Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

He’s getting off on thr fact you fancy him. This is what makes it inappropriate op. Not the fact he’s nice to you or compliments you. The fact you’re pining after him. It’s sick to be honest.

Honestly it gets worse with every update.

OP you’re either ridiculously naive, wearing rose tinted specs, faking innocence or loving the attention - Stevie Wonder could see what he’s up to but you seem determined to defend his inappropriate actions

Stop fishing for validation and stop with the pretend naivety. I think you need to do some work on yourself before you do serious damage to your child and husbands family. All for a bit of attention and flattery. That attention and flattery is filling an emptiness inside of you that needs fixing. Just stop.

It was obvious he had feeling for you. The compliments and gifts were inappropriate but you continued texting which would have encouraged him!

I think you’ve been unforgivably selfish. You didn’t meet BIL first so all you can do is step back completely and if needs be tell him in no uncertain terms that it will never happen.

Then, you either work on your relationship or you walk away from it.

And you think that’s appropriate on any level?

If my dsis said this to my dh he would be mortified, not lapping it up.

Or he just wanted to cheer you up after your family member passed away.

Guys we're wasting our metaphorical breath here. The OP has 3 pages of people unanimously telling her it is inappropriate and crossing a line and is simply not accepting it. I don't think any of it is being taken on board, I suspect it is just a place to indulge in mentionitis and talking about him.

Thank you.

Agree. Its one of those threads where the entire internet tells her she’s in the wrong but she keeps coming back with reasons why she’s right and we’re all wrong.

Her poor husband

He doesn't sound like a good man. He is using you as a prop in his competition with his brother. You don't see it because of your loneliness. But it is your husband who can and should fill that void. Why don't you let him know that you are lonely and you miss how things were?

You need to completely disengage from your BIL - don't spend time alone with him, ignore any compliments, refuse any gifts, speak to him as little as possible. Then work on your marriage.

If his sister said the same thing, it would be taken a totally different way.

Not if she was same sex attracted and bought you Valentine’s Day gifts.

If this is stupid enough to be real then why not just fuck him? You said your relationship with your DH is rocky and you wish you’d met the other one first so why not? He doesn’t sound like an unspeakable manipulative twat at all I’m sure he’s definitely into you suddenly after 6 years and this is absolutely not some spillover of a shitty brotherly rivalry. You will be able to marry him after the divorce comes through and your dh can be the best man. Your dd will benefit from having a new “uncle daddy” and your mil will lose a DIL and then gain a DIL so it’s all good.

Before you do though, watch am I being unreasonable on iPlayer

How would he know that was the case?
I’ve never said anything along those lines to him and I honestly don’t think he has a clue.
Why would he?

I appreciate you're probably susceptible to his charms at the moment because things are a bit rocky at home. You know he's making a bit of a play for you, but sounds like he's purposefully doing it in a way that's ambiguous enough that you can get away with not feeling guilty and not putting a stop to it.

I suspect he knows exactly what he's doing and he's enjoying it. What is his relationship like with his brother? It could be this has more to do with him disliking his brother than liking you.

Either way, personally, I would find an untrustworthy, unreliable, unkind man, who is prepared to hurt/destroy the life of his brother deeply unattractive. But you do you.

Both you and your BIL need to stop being so incredibly selfish. You have a daughter FFS. Don't blow up her life for someone who is hitting on his brother's wife, that is not a good guy.

OP: is this wrong?
all of MN: Very wrong!
OP: it’s fine!

Why ask then? It’s wrong and weird and everyone has said so and you think it’s fine, so off you go. We’ll see you back in a few months when he’s seen the light and left you.

I might ask you if its acceptable to continue buying while in debt I'd like you to draw up a similar plan of yes go for it lol

Because @Anonymous546 the type of man who gets cute with his brothers wife is also the type of man who can spot a lonely, vulnerable woman a mile off. He'll be able to read you like a book.

Wonder what their relationship dynamics were growing up and if this brother of his would habitually take things of your DH or be jealous and always want your DH had just for the sake of depriving him … his behaviour is really inappropriate. Have you talked to your DH about it? It’s flattering sure, but there might be more background to it than his brother just fancying you.

Did his sister say it?
Are you posting about his sister?

Watch the Daisy May Cooper series 'Am I being unreasonable?' on iplayer. It deals with this exact thing. Plus it's great.

Why are you still talking about the BIL? You said you wanted advice on how to stop having feelings for him well a good start is to stop giving him the time of day and second guessing his motives.

Focus on your husband. Do something nice for him, communicate to him you feel unloved and unnoticed by him and focus on your family.

If his sister said the same thing, it would be taken a totally different way

It wouldn't if she was a single lesbian who had given you a shitey soft toy.

FGS OP wise up.

Come on OP, he’s being a total dick. Stay away from him, how dare he hit on his brother’s wife.

Their relationship seems to be fine. They’re half brothers. They kind of lost touch for several years at some point. But from what I can tell they are fine. Maybe not super close though.

ERrrrrr OP if your sister was giving your husband a Valentine’s gift would you think that was appropriate?!

I wouldn’t dream of doing anything like that because it is well…. Inappropriate and just a bit weird.