Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

If you leave your husband and go off with his brother, I have a feeling that their relationship will deteriorate.

Be honest, that's what you're dreaming about, isn't it?

Well when you put it that way..

My sister has given my husband other gifts though but I guess that’s fine as long as they weren’t valentines gifts.

Thanks for putting this into perspective for me.
I didn’t realize just how inappropriate it was.

I’m not thinking straight at the moment.

No, I know that would be totally wrong. So I’d like to just not have these feelings.
I’ll take the advice of not being alone with him and not talking to him as much as possible.

He sounds like my BIL, he's lovely, easy to get on with, will pay me compliments, we've had coffee together a few times (DH knows, hasn't got a problem) and I really love him and would do anything for him, but totally as a brother-in-law. Even if he tried to take it to the next step (he won't he has a wife he's clearly in love with), I personally wouldn't go there as I don't want to mess up what I've got. In your case he's totally overstepped the mark initially.

If you intend to have a relationship with him, I'd want to know if he is willing to give up his relationship with his brother for you. Also, as a separate issue, you need to decide whether you want to be with your DH or not.

Yes ! I posted a link to it upthread.

FFS OP grow up. He doesn't give a fat rat's crack about either his brother or you. You're nothing but a game to him. If you're not happy in your marriage do something adult about it instead of mooning over a"crush", like a 12 year old.

Jesus, grow up.

Have you seen a show called Am I Being Unreasonable OP? It’s obviously fictional and far fetched but I think you’d sharp forget any feelings you might have about your brother in law after watching it. Nothing good would come out of it

Absolutely this. He has zero interest in the OP it’s all a big point scoring game.

It’s all about him - you’re just the easy collateral

You like him because he compliments you? Bit of a low bar, OP...

Focus on your actual relationship and don't just run after someone who pays you attention.

I assume if you wrote down what qualities you want in a partner, your DH would tick a lot of boxes, because you married him?

If

How would the BIL know that things are rocky if neither of us have shared any of our relationship issues with any of the family?

I keep seeing PPs saying this but not sure how this adds up.
And I also stated that we were having issues long before the BIL started doing/saying this stuff.

I think you need to think about what you want out of the situation. If you started this, how would you want it to end? Just be a casual secret, or to divorce your husband and marry this guy?

If your marriage is going nowhere and you're unhappy then maybe this flirtation with BIL was designed to show you that in some way, even if it means getting divorced and staying single.

Probably the body language you used everything he spoke to you gave it away. He didn't need to know about the state of your marriage. You reactions to hin told him all he needed to know.

Haven’t we all learned by now that things and people can change in a marriage?

There are several Issues that I will not even discuss on here and it seems that whenever we try to work on them it always comes back to the issues. He is not a saint either.

I’ll try harder though. To give our daughter a better chance at her parents staying together.

You are playing with fire. This relationship cannot go anywhere. Tell your BIL that you feel the relationship is veering into being inappropriate and then back off. No messages, no long chats at family gatherings. Work on your relationship with your husband. You are tempted because you are flattered by the attention.

You would think. But things are just so far from what they were back then.

Well BIL has got a result! - you have started to have feelings for him. Devious bastard!

He's stroking his own ego - he's not really interested in you.

Playing this game with his own brother is beyond unacceptable. Can you not concentrate on that fact and use this to quell your feelings? Why would you have feelings for someone that devious?

And do not kid yourself he does not know what he is doing and it is all innocent. Innocent my arse!

No disrespectful op buy if a teddy and a few compliments is it it took you can get that annnnnnywhere without destroying this family! Leave the husband who's lack of love/attention had you're 🐈 puring so easily!

If your marriage isn’t working then you’re quite entitled to walk away but end your marriage because it’s the right thing today not because you’ve got a schoolgirl crush on your BIL.

So he overstepped by paying me compliments and getting me a valentines gift?

This guy is single so maybe he doesn’t have anything better to do.

But hitting on his own brother is horrible!
Can't you see that?

Betrayal can look so pretty and feel so warm and safe.

I adore two of my BILs from my first marriage. And yeah, I've had that thought of 'dammit, why didn't I meet BIL first!'? My SIL often jokes that she married the wrong brother. We laugh because, well, she's been in our lives for 35 years and the brother she jokes that she 'should have married' left us, passed away. It's almost a soothing joke at this stage. What it never was is what you're experiencing now: Crossing the Rubicon to drown in betrayal. That's where you're heading, OP.
Look, I get it, flattery and kindness go miles when you're in a bad patch inside a marriage. But this is not good. Nothing good could come from this. The destruction, the blast radius, would spread for years and miles and touch the lives of those who don't deserve to be caught up in a potentially devastating life choice. Step away from BIL. Seriously. Do the right thing.

So he overstepped by paying me compliments and getting me a valentines gift?

It seems you need an answer.

YES.

Erm yes lol ive never ever seen anybody given a valentines gift/compliments off bil you're hear to confirm that he wants 🛌 rather than to see of this is distasteful that's your only intrest evidently

You are right.
This really opens my eyes to just how off track my marriage has gotten.