of men I date have said the same. Though tbf some men will just agree with you to get you to date them I suppose.

But I'm of the opinion that lots of men aren't fussed about kids and just go along with what the woman wants either way.

I've never struggled to date whilst childfree though, put it that way.

Also, side thought, the guy is a barrister right?

Yeah...Fuck that.

Even if he was coming accross as a brilliant person, can you imagine what it would be like to divorce a barrister? Or to try to seek things like restraining orders if he turned out to be abusive?
The fact that other ppl would be easily persuaded by his silver tongue that you were the bad guy...

Maybe his ex stands a chance of getting out sonewhat unscathed from him as she too is a barrister. But this guy knows every legal trick in the book...do you?

I'd be reluctant to date a barrister in the first place. Let alone one displaying so many red flags just a few dates in.

@Pinkbonbon - yes, and a very senior one. Deals with high profile cases etc,

So yes I probably wouldn't fancy my chances against him in arguments etc....

It could be because he is mirroring you, which is a known manipulation tactic.

Run a mile! He's telling you about his cheating so that if you get into a relationship and he cheats, he can just argue that you knew what you were getting into.

Agree with others that saying no to something or asserting a boundary early on is a good way to see if someone is for you.

That you know of. I highly doubt he's told you everything that has happened.

He is probably just a super charming guy and what is meaningful and special to you isn't to him.

Comfort wise...

I've never felt as comfortable as I did with my last ex. Everything when I was with him felt...easy.
But when we weren't physically together I felt oddly uneasy. I was second guessing things. My instincts were telling me all was not right. And there were obvious red flags (He was clearly a functioning alcoholic for example).

When we are with people we fancy who can talk the talk...or, wrapped up in chemistry, it can make us forget or ignore things that shouldn't be ignored.

As pp mentioned, mirroring can also be used by abusers to lull us into a false sense of comfort.

Either way op at just 3 dates in, with so many red flags waving, you'd be mad to continue things.

Run OP

Don’t bother with any tests.

He’s a cheating scumbag who thinks he’s so much cleverer than you. That bullshit paragraph about not wanting to be with someone who doesn’t properly understand relationships. I’d still be laughing at that crock of pompous patronising shit if I was you….. while I was out with my young single friends having a good time.

While telling them about how I was almost tempted to get involved with a sleazy married man with kids who cheated on his wife while pregnant with number 3, then dated a teenager, but thinks he has special insights into relationships that means he is allowed to cheat.

For a living he gets to judge characters quickly and work out what makes them tick, to get them on side etc. He’s used those skills on you to make you think you have a connection. He used them on that 18 year old. He let you talk. He listened. He mirrored back to you.

Run fast

@SamW98 - yes it is quite upsetting seeing men my age on dating apps wanting kids! Even a lot of older men who don't have the
Yet. I haven't been told not to, my specialist said he doesn't think I should let my problems but me off, but I think it would be tough for me & would worry I am passing ill health on! So yea, I feel like it's slim pickings for me 😕

@Pinkbonbon - interesting that you mention being an alcoholic. He told me After our first date he is borderline alcoholic. He can certainly drink a bit! We had a lot to drink on our first date! He had the cheek to say I can fairly put it away, I can't, I'm a lightweight!!

@Catoo - thanks for your message! No he didn't date an 18 year old. He dated someone 18 years younger than him after his marriage collapsed. But I personally think it's too big of an age gap! 13 years between him and I doesn't seem so bad

@Catoo , he wasn't dating a teenager, it was a woman 18 years younger than him, so late 20s I guess.
I agree OP can do better but think it's good to be accurate.

With men like him it’s not just the chronological age, it’s the massive difference in life experience which creates a gulf in the power dynamic. 3 dates in and he’s already showing you he’s in control.

I know you really like this man but please listen to older more experienced women who have seen this game played a million different mes before and we are seeing every manipulated move he’s making. It’s straight from the narcissists handbook.

The OP thinks that might be who he had his affair with when his wife was pregnant and the youngest is 5 so he’d be about 38/39 at that point making the girl in question 20/21 - that’s pretty grim

He tells you, before you're even in a relationship that he's a "borderline alcoholic" and you're still considering dating him?

I think you're beyond all help TBH, OP.

Being single is not so awful that a shit, dysfunctional relationship is preferable.

You're wasting everyone's time. Or you have no basic sense of self-presentation. Or both.

Thanks for the correction. Off sick with Covid, reading skills a bit off!
Anyway, bin him off please.
Far too much baggage and ego.
Find someone nicer 💐

@LiterallyOnFire - I am not wasting everyone's time. I have read each and every comment Carefully

I am going to message him to say I just want to leave things! It could potentially cause him to bombard me with messages, but I'm going to have to break it off, rather than him thinking everything is good!

Another thing which I find an absolute joke is he bombarded me with 7 messages in a row as I ignored him etc...telling me he thought we had a great time! Yet went away on holiday just after we saw each other and immediately put up a new photo on his dating profile! I know he is entitled to, as he knows I have been on other dates.

However I guess it reinforces he isn't being genuine and is lovebombing!