Should I give him a chance?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice. I have been doing OLD. I am 31 and have been on a few dates with a separated 44 year old with 3 kids.

The dates have gone very well, however he has disclosed to me that he cheated in his marriage and that's why the marriage ended.
He said things weren't going well in the marriage but that's what ultimately ended it.

He told me he wanted to be honest as everyone should get a choice on who they date based on honesty! This occurred 5 years ago.

He then told me the last time we saw each other (Saturday night)that they split up a month after the third child was born!

It dawned on me when I got home he must have cheated whilst she was pregnant 😢😢.. he had texted me and I ignored it as once I realised this obviously i think it's horrible etc.

Over the past few days he sent a few texts which I ignored. Resulting in him sending a big long text saying I have been quite quiet. He thought our date was lovely! If I have met someone else he would prefer to know. He hopes I'm okay etc

I explained to him I realised he cheated when pregnant and it makes me nervous. I said if that's how he can treat the mother of his children, he won't treat me well.

He has said I have a black and white view of relationships! He hasn't hidden anything and can't erase his past. He has done a lot of therapy to come to terms with it and it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage.

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

I would like to add he is a senior barrister so very good at persuading his audience. He is quite the charmer. Knows what to say, how to gain trust etc.

I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or not? I know no one can tell me what to do! But advice would be appreciated! What would you do?

Exactly this.

So he can wait until he’s divorced to date rather than jumping straight on the horse.

He didn’t continue the relationship with the other woman then?

Do you want children?

Honestly, that message about reading psychology books would have received a thumbs up sign from me.

@KarmaKat - not as far as I know! I need to ask him actually. He had a much younger girlfriend (18 years younger) for about a year and half, but I'm not sure if that's who he cheated with! 🥴

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress - I have a complicated medical history so probably won't be having them 😪🥹

Another point to make is I feel really really comfortable with this guy! I don't know why, just comfort. Not nerves like I have felt with other dates.

He's sounds patronising, telling you you should learn the psychology of relationships. Erm, he's the one who can't be faithful, despite getting his wife pregnant. Maybe he refuses condoms with all his partners? Who knows.
But he's a lot older, and seems to have an attitude that saying things up front is the same as being open and honest. I think you should forget about him and look for someone with a less messy history, maybe closer in age?

I'd be curious about what he says he learned from the therapy that he had to come to terms with the break up... I would be prepared to hear him out at least

I'd probably ask if that was the only time he was unfaithful to her (or to any previous partners). I would also be aware that as a barrister he will probably have lots of late nights working, work events and opportunities to cheat. If you don't trust him that could be the source of a lot of unease.

Run a mile if he's still not divorced after a year and a half. He's putting his wife through hell.

I think you should judge for yourself - you're the one who's having dates with him. It is messy - there's no denying that, and if my 31 year old DD told me she was getting into a relationship with this man, I'd be wary.

However, he did tell you early on about his affair, and I suppose he deserves some credit for being open about that. You'd have found out eventually, but you could have been in deeper than you are now.

It will leave you on edge if you ever have any reason to be suspicious of him.

If it’s a possibility that you would like to hang on to I would seriously reconsider dating someone 44 years old. His sperm will be low quality and getting worse as he ages. He’ll reduce whatever chance of conception you have.

No no no no no no no no no.

Please don't get more involved with this man. You deserve so much more

So he says they had a bad marriage, which forced him into having to go out and find someone else to shag instead. Whilst his wife was pregnant with their third child.

That poor woman.

The being separated rather than divorced wouldn't worry me at all. Plenty of my friends have taken years to get round to finalising divorce despite being very much finished with the ex. And if you got on well I'd go out with him again and see how you feel rather than get advice from strangers. People grow and learn. Don't know about you but I feel like a very different person from how I was during difficult marriage so I wouldn't write him off. HOWEVER, I agree with others that you're only 30, he's too old and has 3 kids so why on. You just don't need that hassle at your age.

He is discussing “comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to it demise”??. Fascinating, because I’d say that if you are shagging someone else whilst your wife is pregnant, you are significantly lacking in said comprehension, not to mention any morals or basic decency. In the bin for him……

Imagine what he’s putting his wife and children through, to still not be divorced so long after cheating and separating.

He cheated on a pregnant wife with 2 young children. He dated a girl 18 years younger whilst still married.

He’s implying there’s something wrong with your opinion on cheating. He’s bombarded you with messages, patronised you and implied you’re wasting his time if you see things differently than him.

Why the fuck would you need to ask if he’s worth giving a chance?? Are you MAD?

@AquaFurball - so he has actually been separated for 5 years, still not divorced in the process. It was another woman he was with much for a year and a half

@InWithPeaceOutWithStress - yea I have heard of that about sperm before! I wasn't sure if it was true or not!

Sounds quite manipulative to me. He's not exactly owing his actions is he. I'd be worried that he will be coercive in the future as to his point of view and feelings. Dump him. Find someone the same age that isn't trying to manipulate your feelings about things they did in the past.

I’ll be honest OP it seems like you want to give him a chance and this thread isn’t going as you wanted . I could be wrong but it’s like everyone telling you same thing and you just reply ‘but’ and make excuses for him to every post.

Most us on here think he’s got more baggage than Gatwick and his message to you comes across so patronising and superior, I’d have had to reply 👍 and blocked but you know it’s your call but tread very very very very carefully if you’re determined to give him a go because I honestly think you’re making a huge mistake.

Hell to the fuck no! I wouldn't touch him with somebody else's. Raise your bar OP, you can do better than this 🛎🔚

@Ukhotelsareshit - yes I know! He has a way with words for sure! He is very very convincing

@SamW98 - I know! I completely agree with you, I think I do want to give him a chance, because we get along so well. He seems to really 'get me' and I feel so relaxed with him.

However, I am aware the nature of his job means he is very charismatic and good at influencing others. So yes I guess I also think, is our connection genuine?

Why would you date a man with 3 kids when you are 31. The world is your oyster. Dont lumbar yourself with this.