Why didn’t I meet my Brother-in-law first

[Anonymous546]

I feel awful even writing this because I know that it is so wrong. I have gone back and forth on it but decided to try to get some outside opinions.

My brother in law (my husband’s brother) is a really nice person and started paying me a lot of compliments a few months ago when a family member passed away.
He was saying how beautiful and awesome I am and has said this a few times now.
I think he is just being nice as he’s said it in front of the rest of the family and hasn’t truly said anything inappropriate.
We send messages back and forth occasionally but never anything inappropriate. He’s just really nice and always saying sweet things.

He bought me a little gift which I thought was for my daughter at first (a little stuffed bear) and he said it was for Valentine’s Day. I was a little surprised because I didn’t expect to get anything like that from him. It could have just been a nice gesture, right?

Well.. I seem to have developed some feelings for him and I’m trying my best to just let it go because obviously I’m married to his brother. We’ve discovered that we have quite a bit in common lately.
But I have made it a point not to message him in the last 3 weeks or so.
The last time we saw each other at a family get together we talked a lot.. just the two of us.

My relationship with my husband has been kind of rocky (we have some ups and downs pretty regularly) even before this came about. I don’t know how to get back to how it was a long time ago and I feel like he gets angry or stressed really easily sometimes and it’s hard to have a conversation with him at times.

Do I need to just suppress any feelings that have come up? I feel like the answer is.. of course I do. Any advice on how to do that?

Get a grip!
Either work on your marriage or finish it.
Your brother in law is a sleaze... senses things are rocky in his brothers marriage and you are easy pickings.
Take a long hard look at yourself but in any case stay away from this piece of dirt.

But how is he coming onto me?
He literally stated in front of the whole family including his brother that I’m beautiful and awesome and that his brother is lucky.

It’s escapism and romanticism.

It’s deeply inappropriate and it’s a horrible position to put you in isn’t it?

Hitting on his brothers wife, he's not a nice guy. He's a home whrecker.

He'll get what he wants and leave you, not
To mention you need to think of your child how messed up will it be if their uncle becomes their step dad?
That's going to mess them up mentally for life.

Grow up and stop acting like a love sick teenager.

Well, if you are flattered by essentially becoming the territory two brothers fight out their internal dynamic over, knock yourself out.

Was the teddy also presented to you openly in front of a large family gathering?

I have five BILs, all of whom I’m extremely fond, two of whom I’m very close to. None of them have ever declared me to be beautiful and awesome at family events, or given me a Valentine’s Day present.

He bought you a valentine's present.

Would you be happy with your husband giving another woman a Valentine's present (or getting one from another woman) or would you think that was a bit off?

And he gave you a tacky little teddy bear on Valentine's Day.

He’s a sleezeball. He’s probably getting off on knowing he’s sent you all of a quiver over a poxy valentine teddy. Get a grip, he’s just playing with you.

By literally doing that he is literally coming onto you.
You are obviously enjoying the attention but if you weren't married to his brother he probably wouldn't be interested

Give your head a wobble. Are you so desperate that you grasp at any sort of flattery? You have a child FFS.

Echo everything others have said . Also reminds me of this www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episodes/m001c3f9/am-i-being-unreasonable daisy may cooper series , really good btw

First answer nails it.

Don't be fucking soft. He's a snake.

You can't help how you feel but what you can do is avoid him and you must.

Wouldn’t my husband or anyone else have said something?
I thought they all took it as a compliment to my husband.
If his sister said the same thing, it would be taken a totally different way.

He gave you a stuffed bear on valentine's day? What is he, 11?

He's not a nice person. He has very poor sense of boundaries. It's genuinely quite disgusting to go after your own brother's wife.

Make no mistake he's trying it on with you it speaks volumes that your husband didn't care and that you're turned on lol. The bigger issue is your marriage Is over.

You are being intentionally naive / stupid. Your brother in law tells you you are "beautiful" and "awesome" and buys you a Valentine's gift and you think he is just being a nice BIL?

How would you feel if your DH behaved like this toward your sister?

You are clearly flattered and enjoying the attention but sooner or later someone will notice the 2 of you and you will look and feel like a fool.

Does your husband know about the Valentine gift?

You are unhappy in your marriage and responding to a few crumbs being tossed your way.

Stop the stupid messaging nonsense and focus on whether your marriage is worth saving.

I'm a bit gentler than the PPs. I had a similar moment once upon a time.

Your BiL shares similarities with your DH who you loved and found attractive.
He doesn't share the downsides- he hasn't let you down, disappointed you, hurt you.

So you see a polished up version of your husband- one without the bad memories, and with all the hope you used to have.

As for him, he's realised he is at the stage of wanting to settle down, can see that you are nice, maybe even sees his brother doesn't really appreciate you. He may well look for someone with similar qualities to you.

But none of that means you should get together. It means you need to work on your own marriage.

Oh dear. Listen to what you’re saying. So now you’re some kind of trophy/ your husband is punching? That goes back to what lots of us are saying, that you’re just in the crossfire of the brothers’ relationship. He gets to subtly undermine your DH by suggesting publicly you’re too good for him, and then gets a private thrill out of how easily your head is turned with a few compliments and a tacky Valentine’s Day teddy. Perhaps the troubles in your marriage are quite obvious?

Avoid being alone with him. Don't accept gifts from him. Don't message him. He is really NOT a nice person if he is coming on to his brother's wife. Giving his sister-in-law a Valentine's present is just ridiculous.

If you have problems with your relationship with your husband that is a different issue. Frankly, I’m not surprised you are having problems as your husband probably feels that you are flirting with his brother and comparing him unfavourably with his brother.

It pretty much was handed to me by him at a family gathering in a bag and I asked if it’s for my daughter because I just kind of assumed it would be.. and he said no, just a valentine’s gift for you.

I didn’t realize all this was seen as inappropriate. I really thought he was just being nice.
It was the same time he brought over a bottle of wine for a gathering at our house. After asking my husband what kind of wine I like.

He is single and chooses to stay that way.

So he started chatting up ( for want of a better phrase) his brother’s wife when she was in a vulnerable state following a death in her family? Yes, he sounds wonderful.