Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

You did know it was inappropriate and you did know there was a hidden message. He has change his behaviour toward you. No good looking for excuses now…it’s wrong.
you also have a daughter…sorry love your uncle is now your dad?! WTF

I mean, come the fuck on!

This was exactly what I was going to say.

Sibling rivalry at its worst. It's a literal piss on his patch contest.

Even if you divorced your husband, it would still be a terrible idea to end up with your BIL, what with all the family tensions it would cause, confusion and upset for your children, etc.

Nip it in the bud now, don't let your feelings grow, don't message him or talk to him at all outside of family gatherings.

Concentrate on his more annoying features, and really, really picture all the mess and arguments and crap it would cause if you got together,

The other possible conspiracy theory is that BIL is doing this at your husband's behest, just to test how you react.

Has every single post on this thread not already answers that question?

And she has to ask others about it rather than slapping him down, metaphorically, makes her 'sound like a great woman'?

Wow. You’re talking about the actual thought that I had and actually making jokes about it regularly.. I for one would never say anything like that.. but you’re also making it sound like me or him have actually acted on any feelings that we may have.. which according to posters he doesn’t have any feelings.. it’s just a game to him or sibling rivalry.. whatever.
What have we actually done that crosses the rubicon to drown in betrayal?

OP you need to sort this before it escalates. Your BiL knows what he’s doing and it’s so disrespectful. You say that you and your husband aren’t getting on lately. I think the attention from your BiL may have highlighted and possibly exaggerated it a bit because you’re subconsciously comparing them. Is it possible that your husband has seen what’s happening and maybe doesn’t know how to approach the subject with you ?

There is a boundary and he crossed it by giving you a Valentines gift and you accepted it instead of saying no BIL that is really weird and inappropriate.

@Anonymous546 your replies don't make sense as you haven't tagged or quoted whoever you're replying to.

This all makes it sound like we have done something.. like we’re having some kind of an affair.

I’m not proud of all this but we haven’t done or said anything other than what he has said/done in front of the whole family that I already described.

I guess I am naive on believing that he was just being nice.
My bad.

Do you need to suppress your feelings for your BIL? Are you serious? Unless you want to throw a hand grenade into your life and your children’s lives, back off now before any real damage is done.

@ActualChips

Oh man, I guess I don’t even know how to use this tagging thing yet.
but I just learned something, thanks!

OP, work on your marriage, leave your marriage, only you know how things stand there and if there is a chance for it to get back on track. However, the faux naive tone of your posts on here makes me think that you are revelling in the attention, because you know exactly how wrong this whole situation is.

Word of advice hun, be careful what you post on here a lot of users in these threads love to start drama, argue with you and start things for no reason, I've experienced it ALOT on this forum! 🙄 try to ignore some of the nasty and uncalled for comments and listen to the ones who are giving advice and support. I mean things happen that we can't control it's not like you went out your way to feel like this about someone else let alone about your husbands brother. I would keep your distance from the brother and work on your marriage, if your not happy and things have been rocky it's time to talk to him and work out how things can get better and move forward. Express how you feel about him being stressful etc and talk,I do think the valentines gift is inappropriate though what did your husband think of that? Always remember too the grass is never greener.... I do understand how the flattery and stuff has caught you soo I do get it. No judgements here. 😊

You can’t stop thinking about him and have said you are worried you are developing feelings. The fact that you had to come in here and ask for advise says a lot…

Anonymous546
This all makes it sound like we have done something.. like we’re having some kind of an affair.

It sounds like an emotional affair. You let someone else into your marriage, and its made you devalue your relationship with your husband.

www.relate.org.uk/centre/dorset-and-south-wiltshire/get-help/whats-emotional-affair

I can only assume your husband has cheated on you by your lack of care towards his feelings in all this which makes me understand this whole fantasy thing a little better.

Leave your husband and then you can find a lovely new man in the future who has no shared genes with your daughter.

What are your messages to each other about @Anonymous546 ?
Oh and what were you discussing at the family event just the 2 of you?

@TriesNotToBeCynical
You know what.. I have thought about this and that is exactly why I haven’t said anything and just acted the same way I always have.
In fact he asked if he could do/get something for our daughter and I told him to check with my husband if it’s ok or not.

@Iaskedyouthrice
That’s what I was trying to convey by saying there has been nothing inappropriate in our messages.
It would just be things like what time the family is meeting or things about plans, etc.
Or happy mothers day or Father’s Day.. things like That.

It might be something about my daughter if she mentioned him or wanted to tell him
something.

It’s definitely nothing like what people are probably thinking!

OP, that teddy probably was for your daughter but as PP says, he is acutely aware of your crush on him and he's seeing how far he can go in winding up his brother.

You're flattered because you have no idea what's going on in his head. It isn't genuine and there's nowhere for this to go. If you were daft enough to return his over-attention to you then he would pull back because he would have achieved his objective, i.e. to be 'better' than his brother and to be able to take what his brother has.

Be really careful how you behave in family gatherings because it won't have escaped anyone's attention that you really like him. His behaviour will be disregarded because, family. You are family by marriage. If push came to shove, he would be forgiven, you most likely wouldn't.

Don't risk being the butt of family in-jokes. If your marriage isn't good then you have a choice to make but your brother in law plays no part in that. Tread very carefully.

You need to move on. For your daughters sake .
Even if you divorce your husband that's still going to be your daughters family .
You are messing up her future relationship with all of them.
Also the brother is obviously a waste of space . He is ok with having some sort of relationship with his brother wife. And he doesn't mind breaking up his nieces family in the process.
He definitely sounds like a keeper!!
You need some hobbies and stop focusing on men

@Iaskedyouthrice
We were just taking about general stuff.. something we saw on the news or regular topics of conversation.. work, etc.
Anyone could have been a part of the conversations and sometimes they were.