Should I give him a chance?

[LaBrasseria2024]

Hi all,

Looking for some dating advice. I have been doing OLD. I am 31 and have been on a few dates with a separated 44 year old with 3 kids.

The dates have gone very well, however he has disclosed to me that he cheated in his marriage and that's why the marriage ended.
He said things weren't going well in the marriage but that's what ultimately ended it.

He told me he wanted to be honest as everyone should get a choice on who they date based on honesty! This occurred 5 years ago.

He then told me the last time we saw each other (Saturday night)that they split up a month after the third child was born!

It dawned on me when I got home he must have cheated whilst she was pregnant 😢😢.. he had texted me and I ignored it as once I realised this obviously i think it's horrible etc.

Over the past few days he sent a few texts which I ignored. Resulting in him sending a big long text saying I have been quite quiet. He thought our date was lovely! If I have met someone else he would prefer to know. He hopes I'm okay etc

I explained to him I realised he cheated when pregnant and it makes me nervous. I said if that's how he can treat the mother of his children, he won't treat me well.

He has said I have a black and white view of relationships! He hasn't hidden anything and can't erase his past. He has done a lot of therapy to come to terms with it and it was a consequence of bad dynamics in his marriage.

He also said he doesn't want to be in a relationship where there is a lack of trust and comprehension of what makes a relationship work and what leads to its demise. If I can't consider that he doesn't want to waste any of our times.

And that he would encourage anyone to learn the psychology of what makes a relationship work to help in finding a match that won't lead the unhappiness.

I would like to add he is a senior barrister so very good at persuading his audience. He is quite the charmer. Knows what to say, how to gain trust etc.

I'm not sure if I should give him a chance or not? I know no one can tell me what to do! But advice would be appreciated! What would you do?

Leopards don't change their spots.

He's telling ypu about your future relationship with him. Note well, OP, tjat he is with neither of tjose womrn. Or is he ...?

Of course you do. It's his job to put clients at ease. It'll be automatic but not because he is emotionally attached to you.

They are both barristers and dragging out divorce for 5 years? That's all 9 levels of hell.
Good fathers would make sure everything was settled quickly and efficiently for the sake of their children having a stable life at a minimum. Does he have 50/50 custody? That might explain it.

@ElizaMulvil - yes like I already feel that we have started to develop an emotional connection! He has told me some very personal things about himself already

Go and enjoy life. This man is quite open about being a piece of shit. He even dated a teenager- reprehensible.

@AquaFurball - yes he has 50% custody! Is that not a good thing? I think it shows he is a good father who cares about his children rather than someone who ditches his kids/is a Disney dad etc

You get along so well?! You say you've been on 'a few dates' and there are already serious red flags. You'll make your own decision and you'll see what kind of wanker he is when you get pregnant.

Such as?

No, seriously, just don’t do it, the honesty is to disarm you, make you trust him.

His wife was pregnant with their third child, he should have been getting the baby’s room ready and being at home taking the load off his wife by looking after his other kids, doing dinners, bath time, homework not shagging around. what a dick. If he was anywhere near a decent bloke he wouldn’t have had the fucking time to be cheating on his wife.

"He seems to be a very good father"! Jesus Christ, he abandoned his unborn child!! Give this guy a medal!!

Edit: Commented on the wrong post as I was so annoyed! Why are women taken in by dicks like this guy?

Who cares? Why do you want to be a SM to 3?

What's the attraction? His salary? What's your job?

@Teacherprebaby -he has told me things about his childhood, his relationship with his parents/brothers etc!

is he the kind that lets the kids eat shit, only uses clothes the ex buys does he organise playdates, buy presents etc etc? Or is he just making sure he’s not paying cm?

Not sure how the length of a text changes things at all and how one must feel entitled when writing a longer one ???

Run! Sorry OP but you come across as so naive and I bet you are putty in his manipulative hands. He sounds REVOLTING!! Cheating on his pregnant wife because the marriage wasn't great. Well it was great enough to get her pregnant for a third time. Poor woman. Then dating someone 18 years younger whilst still married. Yuk, yuk, yuk. All narcissistic men are very good at "getting you" at the beginning because they say exactly what you want to hear. They are pros at it. He'll come as across as your soul mate, blah, blah. It's all an act I can assure you. He's being "honest" with you to test how low your standards are. Please walk away for your own sake. You are 31, find a lovely man nearer your own age and on your own level.

Then it's a good job this cheating, teenager dating loser isn't worth analysing ☺️

Sorry OP, this man comes across as arrogant. His responses are thinly veiled put downs which could mean you’ll have difficulty discussing anything important with him.

You will waste your thirties with this man and then it will end, and he will move on to the next bright young thing. There will be a conveyor belt of young impressionable women entering his orbit in chambers and through solicitor firms. Some of them, not all, will respond in the same way as you. He will like that. Others will see him as a creep. He may cheat and you may never know. And if you find out he'll say you have no right to be shocked or angry as he never hid who he was. He'll say he told you at the start and you accepted it, and now you are unreasonable to challenge him. He'll make it sound plausible.

💯 👏👏👏👏

Very clever these types are.

He will say he told you who he was - when he repeats the pattern after.

These persuasive types are very very dangerous.

OP , heed those who are advising you to stay well clear.

You are too young compared to him for this type of charmingly manipulative behaviour and so early on. Be careful.

Fuck no. Run. Being a step mum is rewarding but if it'd have had half an idea of the reality beforehand then I'd definitely have swerved.

Think about why he's telling you this shit?! What would make you open up to a practical stranger that you'd become acquainted with? He's falsifying connections.

Nah, I wish I had done the work that other posters are suggesting you do now. This is not a good guy. Do the work, understand your value and find someone much better. You'll be far happier in the long run.

Hard to hear the opposing views of strangers but sit with it all a while and think about it. We don't know you. What would we have to gain. It's genuinely a collective opinion/experience.

What does your gut or intuition say?

It's absolutely a dick move on his part but maybe he has grown older & wiser.... people can sometimes learn from past mistakes.

Textbook.

Please read this thread and be very very careful - do not rush into anything.

Glad you had the foresight and intuition to write this on here just to get outside views before you tie yourself into anything.

Did you say Barrister separated - and not divorced - for 5 years?

Run my dear Run

I bet he has

He's trying to get you to let your guard down

He knows he's a bad bet - 3 young children & not yet divorced, cheated on his wife

So he's fast forwarding intimacy so you feel connected early on and are willing to overlook his obvious bad qualities

I don't wish to be mean but this is TEXTBOOK STUFF.

Block Block Block. @HopSkipJump24 had it bang on