Should I give him a chance?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice. I have been doing OLD. I am 31 and have been on a few dates with a separated 44 year old with 3 kids.

The dates have gone very well, however he has disclosed to me that he cheated in his marriage and that's why the marriage ended.
He said things weren't going well in the marriage but that's what ultimately ended it.

He told me he wanted to be honest as everyone should get a choice on who they date based on honesty! This occurred 5 years ago.

He then told me the last time we saw each other (Saturday night)that they split up a month after the third child was born!

It dawned on me when I got home he must have cheated whilst she was pregnant 😢😢.. he had texted me and I ignored it as once I realised this obviously i think it's horrible etc.

Over the past few days he sent a few texts which I ignored. Resulting in him sending a big long text saying I have been quite quiet. He thought our date was lovely! If I have met someone else he would prefer to know. He hopes I'm okay etc

I explained to him I realised he cheated when pregnant and it makes me nervous. I said if that's how he can treat the mother of his children, he won't treat me well.

He has said I have a black and white view of relationships! He hasn't hidden anything and can't erase his past. He has done a lot of therapy to come to terms with it and it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage.

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

I would like to add he is a senior barrister so very good at persuading his audience. He is quite the charmer. Knows what to say, how to gain trust etc.

I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or not? I know no one can tell me what to do! But advice would be appreciated! What would you do?

Do as much research as you can on love bombing, gaslighting, mirroring and narcissism - i guarantee it will set alarm bells ringing.

Why do so many women fall for this….Just because he’s being honest, he still did it! He sounds an entitled arse.Go for it if you want to be saddled with him.

How long has he been single?
How long was he with the OW after the baby was born? Was she living with him?
Was the gf of 18 months living with him/involved in his children's lives?

How is the 50/50 split? Split week or week/fortnight around? It may seem like 50/50 is a good dad but the arrangement might actually be worse for the children especially if it's been demanded in exchange for not paying CM and involves a lot of moving young children around and introducing new gfs quickly.

He's discussed family history so a good dad would have made sure you know about the most important factor of his life and how that would impact any future relationship. Especially from the text he sent about understanding how they work and don't work.

Keep your eyes wide open and enjoy his company if that's what you feel is right for you at the moment.

Massive red flags.
13 older with a track record of dating much younger.
Cheated on his wife when pregnant and blamed 'the state of his marriage'
Persuading you about all this. Hmmmm.
Run. Fast. He'd do the same again you or anyone else.

@LiterallyOnFire - we do get along very well, his salary is probably about 30 times mine, not joking! I am a very average earner and he is a very high earner

Is that having an influence?

@Chickenuggetsticks - I don't think child maintenance would be an issue for him! But he is very good with them, always prioritised them etc

I'm sorry but you'd be absolutely insane to continue a relationship with him.

You think he's a good Father? Was he thinking about his existing children and unborn child when he cheated? It doesn't seem like he cared at all about blowing up his family or he wouldn't have ended things that way.

I don't understand why you'd feel any attraction to him after his condescending text about comprehending how relationships work and how they come to an end. He is speaking to you as if you are an idiot, and making it clear he doesn't want to waste his time if you don't just fall in line with his gaslighting narrative.

I would be massively turned off right now in your shoes. The signs people ignore in the beginning often become the reasons they leave later.

Big red flags are whipping in the wind right now. Take heed.

Oh god 🙄Fine, go for the high earner OP. Well done you. He's such a good dad... what because he's told you he is?! How would you even know what a good father is, you haven't had kids yet! I can tell you it is not this man. But you aren't listening to any sensible advice, so go forth and be more female fodder for entitled male arses. Maybe you have to live it to understand.

Well, you know what you're getting.

This , its gaslighting .. throw this one back , your 31 and will have lots of other offers ..

And now we see why the red flags are being ignored……

@alwayslearning789 - yes separated but not divorced, he told me that they 'haven't gotten around it yet' ....is that necessarily a bad sign?

@SamW98 / I think you are right that I need to read up on this. I have heard these terms before but luckily it's something that I haven't experienced! It also means I'm not overly aware of the signs to look out for though.

@AquaFurball - they split up 5 years ago and I don't know if the OW was an affair or a ONS. He then had a girlfriend 18 years his junior for 18 months, I don't know if she was the OW though.

I have looked up the ex-gf and she appeared to be very involved in the children's lives! They split because he doesn't want anymore children and she wants kids.

@LiterallyOnFire - I don't know! 🤷🏻‍♀️ is my answer I guess! He has the finer things in life that's for sure but I know that's not the most important thing!

I don’t think this will end well for you..
You have to judge people on what they do, not what they say…

he has demonstrated that he is a cheat
he has demonstrated that he is not a good dad and why is he not divorced after 5 years?

I'm actually wondering if this is even a real poster it's so bad. There's been a string of posts on MN recently, almost AI generated, designed to stir up posters. Wouldn't be surprised if this wasn't one.

How do you know he is actually separated?

There’s been an awful lot of threads lately that seem a waste of time.

OP - XYZ scenario am I wrong ?

99% of posted - yes you’re wrong.

OP - oh well I think I’m right so I’m going to ignore every post giving me good advice

@HopSkipJump24 - I'm not an AI generated post ( I don't think my grammar is good enough for that lol) .... I'm simply asking opinions because I don't know what to do?

I haven't dated anyone like this/ with any baggage/ or who has cheated on a pregnant wife, so it's unfamiliar territory for me! Anyone else I have dated has actually been much less complicated

So why are you ignoring all the advice then?

@SamW98 - I would rather someone on an average wage, who hasn't cheated etc than this guy! But guys my age all want kids and I have a chronic illness that makes that very unlikely! So I have Been dating older, the older ones tend to be married, have kids , have more of a history etc.

Perhaps you were lucky at my age and didn't experience serious illness and were able to have children with someone your own age.

OP your gut reaction was absolutely spot on and he has talked you round, as you're realising. He knows his cheating will come out eventually, so he uses his persuasive skills. Gives you the bad news early on, minus the more damning context. Then when you mull it over and join all the dots, he implies you're somehow a bit simplistic in your thinking. He leaves you wondering if you're throwing away something wonderful. He's made you doubt yourself. You should run. He's not good.

You are 31, presumably with no DC.

There is absolutely no need for you to hitch your horses to a middle aged cheater of a man who is still married to his EXDW.

Want better for yourself. DO better for yourself.

That's because he is hiding in plain sight.

When he does the same to you he'll be saying "but I shared everything about my past with you, so you knew".

When someone shows you who they are, please believe them.

There are lots of arseholes in the world, I'd probably rather give a wealthy one a chance than a hard up one. You could give it a go OP, your eyes are wide open.

WARNING! I've had several glasses of wine, so my judgement might be impaired.

His initial response was manipulative and it also sounds like he overshares about himself in order to rush feelings of intimacy.

Love bombing sorts like to tell you intimate/deep sounding things in order yo get you to feel like they like and trust you. This gets you to lower your defenses. It also encourages you to overshare.

I think he's bad news op. Very bad news. He's too open. You have only had a 'few dates'.

Run. Run fast