Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

An an uncle giving his niece a Valentine Day gift would seem quite distasteful to me.

I certainly wouldn't give my daughter a gift on Valentine's Day. It would be weird.

But he can give her a gift on any other day..

Yes, any other day not generally set aside for romantic lovers should be fine

🤦🏼‍♀️

Your first paragraph isn’t relevant as I said FOR VALENTINES DAY….. I’m not sure why that’s confusing. I didn’t say for any other occasion. I said at least it wasn’t for Valentine’s Day or whatever the hell I put several hours ago. I agree this is getting boring now so I think I’ll leave you to the ego boosts you’re clearly getting from your thread 👍🏻👋🏻

You don’t actually have to reply.

There is a certain compulsion, when someone is wrong on the Internet. But perhaps that's a male thing.

Everyone seems so angry.
At least some posts were entertaining

Wonder why that is? 🤔🙄

I would think maybe wise up?

I think because you seem to be revelling in something that’s actually a bit off.

You need to decide if the marriage is worth staying in.

If not, leave and stay single for a year or 2 at least - learn to be on your own and happy.

Don't jump straight into another relationship.

Yes he overstepped.

You sound like you are looking for excuses and playing (very) dumb. Don't wreck your kid's life, if you leave your husband, find someone else , but sneaking around with the uncle is creepy and so wrong. Grow up a bit.

The compliments, on their own in front of other people, fine. But the valentines bear, that is inappropriate

Eh? Where did social services and the safety of her daughter come into it?! We have gone from him being out of order in being inappropriate towards his brothers wife, now he is possibly a peadophile?!

@Notamum12345577 when did I say he was a paedophile? I merely pointed out that if she was to raise any safeguarding concerns (you mentioned paedophila not me) then that's what would be the protocol.

Of course he wasn’t just being nice he was hitting on you & who does that to their siblings spouse (even if the marriage is a bit rocky)?

And you need to stop responding, unless of course you want to swap brothers and unleash all the drama entails.

GROW UP!

The brothers behaviour is out of line full stop. If he's prepared to cross boundaries like that i.e giving you a bear for valentines I am pretty sure he's not a great person and possibly playing you to get at his brother or just massage his ego. Even verge on him being N. Work on your relationship and be happy with your life.

The whole valentines thing is weird - even the parents giving the child a gift is odd. It isn’t Christmas.

It’s an occasion for people who fancy each other to give each other a token to declare this (essentially sexual) interest - not for parents to children or uncles to nieces. Definitely not for in-laws. 🤨

Op. Are you of low intelligence? Or are you of very limited emotional maturity? Your posts read like an AI, having only being given a small amount of info, trying to learn about relationships between humans.

I think you need to step back….

1. work on your marriage
2. walk away from your marriage

but BIL is not an option.
Its likely given how you feel about your marriage you are trying to find connections elsewhere. Both you and your husband need to want to make it work. Or it won’t!
Re BIL - given you note it’s his choice to stay single even if you had met him first he is unlikely to have been someone you’d have landed in a long term relationship with. There is a strong chance that he is talking to you because you are ‘safe’ - not someone he could ever have a romantic attachment with because of your status as his SIL.
If you chose option 2; and did try to pursue something with BIL you would likely alienate your kids from their father and his family; and they WILL find out about it when older.

As said above, this jerk is just putting one in his brother. It’s not about how great you are. Recognize him as the immature asshole he is and stay away.

He’s coming into to you by saying that stuff. He does it to goad your husband. No matter the state if your marriage be on your husbands side in This dumb game. The brother is a jerk who is preying on your vulnerability to get his brother. Ugh.